Bi

[13788]

Javierdude22: I feel like sharing. I didn't realise how fast listening to Sarah Mclachlan for half an hour could draw me back to the internetcafe.

As most of you know, I am Bi. I have issues with it, eversince I realised...well...that it wasn't gonna go away. My problem though, maybe naive, is that I don't have the fisr clue as to why I am bi.

I'll explain.

Evercince I was 13 or so, I was slowly getting interested in...ya know, guys. Very unconsciously though. I still asked girls out, etc. I remember very vividly falling in love with not too many girls, but if I fell in love with them it was intense, and real.

When I was 18, I hadn't had sex with girls yet, and started to realise I might get some serious problems with this dude-thing. After a long period of not falling in love though, I fell high over heels for a girl in my class. She liked me very much, but I was so nervous that I couldn't act on it. In the meantime I can honestly say it was the happiest time of my life that I know of. I enjoyed every second I spent with her, but because I never acted upon it, when it was time to go to college, we lost track of eachother.

I still remember saying to myself back then, that if I could get with this girl, she might actually be able to draw me away from all that bi stuff. I still give myself a hard time over having let her slip away.

I had a hard time get over the fact I let her slip away, and didnt involve myself with anyone for over two years. In the meantime however, this dude thing got stronger.

I had sex with girls in the meantime though, but was always very nervous, and in all honesty, I enjoy it more with my own gender. However, I am emotionally totally inapt to sustain something with a guy. It is somehow purely physical. Maybe my mind doesn't allow me to be happy about it, could be. I still feel a lot for girls, mostly in the emotional areas, sexually she would have to be véry attractive for me to act upon it.

I'm trying to mold this into a question, but it's hard.

Basically, I don't get it how I can fall in love with girls, high over heels, but feel less sexual attraction than with guys, a lot less. At the same time, any emotional bonds with a dude for me is out of the question, consciously, but unconsciously even stronger.

How can this be? Does anyone have an explanation for this? Has anyone on the board experienced the same?

Thanx y'all..

Javier

 

[GottaBigOne]

I know you'll peobbaly not appreciate me giving you advice, but this is an open board and I do have an opinion about this.

For me as it is for a lot of people sexual desire and love are two totally separate things. I can have sex with someone I hate, and not be affected. it won't be as good as sex with someone I love but it is possible. Also I can love someone without having sex with them. One example that would be ignored but what I feel makes some sense is that I love my mother but don't have sex with her. Some would argue that its a different type of love, but I don't see the real distinction.

With my gf I love her, AND I lust for her, thats what makes my relationship with her different from my relationship with my mom, the lust is absent with the latter.

All this illustrates is that Love and Lust are two different emotions and while they can be relative to one another they are not inherently tied to each other.

Maybe there is something about your perspective on guys ( the fact that they are the same gender as you) that disables you from feeling amorous toward them. Do you have any plutonic guy friends that you love? if you do, but still can't have a loving sexual relationship with a guy then it might your feelings of guilt toward homosexuality. deep down inside you might feel that it is wrong and supress your love for them. Since sex is a little more basic than love and is more primal, its harder for you to supress because its almost automatic.

I think you have to become ok with yourself, with your reality that you are Bi in order to get over this. My feeling is that you don't want to be Bi and would rather be hetero ( maybe for many different reasons, but probably becuase being hetero is more socially acceptable and everyone wants to be accepted)

my advice to you is to not limit yourself to just one way of thinking, and try to be okay with the life you have. If you have sexual desire for guys be okay with it. If you are okay with it, then try to look at the reasons you might want not to have a loving relationship with them. Look at the relationship you had with your father. Was he distant? Maybe this set a precedent for your feelings about the same sex.

Also, maybe you don't need to be able to feel love for guys. Maybe keeping them just as sexual objects is not a bad thing. I once heard of a people in Turkey that the men would have wives for procreation and the starting of families and would have young boys for sexual relationships. Maybe they were onto something?

