BIG difference in views

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Titsdude21, Sep 25, 2010.

  1. Titsdude21

    Titsdude21 Member

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    I was just wondering if anyone is in a relationship with someone who has very different/strong views on what you would consider important topics?

    If so how do you deal with this aspect of your relationship?


    I ask as i really like a girl however there are a few issues that we strongly disagree on. And i am not sure how to, or if i should go foreward....
     
  2. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Is this that girl you disagree with about circumcision?

    Either way having different or opposing views on some subjects can be a good thing, two people can develop and be enriched by each other's view point. But if the differences in views represent a totally diametrically different world view, representing two people who have little or nothing in common, morally, socially, and intellectually that can be a serious problem. Often an insurmountable one.
     
  3. Titsdude21

    Titsdude21 Member

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    lol hilair yeah thats the one.

    But the actual circumcision opinion isnt the cause base of the difference in view.
    There is also a few political issues (particulally social issues) that we do not agree on.

    Im just feeling a tad lost on what to do...
     
  4. mthomson2020

    mthomson2020 Member

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    I'm a staunch conservative and my bf is a flaming liberal. That's why we just don't talk about it or laugh about it after we do. I love him too much to care about stupid crap like that that doesn't matter in the long run
     
  5. HiddenLacey

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    Yep, it gets tiresome to disagree on major issues all the time.
     
  6. Titsdude21

    Titsdude21 Member

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    So you say to simply ignore the issue, mtthom....
    I guess when it comes up its possible to just let it go, idk if that is going to work well in the long run?

    Its not all issues, only a few. But they are kinda major ideals for me...
     
  7. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I think it depends on how important it is to you. The catalyst for my ex and I breaking up was my kitten - I wanted to keep her and he didn't. It might sound like a minor issue to non-animal people, but for me it was huge (and it highlighted things about him that I hadn't realised before).

    If it is a minor thing, or something that will intrude on your life very rarely, you could probably make it work. If it is a major thing, will cause regular arguments, or says something about their core self that you don't like, then it may be better to end it sooner rather than later.
     
  8. Titsdude21

    Titsdude21 Member

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    Yeah option 2 is what im worried about....Idk if it is simply the people she has around her, or if its because of how she actually thinks.
    She is only 20 (im 22) so i guess she has time to change how she thinks?
     
  9. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    The thing is, you shouldn't be thinking "She's going to have to change how she thinks for me to be comfortable in a relationship with her"

    You should be thinking "I don't care about the stuff we disagree about, I love her, and I love everything about her, even the things she thinks which i think are bullshit".
     
  10. Titsdude21

    Titsdude21 Member

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    true, well, i no i shouldnt go into anything trying to plan to change her. But i think the main problems is just not understanding why she thinks how she does....
     
  11. RawDog

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    There are dealbreaker issues and there are issues that can be respected but overlooked. My wife's Jewish and I have a problem with a lot of how organized religions operate. She knows this, respects it and in a way agrees. I respect her desire to have the Jewish faith and have gone to her temple a few times to make her less nervous about meeting nre people. (She moved her 5 years ago and is now wanting to be more active).

    An ex was a sexual abuse survivor and she and I got into soooo many heated arguments centered around sex. I loved her dearly, but her attitude about sex was the most gut wrenching dealbreaker I ever had to deal with. I should have been more honest with myself and realized this early on so I could've alleviated many years of misery for both of us.

    I told my ex I wanted a clean break and the only time I'd make the divorce ugly is if she wanted to take our 2 dogs and cat. No, they weren't a minor issue with me at all.
     
  12. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Try reversing it - you're only 22 and have time to change how you think. But how likely is it that this will actually happen? We often change how we think about the smaller things in life, but we tend to stay the same when it comes to the big issues. Have you discussed your concerns with her? Maybe she is as worried as you are about it.


    I knew there was something I liked about you :tongue:
     
  13. mandoman

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    You can't change another person. They always revert back, or it just makes them angry.
    They have to want to change, to actually change.
    If you are thinking these thoughts now, it is more likely to get worse, than to get better...unless you are lucky like me, and find a woman who loves discourse and debate, and both are willing to change their minds when presented with a reasonable argument.
    My wife and I are very, very different people. Not opposites, complementary, but we have very different tastes and views. We had a hard time with some very abstract things. I think the Palestinians shouldn't be kicked off the land where they have lived for 2000-3000 years. She says, "to the victor go the spoils. If they wanted it more, they would have fought to the death for it." For years, neither one of us could bring it up, and we had no vested interested in it. Our musical tastes are opposites, and I'm a musician. Love can conquer any of these things, but if it is not love, there's a bumpy ride ahead.
     
  14. Viking_UK

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    As other posters have said, it's about how important the issues are to both of you.

    An ex of mine thought it was fine to go for a meal and not inform the waitress that she'd missed something off the bill. The same person would have complained if something we hadn't had had been included. I don't see the difference. If you ate it, you pay for it. If you didn't you don't. We split up soon after. Honesty is important to me and I don't appreciate double standards.

    When it comes to pets, if the animal has bonded more to me than to my partner, I'd want to keep it, but would let it go if it hadn't. There's no point in making the cat suffer too when you split up.

    I'm going to come across really old here, but my opinions have changed a lot since I was 20 or 22, and things which seemed vitally important then don't really matter much now, and things I didn't even consider then would now be deal-breakers.

    I think if you're going to have a relationship with someone who has strongly-held opinions which differ wildly from your own, you've got to accept that there's not much chance of compromise. Your options are to avoid the subjects completely, respectfully agree to disagree, argue like cat and dog or split up before you fall out completely. There may be others, but I can't think of them right now.
     
  15. NEWREBA

    NEWREBA New Member

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    I happen to believe that a person's political views also reflect their moral views. So I could never be with anyone who is conservative because I believe that those positions are contrary to a compassionate world-view.
     
  16. Dave NoCal

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    NEWREBA, I agree completely.
    Dave
     
  17. BigRedMatt

    BigRedMatt Member

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    i agree with this.

    the most important thing for me on this is issue is that in the process of getting to know someone i discover whether i find them attractive or not. granted there is always an initial sexual attraction but if we are taking a proper relationship it would be based on so much more than that. i too couldnt be with a conservative as Newreba said. and i think in the long run these issues are important especially if you want to consider marriage and having children with this person.
    i think if you have a true social consious and care about the state of the world and have strong opinions on the issue then for me this is important enough to not find someone attractive.
    to be honest i think from the start i would have never found myself in this situation as i would have discovered our opposing views before the attraction started.
    my advice is you know how strong your own opinions are and have to decide if you can live with someone who will probably disagree with you on most points and whether or not you can except this and still look at that person the same way.
     
    #17 BigRedMatt, Sep 29, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2010
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