Bisexuality and you...well me..but you too

[jerkitout]

i totally get what people say about the whole sexuality spectrum. personally i am physically attracted to both sexes but only have the emotional attraction to women, but who knows if this will change. just gota take sexuality as constantly evolving i think

 

[str82fcuk]

. For me it's easier to just have sex with a girl but more complicated with a guy because I need to trust a guy big time to make love with him or even just to have casual sex.

Wow this is very interesting and totally counter-intuitive for me !
Could you please elaborate ?

I have always thought it would be easier to summon up enough trust to go with a guy although admittedly I haven't thought much about it and have never really had the opportunity to compare ...

I am not sure why I have thought this though because in general I am much less trusting of men than of women (or at least I was until I came to North America where everything is reversed)

Would you please tell us some more about this Hung Jon

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Wow this is very interesting and totally counter-intuitive for me !
Could you please elaborate ?

I have always thought it would be easier to summon up enough trust to go with a guy although admittedly I haven't thought much about it and have never really had the opportunity to compare ...

I am not sure why I have thought this though because in general I am much less trusting of men than of women (or at least I was until I came to North America where everything is reversed)

Would you please tell us some more about this Hung Jon

Well this has just been my experience so far in life & I'm still kinda young but I generally trust girls almost right away after meeting them, I mean, just as human beings. So right off the bat I think it's esier for me to get intimate with a girl generally than with a guy.

Also I may be different in this bisexual area but I'm not attracted sexually or physically to many guys. Just the way I'm built I guess. When I am attracted to a particular guy & he's attracted to me, then I usually find that there's other aspects of our personalities that also seem to be compatible. If I like a guy enough to want to make out with him, then the trust and comfort level is there for sure. Also it seems that we share some love between us, so I care about the other guy and want to make him happy, physically and emotionally. Making out, holding each other and having lots of skin contact as well as cuddling are important ways for me to maintain trust and love with anyone, but most especially the guys I love beause sometimes we guys become fearful of our intimacy and want to run away. So I've found that keeping the emotional intimacy alive is the best way to be with a guy lover. Hope this helps explain my feelings. :biggrin1:

 

[dickthrobbing]

i totally get what people say about the whole sexuality spectrum. personally i am physically attracted to both sexes but only have the emotional attraction to women, but who knows if this will change. just gota take sexuality as constantly evolving i think

I totally agree with your view jerkitout.

I just enjoy sex the physical being with someone male or female, exploring each others bodies, teasing their urges being, teased, the reaction of them me reacting to them ............. god just typing this is making me horny
But when it comes to an emotional attachment I can only do this with a female

 

[Mem]

The problem is that str8 people call Bi people gay, and gay people usually also think that Bi people are gay.

Mario Cantone said he didn't think there was such a thing as Bi, until he met one. He said that Gay and Str8 people are not Bi, so they can not understand.

Another reason is that many gay people first tell people that they are Bi before coming out of the closet.

 

[biguy2738]

My experience: a lot of gay people, especially, I think, people who are my generation and older, who struggled with their sexuality both personally and politically and who eventually came out, saw a lot of married bisexual men who would admit in private to preferring to sleep with men rather than women, but who were afraid to come out because of familial or societal pressure--these were guys who were not honest with their wives, or really anyone else except the guys they slept with or met in gay venues (dare I mention Sen. Craig here?). As you might imagine, a lot of strictly homosexual and bisexual guys who identified as gay were not terribly happy that the gay world was becoming an easier place in which closeted bisexual men could get sex, while those same closeted bisexuals were refusing themselves to help make the world easier for gay people in general by staying in the closet.

This is, I think, a big source of the hostility bisexual men (at least) face in the gay world.

Thank you for your explanation, djpeh, it is much appreciated. What you've had to say makes sense to me and at least I am now able to understand why I am often times confronted with the mistrust and discrimination from gay guys. I must admit though that it's still a bitter pill to swallow because it's not nice to be treated as if we are all torn from the same cloth.

I have had some pretty U-G-L-Y and painful experiences from gay guys since I realised the full of extent of my being bisexual...one guy that had the, "so...let's fuck" approach with me attacked me pretty badly and went so far as to accuse me of being afraid of sex. Little did he realise that it had nothing to do with fear, but everything to do with respect. I respected him enough to not want to just use his body, I respect myself enough to want to experience the whole package (love, romance, dating etc.) than just a quick roll in the hay, I respect my wife enough to either love and devote myself to her completely or else to walk away and I respect my marriage and the vows that I had taken. Admittedly, my choice volunteer to take those vows wasn't an informed decision that was made because at that time I truly didn't know that I was bisexual...but I do not regret making that decision. Just last week my wife and I were talking about this point and I told her that I carry only one very deep regret that associated with our marriage. I regret not knowing that I was bisexual at the time that we said, "I do". I regret it because I wish that I had known that I was bi, so that she could have had the opportunity to decide if she wanted to marry a bi guy or not.

