Blowing someone off...

[bbristow]

Sorry, but this doesn't have anything to do with the sexual act, as suggested in the title. I just cannot think of any other way of describing this issue.

One Sunday morning I went into the gym and this guy was already there. As it is a 24-hour gym and a weekend, there's no one there but just the both of us. He's definitely older than me (probably in his thirties) and he starts to talk to me. Being the friendly person that I try to be, I talk back.

So after a while he left me alone doing weights and he went to one of the bike machines. Then he approached me and starts chatting to me, and noticed how my muscles are developing (not much, but it is) and starts to touch the area. I haven't been into a situation like that so I let him touch. Then he asked me, "you seem nervous". I was, but I told him no, which was so obvious that I was lying. Honestly, my heart was racing and blood was rushing to certain places of my anatomy but I was not attracted to this guy. It doesn't help that he smells really bad too.

During that time as well, he asked me if I have some coins for him to get coffee. After that, I thought, "WTF, the nerve on this guy!"

Anyway he went back to his bike, I went back to my routine and then after a while he came back again and starts talking. He asked me "Are you alright?" and said "yes, why?" He did mention that he "is interested," and I probably did say a bit too much personal stuff because I tend to blab a lot, which was a huge mistake. Then he asked, "You're gay, right?" to which I responded with a shrug. And he starts to telling me I should come out, etc. Througout that time I kept silent then he left me alone and left the gym, leaving his stuff.

I never saw him again til last week while working out in the morning before work. He just left his stuff and went out. I thought to myself, is this guy homeless or what!?!

Then on Sunday, I was supposed to go to the gym after my mom and I go out for mother's day. I brought all my stuff with me and to leave in the gym lockers. Then I saw him in the bike machine. I walked past, he still smelled bad (to the point that his body odor grosses me out and I wanna puke), went into the lockers and took off. He did ask a question when I walked past to exit but I ignored him and pretended to be grumpy.

After all the mother's day 'festivities' I went back to the gym, and he was there in the changing room in his undies. I mean, come on, he's been there for more than two hours, probably just sitting in that bike machine thing or going in and out of the place. I took my bag out of the lockers and he said "a bit grumpy today, eh?" as I was walking out and touched my shoulder. I am actually feeling myself get grumpier with this guy being all touchy-feely.

I have a feeling that our paths will cross again, and starts chatting me up once more. I'm not the kind of person who can fight back and says something witty to shut them up like they do in movies or TV (well, I am able to think of something, but cannot to do it on the spot). I don't want to seem rude to tell him off, but I'm getting to the point that there's no other choice. I know I've led him on to thinking that I want to build a friendship with this guy (or something more) and I am really regretting my actions.

My contract is expiring by the end of July and I was really thinking of moving to a much bigger gym in the city (which would probably break my budget even more), or somewhere closer to home. That is probably my best move, but until then I'd have to suffer through hoping that I won't have an encounter with this guy and get suffocated with both his chats and his stench.

Any suggestions?

 

[Florida Boy]

You are a cute guy. Don't think I blame the guy for being "interested." Not sure what you meant by leading him on. Shrugging at the "gay" question, may have left the door open. The less you chat with him the better.

The odor is strange. Most homeless people can't afford gym memberships.

 

[hung9mike]

The guy thinks you're gay. I can't say I blame him. I think you're gay too. You don't identify your sexuality on your profile here, so you're being as coy with us as you are with him. Tell him you're not interested. Unless, of course, you are.

Honestly, my heart was racing and blood was rushing to certain places of my anatomy but I was not attracted to this guy. It doesn't help that he smells really bad too... Then he asked, "You're gay, right?" to which I responded with a shrug. And he starts to telling me I should come out, etc... Any suggestions?

 

[bbristow]

You are a cute guy. Don't think I blame the guy for being "interested." Not sure what you meant by leading him on. Shrugging at the "gay" question, may have left the door open. The less you chat with him the better.

The odor is strange. Most homeless people can't afford gym memberships.

The homeless thought was something random and stupid. I just thought since he smells bad and asked for money, that perhaps he's poor. But asking someone for money isn't really a good way of starting a relationship - friendship or something more.

