big dick jokes

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by dave18, Oct 14, 2006.

  1. dave18

    dave18 New Member

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    anyone got any good your dick is big if...jokes, i'll start off;
    you know if your dick is big when you go for a physical and the doctor coughs before you
     
  2. Gillette

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    Can you pick up peanuts with that thing?
     
  3. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Well-Known Member

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  4. mephistopheles

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    this one is a penis joke, not really a big penis joke, but still a penis joke:

    Hand Cream
    There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


    One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

    So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

    So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

    The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

    When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

    Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

    With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

    Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

    But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

    And this one is funny too:

    The Pickled Penis
    There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.

    The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

    So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

    Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

    And another:

    Devil Joke
    Three guys die and go to hell.

    When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

    "Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

    "Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

    So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

    To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

    As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

    "Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

    "I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

    BTW:

    If a knight slays a dragon, but loses his legs in the process, when he's walking home whats he thinking about?

    Dragon Balls
     
  5. jakeatolla

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    Little Dirty Johnny was the local paper boy and was out collecting money
    one day. He rings the doorbell of a house and a Beautiful blonde woman
    answers the door in nothing but a bath robe.
    "Hi Maam, here's your paper, and you owe me five dollars." says
    Johnny.

    The Woman replies "I'm sorry, but I don't have any money on me right now.Mabey there's some other way I could pay you ?"

    Johnny thinks about it for a moment and says "Ok" and proceeds to drop
    his pants. Low and behold Johnny has the biggest dick the woman has
    ever seen. "Wow, Thats quite impressive Johnny!!"
    Johnny smiles and nods agreement, and then pulls a stack of rather
    large washers out of his pocket, and slips them one at a time over his
    pennis.
    The woman says " Oh, you don't have to do that. I can take it all."
    Johnny looks her in the eye and says" Not for only five bucks you won't !! "
     
  6. Mattness

    Mattness New Member

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    LARGE PENIS SOCIETY

    Bob is reading the paper one day when he stumbles across an advertisement for the monthly meeting of "The Large Penis Society". He says to himself, "I'm pretty well endowed, I should stop by the meeting on my way to work".

    So, on his way to work, Bob stops by the building and sees a sign pointing down a hallway to the meeting. Before he goes in, he ducks into the restroom at the doorway to take a piss.

    While he's standing at the urinal, this guy comes in and stands next to him at the adjacent urinal and pulls down his pants to his knees and begins to unwrap this enormous penis from around his leg. He unwraps it about 5 times and flops it into the urinal and starts relieving himself.

    Astonished, Bob says to the guy, "JESUS CHRIST! You must be the President of the Large Penis Society!!!!!" The guy looks at him and says, "President? I'm just the janitor!".

    :tongue:
     
  7. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

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    Ouch! that's not right man... I don't burn stuff off, I get things hot and hard!

    Alright, my contribution:

    The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

    During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

    All the men stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

    All the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

    Half the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

    All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
     
  8. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

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    Oh, and I almost forgot my favorite big dick joke of all time:

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial]A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial]So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial]"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."[/FONT]
     
  9. Alex Chambers

    Alex Chambers Member

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    Drew Carey had a routine of "my dick is so big" jokes I saw a few years ago. A few of the highlights, as I recall:

    My dick is so big that I am already screwing a woman tomorrow.

    Movie theatres sell popcorn in three sizes: large, enormous, and my dick.

    You get the idea. Let me know if anyone else saw or knows of this routine--I think it was on Leno (maybe even Carson).
     
  10. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

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    Gotcha covered...