Now, having said that, I DO think that bisexual people who are younger, in their 20s and 30s, are generally being more honest about themselves from a MUCH earlier age (as this thread demonstrates), and so we are seeing more and more people who are known among their friends and families as neither gay nor straight, but bi. But there's still no real template for moving through society as a bisexual person, nor is there a real template for people who are close to one end or the other of the spectrum (and I'm more than willing to admit there IS a spectrum) to relate to bisexual people as a whole, rather than to just the part that the gay or straight person is more comfortable with (in the same way it is a bit more difficult for a straight man and woman to relate to the other's sexual choices or interests with empathy, rather than sympathy).

I agree with you on this point and I applaud people like Hung Jon (can't remember the names of our other members) for not only having the level of self awareness and self knowledge that they do, but for being brave enough to be open to it and about it. At times I'm fairly jealous of them :redface: because I wish that I had been able to identify it much earlier on in my life. I certainly think that it would have made my journey so much easier if this were the case...discovering that one is capable of falling in love with a guy etc. in the midst of being married can be pretty devastating and it's difficult to deal with a lot of issues surrounding it whilst bearing the thought: "how does this impact my wife and my marriage" at all times.

One more thought before I end what has become a very unweildy post:

You're bisexual, and have been married (or domestically partnered) to someone for 15 years. You're a monogamous couple. You meet someone, and are talking about your personal life. That person says: "Oh, you're straight?" or "Oh, you're gay?" based on the sex of your partner. Do you correct that person?

In my case, the person wouldn't have the opportunity to ask the question, because I don't believe in play-play relationships, I prefer to surround myself with people that I can "get real with" (and vice versa) so I'll tell them almost from the start that I'm bisexual and though they may run for the hills (which happens more times than not), at least I know that I'm surrounded by that can accept me for me. Otherwise, regardless of how wonderful the person may be, if the relationship is based on perception, then what's the point? This obviously doesn't include my work situation because I think it would be unprofessional to expect clients to have to deal with every dimension of my existence.

 

[biguy2738]

a few questions for the bi guys here (and please be honest):

how many of you have told your female partners your sexuality status?

what were the reactions?

if not, why not?

blm

blm, as you'd know from my previous posts, my wife knows about my sexuality status...but since you've been honest enough to express your sceptism (which has been great because it's opened up the channels of communication...and I for one, have learnt a lot from it), I thought I'd go into more detail:

When I first outed myself to my wife, I needed to be honest with her about everything but I also needed to be as gentle as possible - she is one of the most gentle people that I have ever encountered in my life. I told her about my two month journey of inner angst and pain and how it was brought on by my falling for a friend that I had met online. We didn't cross any lines and we weren't looking for it but we clicked and it happened. Since we're both married, we agreed that we were not prepared to cross any boundaries etc. because there were innocent people in the mix (wives and children) who didn't deserve to be forced to deal with the devastation of us being unfaithful in our marriages. I told her that I am bisexual and that I am fully capable of loving men in the same way that I love women. She took it extremely well.

Later on that evening, I felt a bit sceptical and afraid. I felt as if things had gone a little too well and that the axe could drop at moment. I wasn't sure if she fully understood the implications of what I had shared with her. So I went back to her and told her that I could hold a man in my arms just like I was holding her in them...and that I in all honesty "bat for both teams". She was still fine with everything. I've never been "Mr Macho" and she told me that it was this attribute that had first attracted her to me.

The next morning, she mentioned that I had said that I could hold another guy just like I hold her, would I ever? ie will I ever have sex with a guy? I felt baited and extremely afraid and brushed it aside with a "Never!". I felt guilty because I knew that she deserved complete honesty and went back to her a couple of hours later. I explained why I had brushed her question aside and in the future, if I do the same thing (and she knows it), I would like for her to be aware that it is done out of fear and not dishonesty, but I would return to the question with complete honesty when as soon as I was able to. My reply was one of, "I can never say that it won't ever happen, to do so would make me a liar. What I can say is that it would have to happen in the heat of the moment because to seek it out or encourage it in any way would make the guilt unbearable." She has been able to accept that.

I've worked with a therapist who helped me deal with this in a constructive manner. I was given an assignment where I had to either go to a gay bar or watch gay porn and monitor my reactions to what I was exposed to. This was before I had outed myself to my wife, needless to say that I wasn't entirely comfortable to put myself in such an environment that my wife wasn't aware of. This assignment was in order to determine my sexuality...am I gay or bi, what is the extent of my orientation (just a little bit or pretty much bi) etc. I later decided to go with the bi porn and it was HAWT :biggrin1:. The wife knows about it, even though she isn't one that can handle porn, she accepted that it needed to be done. She has asked me if I'd go back to it and I quickly told her "yes"...a little too quickly because she was able to detect that I have and she is fine with it...just as long as I don't expect her to watch it with me.

