Bisexual in a straight relationship - how do you get it to work

[rayray]

Hi, Dave - my advice would be explore those urges now and really figure things out before your life gets too complicated and too intertwined with the lives of others. I can tell you from experience that those urges do not go away and have a good chance of getting stronger. Having "secrets" and "urges" and "fixes" you intend to keep secret or manage seems like a recipe for a life of unhappiness and dishonesty (both to yourself and to others). Secrets beget more secrets and branch off into lies. It is also not fair to keep this information - that goes to the core of who you are - from a woman who you would be asking to spend the rest of her life with you. I'm not saying you can't be bi and be faithful (I was for 15 years without a problem until I became unhappy for unrelated reasons in my marriage). But ,the behaviors you're exhibiting (and which are familiar to me) suggest that you need to explore things and figure things out now and not later, particularly when other people's lives are at stake (e.g., a prospective wife and prospective future children).

Good luck with whatever you decide -

Dave

He is already in a monogamous relationship with her . Are you suggesting that he cheats on her before they get married? He should be honest with her and let her decide whether or not they should marry if it gets that far.

 

[Mule]

So my question, is how have you guys managed to remain loyal to your partner and manage the urges. I dont intend to tell her I am bi.

The bottom line is that if you intend to continue a serious, committed relationship, it's only fair that you tell her. If you cannot, I'd say that points to an underlying trust issue between you and her that will cause major problems sooner or later.

 

[ronin001]

I'm pretty sure that he means the difference between being in a monogamous relationship and being free and single is that you simply honour that agreement. Gender and sexual orientation are irrelevant in this scenario.

Pretty much just that thanks Swoon

 

[bicurdave]

Thanks again for your comments and views, to feedback on some of your views, there is no underlying trust issue, agree with being faithful and intend to be, however it is more complicated than a heterosexual relationship. Not sure what would be achieved by coming out, it would be like saying you fancy your girlfriends best mate, but wont do anything about it. You would only make your partner less secure.
Ultimately sex is a small part of a relationship. I respect all your differing views and thoughts and thank you for taking time to post.

 

[rainyday213]

I was outed to my girlfriend. I wasn't unfaithful, but she did feel betrayed that I couldn't trust her to know that about myself.

you should let her know. Nothing is more liberating that your partner knowing and accepting you

 

[tslice39]

So-- you lied to your wife 14 years ago- and you deal with that by cheating on her homosexually behind her back?
Obviously its damn hard, but that doesn't mean you have to stick it in people outside your marriage.

sure its too late to NOT be a cheat and a liar.... but that no excuse for choosing, every day, to continue being a cheat and a liar.
Even if you don't feel you can confess to your past transgressions, you CAN choose to stop cheating on her from today forward, and who knows? if you haven't managed to give her some disease - then maybe those pigeons will never come home to roost.


To the OP- how bisexual men of any character cope is by simply being faithful to their mates. Or by being honest and open with them.

Being bisexual is NOT a craving of which you simply have to indulge both aspects. It is Ni fucking different than being straight- because every straight person on earth meets OTHER people they feel attracted to.
Every straight fantasizes about sex with different women. And every straight woman fantasizes about sex with other guys.

The fact that you fantasize about people with dicks has no bearing on the fundamental challenge of fidelity.


So- its super easy- not hard. you simply CHOOSE to be honorable. Or you choose to be a self centered and dishonest prick.

Some guys get their wives consent- or even participation. Other guys simply decide that they have made a choice and a commitment and keep that faith. And still others either try and get they wives consent and instead get a divorce- or they decide that a marital commitment is incompatible with the lifestyle they feel compelled to pursue.

And all of these are honorable options.

But lying and concealing and sneaking around behind the back of someone proves that you know what you are doing is wrong in the eyes of the person you claim to love and honor. And so you dishonor them.

You become the person you practice being.
Don't practice being a deceitful fuck.

Way to go Phil, you nailed it!

 

[malakos]

Hi

Thanks for reading and any advice, would be appreciated, Apologies if i go on too much lol.

I am an orally bi guy (handful of experiences) over the last 10 years when I have been single. At first i was shocked that I had a bi side and was confused about it, after sucking my first cock. I have come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. I am not attracted to men as such, more oral the sex act. It is a secret that none of my family of friends know.

I have been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years, that I love and I can see myself eventually marrying. The only issue is I have very strong bisexual urges, i have not acted on them, but watch bi porn and wank off online with other guys to get my fix.

So my question, is how have you guys managed to remain loyal to your partner and manage the urges. I dont intend to tell her I am bi.

Thanks for your help, i am sure there are lots of guys out there who feel the same.

So you only crave other guys sexually, not other women?

 

[bicurdave]

I fancy women in all shapes and sizes and if single i would predominantly be having sex with women. Maybe i crave what i dont have, which is one sex act.

 

[michael_3165]

Woah some judgemental peeps in!