 

[13788]

rockabilly_guy: I had 2 reactions when I read your post. 1st was that you were trying to convice yourself that you liked women in order to avoid thinking about possibly being gay. I did this. I was even engaged before.
Second I was hoping that you could come to some conclusion as to if you were truly bi. I hope you can.
God knows there are enough bad guys out there that hide being bi from their wives and cheat on them w/guys. I went w/ a few guys in that situation and after I found out I refused to see them again. I wouldn't be part of someone lying to someone else, let alone themselves.
I hope you find an answer for yourself. For me the answer was realized to let go of the pressure to be str8. Only b/c I wasn't. Good luck man!

 

[13788]

norseman: Yo 'dude,

You've hit upon what I like to refer to as the "apples and oranges" of bisexuality. You like'm both, but you like'm in a different way.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings that you've expressed. I too feel incapable of "loving" a guy, but damn, aren't they great for really hot sex ?

A relationship with a woman certainly feels natural, and sex can be fulfilling in a different way, but then you find you're both checking out the cute waiter's ass when he walks by...

Let me toss this idea out there. I'm willing to bet that you're having difficulty establishing a complete relationship with a woman because you're afraid you won't be able to commit, to be monogamous, to put aside the "other" feelings. I've sensed from reading your postings over time that you feel things deeply and you wouldn't want to hurt someone you care about. Two things to consider.

1. Traditionally, purely hetero guys (if there is such an animal...) expect to put aside feelings for everyone else and commit to One in a relationship. The right one. Is that so different from your expectations ? Obviously it must be the right One to make that kind of commitment, which leads to the second consideration.

2. (and this one I'm having trouble with myself on a personal level...) I think sharing your bisexuality with a woman you're developing feelings for is the "litmus test". Will she walk ? Will she stay ? Face it dude, a bisexual is what you are. That's not a bad thing. If there's going to be a relationship it's gonna come out eventually. Why not get it out of the way up front ?

Please don't beat yourself up because you're capable of expressing and enjoying your sexuality with both sexes. It is a gift.

You want to find a female life partner ? Go for it. Respect yourself first. Be honest. Be loving. Be caring . What woman could resist ?
(Besides, didn't you say you look like Ricky Martin ?)

Norse

 

[13788]

bigrrr: Javier....like you I had sexual attraction to both men and women at a early age...my first with a kid who ended up being my step brother years later...he's str8t as far as I know, we never discuss our teenage past....and
a girl who adored me in college...but I never acted on it, one of my biggest mistakes and regrets..I could go on for ever here..but could your fear be based in performance in pleasing the women? I honestly think that has been a hang up for me..where as if I'm involved with a guy I have no fears of being able to please him because sex with a man to me comes more free and natural...but yet I keep looking a male/female relationship

 

[jonb]

This is actually fairly common; after all, heterosexuality is more socially acceptable; without it, there wouldn't be a society to accept it. LOL

I agree that the litmus test is your bisexuality. If she freaks, she's out. There's nothing wrong with being bi, and you can't really change it. There is something wrong with staying in the closet about it while in a relationship; that can lead to cheating, and eventually questions about those blemishes on your (and eventually her) legs. DL is a damned lie.

 

[13788]

Javierdude22: Thanx for the replies guys, also the private ones. Every post seems to touch upon something very truthful, about my personal experience anyway.