I've been asked if I could see myself doing with men what I had seen take place in the porn and I told her that I could...and then proceeded to tell her that it's not just a case of "bend over" :biggrin1: but there's even a missionary position shared by men as well. She knows that I can see a guy and spend hours in fantasy of what we could do to each other...just as I am able to do the same thing with women. She knows that I've been going through what feels like a second puberty with raging hormones and a high sex drive.

I've created an "imaginary lover"...John as a way of expressing my bisexuality because I think suppressing it would wreak havoc, but also because I refuse to allow her to develop false security. Whenever she goes away on business etc. I'll joke about how John is going to come over and we'll be going at it like bunnies in her absence. She'll return home and I'll jokingly shout and tell John to hide under the bed. Crazy as it sounds, but it's great fun.

The other day I sat staring at the ceiling (on purpose) and she asked my what that was all about. My response was that John and I were literally swinging from the chandeliers while she was away and I was making sure that I'd wiped all the cum stains from the ceiling. She asked me why I didn't lick it off, and my reply was a YUM-MEEEEE! We had a good laugh about it.

She's since told me to promise her that WHEN I end up fooling around with a guy, I'd tell her about how I'd experienced it. I was taken aback and in all honesty I was FREAKED out. What made it worse was that she came back to me a couple of days later and asked if I'd told anyone on this (and other) forum(s) about her proposal...it alerted me that she was being serious. My mind was freaking out BIG TIME!

It's easy to get things right when you know that if you don't, your balls are on the chopping block, but remove it and it's no longer a case of following blindly but of having to make good and important decisions. I had to stop and consider what the repercussions would be etc., who I am and who my wife is, what my values system is, what hers is etc. All of this in the midst of being curious about having sex with a guy. I drew the conclusion that I still could not and would not be able to fool around with men. For a start, I may be true to my bisexuality (in a physical sense) but I wouldn't be true to who I am and the values that I hold onto very dearly. I wouldn't be able to have a casual fuck, I'd need to love the guy very deeply to be willing to hand myself over to him. The good thing is that this crossroads reminded me of my values and attitudes associated with sex.

Sex for me is a very sacred act. I see it as a complete handing over of self: I shelve my ego, my thoughts etc and strip myself completely naked before my wife. I approach her as I am and all that I have to offer is who I am. It's a deeply emotional and spiritual act just as it's a physical act and I walk away with a sense that our spirits have danced with each other and we've left a bit of it with each other. I dare not impose these thoughts or attitudes upon another because if anything, I'm most probably the one that's wired differently to most.

With my having said all of these things to you. I also need to admit that in no way am I noble nor am I the one responsible for approaching things in this manner. It's a team act. This is the result of having the wife that I do and how our being a team fulfills me and brings the utmost joy to my life. It is easy not to mess around when your partner is sexually compatible with you...in the sense of not only sex drive but attitudes and values surrounding sex. I also acknowledge that if none of this was a reality to my life, it would be extremely difficult to have this kind of approach, and I could so easily have ended up cheating on my wife.

My 2c worth... (though it seems to be much more than that...sorry!) :biggrin1::redface:

 

[SpitFireWheels]

Well this has just been my experience so far in life & I'm still kinda young but I generally trust girls almost right away after meeting them, I mean, just as human beings. So right off the bat I think it's esier for me to get intimate with a girl generally than with a guy.

Also I may be different in this bisexual area but I'm not attracted sexually or physically to many guys. Just the way I'm built I guess. When I am attracted to a particular guy & he's attracted to me, then I usually find that there's other aspects of our personalities that also seem to be compatible. If I like a guy enough to want to make out with him, then the trust and comfort level is there for sure. Also it seems that we share some love between us, so I care about the other guy and want to make him happy, physically and emotionally. Making out, holding each other and having lots of skin contact as well as cuddling are important ways for me to maintain trust and love with anyone, but most especially the guys I love beause sometimes we guys become fearful of our intimacy and want to run away. So I've found that keeping the emotional intimacy alive is the best way to be with a guy lover. Hope this helps explain my feelings. :biggrin1:

I'm kind of in a same situation. I think I trust girls more because alot of my relatives that I grew up with and hung out alot were girls, so i'm accustomed to them and also my best friend is a girl. It's not to say I don't trust guys any less..It's just that I feel more comfortable around females in general, and that's probably due to me growing up surrounded by them lol.

