Bisexuality and you...well me..but you too

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This is a very interesting thread.

I probably shouldn't consider myself straight since I have had lovey sex with both men and women. I used to think I was gay, and then I met my wife. I am probably equally likely to want to have sex with a women or a man. I say 'want to' because of the wife. I love her because we are so well suited for eachother, she used to be a lesbian. We are both farily androgenous. Not a weird space alein type of androgeny, but I mean, she is a tough chick and I get mistaken for a girl a lot.

I think that labeling sexuality is a dumb idea. For a few reasons, firstly every one could be gay. In terms of the phsyics of it, you are physically able to recieve pleasure from either a man or a women. And in terms of the spiritual side of things, one day we all might meet someone who is the same sex as us but they are our soul mate. Now I know the "falling in love with someone of the same gender" thing might be considered by some to be highly unlikey, but you have to bear in mind the world is a huge place, your one true gay love might be on the Ukrainian steppes.

Also I think that love is about monogamey, so what does it matter who you aren't having sex with.

Also being willing to bang anyone is just nicer, it's more polite. How rude to just rule out half the population. Be nice, be Bi, if you want to call it that.
 

oneguy67

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This looks like a fun thread to weigh in on...

People get way too hung up on semantics on this topic because so many people feel the need for labels and our word choices for types of sexuality are far too limited for the available sexuality spectrum. Why do you think this site uses that percentage system? Because straight, bi, and gay aren't enough, vocabulary-wise.

Also, I think there's a difference between the clinical, technical use of the term bi and the practical use of the term. For example, there are those who want to strip anyone of the right to use the term straight if they fall anywhere less than at 100% heterosexual. If a hetero guy gets a blow job from another guy, everyone wants to say he's bi. Well, sure, Alfred Kinsey would say he's bi (clinical sense). But if it's just one blow job and they guy isn't going back for more, what's the big deal if he still calls himself straight, in a practical sense? (Now, if he's repeating it, loving it, and hiding behind the term straight, that's another issue, of course). But one blow job doesn't make you bisexual in a practical sense.

If you don't agree, try the argument in reverse: I'm hetero-curious. If go out and have sex with a woman one time does that strip me of the right to call myself gay? Does it make me a bisexual in any sense other than the purely clinical one? Of course not. In a practical sense, I'd still be gay.

I think bisexuality (which I think of as more in the 70/30 range either way) gets its bum rap (and undeserved threatening aura) from the "horror stories" about relationship breakups due to infidelity...which happens all the time with straight and gays, but it's somehow not as shocking. And there are the "horror stories" of folks who hide their true sexuality for whatever reason and then come out with a bang. And the activists on the gay and straight sides who are suspicious of anyone in the gray areas don't help either.

I just say, live and let live, and if you want a label, take it, but be aware of societal conventions if you do. And if you don't want a label, don't feel like you have to have one, but recognize that many people expect you to have one so be prepared for questions.

As someone else said in this thread, be yourself, and eventually you will find people who appreciate you for who you are.
 

biguy2738

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Let me start off by saying that this thread is fantastic. The discussion is very thought provoking...in fact, even though I first read some of the posts yesterday morning and kept returning to read the new posts, I haven't been able to offer my own input as you guys have left me with much to reflect upon...thanks!

To answer the original question presented by the OP, my answer would be a yes and a no when it comes to encountering misconception/discrimination when coming out (and bear in mind that I'm still in the process of coming out). I'll start with my positive experiences.

When I really and I mean REALLY understood what my being bisexual was all about I tried to have an integrated approach on things. I didn't only look at my sexual identity and attempt to glean information about an orientation that really is layer upon layer of grey, but to also look at my own identity, my relationships and to try to understand which areas within myself come from my sexuality and which ones come from who I really am. I also reflected upon how my new discovery(ies) impacted my relationships, most especially my marriage and what further impact I was still to encounter. It meant that I at least two months "on a mountain" trying to make sense of and formulate answers for myself. All of these layers of grey really challenge us bisexual folk to re-define our own personal ethics and values because our orientation comprises of at least 13 different forms and we find ourselves caught between the straight world and the gay world.
I believe that a vicious circle is in play because most of us are in hiding because misconceptions are rife, but misconceptions are rife because we are in hiding. It presented me with a challenge: "What are you going to do about it?" My only answer was one of, "To treat both my sexual orientation and myself with the honesty, respect and dignity that we deserve".

