Bisexuals in the closet, are they really hiding who they are?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by lokican, Dec 31, 2008.

  1. lokican

    lokican Member

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    Hi just throwing the question out there, in your opinion, do you think bisexuals who are in the closet, are they really hiding their true selves? I've heard gay people tell some real horror stories of being in denial and driving themselves crazy, or going to great lengths appearing to be straight for peers. Now for bisexuals, is it the same? If they choose to keep their gay side on the downlow, are they relay keeping who they really are secret as well? Since they are have an attraction to both, they can still express their hetro sexuality,and don't have to live a lie, just keep the gay part private/secret.

    For myself, I don't mind my friends and peers knowing i'm Bi, but not my family or co-workers. The reason why is that I don't think i could handle them judging me. I would also not want to be treated differently, but then I wonder if I were gay if it the whole thing would be different.

    Interested in hearing people's thoughts on this.
     
  2. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    If you chose to keep your bisexuality to yourself then that is totally your choice. No one can really tell you what you should do, as long as you feel it's right.

    For me personally, I dont think I would feel the need to "come out" as being bisexual unless I wanted to have a full blown relationship (ie not just sex) with a guy.
     
  3. ohhhey

    ohhhey Member

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    I think it's easier to let people presume you're straight and not feel like you're hiding something... but ultimately I think you have to tell some friends at least or you'll have that horrible in-the-closet feeling.
     
  4. hot_topic90

    hot_topic90 New Member

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    i hate this fucked view of sexuality.
     
  5. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    It really isn't a "fucked up" way to deal with one's unique sexuality, hot topic90. Some of us, due to the ways in which we became sexually active, have discovered that we are able-- and have in times past-- to sustain long-term loving relationships with both men and women. In my own case, my lifetime partner happens to be a dear lady; after many years I do not deny that "other side" of my unique sexuality; I just am not active on the gay side of my sexuality. You see, I do believe in being faithful in a relationship; I do not cheat.

    What happens sexually between two persons is personal and private and in my view ought to remain so. What the public gets is what they can see. Were I single today I might very well find a relationship with a man appropriate; in that case, the outside world would be free to draw its own conclusions; but, except on a site such as this, I would not let them have any details of my private and personal sex life.
     
  6. Aileana

    Aileana New Member

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    To answer the basic question, YES. If you can't be completely honest about yourself with people, then you are hiding who you really are. It's that simple.
    I'm bisexual, and I've had a hard time coming out to people, and I still can't come out to my family for fear of them disowning me.
     
  7. ZOS23xy

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    My wife knows, and that's all I need. I catch her looking at women too. For us, we always knew, so we never had to play games.
     
  8. BiItalianBro

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    Lokican, I really do not think that there is a timetable you or anyone else has to follow. "Coming out" to me was an inside job...not just accepting who and what I am, but embracing it and moving on with life...not necessarily waiving a banner that says SWITCH HITTER lol. Telling your close friends is easy compared to telling your family. I see that you are a student so I assume you are a youngin (over 18, of course). Im not going to pretend to know your familial circumstances, but I could see where including your parents and siblings in the sexual loop may not be the most appripriate thing to do right now.

    As far as romantic interests....as the cliche goes...in my experience, honesty is the best policy. I dont lay it on the table on the first date...but I have always let them know my sexual orientation. Also, for me, I make it clear that bisexuality is not a lisence to cheat and sleep around, but make it I clear that I have been with members of both sexes before getting sexual with someone new.

    I dont know if that 'answered' anything....but thats just the experience i had coming of age. Best to you in the new year bro! =)
     
  9. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    I am a bi man.

    The idea that we are hiding something about who we are is a short-sighted view held by both straight and gay people about what it means to be bisexual.

    Basically, it means that we can't really be bi ... we must be hiding our true nature, which is more narrow and limited like being straight or being gay is.
     
  10. Primal_Savage

    Primal_Savage New Member

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    To answer your questions. As a closeted bi- for nearly 2 decades, I'd say yes to your first question in so far as I hid my true "sexually" from others but not the rest of what makes up my being as a person. For the first 10 years or so I was in blatant denial, tho I wouldn't say it drove me crazy. As most of my friends and associates saw me as a masculine guy-next-door, I didn't have to go to extremes to appear straight as I was an ex-college jock, well-built, atheletic, and a real extrovert. Probably the one most frequent question that I was asked was: "For someone who seems to have everything going for you, why aren't you married?" Then the next question: "Are you gay?" Most of the time, depending on who was asking, I'd laughingly say: "Hell yes. Nothing I love better than sucking cock and fucking ass. You want to join my stable of boyfriends?" That would generally shut them up cause I'd be laughing and smiling and my response would be taken as jest. My next line would be something like: "No, seriously. Every woman I date is so demanding and always seems intent on changing me, especially everything they consider a bad habit."