[quote author=GottaBigOne link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#1 date=03/30/04 at 20:20:25]I.Maybe there is something about your perspective on guys ( the fact that they are the same gender as you) that disables you from feeling amorous toward them. Do you have any plutonic guy friends that you love? if you do, but still can't have a loving sexual relationship with a guy then it might your feelings of guilt toward homosexuality. deep down inside you might feel that it is wrong and supress your love for them. I think you have to become ok with yourself, with your reality that you are Bi in order to get over this. My feeling is that you don't want to be Bi and would rather be hetero ( maybe for many different reasons, but probably becuase being hetero is more socially acceptable and everyone wants to be accepted)
[/quote]

Gotta: JUst because we had some beef over a topic doesn't mean I don't appreciate any posts of you after that. It's a discussion, we discuss. You are possibly very right on some points. I know for a fact I would rather be fully straight. I have a lotta guyfriends I'd kill for...but love?...never thought about that. Guilt towards homosexuality is a very major part. Well...it was anyway...it is a declining factor. I am in the process of coming to terms with that.

[quote author=rockabilly_guy link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#2 date=03/30/04 at 21:44:26]I had 2 reactions when I read your post. 1st was that you were trying to convice yourself that you liked women in order to avoid thinking about possibly being gay. I did this. I was even engaged before.
Second I was hoping that you could come to some conclusion as to if you were truly bi. I hope you can.
God knows there are enough bad guys out there that hide being bi from their wives and cheat on them w/guys.[/quote]

Thanx Rockabilly. Well, I do know for a fact I am still attracted to girls. I didnt't want to acknowledge, but see no point why I shouldn't now, that I do feel more sexually attracted to guys. Say 70% 30%. The thing is, that I do realise that a monogamous relationship with a girl won't happen, simply because it wouldn't be possible. The thing is, I a am strictly monogamous person  . Therefore I would rather live 'alone' than ruin a girls life out of selfishness. A lot of stories on the board helped me with that.

[quote author=norseman link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#3 date=03/31/04 at 06:38:45]Let me toss this idea out there.  I'm willing to bet that you're having difficulty establishing a complete relationship with a woman because you're afraid you won't be able to commit, to be monogamous, to put aside the "other" feelings.  [/quote]

Exactly. I know I won't be happy, and well...that the other side would call. Focusing on the sexual aspect only, a monogamous relationship with a guy would be easier yet not calm. Somehow, the emotional part stirs things up in a negative way.

[quote author=norseman link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#3 date=03/31/04 at 06:38:45]
Why not get it out of the way up front ?[/quote]

Even though I sometimes wish I was that easy about having two partners (assuming that's what you meant) I am not the type to do it. Sex is something between two people that love eachother and are committed, in my book at least. My mind can't handle anything differently  

[quote author=norseman link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#3 date=03/31/04 at 06:38:45]
(Besides, didn't you say you look like Ricky Martin ?)
[/quote]

I know what people mean...but I'm better looking!  8)...and my hair is curly

[quote author=bigrrr link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#4 date=03/31/04 at 07:35:36]but could your fear be based in performance in pleasing the women? [/quote]

I honestly don't know...maybe unconsciously.

I've looked at it from every angle, yet I simply cannot understand still how I could have loved this girl so deeply at the time, and how I now more and more start feeling sexually attracted to guys.

It might be denial, emotional inaptness, anxiety, or just being Bi. I do know one thing. We had a post once that said something like: Being Bi is the Best.

From my point of view, it is the worst. You're better off knowing what 'side' your on, than this dangling. At least it means you know where you stand without a doubt, and can start the proces of accepting it. My question is, what the hell should I start accepting?

Hm...well, in the meantime, if anyone else has more personal experiences to share, they are more than welcome.

Laterz

 

[heavynuttz]

My experience with bisexuality I would say is not the norm, i suppose. For the last couple of years my sexual experiences have been exclusively with other men, and once with a woman. But right now it seems that I am transitioning more into heterosexuality, I feel that I am starting to become bored in a sexual way with other men, so it seems like it was just an experimental stage for me, and it might have a great deal to do with some early childhood experiences.

 

[13788]

Simon9: Interesting conundrum, Javier. Sorting out all the weird shit that flows through our brains, including why do certain things turn us on? Perhaps it's genetic or perhaps it's wired in from long-forgotten events, images from your infancy or early childhood. Who knows?

No matter, it's who you are and you might as well accept it.