I sat down and documented my journey where I openly expressed my angst, confusion and pain...it proved helpful in making sense out a lot of thought and experiences. I decided that my way of coming out would be to provide those that are near and dear to me with a copy of it as well as an explanation about bisexuality and thirteen of it's forms. I didn't only want to educate them about me, but about bisexuality as well. I wasn't going to sugar coat things - I needed for them to know the truth about me, my sexual orientation and give them the opportunity to make informed decisions for themselves. I however didn't use this approach on my wife as she deserved to have the news broken to her face-to-face. I won't go into much detail because I've shared about this in other threads, but we are still happily married and my journey through my orientation is a journey that she has been willing to join me on...in the sense of a lot of sharing, discussion and open heart-to-hearts.

All of my friends have responded positively - offering me only acceptance, support and understanding. It really has been on of: They wouldn't want to tarnish our friendship with judgement or misunderstanding. I haven't outed myself to my family and purely for one reason only: My Mom spent almost two months in ICU and underwent three operations...hectic operations. It will take her at least six months to fully recover. I know that my siblings are gossipmongers and news will soon reach Mom's ears. I've been faced with the question: "Dare I place this before her right now while she is still very weak and trying to find her own feet again?" I think that to be unmindful of her own physical and emotional needs would be incredibly selfish of me at this stage in her life. I certainly do want to let them know about who I really am.

There have also been the negative experiences and quite a bit of them have come from the gay community. I approached a "GLBT" organisation wanting to join a support group. I received all bright and wonderful promises however, the therapist running the group is gay who, three months down the line still hasn't bothered to try to make arrangements for me to join. I've tried to follow up on numerous occasions with their mental health manager who hasn't had the courtesy to respond to my emails, not even by saying, "Fuck off".

I've tried to live a live truer to who I am and thus incorporate more gay folk into my circle of friends and have been met with either them running for the
hills or having to deal with an attitude of, "right, so lets fuck". The irony of it all is that most of the misconception and resulting discrimination that I've experienced from the gay community has really been projected from their own experiences of misconception and discrimination put before them by straight folk.

Yes, there certainly are bisexual men that hide behind their marriages and a straight facade (yet seeking a bit of m2m action on the side unbeknownst to their wives)...and there are also gay men that hide behind a bisexual facade. I could stand in judgement of them and try to tar and feather them for ruining the reputation of my orientation but in all honesty, I cannot because it is very, very sad. I've just recently become very good friends with a gay guy and though he's known that he is gay for quite some time, he is still very much in the closet and adamant that this is where he intends to stay. This has led him to now have little if any self esteem, he has isolated himself from everyone meaningful to him (I am the only person that knows that he's gay) because he is forced to relate with them on an almost superficial level...will he ever really feel as if he is relating with them on a level of acceptance and love for who he is? The most heartbreaking part of all, is that he has closed himself to any opportunity of finding love and fulfillment. It is a tragic loss. At times he even approaches me with fear because "What if he falls in love with me?" I keep reminding him that he ought to be asking himself, "What if I disappoint him by not being who he perceives me to be?...since he's put me on a pedestal. I've told him that I would like our friendship to enable him to go out there and find his man...that I'd like to go to gay clubs (above board gay clubs) so that I am able to be in an environment true to who I am...and one that's true to him where he is opening himself up to the opportunity of meeting "Mr Right", but his only reaction was one of almost attacking me. It's frustrating to see someone live in fear, desolation and a strong sense of being helpless yet I remind myself that I have no right to impose my wishes or hopes for him upon him.