    Tho, the girls/women I dated really hated my lack of commitment, the truth was that I never really loved any of them. Things have changed over the last 4 or 5 months and I'm in a relationship with another closeted guy. We're very much alike, and unlike past relationships, I am emotionally involved, probably for the first time in my adult life. Our intention is to stay closeted, despite the fact that it's often difficult. Why, because others are curious which in turns brings on questions that we'd prefer to avoid. What we do when we're together really isn't anybody's business but our own.

    Okay. Some of you will say that I'm not really bi and that I've come to the realization that I'm really gay. Not true. I still have memories. I still entertain thoughts of fucking women, tho given the present circumstances won't. I still like str8 porn and yes on occasion will go to titty bars with friends, etc., etc.
     
    #10 Primal_Savage, Dec 31, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2008
  11. avg_joe

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    I used to be a bisexual (50%gay and 50% straight), but after seeing a very cute guy who works at a restaurant, my gay side weighs more than my straight side (80% gay and 20% straight). LMAO !!!
     
  12. D_Carroll Condomripper

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    What would be the benefit of being bi compared to being gay? I would think both would be harassed by the "right"...
     
  13. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    I don't know that there's a benefit in being bi. But that's who I am.
     
  14. oddzeus

    oddzeus New Member

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    I am a bi man as well..
    My wife knows that then we can have rich mfm encounters and both enjoy them
     
  15. Steve26

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    I've never found it all that important to get an exact read on anyone's sexuality until and unless I was contemplating them as a sex partner.

    I'd tend to agree with flame boy: until and unless you are contemplating a serious gay relationship, I don't see the necessity of "coming out" as bisexual. I had friends who made flashy pronouncements about their bisexuality in college, and I think we all viewed it as so much undergraduate drama so long as they weren't actually involved with people of the same sex (which most of them never ended up doing anyway).

    There's clearly such a thing as TMI when it comes to sex, and I don't think we all need to know all the lurid details of everyone else's sexual fantasies, proclivities, and experiences.

    Steve
     
  16. rbkwp

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    Primals post 10 accurately describes what i have lived thru i have 100% Gay (living solo currently) as thats where i am at the moment.
    Mid 80s i would have said i was 80/20 the 20 being Str .. but that was only because i lived with a Lady for 5/6 years ..inclinations were still for the guys
    I have often felt we change all the time and i am of the opinion we all Humans have that Bi factor within us ..ie no ones 100% anything .. and yes i have that in my profile?
    enz
     
  17. Not_Punny

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    I think it would be easier to be 100% one way or the other. I know being 100% is easy for me. :tongue: But I am in a LTR with someone who is "part-Bi" (80/20) -- luckily for him, I don't mind if we occasionally tag team guys together. Maybe that's why he loves me...?? :eek:

    But I do worry that one day he will decide, OK, that's it, Guys Only Now...

    I was already married to someone who came out of the closet after three kids and 10 years of marriage. :eek: :eek: :eek:

    Ah well, I guess I like adventure.
     
  18. Silvertip

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    This topic is always a contentious one. For what it's worth here's my 2ยข worth:

    I agree with Hot_Topic90 to the extent that relying on "labels" is a fucked way to communicate one's sexuality.

    I agree with Corius that intimate matters between individuals are private, and should be treated as such.

    I agree with Aileana that candor is a virtue and you should always be honest about who you are. However, there are times when it is better not to flaunt who you are and even to be secretive about it.

    I agree with McSizzleSizzle that bisexuals are subject to harassment, but not just from the "right". Any narrow minded bigot can be the source of that harassment. I've known a good many "on the right" conservatives who are understanding and tolerant of those who are not "straight" like them. I've also encountered a fair number of very "left" gays who are quick to flame any bisexual as being in denial about actually being gay.

    I agree with Steve26 that it really shouldn't matter to anyone other than a potential sex partner.

    But most of all I agree with FlameBoy that it depends mostly on what kind of relationship one is having. There are an infinite number of shades of gray between being 100% straight and 100% gay. I'm in the closet simply because to be open about my sexuality would require far too much explaining, and that explaining would necessarily be too sexually explicit for the general public to receive comfortably. That's because in my case my "bisexuality" extends only to having recreational sex. Sure, I very much need to also have a sense of mutual trust and respect with anyone with whom I am sexually intimate. But for now, at least, I am not capable of having a loving, amorously passionate relationship with someone of my own gender. If I should grow into someone who can do that and eventually want that kind of relationship with another man then I believe I would feel compelled to "come out" to my friends and family. In the meantime there's no way that I'm going to tell my friends and family that I enjoy trading blow jobs with compatible male friends.
     
