bothered by boyfriends sexual history

[madman411]

let me first point out that he is not my "boyfriend" per-say. we met about a month ago and see each other a few times a week. we've slept together several times with nothing sexual. last night we spend our first night naked in bed together after we went out drinking, but no sexual touching occurred.

there's quite a few things about my "relationship" with this boy that i feel like i'd like to address, but i don't want to start divulging details about us. so far our relationship has gone well, so i guess there's really nothing to complain about.

tonight we were laying in bed talking and watching a movie. the topic turned to fetishes and whatnot and he mentioned that he enjoys ass play, swallowing cum, fucking bareback, etc. now, this may be because i've not had many boyfriends in the past (and as far as i know, neither has he) and to me sex is a very personal affectionate thing between two people, but these details really made me feel uneasy. i really like him, and i'm trying to not feel bothered by this stuff, but i can't help but think about it. he kept asking me what my fetishes were, and really i don't like anything that isn't out of the ordinary. he didn't appear to seem too pleased about this. i mentioned i disfavor rimming, and he was very taken aback by it. thoughts of him with past lovers filled my mind with him doing all of these sexual things with them. it's almost as though that when this stuff, if it happens, does in fact happen with us, that it won't be as special to him as it will be to me. almost like it will be just another "chapter" in his book of relationships. is it normal to feel this about a partner? is this something i should address to him? i kind of don't want him to know that his sexual history bothers me, but i really don't know what to do about it. perhaps it's a trust issue... though i believe our relationship hasn't developed enough to fully trust him 100%. i just haven't known him long enough.

 

[RumperRoom]

Be open, at this point you are just friends with benefits. Stop looking for reasons to sabotage what is just starting. Kinda early on to judge him. Lighten up a bit and enjoy each other. Besides they call them fetishes for a reason. Everybody likes different things.:069:

 

[stuck77]

Hey man! It's very normal to be bothered by your significant others past, but it's something you'll have to learn to get over. Unless you're dating a virgin, people are bound to have past experiences. It doesn't mean his experiences with you will be less meaningful. The fact that you two haven't had sex yet, makes me think that you aren't just the current chapter in his book. Try to remain open minded and clear your mind of those images of the past. I know where you're coming from completely. I can be a very jealous person at times and at times, images of my boyfriend with ex's that I end up meeting come to my head, but you have to just remind your self that it's the past and the past is the past for a reason. Best of luck man!

 

[Jay1074]

Get over it. You're never going to enjoy sex with anyone if you are always going to be so uptight and freaked out over your partners past. If safety is an issue and he isn't willing to accommodate you, chuck him to the curb. Look out for number one. Still, you needn't feel so uncomfortable about sex acts you haven't done. Some of the things that sound gross, like rimming, are actually VERY fun and feel great when you and your partner take precautions and practice good hygeine.

 

[EdWoody]

That puts me off immediately as well - especially the bit about liking bareback. Maybe he's just talking about fantasies and not stuff he's actually done, but still if the idea is there the action may follow.

His past in general wouldn't be a problem for me, but the stuff about bareback is definitely a no-no, and I think I'd leave it later than the first date to start talking about fetishes. That seems rather inappropriate of him. And it also shows him as rather selfish as he expects you to hear about his fetishes but makes you feel bad for not liking what he does.

The issue then becomes what to do about it. Throwing him back out to the streets doesn't solve what I consider to be his problem - I'd be tempted to explain to him exactly what I'm so uncomfortable about before doing so.

 

[danimal32]

I think this is all about communication. Talk to each other. It's so early in the game, if there is something he is doing that is bugging you, tell him, If he doesn't like that, then maybe he is not the guy for you - friend, lover - or somewhere in between.

 

[Pompeynate]

Everyone has a past & the fact he was opening up about his fetishes obviously means he wants to get down & dirty with you... He may think that you have had lots of guys too & be over compensating about his past conquests. As has been said though if you like him you will have to get over it, otherwise you wont have much of a future if you are so jealous of his past...

 

[rbkwp]

Have a feeling your aiming at Perfection in all matters Sexual
Wont work, does not happen that way
Go with the flow, and enjoy.
I think it was decent that the guy 'let you know' what his preferences' were ( You call them fetishes, i dont think so)
All the Best for your future Sex Life, but i do think if your going to be overly fussed re such, it may end up being, just a little boring/frustrating for your partner, and very non fullfilling for yourself.
Sorry to be harsh, but often you just dont bring what could be considered 'PC rubbish' into your Personal life.
enz
btw, did you share any of your fetishes, with him, i have a feeling you dont have any.
mmmmmmmm ...

 

[Mogluver]

You will have to learn to accept the past in peoples lives, it's very simple. It sounds like both of you are working on establishing a relationship based on friendship. Any relationship worth having must have that as a basis. I would look to the positive qualities of the person and build on strengths. It has taken me years to realize that ones first thoughts are to the worse outcome (in anything), get through those mental issues first yourself and then look to what you desire in a relationship and learn to communicate expecting open communication. Life is one series of learning experiences one following the other, look at the adventure and focus on the best. Good luck and let us know how you progress.

 

[yoursgetsmine]

There are two kinds of sex:

1.Emotional which is mental (love) with the physical and 2. Physical which is lust with OR without the love factor.