Regardless of what our orientation is, sexuality can be very grey, confusing and at times, even isolating. The best that we can do is to try to find our own truth and to remain faithful to it. I am happy and grateful to be bisexual, June Jordan expresses how I feel beautifully, "Bisexuality means I am free and I am as like to want to love a woman as I am likely to want to love a man, and what about that? Isn't that what freedom implies?" Yet at the same time, it's not all roses, there are thorns as well.
 

biguy2738

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In my case, I am both an alternating and an emotional bisexual. I am monogamous and need to be in a long term and committed relationship, which should it ever end, could then end up being shared by a person of the sex opposite to that of my current partner. However, I also need to have a deep, loving emotional relationship (not as lovers) with a member of the sex opposite to my partner. My wife knows about this, accepts it and supports it. She has told me that if in the midst of my deep loving friendship with a guy I happen to fall for him and feel that he can make me happier, then she wants for me to leave her and go in pursuit of my complete happiness and fulfillment. I've told her that it's not as easy as it sounds. Firstly, I believe, TRULY believe that she's "THE ONE" for me, but apart from that, so I hook up with a guy but I need deep loving friendship with women...with it comes the risk that I will fall for her. Could that guy be willing to accept that or the risk that it involves? Would anyone, male or female be able to fully accept and celebrate me completely? I've heard stories from a lot of bisexual men who tried to be honest and came out to their wives and saw 15 years and even 20 years of marriage go down the tube...even though they had no intention of seeking out m2m sexual relationships.

In my own everyday experiences of life, I have concluded that being bisexual for me, is a state of being and be-ing. I have never had sex or been in any loving relationship with a man...and I have no intention of seeking it out while being married (truth be told, I've promised myself that should such a need arise, then I need to divorce my wife because I will not ask her for permission to put her at risk of disease or even death...nor will I have the gall to expect her to share me with somebody else), but I know deep down inside that am I able to find loving and experiencing sex with a man to be just a satisfying as what I've experienced with women. I find men to be eye candy just as much as women are...and I don't hide it either. I'll tell my wife when I think a guy is hawt...sometimes we'll even argue about who's the hottest out of a group of guys. She's always experienced me telling her when I think that a woman is hawt, so it's not much of a surprise to her when it happens. I've told my female friends that we now share even more in common...we can go shopping and check out guys.

In my mind's eye, I am not hiding or attempting to hide behind being straight or married, nor am I using other people's bodies for the sake of a moment's orgasm. Being bisexual satisfies me on very deep levels and the two biggest reasons for this is because my wife has "given me permission" (by offering me the safety and acceptance) to express my bisexuality to her (by way of open and often times scary conversation: She knows that I could easily bonk a guy, that I have fantasies that include men, that I find men attractive etc) but above all else, because I believe that I am treating my sexuality with the dignity and respect that it deserves.
 

prince_will

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yay! a thread for bi people. it's confusing and yet, wonderful to be bi. i'm sexually atttacted to both sexes, and i can have crushes on both sexes. i'm currently in love with two of my friends. one's the boy next door and one's a girl who i always had a crush on.

i'm heavily curious to see what happens with my sexuality when i finally lose my virignity. what will happen? will i lean towards one sex over the other or will i become fully gay or straight.

i just see lots of wonderful possibilites.

i do hate how people call bisexuality as the last step towards being fully gay, because it's so mcuh more than that. ok, there are cases such as Elton John and Alan Cumming who prove this therory to be correct, but i just have that whole school of belief.
 

SpitFireWheels

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Man, I didn't think this thread would get so much attention, haha. But I'm really glad to see that other people are having the same trouble/triumphs as myself. It's always a pickmeup to see that you're not the only one in this type of situation.

I'm just glad most of my friends are being very accepting. I've always been an outgoing type individual (once you get to know me) and I was just struggling with the fact that people wouldn't take it well and would view me differently. Lucky for me I know great people..and most people just don't care these days. So, everything is going good on my end and I'm pretty much the happiest I've ever been since I can finally be myself.

Great posts guys! Keep em' comin!
 

str82fcuk

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WOW There are some great posts on the thread. I have so much to read and reflect on from you guyz. I agree with you all that people are mainly hung up on trying to use exact language (which as a linguist I can tell you has never, and will never, exist).