  19. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    I know that you've heard this a million times before but:

    If they are going to abuse you then why do you care about them?
    Maybe you'd be surprised at how tolerant they are.

    I came out at 21. I basically told everyone. It felt so good to tell people that I was bi that I probably told way too many people. Word got around and I had a few regrets, but nothing horrible happened. I didn't lose any friends. Since then, I moved to Ottawa and I've been totally open about my sexuality. They only people who I don't tell are my hockey mates, simply because I am afraid of getting kicked off the team. I suspect that they already know, though.

    My family has accepted my sexuality. I told them all privately and they gave me pep talks that I really didn't need. I was totally fine in my skin.

    My friends are even more accepting. They are curious about it and some even think that it's "cool". My best friend, who is straight, once told me, before his wife got pregnant, that he wished that he had a gay son or daughter because he could teach them to be proud of who they are. I am definitely not the odd man out in my social circle.

    Due to my lifestyle, mannerism, interests, etc., I could easily have stayed in the closet. I am glad that I came out long ago.

    I don't mean to sound superior by posting this. I realize that many people aren't in a situation to come out because of their family, friends, job, spouse, etc. I am just saying that coming out can be a positive experience.
     
  20. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    It must suck for bisexuals to be told that their sexual orientation doesn't exist. It's denigrated as a "phase," as a diversion, or as a masquerade. I was active in a gay-straight alliance in school for a while, and I heard the words "bi now, gay later" more than I cared to admit, which I thought was patently ridiculous because bisexuals are included in the LGBT umbrella for justice and fairness, and yet you had one marginalized group pumped on some stilettos and makeup and pride parades trying to bash their own allies. It was discouraging, to say the least.

    For starters, I think bisexual shouldn't be used as a transition word. If you're experimenting, say you're experimenting. If you're unsure, it's okay to be unsure; say so. Be honest about where you're at if you feel it's appropriate to tell anyone. And if you don't, that's great too because it's your right, not someone else's privilege, for you to choose when and how to disclose your sexual orientation. Personally, I think it's none of my business and I don't feel I have to know unless we're in a significant relationship.

    (Hell, if it's a fling, I don't care to know that anymore than I care to know what you study in school, what you want to do with your life, or the secrets you keep under your hat. Just the standard questions about being clean and if you have any extra condoms and lube. Now suck my dick already!)

    I don't mean to be insensitive to Not Punny's point, but let's take gender out of the mix for a second. You got cheated and you were deceived by your partner. Your partner chose to take advantage of your feelings instead of being honest about something deeply personal that should have been established. Is there an added sting because of gender? Sure. But don't warp the fundamental wrongdoing; cheating is cheating is cheating regardless of who you do it with -- man, woman, or mechanical bull.

    And I also don't get the logic behind bisexuals all of a sudden shifting sexualities just on the face of who they date or fuck either. Someone said earlier that he's not dating a guy so he's more gay. What? Did women become less attractive to you? If you were watching the same porno movie as you did pre-relationship, the woman wouldn't get you off as much? Someone needs to clarify this for me.

    One of my friends in college was bisexual until she got married, and then it was as if that part of your life was written off the record like it never existed. I understand that in relationships you get constricted opportunities to do what you want to do. Those limits are necessary for a monogamous relationship to function. Sure, they can be traversed but only under the terms agreed upon in the relationship (which is why mixed orientation marriages are interesting because they, in fact, are the trial of figuring out how to accommodate everyone's interests while preserving the emotional bond of a marriage). So, why would dating a bisexual, especially if we can safely assume that their relationships fundamentally aren't any different than straight or gay ones, be any different?

    Like I said, you're just dealing with a larger dating pool -- not so much an African Moon Violet. The basic assumptions of a monogamous relationship can still hold. It's merely the lack of dating someone who neatly fits into all the standard assumptions (including you should either be straight or gay, wtf is this bisexual stuff?!). And I think that genuine love and interest in a relationship doesn't mean you can't deal with those adjustments as they come.

    For what it's worth, I applaud IanTheTall's relationship with his partners. Their polyamorous arrangement is certainly contemporary. But I don't think that's the key for bisexuals to be happy either. Maybe you do; maybe you don't. I don't know. But I think it's important to quit holding bisexuals to some ridiculous standard and to start treating them like regular people who deserve the same rights and privileges to love and to be loved.
     
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