I guess the way I opened up - telling him where I'm from, how I don't go out partying etc that made him think I was flirting or something. And then that shrug happened.

I just don't know how to deal when I ignore but he still comes up for small talk. Maybe I should tell him to stay away, otherwise I'd die from air poisoning.

Thanks for the cute remark. I appreciate that. I'm lacking some self esteem and confidence right now, so that was a bit calming. Haha.

 

[bbristow]

The guy thinks you're gay. I can't say I blame him. I think you're gay too. You don't identify your sexuality on your profile here, so you're being as coy with us as you are with him. Tell him you're not interested. Unless, of course, you are.

Yeah I think I am. I mean, I had my share of experiences and all, but I'm probably not ready to admit it.

But I'm definitely not interested. I just find it a bit daunting to say it to someone's face.

 

[ges]

Responses so far are not reminding you that you have done nothing wrong here - it should not be necessary for you to defend (or feel guilty about) any of your statements or gestures.
This fellow is being aggressive in his invasion of your private space and privacy. Unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary to be very assertive in response. I'm hopeless at assertion, so can't offer much help.
I would also consider approaching the management if this harassment continues (I think they have an obligation to provide a safe environment for all their members).Cheers and good luck.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Be honest with him, and remember you owe him nothing. When he approaches hold out your hand like a stop sign, and tell him you want to be left to focus on your workout. You don't go to the gym to chit chat, but to work hard. And if he says anything to try to convince you, just say "No. I've said all I have to say to you. Go away from me." If he still persists, complain to management about his odor and bad manners.

 

[thadjock]

But I'm definitely not interested. I just find it a bit daunting to say it to someone's face.

well u don't have to feel like you're alone in that respect. I've run into so many guys that just aren't able to be direct it's amazing. even guys who have managed to work their way up a corporate ladder very close to the top, and they still don't have the balls or backbone to just say what they mean instead of playing all kinds of games dropping hints that they're interested in you.

I on the other hand represent the other end of the spectrum, I've never had any trouble letting a guy know i'm interested in him in no uncertain terms, or letting a dude know that I'm not interested. and always manage to find a way to say it without seeming threatening ( if i'm not sure the guy is gay) or mean.

take john mayers advice and just: say what you mean to say. you don't have to deliver rejection in a harsh way, and don't lie and say you have a bf if you don't. our egos aren't that fragile. i realize there are parts of the country and the world where if you're gay you have to do that "dance" around the issue and be super cautious and all, but come on, it's 2010 and we all know gay is here to stay.

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

Be honest with him, and remember you owe him nothing. When he approaches hold out your hand like a stop sign, and tell him you want to be left to focus on your workout. You don't go to the gym to chit chat, but to work hard. And if he says anything to try to convince you, just say "No. I've said all I have to say to you. Go away from me." If he still persists, complain to management about his odor and bad manners.

I agree with this 100 percent.
Just be direct.
You can be firm without raising your voice.
But you have to be very clear.
One thing you can do is decide in advance what he needs to hear ... in detail, but obviously it doesn't have to be long ... and then make sure you say it.
The words must come out.
That's all you have to do.
And if he persists, then, as AltereredEgo suggests, you may have to say something to management.

 

[Gillette]

Be honest with him, and remember you owe him nothing. When he approaches hold out your hand like a stop sign, and tell him you want to be left to focus on your workout. You don't go to the gym to chit chat, but to work hard. And if he says anything to try to convince you, just say "No. I've said all I have to say to you. Go away from me." If he still persists, complain to management about his odor and bad manners.

This.

Wearing headphones can also help to discourage chit chat.

 

[HiddenLacey]

This.

Wearing headphones can also help to discourage chit chat.

I agree with the headphones. If he still bothers you tell him your there to work out and you'd rather not talk.

 

[thadjock]

This.

Wearing headphones can also help to discourage chit chat.

ok so this would probably effect the desired result but isn't it a little childish to employ props and avoid someone?

