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Hey, all. Long time lurker, first time posting a story, though I can't take credit. The following short story, "Big!", is from Chili Palmer's Free Story Annex and the work of an author identified only as "mortecanard@yahoo.com". I have always been a huge fan of the story, but the poor punctuation and lack of capitalization always distracted from the wonderful storytelling, I felt. Thus, I took it upon myself to edit and re-post it here. Let me be clear: I take no credit for the content.
Having failed to contact the original author after several attempts, I decided to clean up the punctuation, capitalization, grammar, verb-tense agreement, etc. I maintained as much of the original wording as possible, save for where I felt it absolutely necessary to change (and may have added a phrase and/or description here and there to spice things up a little).
Please enjoy. And remember, the author is "mortecanard@yahoo.com".
Why a well-tenured physician like Esther picked me, a lowly x-ray technician, as her daily lunch partner was a mystery to me. She was about 35 years old, but looked younger. I’d have guessed late twenties, like me. Her youthful appearance was from the hours she spent in the gym each week. Her short, dark hair topped a beautiful face with stunning brown eyes and flawless skin. I knew she had no family and she never mentioned a boyfriend. Her life centered on her work at Detroit General Hospital. Today, like most days, I pretended to be interested in her topic of conversation that was, as usual, way above my head. I politely nodded and asked an occasional question to make her feel as if I understood.
"Jason," she said excitedly, "it is probably the greatest development in burn treatment medicine in the last hundred years, and certainly since I became head of the burn unit. Cytogen remains inert in the body until damaged or stressed cells emit a chemical trigger that calls it into action. When that happens—look out!—it can replace those damaged cells in a matter of a few days, and with greater doses it can duplicate tissue. Imagine a burn patient being able to grow masses of their own skin for grafting! Once it gets ‘blessed' by the FDA it can be taken out of experimental status and begin to do some great things.”
I continued to nod. She finished off the last few bites of her daily salad, dabbed a white paper napkin to her delicate mouth, and stood. "Well," she said as she looked at her watch, "gotta get back. See you at lunch tomorrow?"
"It's a date!" I replied.
That night I kept thinking about cytogen. An idea hit me as I rested in bed and reached down to my crotch to adjust "the boys." Why couldn't it be used to enlarge body parts…like a penis? Some rich guy would pay a lot of money for a penis enlargement, I thought. Why shouldn't that money come my way?
At lunch the next day I asked Esther if she could give me some information on cytogen.
She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, "Since when did you quit just pretending you were interested in all the junk I talk about, and become truly interested?"
"That obvious, huh?"
"Jason, one of the reasons I enjoy lunch with you is that you let me ramble. It's good therapy for me. But why do you need information on cytogen? It's still in the experimental stages...not many people know much about it."
I lied. I told her that it intrigued me and I merely wanted to read up on it. She fell for it and that evening handed a large folder of papers to me in the parking lot. I muddled through them best I could, but I needed an expert's advice. Esther was the only one at General that was intimately familiar with cytogen, so she was going to have to be the one I asked about it. Our relationship was very superficial, but what would she think of me if I asked her how to pull this off? She's not my closest friend, but I don't want to alienate her, either. I tossed a mental coin and decided that I'd bring up the subject the next day and show her the notations I had made from what I learned about it.
"Say, Esther," I said. "I've got an idea that could make a lot of money for anyone that gets involved. You interested?"
She looked at me over the top of her glasses.
“Oh, no, an Amway salesman,” she quietly moaned though a mouthful of salad.
I shook my head. "No, no, no. This has to do with cytogen."
Her eyebrows rose on her forehead. I leaned a little closer and dropped my voice to a whisper.
"Penis enlargement.”
Esther continued an expressionless look for about five seconds, and then said, "I better leave now." She started to stand and collect her tray when I lightly grabbed her wrist in a symbolic gesture to keep her from going away.
"Please, Esther. Don't go. I'm not a pervert. I've been thinking about this for a few days, but I need your advice. There is a pile of money to be made if it would work, and we could retire real early and enjoy life, instead of working eighty hours a week here at General. Listen to me for a little bit. I’ve never asked you for anything before, so give me a chance."
