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It was a good Saturday morning. By some miracle no one had telephoned to wake me early and I had enjoyed the rare privilege of lounging in bed as long as I wanted and slowly rising at my own pace. It was probably eight thirty or so, nearly two hours later than my usual weekday alarm is set, when I finally decided to stumble out in my new-from-Target flannel pajama bottoms to get the newspaper.
To my intense surprise, as I opened the door I nearly tripped over the young body sitting right in my way reading my newspaper. I was nowhere near as surprised as he was however. He almost fell over backward as I pulled the door out from behind him. In seconds he had struggled to his feet, but he was clearly discombobulated!
Sorry, he stammered, I didnt want to wake you, but I didnt want to miss you either, so I thought Id just sit here until I heard you moving around, but Ive been here for over and hour now and I got a bit bored so I decided to read your paper, which I didnt think youd mind, and then you came, and I, uh, I, well Realizing that his explanation wasnt really helping, he reverted to what was obviously a more planned approach. Hi, um, hello. I just came over to give you your birthday surprise.
While he was pulling himself together, I had managed to do the same. In a few seconds I realized to whom I was listening. It was Brady, a kid I knew slightly from church choir, and whose parents I had once known pretty well. I was, I guess, a kind of an old family friend. Id gone to graduate school with his father and known his parents since, well, since before Brady was born. Bradys parents and I werent close friends, since we moved in widely different circles, but because we happened to belong to the same Episcopal parish, wed vaguely stayed in touch. Id received a wedding invitation, and a couple of years later a birth announcement when Brady came along, and later some more for Im-not-quite-sure-how-many siblings, two or three maybe. Id been dimly aware of Brady growing up, and then more so as he entered high school. Brady had graduated from the childrens choir and starting singing with the adult choir to which his parents and I belonged.
None of that really explained much about why he was here. In fact, his mumbled explanation had only intensified my confusion. As far as I knew, Brady had only been to my home twice before, once for a choir party Id hosted, and then not long after a second time that hadnt ended all that well, so it wasnt like I was expecting him despite his casual expectation that Id find it ordinary. Not long after that odd second meeting hed more or less dropped out of the choir, high school activities keeping him too busy his mother had said, so I dont think Id spoken more than ten words to him in the last two years. Now that I thought about it, I wasnt ever close enough to his family to exchange birthday presents, so that seemed odd. To top it all off, what seemed absolutely oddest was that it wasnt my birthday. Or even close. There was still a good five months to go before I faced another one, which was fine with me as the forty-five Id had already seemed plenty.
Guessing there might be some sensible explanation, I pulled myself together to try to find it out. Aware that the non sequitor sounded strange, I still found myself blandly muttering, Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?
Sure, he said eagerly. Yes, yes, I would. I mean, I dont drink coffee, but I would like to come in, you know, to give you your present.
Do you mind if I have one? I think I may need it.
Go right ahead, he said. I think you may need it, too.
Having absolutely no idea what he meant by that, I opened the door wider and wandered toward the kitchen. I felt sure he would follow, and frankly, I needed to collect myself and figure out what the hell was happening.
As I strolled down the hall, I formulated a question, and was going to ask Brady, but hadnt been able to ask it. One quick glance over my shoulder had revealed him still on the front porch desperately refolding newspaper sections and trying to stuff the lot of them back into the blue plastic bag in which they had been delivered.
Thank God for automatic coffee makers. Ive never been so glad to have a pot ready. I was able to pour my cup, and pretty well doctor it up with soy milk and sucralose, before Brady had made it in the door and down to the hall to the kitchen.
It was interesting watching him walk toward me. Having fallen almost over him, and then trying to right ourselves, Id been too close to him to really see him. Now I could, and I was pleasantly surprised. The last time Id paid attention, he was a gawky sixteen-year-old. But eighteen months, maybe, had gone by. He was older now, and looked amazingly good. His complexion had cleared up, his shoulders had broadened, and he stood up. He had one of those funny haircuts that are all the rage now, streaked with touches of artificial blond. I generally think those look kind of geeky, but paying some attention to his appearance had helped him and he carried it off well.