You can enjoy either immensely and have one without the other and of course both at the same time. Both together is off the hook...but lust is and can be totally satisfying all by itself.

I fall in lust quite easily and I find love takes longer. It's always lust at first sight, then love will come if it's meant to be.

 

[Cybearia]

So...for clarity...He isnt your boyfriend and you havent actually had sex with him?

You have been "together" for a month and you already have a few things you would like to address about your "relationship".

You disapprove of his past and his activities.

You have no idea what you would like to do in bed with him other than some kind of nebulous idea that it would be "sex".

and you feel able to trust him 100% even though you acknowledge that you havent really known him long enough?

Jesus!

 

[Bbucko]

So...for clarity...He isnt your boyfriend and you havent actually had sex with him?

You have been "together" for a month and you already have a few things you would like to address about your "relationship".

You disapprove of his past and his activities.

You have no idea what you would like to do in bed with him other than some kind of nebulous idea that it would be "sex".

and you feel able to trust him 100% even though you acknowledge that you havent really known him long enough?

Jesus!

That's exactly how I felt reading the OP.

Madman441:
To be very frank, I really don't think this guy's your cup of tea. You may get along fine personality-wise, but I just don't think you're sexually compatible. The reason why I say this is because of your obvious revulsion as regards his sexual fantasies which, within the confines of a mutually-exclusive and monogamous relationship don't even qualify as "fetishes": that's how people fuck.

In my early 20s, I wasted four years on a great guy with whom I shared no sexual chemistry whatsoever. We stayed together out of a combination of inertia and a misplaced sense of responsibility for a relationship that never should have progressed beyond an encounter or two.

Whatever you might want from him, sex really isn't a priority or you'd have had some by now. He is not your boyfriend; since you've had no sex, he's not even a friend with benefits. At this point he's an acquaintance: that's it.

 

[B_nyvin]

Wow...you sound like a big chicken and uptight @$$ honestly....so what if he has fetishes? let him jack off to porn about those. It's not like he's going to force you into them, if you don't enjoy it neither will he.

You really sound like someone that would annoy me.

 

[B_jeepguy2]

we've slept together several times with nothing sexual. last night we spend our first night naked in bed together after we went out drinking, but no sexual touching occurred.

You dudes dudes spent the night naked in bed together after drinking and nothing sexual happened. :wtf2:

 

[EmJay]

Maybe you are just better matched with a guy who shares the same conservative sexual history and desires like yourself. There are many out there who are more uptight sexually. You shouldn't have to feel ashamed for that either. And if the 'relationship' or whatever you share is still fresh, maybe you just need to end things before someone gets hurt.

But I do feel that the sexual history of your partner and your feelings towards that might have to do with your own insecurities... If you would leave the thoughts of fear aside...how do you feel when you think of him?

Next to that..If your partner was able to lay next to you naked, and he didnt make any moves towards you..it might just be that he is very patient about your needs and willing to wait untill you are ready. That sure looks loving to me..

And engaging in sex with someone you care about is 10 times better sexually than doing some random stranger. So you wouldnt have to be afraid that you dont measure up.

 

[SeeDickRun]

Madman 411. You're friends. And, it doesn't sound like you're really GOOD friends. Yeah, you might drink together, and wind up in bed naked together, but if there was no sexual tension, even when he was talking about his likes/dislikes (well there was tension...you didn't like what you heard), then move that down a notch. You know each other. He shared with you. You didn't share with him.
I wouldn't spend too much more time if you reacted to his past in such a manner. Go on. Try to find someone who has no past. Good luck with THAT!~

 

[sexplease]

1) You will always like and/or love someone more than they will like or love you.
AND someone will always like and or love you more than you - them.

2) We all have separate lives no matter how closely we experienced life. Think about it - do you have brothers or sisters? Surely your ideas, ideals and perhaps morels differ. It's no different than meeting someone off the street.

3) As long as he's not hurting himself or others, that goes for everyone, variety IS the spice of life. How painful and dull life would be if we all sucked from the same gravy trough, endured the same bleats, choked on indistinguishable odors or voted republican.

4) No one has to live to your self-imposed moral standards but you. period. Because it is not in good form to expect that of others. That's not love or friendship. that's need and want - selfish qualities.

If, IF, you find someone you choose to share yourself with (because you feel loved, appreciated, cherished, respected and perhaps excited by) then that's good for you.

and lastly, monogamy is self chosen. expecting that of others as if they've been groomed all their years by the great miasma of the universe exclusively for your happiness. is also selfish.

Have fun. Play safe. and be open to love in another flavor.

 

[B_subgirrl]

That's exactly how I felt reading the OP.

Madman441:
To be very frank, I really don't think this guy's your cup of tea. You may get along fine personality-wise, but I just don't think you're sexually compatible. The reason why I say this is because of your obvious revulsion as regards his sexual fantasies which, within the confines of a mutually-exclusive and monogamous relationship don't even qualify as "fetishes": that's how people fuck.

In my early 20s, I wasted four years on a great guy with whom I shared no sexual chemistry whatsoever. We stayed together out of a combination of inertia and a misplaced sense of responsibility for a relationship that never should have progressed beyond an encounter or two.

Whatever you might want from him, sex really isn't a priority or you'd have had some by now. He is not your boyfriend; since you've had no sex, he's not even a friend with benefits. At this point he's an acquaintance: that's it.

Seconded.