I mean i don't know enuff about the OP to comment on his situation, but if i had approached someone and they just avoided me with headphones as a blocking device, i'd be more insulted than if the person just said: "hey, i'm flattered but not interested, i'm attracted to a different type." or something similar.

otherwise it doesnt' make any sense that we learned to walk on our hind legs and share a language does it?

 

[FRE]

Consider simply stating that you are there to work out and to have a good work out, you have to focus all of your attention on it. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling someone that he is making you uncomfortable and that you do not like it. If someone tried to touch me that way, I'd probably back away and give him a cold stare, or say, "Hands off!!" That said, sometimes we do give people the benefit of the doubt when we shouldn't, or are too stunned to react appropriately.

Once at the downtown YMCA in Minneapolis (I lived in Minneapolis at one time) a guy actually tried to grope me while I was taking a shower. Because I had soap on my face, I couldn't see him, but I instantly tried to hit him with my fist; I missed. However, that was a different situation and under the circumstances, I believe that I did the right thing. After that, he was afraid of me and always avoid me, which was fine with me.

There is a place for rudeness, but not often and only in extreme circumstances. When I lived for 10 years in a third-world country, I was driving some place with two passengers. One was giving me badly needed directions, but the other kept interrupting even though I said several times, "I'm trying to hear Mosese." Finally, I just said, "Shut up!!" I've said that perhaps 3 times in my entire life.

 

[bbristow]

Thanks for the advice, fellas.

I'm kinda scared to go to the gym in the weekends now, since it's all quiet and there's not a lot of people and he'd probably think it's a good environment to start a conversation.

But oh well, I'll tough it out and move to a new gym closer to home in two months or so. That way it's a win-win for me. No more stinky "admirer" and the gym will be in closer proximity to home. Saves time on travel and I get more time sleeping in on weekdays.

So I guess I'll just try to be as polite and direct as possible to tell him "Sorry, but it would be great if you'd stop talking to me and leave me alone and please stop touching me." If push comes to shove I'd probably just say bugger off and get outta my ugly face.

Regarding the headphones, I used to listen to my own music but I like listening to the music on whatever video is on the TV (especially if they have the music video channel that shows videos from the 80s/90s.... brings back memories and it's fun to laugh at them too). And I cannot concentrate sometimes if i have the cord getting in the way of my movements. I'm a bit too fussy I guess.

Thanks once again. I'll let people know if the time ever comes when I man up against this guy.

 

[thadjock]

So I guess I'll just try to be as polite and direct as possible to tell him "Sorry, but it would be great if you'd stop talking to me and leave me alone and please stop touching me." If push comes to shove I'd probably just say bugger off and get outta my ugly face.

you might want to work on diplomacy.
I can think of at least 8 different ways to rephrase that so it wouldn't come across so offensive, and still get your point across.

I'm a bit too fussy I guess.

so it would seem...... in a nutshell.

 

[coachreffn]

You got some great advice from the men on this thread. It would be fine if you moved to another gym but you still have the issue of how to deal with people. That is not going to go away. You seem to sway from one extreme to another and don't know how to communicate with people. I doubt if this man is homeless and I doubt if he has such a strong stench. He did not approach you in the lockerroom while you are dressing or undressing. It was out front. I think you are safe from him and you have made far too much out of this situation. Stop being so fussy.

 

[FRE]

you might want to work on diplomacy.
I can think of at least 8 different ways to rephrase that so it wouldn't come across so offensive, and still get your point across.

so it would seem...... in a nutshell.

Right; usually (but not always) there are ways to make a point without being offensive. Being rude is usually not necessary unless more diplomatic means have repeatedly failed or unless the person has done something unusually extreme. Unfortunately, when one is actually in a difficult situation, it can be hard to think of an appropriate response.

 

[helgaleena]

It was wrong for that guy to touch a person he only just met, no matter what the setting. And it is not wrong to complain to management about him doing that.

You sound like somebody who talks just to fill the air, who is bothered by silence between people. Not all humans are like that. Many expect silence, especially in Scandinavia. Maybe this will teach you to drop the nervous chatter habit. But this man is not picking up on your negative signals so you must strengthen them, including the silence and the frowns.