I couldnt help but think of the last time he had been here. Then hed looked a mess. Disheveled and dazed. It was not more than a month after hed come with his parents to the choir party. Hed shown up that evening at my house in a state of high anxiety, which might have been even greater had he not been either drunk or high, Im not sure which. I knew he wanted to say something, or ask something, but he mumbled from embarrassment and inebriation. He was so inarticulate, in a teenaged way, that I wasnt sure for a while what he was saying. Suddenly, Id been able to make out one clear phrase, and the whole thing jelled. I think maybe I have a crush on you, hed said.
I reacted instantly. Snapped into my professional mode. Thats very flattering, but youre sixteen. Kids your age are often confused about their sexuality. Yada yada. Glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me, but it might be a phase. Nothing wrong with you, of course, and you should feel no shame. Still, wouldnt want to leap to conclusions about either of us. Plus youre, what fifteen? Oh, sixteen. Great. Still not near old enough. No sir, lets get you headed back toward home. Oh, a word of unsolicited advice. I wouldnt come out to the parents until I was sure. You might talk to the priest. She is very cool, not judgmental at all, and could counsel you. Do you need me to call you a cab? You know the drill. Beat it kid. You are a minor.
Actually, Brady had been remarkably collected about everything once I figured out what he was saying. He seemed unperturbed by my panic. No, he could drive himself, he had volunteered. He was fine. Talking to the priest seemed like it might be a good idea. He was sure, he said, that he was gay, not just a phase, but he understood how I might want him to take some time to figure it out better
Id seen him at church reasonably regularly for another six months, but he really didnt speak to me, let alone mention it again. It was like our visit had never happened. I felt badly for a while, like I had abandoned him to a tortured adolescence, and then when his teenage years started going better than any Id ever witnessed, I got over it. Or rather, Id decided I was right and he was straight after all. Brady had become a real high school standout. He was at the top of his class. He was a popular athlete and had been cast as the hyper-masculine lead in the school musical. The whole choir had been invited by the proud parents. I didnt go, but many did, and by all accounts Brady had been good. So, he was just confused after all was how I had chalked it up. Thank God I hadnt opened that door. His open minded, nicely liberal parents would have lost it, Im sure. I had visions of a narrowly escaped life in prison.
(cont. in next post)
To my intense surprise, as I opened the door I nearly tripped over the young body sitting right in my way reading my newspaper. I was nowhere near as surprised as he was however. He almost fell over backward as I pulled the door out from behind him. In seconds he had struggled to his feet, but he was clearly discombobulated!
Sorry, he stammered, I didnt want to wake you, but I didnt want to miss you either, so I thought Id just sit here until I heard you moving around, but Ive been here for over and hour now and I got a bit bored so I decided to read your paper, which I didnt think youd mind, and then you came, and I, uh, I, well Realizing that his explanation wasnt really helping, he reverted to what was obviously a more planned approach. Hi, um, hello. I just came over to give you your birthday surprise.
While he was pulling himself together, I had managed to do the same. In a few seconds I realized to whom I was listening. It was Brady, a kid I knew slightly from church choir, and whose parents I had once known pretty well. I was, I guess, a kind of an old family friend. Id gone to graduate school with his father and known his parents since, well, since before Brady was born. Bradys parents and I werent close friends, since we moved in widely different circles, but because we happened to belong to the same Episcopal parish, wed vaguely stayed in touch. Id received a wedding invitation, and a couple of years later a birth announcement when Brady came along, and later some more for Im-not-quite-sure-how-many siblings, two or three maybe. Id been dimly aware of Brady growing up, and then more so as he entered high school. Brady had graduated from the childrens choir and starting singing with the adult choir to which his parents and I belonged.
None of that really explained much about why he was here. In fact, his mumbled explanation had only intensified my confusion. As far as I knew, Brady had only been to my home twice before, once for a choir party Id hosted, and then not long after a second time that hadnt ended all that well, so it wasnt like I was expecting him despite his casual expectation that Id find it ordinary. Not long after that odd second meeting hed more or less dropped out of the choir, high school activities keeping him too busy his mother had said, so I dont think Id spoken more than ten words to him in the last two years. Now that I thought about it, I wasnt ever close enough to his family to exchange birthday presents, so that seemed odd. To top it all off, what seemed absolutely oddest was that it wasnt my birthday. Or even close. There was still a good five months to go before I faced another one, which was fine with me as the forty-five Id had already seemed plenty.
