Bipolarity

[13788]

glossopoiesis: Hi
So this is my probleme.
I've posted shit befor on here, and well, it'll be explained.

I'm 15.
I am what i call bipolaris and I have a tendenty to depressions.
I have made a major depression at the begining of my 15th year alive that last for 8 or 9 months.

Now adays, everything has been extreamly good. I made new friends, new love is blooming, until just recently.

A week or two ago, I started to get abit down.
I wasn't seeing anyone, I cut all contacts with people to isolate my self, unconciously.
Now I'm really down, and I havn't bveen so for about 11 months.
I am what people around call a genius.
I don't because, well that'll be explained later.
I'm 15 and I started to have interest into iceland at the age of 9.
Ever since then my interest in germanology has increased largely, and today I can understand at differnet levels 8 languages, 7 of them self thaught.

I was allways teased at groundschool because I was an outsider even then.
I was listening to radiohead at 8 and portishead as well.

This says, I'm no geek. I dress decently or so I try.

But my main probleme is that, I have great dificulties to set my opinion on my self.
Sometimes I am proud of my self, sometimes I hate my self.
But allthat was gone reacently.

#Exept one thing.
I've allways had enourmous probleme dealing with my penis size.
I believe that it is abit over 8" or so right now.
But to me, it is allways so little.
I would never believe someone telling me it's big in real life.
Or atleast, i don't believe my self.
I have a huge complexe about it.
Last summer while in depression I use what psychologist call the mask of the sexuality. I hid my self behind my cock so I wouldn't see the reality.
I became a daily camwhore.
I was allways on eyeball chat, showing off my cock, to make me feel better.
When I came out of my depression by my self, I stopped it completely.
A week ago I reinstaled it.
I felt a need to pop up my self esteem with abit of the awe of less lucky people.
Even so, on cam it looks 9".

So then it triggered my mind as to me being depressed.

But all this is just background

My true probleme that has been there for so ever long is the way I see my penis.

When I measur it, when I see it gopes to 8", i'm pround and happy. It even turns me on, since it's rather new.
But then, I allways lie to my self, telling my self that i'm 8.5 or more.
pushing the ruler hard against the skin.

I'm not comfortable with the real reality.
What ever I do, if I find my cock big one day, the other day shall it be little.

So, now I'm asking for help.
Any ways I could get to see my cock and accept it.
in a way in which I wouldn't have to exagerate the thruth .

thanks...

I know this post might be disordered...
that's an other thing.
I have trouble taking all my ideas and putting them clearly.
I'm dislexic, this shows a part of the reality.
I feel when I'm down like if I had been sitting for a real long time and I just stood up. A lack of blood to the head, or rush.
Notyhing can be taken individualy. It's just a big bucket of boiling disorder.

 

[Ineligible]

That is a courageous post, glossopoiesis. I am always amazed how many remarkable people there are here.

Being bipolar is a difficult burden to bear, and I think those who don't have mood disorders find it hard to understand how much it takes over your life. I think the being proud of yourself and hating yourself are part of it.

Being an outsider is hard, too. I knew that feeling at school a lot, and I think there are others here who would also know it. The lack of social normality in an environment like a school gives you no place in the world. It does get better once you get to university, where individuality is better respected.

I think that feeling our penis isn't big enough is something very many, perhaps most, males have. No matter how big it is, it doesn't look so big to you because it's what you have, so it just looks "normal" - and you think, that isn't big enough. I know we have larger posters who have felt the same as you. Many posters grapple with both feeling big and proud, and also, even at the same time, bfeeling not big enough.

Don't feel bad about yourself, and what you have been doing. You are struggling with how you feel about yourself. That's a big struggle, especially for someone who is different from most people in so many ways.

 

[13788]

glossopoiesis: Thanks inelegible.
Email me some more sometimes..

But the thing is, I have strong opinions.
And people get very easely pissed at me, because not only do i have strong opinion, but because of my culture and intelligence, I am most very very most of the time right, and or advencing further things that others wouldn't understand.

The probleme is that, when I'm in school, people know me, they know who I am, my reputation ,they do respect me in many cases, and they don't mind hanging around near me, with me or even inviting me.
The two big problemes are that
1. they still aren't friends.
People flee friendship with me for what ever reason. But even if I am repsected, or at least known, which leads to respect in my social environment, i have no friends.
2. see I cant even remember that second probleme.

In my head, I know who I am. Recently I went to a primaryschool reunion. And everyone was deadschocked on how I was the exact same little boy as in prymary school, exept taller and older looking, if not by a year. I havnt changed, but the way I can react with things has. It's like if I was metal and my inner molecules were altered by to many hard times, and I became magnesium. Which reacts to water. And Im a swimmer.

I know that everyone has probleme with the way they are equiped
But the thing with bipolarisme is that one day you'll wake up feeling like you were the hungest of the hungest, in my case, and then you jerk off in the night feeling like a teenage under devloped guy.

And also, one of my probleme related with bipolarisme is that tendency to emplify what every is given to me, in a negative or positive way.

I'm obsesive if one will say.
I will spend over 30 hours a week learning Icelandic, then for two months not at all.
I will emplify my problemes with my friends, which started form nothing.
In this way will I transphorme it into a 9 month depression in which i lost many good, good good closest friends.

I just hate it.

Its also because Ive been listening to that song in loop for hours now.

Deer stop, from Goldfrapp.
if you have any chance to hear it, do so. It tryuly is delicious.
DELICIOUS.

that post seams point less again.....

 

[ponybilt]

Glossopoiesis, I've always liked the amazing intelligence you display in your posts. That's very clear in your communications.

Growing up, there are lots of things teens have to deal with -- and things like bipolarity, depression, and dyslexia can make it all worse. The feelings of self-doubt that all people experience can obviously be compounded when you're trying to manage these other issues, but it makes it no less painful to know that.

Inelligible makes good points about how we grow to view ourselves. I'd only add that if you've been clinically diagnosed, you should be receiving appropriate treatment. These things don't need to go unchecked.

 

[13788]

BRMSTN69: Glossopoiesis, I too am bipolar, in fact of being my unemployed and about a month ago I had a mental breakdown Im back on my meds and im doing fine but the point i wanna make that you have a beautiful mind and have accomplished so much in your young years and i believe that with the helping others with learning disorders that would be a great benifit to yourself. Try tutoring others because i believe helping them would be of great benefit towards your self-esteem and also see a doctor because the proper meds made all the difference on my outlook on life

 

[Billy18]

You know, My only advice for you is that you seem like a great, smart and funny person ( and you have a huge cock).

If it's possible, try not to worry about things so much, enjoy life as it comes, and nothing you do '' is wrong'' unless it is immoral and then it does become wrong. Try to socialise with your peers if it's possible, put your pride behind you and once you get more confident i'm sure your esteem will pick up hugely and you'll be what YOU Can consider normal.

good luck