"You're serious, aren't you?" she asked, sinking back down into her seat. She still looked at me suspiciously, but there was also a glint of curiosity in those brown eyes now, too. Okay. Don’t blow this. I exhaled slowly and gently laid out the tentative plans I had mentally constructed the night before.
"You're also nuts," she stated when I finished. "But if it means that much to you, I'll check it out. Don't tell anyone else. I don't want to get laughed out of a job."
"Cross my heart.”
I slid the folder full of files she had handed over to me only a few hours before back to her. She looked at it the folder and cautiously opened it. She scanned my notes for several minutes, a puzzled look growing across her face. When she finished, she went back over my notes again. Slower and more intently. Finally she said, "You may not be as crazy as I thought. I'll look all this over tonight and let you know what I think tomorrow."
The next day I was at our regular table quite early. Esther, as usual, was right on time. Nothing was said by either of us for a couple of minutes. I pushed some hamburger casserole around on a plate with a fork while she neatly consumed her lunch. Without warning or looking up she said, "It should work. Let's do it."
"Damn! What a deal. When do we start?" I said.
"Whoa, there. We've got to get a few things straight. First: I’ll be a technical advisor and help gather the needed supplies, but I’m not getting involved in any goofy mad scientist stuff. You're going to do all the work. I like my job too much to get fired."
“You: management. Me: labor. Yes, ma’am,” I said, saluting.
Esther rolled her eyes. "Second, who is going to be the guinea pig? We need someone to experiment on."
"Never thought about that, but you're right. Also, we need to keep this close to our vest so no one else will find out and steal our idea. We two are the only ones that are aware of it so far, and since I'm the only guy...it seems logical that I be the 'test pilot' for the experiment."
"Gotcha!" she said, pointing her fork at me. "You want a monster between your legs and you need my help to do it. A little insecure with what we already have, are we?"
"Ouch! That hurt!" I retorted. "Personally, I have no problems with my God-given attributes, thank you very much. But I do take offense at your insinuations."
She grinned. "Just kidding, Jason. Don't be so stuffy. You're the one usually cracking jokes here, so now you know what it's like."
"I'll take that as an apology, then."
"Whatever," she said, smirking. "Anyhow, I truly don't care who you use. That's your problem. Now, meet me at my off-site office two nights from tonight. I'll have the stuff ready for you."
Having failed to contact the original author after several attempts, I decided to clean up the punctuation, capitalization, grammar, verb-tense agreement, etc. I maintained as much of the original wording as possible, save for where I felt it absolutely necessary to change (and may have added a phrase and/or description here and there to spice things up a little).
Please enjoy. And remember, the author is "mortecanard@yahoo.com".
BIG!
Why a well-tenured physician like Esther picked me, a lowly x-ray technician, as her daily lunch partner was a mystery to me. She was about 35 years old, but looked younger. I’d have guessed late twenties, like me. Her youthful appearance was from the hours she spent in the gym each week. Her short, dark hair topped a beautiful face with stunning brown eyes and flawless skin. I knew she had no family and she never mentioned a boyfriend. Her life centered on her work at Detroit General Hospital. Today, like most days, I pretended to be interested in her topic of conversation that was, as usual, way above my head. I politely nodded and asked an occasional question to make her feel as if I understood.
"Jason," she said excitedly, "it is probably the greatest development in burn treatment medicine in the last hundred years, and certainly since I became head of the burn unit. Cytogen remains inert in the body until damaged or stressed cells emit a chemical trigger that calls it into action. When that happens—look out!—it can replace those damaged cells in a matter of a few days, and with greater doses it can duplicate tissue. Imagine a burn patient being able to grow masses of their own skin for grafting! Once it gets ‘blessed' by the FDA it can be taken out of experimental status and begin to do some great things.”
I continued to nod. She finished off the last few bites of her daily salad, dabbed a white paper napkin to her delicate mouth, and stood. "Well," she said as she looked at her watch, "gotta get back. See you at lunch tomorrow?"
"It's a date!" I replied.
That night I kept thinking about cytogen. An idea hit me as I rested in bed and reached down to my crotch to adjust "the boys." Why couldn't it be used to enlarge body parts…like a penis? Some rich guy would pay a lot of money for a penis enlargement, I thought. Why shouldn't that money come my way?