Anyway how about this:
I have gradually come to realise that I am bisexual,
but I still also think I`m gay.
 

zzykes

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I know a number of men and a few women who are truly bi, and tend to agree that, given the right circumstance, many people would have sex with a partner of either gender. I myself enjoy having sex with men who are more "straight" than "gay," and that labeling isn't simply a reflection of their level of masculinity but of the frequency with which they bed women. To your point, SpitFire, just be yourself. I do agree with SpoiledPrincess that broadcasting to everyone isn't necessarily the way to go.
 

playainda336

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I have gradually come to realise that I am bisexual,
but I still also think I`m gay.
I dunno. I don't think many bisexuals think that they are anything but. If you think that you are gay, then you just may be...or so it would seem. I'd think a true bisexual would know that they have feelings for both men and women.
 

djpeh

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My experience: a lot of gay people, especially, I think, people who are my generation and older, who struggled with their sexuality both personally and politically and who eventually came out, saw a lot of married bisexual men who would admit in private to preferring to sleep with men rather than women, but who were afraid to come out because of familial or societal pressure--these were guys who were not honest with their wives, or really anyone else except the guys they slept with or met in gay venues (dare I mention Sen. Craig here?). As you might imagine, a lot of strictly homosexual and bisexual guys who identified as gay were not terribly happy that the gay world was becoming an easier place in which closeted bisexual men could get sex, while those same closeted bisexuals were refusing themselves to help make the world easier for gay people in general by staying in the closet.

This is, I think, a big source of the hostility bisexual men (at least) face in the gay world.

Now, having said that, I DO think that bisexual people who are younger, in their 20s and 30s, are generally being more honest about themselves from a MUCH earlier age (as this thread demonstrates), and so we are seeing more and more people who are known among their friends and families as neither gay nor straight, but bi. But there's still no real template for moving through society as a bisexual person, nor is there a real template for people who are close to one end or the other of the spectrum (and I'm more than willing to admit there IS a spectrum) to relate to bisexual people as a whole, rather than to just the part that the gay or straight person is more comfortable with (in the same way it is a bit more difficult for a straight man and woman to relate to the other's sexual choices or interests with empathy, rather than sympathy).

I have a married college friend who is finally, at the age of 44, coming out as bisexual, and from what I gather, he mostly fantasizes about men. One of my best friends is also his best friend and former lover, and it's been interesting to see that we both recognize--I from a gay perspective and she from a straight one--that it IS difficult for someone who is bisexual to make their way in the world. It's also been interesting to see her resistence to thinking about him in the future as someone who's bisexual: at least at first, she was fairly dismissive of his revelation--not necessarily as a stage--but as a minor part of his life.

One more thought before I end what has become a very unweildy post:

You're bisexual, and have been married (or domestically partnered) to someone for 15 years. You're a monogamous couple. You meet someone, and are talking about your personal life. That person says: "Oh, you're straight?" or "Oh, you're gay?" based on the sex of your partner. Do you correct that person?
 

D_Roland_D_Hay

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If labels were pennies, I would be a multi millionaire. I have to agree with the others that I have heard many times that I am just denying my homosexuality and one day I will come out. Well, I don't see it that way. I have had wonderful relationships with both men and women. I am equally attracted to both. I guess that makes me a hetero/homo or gay/straight. I am not sure what to call it because bisexual gets a lot of negativity. Again, they are all just labels. I do what I do because it makes me feel good and is part of who I am.

I just say NO to labels....djpeh, if someone asked me that question, I would respond "mind your f***** business"...well not really but that is what I would be thinking...
 

B_Hung Jon

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I dunno. I don't think many bisexuals think that they are anything but. If you think that you are gay, then you just may be...or so it would seem. I'd think a true bisexual would know that they have feelings for both men and women.

When you say "a true bisexual would know that they have feelings for both men and women", what does that mean? Does it mean they feel that both genders are sexy? Or that they have the capacity to love either a girl or a guy? This does get a little confusing to me. For me it's easier to just have sex with a girl but more complicated with a guy because I need to trust a guy big time to make love with him or even just to have casual sex.
 
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People have as much choice over their bisexuality as they do over their hetero or homosexuality. I dont see why anyone could disagree with someone claiming they are bi.

Over the years, ive been more and more willing to be open about my bisexuality. Just be happy with who you are and if someone else cant get or handle or understand your "alignment", their loss. Loving more than one gender seems far more interesting and consciousness-raising.
 