I personally doubt very many women will be cool being your "lady love" once they know you dab it up with guys occasionally, and you will dab it up since you probably won't get complete satisfaction from your lady. You may choose to keep the "other side" of your life private and separate, although that entails lots of risks. And you'll know you haven't been completely honest with your relationship with her. Do you need to be completely honest?

But perhaps you'll get lucky and find a rare girl who's OK with it. Good luck.

 

[13788]

bairdoman: yeah.  i completely concur.  seriously - this is like exactly what i've been thinking a lot about lately, manifested in a convenient text form.

anyways.  

i feel the same way.  guys are only an attraction instead of an actual love.  i love and lust for girls (certain ones more than others, obviously) and some guys also.  good looking ones.  i can love a girl and not lust her, and can pretty much only lust for a guy.  so, since this is the case, as i think is the case for you, i look for a relationship with a girl that satisfies both - love and lust.  i don't think i could ever get that with a guy, actually.  i find a lot of them pretty annoying.  as i do a lot of girls, too.  but i never imagine dancing with another guy through a field of daisies to some sort of paradise life - nope.   i just would not be satisfied with a man as a partner.  i would be satisfied with a  woman - sex and love - and think that a lot of bi guys feel the same way.  it has to be both and women fulfill that.   men are, as you said, only the ones you may fantasize about sex with or something.  

but a guy would, to me, be okay to have sex with as much as a woman.  

i tend to also feel like i'm letting people slip away and not taking advantage of situations which could be really really fun and I think that leads even more to the guys being used to not being able to act on something you really would like to.  i dunno.  I'm kind of posting to say that this is exactly how i feel.  i would love to just have sex with guys and girls but just set up a life with a woman.  it's simple, i guess.

pm me if you want.

 

[13788]

bradleeM: Hi Javier:

Bisexuality is like the person who is a middle of the road type person: meaning that one cannot decide which side of the road one should be, which what happens is this...........one gets run over!!

Bisexuals have it tough in developing relationships for the following reason: a str8 woman usually does not like to share, a homosexual male usually does not like to share!!

So what is the answer for you and other bisexuals....... a possible one is to have a relationship with both a bisexual male and a bisexual female. Having a relationship with your own kind whether one is str8, homosexual, or bisexual, is what will bring one the most happiness! That is the theory, but of course there are many variables along the way!

Since you say you are 70 male oriented and 30 female, I would recommend that you have a relationship with another bisexual male and a female that is mostly male oriented but does want the occasional female for variety. Socialists 30 years ago predicted that human beings would eventually have 3 and 4 person relationships that would become the norm. That two person relationships are on the way out for both gay and str8 people. That seems to be the way things are going.

In your own case it seems like that you need to figure out who Javier is, what does he really want, what will make him happy? If you do not know that then you must rid yourself of this one overriding thought that seems to be controlling your happiness right now...... and that is this .... Free yourself from "absolute thoughts" , they limit you before you even begin the journey ...... your statement that you are not the type of person that can have a relationship with two people at the same time!!!! I say why not? You just have not met two people at the same time that will ring your chimes in order to test that theory. So release yourself from that demon and get on with living your life..... this is not a "dress rehearsal" .... this is the main gig !!!!

You will find that when you free yourself of limitations you will begin to find the road that your personal journey should take!!! Good luck and have fun with your trip ..... hope it is a fantastic journey!!!

Brad

 

[13788]

Simon9: Brad: Did you mean sociologists or socialists?

 

[jonb]

Well, we all know, anyone who disagrees with right-wingers on even a wonk issue like putting Reagan's face on the dime is a socialist. LOL

It all depends on the woman. Some women object to bisexuality in general. Others simply reject to cheating in general; in the later case, there's still a possibility. I mean, let's face it: We're all bi to some extent. (Yes, even yours truly, the incarnation of heterosexual machismo, can imagine himself trading blowjobs with a buddy.) Some people manage to make threesomes work.