Guessing there might be some sensible explanation, I pulled myself together to try to find it out. Aware that the non sequitor sounded strange, I still found myself blandly muttering, Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?
Sure, he said eagerly. Yes, yes, I would. I mean, I dont drink coffee, but I would like to come in, you know, to give you your present.
Do you mind if I have one? I think I may need it.
Go right ahead, he said. I think you may need it, too.
Having absolutely no idea what he meant by that, I opened the door wider and wandered toward the kitchen. I felt sure he would follow, and frankly, I needed to collect myself and figure out what the hell was happening.
As I strolled down the hall, I formulated a question, and was going to ask Brady, but hadnt been able to ask it. One quick glance over my shoulder had revealed him still on the front porch desperately refolding newspaper sections and trying to stuff the lot of them back into the blue plastic bag in which they had been delivered.
Thank God for automatic coffee makers. Ive never been so glad to have a pot ready. I was able to pour my cup, and pretty well doctor it up with soy milk and sucralose, before Brady had made it in the door and down to the hall to the kitchen.
It was interesting watching him walk toward me. Having fallen almost over him, and then trying to right ourselves, Id been too close to him to really see him. Now I could, and I was pleasantly surprised. The last time Id paid attention, he was a gawky sixteen-year-old. But eighteen months, maybe, had gone by. He was older now, and looked amazingly good. His complexion had cleared up, his shoulders had broadened, and he stood up. He had one of those funny haircuts that are all the rage now, streaked with touches of artificial blond. I generally think those look kind of geeky, but paying some attention to his appearance had helped him and he carried it off well.
I couldnt help but think of the last time he had been here. Then hed looked a mess. Disheveled and dazed. It was not more than a month after hed come with his parents to the choir party. Hed shown up that evening at my house in a state of high anxiety, which might have been even greater had he not been either drunk or high, Im not sure which. I knew he wanted to say something, or ask something, but he mumbled from embarrassment and inebriation. He was so inarticulate, in a teenaged way, that I wasnt sure for a while what he was saying. Suddenly, Id been able to make out one clear phrase, and the whole thing jelled. I think maybe I have a crush on you, hed said.
I reacted instantly. Snapped into my professional mode. Thats very flattering, but youre sixteen. Kids your age are often confused about their sexuality. Yada yada. Glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me, but it might be a phase. Nothing wrong with you, of course, and you should feel no shame. Still, wouldnt want to leap to conclusions about either of us. Plus youre, what fifteen? Oh, sixteen. Great. Still not near old enough. No sir, lets get you headed back toward home. Oh, a word of unsolicited advice. I wouldnt come out to the parents until I was sure. You might talk to the priest. She is very cool, not judgmental at all, and could counsel you. Do you need me to call you a cab? You know the drill. Beat it kid. You are a minor.
Actually, Brady had been remarkably collected about everything once I figured out what he was saying. He seemed unperturbed by my panic. No, he could drive himself, he had volunteered. He was fine. Talking to the priest seemed like it might be a good idea. He was sure, he said, that he was gay, not just a phase, but he understood how I might want him to take some time to figure it out better
Id seen him at church reasonably regularly for another six months, but he really didnt speak to me, let alone mention it again. It was like our visit had never happened. I felt badly for a while, like I had abandoned him to a tortured adolescence, and then when his teenage years started going better than any Id ever witnessed, I got over it. Or rather, Id decided I was right and he was straight after all. Brady had become a real high school standout. He was at the top of his class. He was a popular athlete and had been cast as the hyper-masculine lead in the school musical. The whole choir had been invited by the proud parents. I didnt go, but many did, and by all accounts Brady had been good. So, he was just confused after all was how I had chalked it up. Thank God I hadnt opened that door. His open minded, nicely liberal parents would have lost it, Im sure. I had visions of a narrowly escaped life in prison.
(cont. in next post)