UtahCock

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When you say "a true bisexual would know that they have feelings for both men and women", what does that mean? Does it mean they feel that both genders are sexy? Or that they have the capacity to love either a girl or a guy? This does get a little confusing to me. For me it's easier to just have sex with a girl but more complicated with a guy because I need to trust a guy big time to make love with him or even just to have casual sex.


I would say to be a "true bisexual" you should be capable of falling completely, absolutely, unreservedly in love with either a man or a woman.

anything else, in my opinion, falls under sexual curiosity or sexual fetish. BEcause then its about sex.

But ultimately you identify as . . . say straight because you find your soulmate in a woman and she is the person you want to sure your life, your passion, you body with. Or if you're gay, it woudl be a man that you find that in.

When I get married (be it a man or a woman), I think I will still think of myself as bi, because, in my heart that is what i am. My past lovers, male and female, will still be as dear to me, but I will be living a straight or gay life. I won't hide my bisexual history, but i am sure everyone will either assume I am gay (because of my husband and kids) or straight (because of my wife and kids) and I am fine with going along with those assumptions.
 

UtahCock

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i dated a bisexual; in fact, he's the only person i've ever said "i love you" to in the romantic sense. people would ask if i wasn't afraid he'd leave for a woman. my response: what difference does it make if he leaves for a man or a worman, he LEAVES. all one can do is offer oneself, as one is at this point in the journey. if it's not enough for another, so be it.

this also applies to the OP. be true to yourself, don't misrepresent, and eventually you'll meet wonderful people who will appreciate you for you.

signed, a fag who wouldn't mind being with a woman again (preferably with another hot man in the bed too--wink).


Thank you for posting this!

I don't know why people think ths is so weird. Some people are cheaters. Some people woudl never cheat. Whether they are gay, bi, straight, whatever.

Some people think "Well, if i date a bi guy what if he wants pussy/cock again? Is he going to cheat on me?"

Okay,if you date a straight guy and he is wanting some new pussy, and he's cheater, he's goign to go out and get it. But if he is faithful then he is going to just bury himself deeper in your pussy (flip this around for gay guys dating a bi guy). Great sex is really about a connection between two people. Not so much about the organs involved.

If you think the guy you are dating is trustworthy, then he is going to be faithful. If he is not, then, yeah worry. But not because he is bi!
 

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People have as much choice over their bisexuality as they do over their hetero or homosexuality. I dont see why anyone could disagree with someone claiming they are bi.

Over the years, ive been more and more willing to be open about my bisexuality. Just be happy with who you are and if someone else cant get or handle or understand your "alignment", their loss. Loving more than one gender seems far more interesting and consciousness-raising.




Be warned I think you are playing with fire here to say people have choice over their homosexuality. I think people will argue and you may be :crucified:
 

SpitFireWheels

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Thank you for posting this!

I don't know why people think ths is so weird. Some people are cheaters. Some people woudl never cheat. Whether they are gay, bi, straight, whatever.

Some people think "Well, if i date a bi guy what if he wants pussy/cock again? Is he going to cheat on me?"

Okay,if you date a straight guy and he is wanting some new pussy, and he's cheater, he's goign to go out and get it. But if he is faithful then he is going to just bury himself deeper in your pussy (flip this around for gay guys dating a bi guy). Great sex is really about a connection between two people. Not so much about the organs involved.

If you think the guy you are dating is trustworthy, then he is going to be faithful. If he is not, then, yeah worry. But not because he is bi!

I fuly agree and that's the exact point I try to get across to some people
 

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Does it mean they feel that both genders are sexy? Or that they have the capacity to love either a girl or a guy? This does get a little confusing to me. For me it's easier to just have sex with a girl but more complicated with a guy because I need to trust a guy big time to make love with him or even just to have casual sex.
Well both, one is more simply described as bisexual (former) and the other described as pansexual (latter).
 
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Big En, perhaps you misunderstood me. I was saying people have NO choice over their sexuality, no matter what the flavor.
 

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a few questions for the bi guys here (and please be honest):

how many of you have told your female partners your sexuality status?

what were the reactions?

if not, why not?

blm