 

[13788]

Javierdude22: *makes index finger wet, holding it in the wind*

Ok, I'm gonna estimate that you received 18 IM's in the last hour, because of that sentence you posted in brackets Jon...

 

[13788]

bradleeM: Hey Simon9

Thanks so much for catching that..........I tried to talk myself out of that spelling but for the life of me I could not think of the right spelling!!! Of course I meant Sociologists and not the other.


Hey JonB............. would love to trade bjs with you anytime!!!!! I think you are awesome ......... I am part Indian (Cherokee) anyway!!!!

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

[quote author=jonb link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#12 date=04/09/04 at 15:42:48]Yes, even yours truly, the incarnation of heterosexual machismo, can imagine himself trading blowjobs with a buddy.[/quote]

Now that I'm on the 'available' list once again, I'd like to think that I'd get first crack at you, Jon, once I'm out of these damn casts! I mean, you and I go wa-a-ay back, y'know? ;D

 

[jonb]

I'm still attached right now, and cheating's cheating, despite what certain dirty south rappers might say.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

You know what it is, really? I think bisexuality comes with so much baggage, that it's really hard to feel comfortable adopting that label. Look at it this way. The "speech" really depends on who you're talking to. I've found in my experience that I had to prove to my "gay friends" (really, they deserve quotation marks) that I liked women because their preconceptions of bisexual men were, "Well, he's eventually gonna turn gay -- you know, that bi now, gay later thing -- so I don't give a fuck if he likes women." Not that I've ever been the type of piggish guy to openly gawk at a woman's ass and proclaim how much I want to bang her -- but in front of "them," (again with the quotes) I had to make that undeniably clear.

And the few straight women I've actually approached on the topic say that they're pretty uncomfortable -- probably for the same reasons a.k.a. might find someone of the same sex and ditch 'em and they're not ready for that type of rejection. (It's one thing if you leave me for another girl. I can accept cheating. I can't accept things I can't control -- having a dick.)

I think it takes an undeniable amount of courage and fortitude to accept bisexuality as part of one's life.

No, because you can never be truly comfortable liking people for who they are regardless of their gender, for acknowledging things you like about one gender (i.e. guys are good at head, sorry ladies) and like about the other (i.e. so much more comfortable doing the PDA thing with a girl).

People won't let you.

So, really, when someone decides or realizes that being bi entails a whole bunch of additional bullshit compared to being straight or gay, and that you're more than prepared to handle it the best you can, major kudos to you.

But honestly, the best thing to do is follow Norseman's advice: regardless of the relationship you're in, put your all into it. Be loving, caring, and accepting. Fuck what people think. Honestly, bi guys -- regardless of where they fall on the percentage continuum, how much you like guys vs. girls -- have to be brave, upfront, and stout like that.

Either that or honestly admit that you don't fully understand your variance in attractions and that you're perfectly okay with it...

 

[13788]

roedhunt: [quote author=jonb link=board=meetgreet;num=1080701956;start=0#12 date=04/09/04 at 15:42:48]
I mean, let's face it: We're all bi to some extent. (Yes, even yours truly, the incarnation of heterosexual machismo, can imagine himself trading blowjobs with a buddy.) Some people manage to make threesomes work.[/quote]

jonb, perhaps you should change the "all" to almost all. I for one, could never be bi. For one, I am completely attracted to the male species. And second, the woman's body is by far the ugliest thing ever created. The vagina alone is vile...

As for a bi man... I would love the opportunity to be with two men who are bi.. ;D However, none of the men I have known will admit if they are. Any suggestions to find out how?

 

[13788]

Javierdude22: Just wanted to say:

Dee, great post, and right on the mark. I can totally relate.

Roedhunt: If they won't admit it, they're either not bi, or don'tfeel comfortable sharing yet. Either way, it's best not to find out if they haven't come forward themselves.