At lunch the next day I asked Esther if she could give me some information on cytogen.
She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, "Since when did you quit just pretending you were interested in all the junk I talk about, and become truly interested?"
"That obvious, huh?"
"Jason, one of the reasons I enjoy lunch with you is that you let me ramble. It's good therapy for me. But why do you need information on cytogen? It's still in the experimental stages...not many people know much about it."
I lied. I told her that it intrigued me and I merely wanted to read up on it. She fell for it and that evening handed a large folder of papers to me in the parking lot. I muddled through them best I could, but I needed an expert's advice. Esther was the only one at General that was intimately familiar with cytogen, so she was going to have to be the one I asked about it. Our relationship was very superficial, but what would she think of me if I asked her how to pull this off? She's not my closest friend, but I don't want to alienate her, either. I tossed a mental coin and decided that I'd bring up the subject the next day and show her the notations I had made from what I learned about it.
"Say, Esther," I said. "I've got an idea that could make a lot of money for anyone that gets involved. You interested?"
She looked at me over the top of her glasses.
“Oh, no, an Amway salesman,” she quietly moaned though a mouthful of salad.
I shook my head. "No, no, no. This has to do with cytogen."
Her eyebrows rose on her forehead. I leaned a little closer and dropped my voice to a whisper.
"Penis enlargement.”
Esther continued an expressionless look for about five seconds, and then said, "I better leave now." She started to stand and collect her tray when I lightly grabbed her wrist in a symbolic gesture to keep her from going away.
"Please, Esther. Don't go. I'm not a pervert. I've been thinking about this for a few days, but I need your advice. There is a pile of money to be made if it would work, and we could retire real early and enjoy life, instead of working eighty hours a week here at General. Listen to me for a little bit. I’ve never asked you for anything before, so give me a chance."
"You're serious, aren't you?" she asked, sinking back down into her seat. She still looked at me suspiciously, but there was also a glint of curiosity in those brown eyes now, too. Okay. Don’t blow this. I exhaled slowly and gently laid out the tentative plans I had mentally constructed the night before.
"You're also nuts," she stated when I finished. "But if it means that much to you, I'll check it out. Don't tell anyone else. I don't want to get laughed out of a job."
"Cross my heart.”
I slid the folder full of files she had handed over to me only a few hours before back to her. She looked at it the folder and cautiously opened it. She scanned my notes for several minutes, a puzzled look growing across her face. When she finished, she went back over my notes again. Slower and more intently. Finally she said, "You may not be as crazy as I thought. I'll look all this over tonight and let you know what I think tomorrow."
The next day I was at our regular table quite early. Esther, as usual, was right on time. Nothing was said by either of us for a couple of minutes. I pushed some hamburger casserole around on a plate with a fork while she neatly consumed her lunch. Without warning or looking up she said, "It should work. Let's do it."
"Damn! What a deal. When do we start?" I said.
"Whoa, there. We've got to get a few things straight. First: I’ll be a technical advisor and help gather the needed supplies, but I’m not getting involved in any goofy mad scientist stuff. You're going to do all the work. I like my job too much to get fired."
“You: management. Me: labor. Yes, ma’am,” I said, saluting.
Esther rolled her eyes. "Second, who is going to be the guinea pig? We need someone to experiment on."
"Never thought about that, but you're right. Also, we need to keep this close to our vest so no one else will find out and steal our idea. We two are the only ones that are aware of it so far, and since I'm the only guy...it seems logical that I be the 'test pilot' for the experiment."
"Gotcha!" she said, pointing her fork at me. "You want a monster between your legs and you need my help to do it. A little insecure with what we already have, are we?"
"Ouch! That hurt!" I retorted. "Personally, I have no problems with my God-given attributes, thank you very much. But I do take offense at your insinuations."
She grinned. "Just kidding, Jason. Don't be so stuffy. You're the one usually cracking jokes here, so now you know what it's like."
"I'll take that as an apology, then."
"Whatever," she said, smirking. "Anyhow, I truly don't care who you use. That's your problem. Now, meet me at my off-site office two nights from tonight. I'll have the stuff ready for you."
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