Don't get me wrong, I don't cheat and I am with a girl (who knows I am bi) and that's all okay with her. She knows I wank to gay porn and she doesn't bat an eyelid.

At the same time I have no real judgement on people who have cheated. I've been cheated on and in my relationship we are both clear - if you want someone else then tell me and we can part nicely.

I don't know what would push someone to cheat but I have a suspicion the relationship is not fulfilling. That's NOT the fault of the cheated... just people drift apart. I'd peronally prefer my girl to just tell me to save any pain.

What do I know? Just random thoughts. But it's easy to say how awful a person is for cheating but I've not been in their shoes.

 

[michael_3165]

Oh and I'd say get it out of your system. I was gay for well over ten years and did my guy experimenting and relationships. I've come through and define myself as bi but my family know my history. Saves the hassle and mess later

 

[wavejock]

He is already in a monogamous relationship with her . Are you suggesting that he cheats on her before they get married? He should be honest with her and let her decide whether or not they should marry if it gets that far.

I have to disagree on that. he is risking losing someone he loves simply because he has bi feelings/ Most women would be like bye bye by just the mere mention of it. I dont see the point in bringing it up

 

[wavejock]

You only have one life to live...so if you have bi feelings or are curious about dudes and are jerking off to guy porn...let me in on a little secret...you will continue to do that after you are married. if your wife catches you looking at gay porn her level of anger may not be as high as if you cheated on her with a guy, but it will be pretty high.

I am not judging you on anything that you do or may do...im just saying that you have one life to live, and the worst thing ever is regret. regret you didnt do something, try something, go somewhere whatever it is. if you think you can be cool with just stroking to guy porn as your outlet for the rest of your life..then cool. But there are a lot of guys out there that thought that, then the urge grows...and before you know it you are moving from watching porn, to maybe stroking off at the gym with someone. Then you move to touching another guys dick...then looking at craigslist hookup ads just for "curiousity"...well you get the idea.

Ill probably get some flack for this but I think if you are curious you should do it now, safely, before you get married. Youll get the idea if its something you really want to do..or something like ehhh it was good but im cool with porn haha. But the worst feeling in the world I imagine is being 40 50 60 or more and then realizing wow I want to suck cock and wish you had done it when you were younger.

 

[rayray]

Thank you for your replies, i do believe in being faithful and dont' intend to cheat. Will keep doing what i do and keep my fantasies in my head.

The truth will set you free . If you decide to tell her the truth you both together as a couple can decide what best for the both of you .

 

[halcyondays]

If you're in an exclusive relationship you make it work by remaining exclusive.

When it comes to resisting the temptation to stray, being bi isn't any different than being straight or gay.

 

[rtg]

Not sure what would be achieved by coming out, it would be like saying you fancy your girlfriends best mate, but wont do anything about it.

Not necessarily. You aren't admitting to being interested in a particular man, just the male sex in general. It seems like this is something that is really weighing on your mind and is really important to you. If it was me, I'd want my partner to tell me... especially before we got married. Then we could work through it. It wouldn't change how I thought about him if there were no trust issues to begin with. I certainly wouldn't run away. Obviously it's up to you, but I think honesty is the best policy. Especially if you're planning on spending the rest of your life with this person.

 

[rtg]

I have to disagree on that. he is risking losing someone he loves simply because he has bi feelings/ Most women would be like bye bye by just the mere mention of it. I dont see the point in bringing it up

And how do you know what most women think? You aren't even a woman.

 

[malakos]

I fancy women in all shapes and sizes and if single i would predominantly be having sex with women. Maybe i crave what i dont have, which is one sex act.

Perhaps my question was not clear. What I was trying to find out is: in the context of having a girlfriend, in addition to her, do you still crave other women, or only men?

 

[950483]

I have to disagree on that. he is risking losing someone he loves simply because he has bi feelings/ Most women would be like bye bye by just the mere mention of it. I dont see the point in bringing it up

That would be her decision to make, rather than having that decision taken away from her. Omission is still lying! Particularly if he does as you suggest and experiment with men.

Having these feelings, and going through this curiosity, he is very unlikely to find that he doesn't like sex with men after all in my opinion. I think I agree that he should try it if he wants to, but honesty is by far the easiest and kindest thing in the long run.

 

[wavejock]

And how do you know what most women think? You aren't even a woman.

I have to be a woman to have a sense of what women would think? I have women friends, I have dated plenty of women, etc etc, What I said was not all that outlandish.

 

[rainyday213]

That would be her decision to make, rather than having that decision taken away from her. Omission is still lying! Particularly if he does as you suggest and experiment with men.

Having these feelings, and going through this curiosity, he is very unlikely to find that he doesn't like sex with men after all in my opinion. I think I agree that he should try it if he wants to, but honesty is by far the easiest and kindest thing in the long run.

Basically this.

If it ends it ends, but better than to live with the anxiety that something could blow up in your face.
If you want to try being with men, do the stereotypical 'gay' thing and think about her feelings.