    My dick is so big; it has tonsils.
    My dick is so big; it has bark.
    My dick is so big; it can only be measured in theory.
    My dick is so big; it has a horizon.
    My dick is so big; I can fuck the ocean.
    My dick is so big; sometimes it jerks me off.
    My dick is so big; that when I fly, it has to take the train.
    My dick is so big; FedEx won’t insure it.
    My dick is so big; it was impeached by Congress.
    My dick is so big; it’s got its own gang sign.
    My dick is so big; it could eat a horse.
    My dick is so big; Florida had to measure it twice.
    My dick is so big; it snubbed the Oscars.
    My dick is so big; it has a north pole.
    My dick is so big; it has gaskets.
    My dick is so big; it killed its ex-wife and got away with it scott free.
    My dick is so big; I rent it out for weddings and Bar-Mitzfahs.
    My dick is so big; I run three-legged races by myself.
    My dick is so big; my urologist is a Sherpa.
    My dick is so big; it’s not just famous, it’s IN famous.
    My dick is so big; it has a stunt double.
    My dick is so big; you must be at least 48 inches to ride.
    My dick is so big; that I look like its dick in front of it.
    My dick is so big; one side never sees the sun – it’s the dark side of my dick.
    My dick is so big; it has a vanity plate that reads 1 BG DK.
    My dick is so big; it has nostrils
    My dick is so big; I can fuck a car wash.
    My dick is so big; it has a nucleus.
    My dick is so big; it has a drink named after it. It’s called Slow Gin Dick.
    My dick is so big; that there’s not enough earth to bury me with it.
    My dick is so big; “Oh Yeah” is its theme song.
    My dick is so big; it was framed for murder as part of an intricate prescription drug scandal.
    My dick is so big; the Pope has blessed it.
    My dick is so big; compasses do not function properly around it.
    My dick is so big; VH1 is letting it host an episode of “The List”.
    My dick is so big; Al Gore invented it.
    My dick is so big; premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.
    My dick is so big; I’m listed as an organ donor twice on my driver’s license.
    My dick is so big; black holes fall into it.
    My dick is so big; it was on a Wheaties box.
    My dick is a VIP, Very Important Penis.
    My dick is so big; the Romans named their God, Simplyvs Hvges Giganticvs Erectia Dickvs, after it.
    My dick is so big; it has a commemorative stamp.
    My dick is so big; it has its own entourage.
    My dick has a sunrise and sunset.
    My dick is so big; sperm banks pay interest.
    My dick is so big; it puts out 300kW – Standard!
    My dick is so big; I have to sell it wholesale.
    My dick is so big; it has stretch marks.
    My dick is so big; it’s wanted in nine states, and Canada.
    My dick is so big; they cold run the Indy 500 on it, with no turns.
    My dick is so big; it’s getting its own State Quarter.
    My dick is so big; it sleeps with one eye open.
    My dick is so big; it has training wheels.
    My dick is so big; someone once used it as a lifeline on, ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire?”
    My dick is so big; my erections cause a total eclipse.
    My dick is so big; black people say “He’s got a big ass dick.”
    My dick is so big; I use it to spear fish.
    My dick is so big; VH1 did a “Behind the Music” about it.
    My dick is so big; I lost my legs in Vietnam and can still drive a manual.
    My dick is so big; they ride it in rodeos.
     
  11. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

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    Continued:

    My dick is so big; the LAPD used it to beat Rodney King.
    My dick is so big; when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit.
    My dick is so big; it’s in a boy band with four other big dicks.
    My dick is so big; it’s a government scapegoat.
    My dick is so big; it has its own seat in Congress.
    My dick is so big; it’s worshipped as a Pagan God.
    My dick is so big; I can change channels without the remote.
    My dick is so big; I can smuggle 14 kilos of crack, 9 stolen cars, and 5 illegal immigrants across the border in it.
    My dick is so big; it has its own zip code.
    My dick is so big; it sank the Titanic.
    My dick is so big; it’s the opening act for KISS’s farewell tour.
    My dick is so big; the great wall of China is just a guide rail for me to tour the country.
    My dick is so big; Saddam was found hiding in it.
    My dick is so big; it makes the Grand Canyon scream “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
    My dick is so big; the government is suing it for anti-trust violations.
    My dick is so big; if I were a porn star, I could only make movies in Widescreen.
    My dick is so big; it has its own fraternity, Delta Theta Cock.
    My dick is so big; it has an ego.
    My dick is so big; it has its own line of hip hop clothing.
    My dick is so big; I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.
    My dick is so big; it won the Nobel Peace Prize.
    My dick is so big; Scott Adams writes a cartoon about it. It’s called “Dickbert”.
    My dick is so big; it played Daddy Warbucks on Broadway.
    My dick is so big; it gives me an allowance.
    My dick is so big; it IS the government.
    My dick is so big; it is a tax write-off.
    My dick is so big; when in Leno’s mouth you can’t see his chin.
    My dick is so big; it was a bouncer at Studio 54.
    My dick is so big; it’s sectional.
    My dick is so big; the man always be tryin’ to keep it down.
    My dick is so big; it hangs out on the set of “Friends”.
    My dick is so big; I can play mailbox baseball while driving.
    My dick is so big; Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.
    My dick is so big; I decorate it at Christmas time.
    My dick is so big; if I didn’t sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.
    My dick is so big; the doctor had to use a chainsaw to circumcise me.
    My dick is so big; they use Sequoias to test my condoms.
    My dick is so big; Calvin Klein named a fragrance after it. It’s called CK My Dick.
    My dick is so big; I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.
    My dick is so big; it used to be a Harlem Globetrotter.
    My dick is so big; it stormed the beach at Normandy.
    My dick is so big; it affects the weather.
    My dick is so big; it’s my boss.
    My dick is so big; it gets manicures.
    My dick is so big; it has an axle.
    My dick is so big; it has a brain.
    My dick is so big; it has a reinforced foundation.
    My dick is so big; many consider it the Eighth Wonder of the World.
    My dick is so big; it is the internet.
    My dick is so big; it is Santa Claus.
    My dick is so big; it has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
    My dick is so big; it can stand up.
    My dick is so big; I can fuck a volcano.
    My dick is so big; I have to stow it in the overhead bin on planes.
    My dick is so big; it has it’s own time zone – Central Dick Time.
    My dick is so big; it was recently split into two area codes.
    My dick is so big; it was part of the human evolution.
    My dick is so big; it could feed Ethiopia for a month.
    My dick is so big; it has a moon.
    My dick is so big; it has branches.
    My dick is so big; movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.
    My dick is so big; it graduated a year before I did.
    My dick is so big; a homeless family lives underneath it.
    My dick is so big; there was once a movie called Godzilla VS. My Dick.
    My dick is so big; we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
    My dick is so big; I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.
    My dick is so big; Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
    My dick is so big; I entered a big-dick contest and it came in first, second and third.
    My dick is so big; the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
    My dick is so big; I’m already fucking a girl tomorrow.
     
  12. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    You plagarizing my work there, Roosevelt?
    The reason I ask, is because, this looks like one I posted some time ago.

    Check it out;

    http://www.lpsg.org/funny-stuff-jokes-quizzes-games/17744-another-bar-story.html
     
  13. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

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    Well, I heard that joke the first time a number of years ago, (mid 90's probably) every time I hear it, it's a little different, but the punchline's always the same :biggrin1:
     
  14. Draconis71

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    Christ.. that's no joke... I did that.
     
  15. Draconis71

    Gold Member

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    You know you have a big dick when... they give you an extra stool at the bar for "your friend Richard"
     
  16. LongPhatDong

    LongPhatDong Member

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    You know your dick is big when... you sit on the toilet and your dick pops out of the shower head.
     
  17. LongPhatDong

    LongPhatDong Member

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    Some more... sorry about the separate posts. (Or lameness of posts.)

    You know your dick is big when... you cum, and it sprays on your own back.

    You know your dick is big when... you use a hula-hoop as a cockring.

    You know your dick is big when... its status is upgraded from satellite to planet.

    You know your dick is big when... you use trash bags as condoms.

    You know your dick is big when... cumming causes the rest of your body to get sucked into the shaft.

    You know your dick is big when... you can support a buffet line on the top of the shaft.

    You know your dick is big when... your erections knock down low-flying aircraft.

    You know your dick is big when... it's used as a battering ram during medievil castle raids.

    You know your dick is big when... a giraffe can't deep-throat you.

    You know your dick is big when... you can take a leak in the bathroom while making a sandwich in the kitchen.
     
  18. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    You know your dick is big when SO askes you if instead of a condom you want a hefty bag with spermicide.
     
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