I've actually only really dated one guy in my life. This was just after High school. After dating girls for the last 3 years I decided to give it a go. It was really awkward at first but we managed and it turned into a great relationship, probably better understanding/feelings/emotions than any other of my relationships previous. Unfortunately, he had to move away for work and I was just too young/not ready to move that far away from home. Now I'm dating this girl who i'm pretty much head over heels in love with..I guess I just had to find the right one lol

I think it's really interesting with the different views that people have on this situation. Some people can love both male and female and some are only attracted to others on a sexual level. But you know, in the end as long as what you're doing makes you happy and you're lovin' life..Just fuck everyone else (metaphorically speaking)

 

[biguy2738]

I really enjoyed the following two personal essays because I can relate with them on so many levels.

I hope that you will find it worth reading.

Come As You Are

Bi Anxiety: On Coming Out Again

 

[Strontium]

a few questions for the bi guys here (and please be honest):

how many of you have told your female partners your sexuality status?

what were the reactions?

if not, why not?

blm

I told three girlfriends.

One girl flipped out and that was the last I saw of her for a long time (till she got married)

Another girl took ages to get over it (ie months), and would always look at me strangely if she thought I was checking a guy out. And if the relationship was going through a bad patch (which happened EVERY three days like clockwork) she would often blame my bisexuality (which was not fair, since i was happily faithful to her).

A third girl didn't even blink when I told her, she just looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said "oh don't worry, I'm bi too!"

 

[B_dxjnorto]

A third girl didn't even blink when I told her, she just looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said "oh don't worry, I'm bi too!"

That's the coolest. :tongue:

Good articles too. Thanks biguy2738. Does that mean you are the 2,738th bi guy on LPSG? :smile:

 

[biguy2738]

Good articles too. Thanks biguy2738. Does that mean you are the 2,738th bi guy on LPSG? :smile:

I'm happy that you enjoyed them. :wink:

Nah, it doesn't mean that I'm the 2,738th bi guy on LPSG, I'm actually advertising to take 2,738 guys for a test drive .
Still no takers - not sure if it's because I talk too much or if I need to change my brand in mouth wash. :biggrin1:

 

[B_Monster]

a few questions for the bi guys here (and please be honest):

how many of you have told your female partners your sexuality status?

what were the reactions?

if not, why not?

blm

I didnt have to tell my current gf of 1 year, our first sexual experience together was with another girl, the second was with another dude. Her reaction was explosive :wink:

 

[D_Geffarde Phartsmeller]

Just a little problem I've been coming across for a while now.

Recently I've started to let everyone know that i'm bi because basically I don't care anymore. People can't seem to grasp how I feel in general and it kind of bugs me. Like, people will say "Well being bi is just a road stop to gay town" or "Do you prefer men or women more? Honestly, for me it's not about the sex. It's basically my capacity to love a man or a woman equally. I don't care if they have a penis or a vag, if I'm attracted to them i'll go for it without question. It just kind of bugs me how some people who i'm close to will actually say this to me and they can't really grasp the concept. I've also said that it lowers my chances of not having a date on friday night? (so far that idea has failed me miserably)

How about anyone else? Anyone else feel this way or am I just one whacked out kind of guy? Thoughts/comments appreciated!

ps..if if the typing on this is horrible I apologize. I tore a ligament in my wrist today so I'm trying to type with one hand

I completely understand and no, you're not whacked. Love is love.

 

[BiItalianBro]

I have always been upfront with the women i have been with (including the exwife). For some reason I tend to end up with girls who are bi or bi-curious too....hmmmmm.

You all would be shocked at home many women are into bi men.

 

[Male Bonding etc]

I've told women at different points in my relationships with them. It seems to be a mistake to tell them too early because when it doesn't work out, the word seems to get around that I am gay. It may also be that when the relationship hasn't gotten serious enough they can more easily believe I must be lusting after every good looking guy who crosses our path (and if the relationship has indeed not gotten that serious yet, there could be some truth to that).

Thus, now I tend to wait until the relationship seems to be entering that really serious period. It's still a fine line between telling them before we are in a committed enough relationship for it not to matter and waiting so long that they feel I've kept something critically important from them.

It seems that the critical point is coming up here in a week or two with my current girlfriend. There won't be a problem with her as far as gay being ok because she has more gay friends than I do, but her trust is going to be the main thing. Ideally, she'll respond like Stronty's third girlfriend, and everything will be cool.

 

[Strontium]

It's still a fine line between telling them before we are in a committed enough relationship for it not to matter and waiting so long that they feel I've kept something critically important from them.

That's a fine tight-rope to tread. I dread it, and wish bisexuality wasn't the issue it commonly seems to be. Good luck with the outcome, anyway.

 

[Male Bonding etc]

Good luck with the outcome, anyway.

Thanks, mate. I'll let you know.