Bothered by husband's fetishes

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by B_Heather36, Feb 2, 2012.

  1. B_Heather36

    B_Heather36 New Member

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    Hello, I am fairly new here and found this site while researching my husband's fetishes online. I know there are no magic answers, but I guess simply discussing it with other women in serious relationships will be therapeutic.

    We've been married for over 10 years and I love him dearly. He is a good husband and father, is well-educated and successful, and I have no complaints except in the bedroom.

    Everything was fine until the last few years when he has brought up some things that range from uncomfortable to disturbing. On some levels I feel like I'm being prudish, but on others I feel like maybe he has some problems and needs counseling.

    The first issue to surface was an infatuation with penis size. His size is perfect to me, and is similar to the small number of men I dated before him. It seems perfectly normal to me. He doesn't feel that way and began asking me all of these detailed questions about my former lovers' penises. Also, lots of questions about do I wish he was bigger or do I fantasize about other men. I don't.

    He has been looking at alot of porn. He doesn't know that I know how much he looks at, but when I suspected he was doing it too much, I secretly began monitoring his internet usage. He not only is looking at porn 8-10 hours a week, some of the stuff is disturbing. There is "cuckolding", which I had not ever even heard of until I saw what he was looking at. He also has been looking at transexuals and bisexual porn. Almost everything is somehow tied to at least one participant having a large penis.

    Perhaps the most disturbing thing is that one of the only types of porn that he has been viewing that doesn't involve large penises is of women defecating. I found saved files of this, too.

    I want to confront him, but I'm scared about how he'll respond, or what the truth might be. I've noticed when we have sex lately it seems he is thinking about something else, as though I'm not even there and he is in some fantasy world. When he brings up penis size questions when we begin to have sex, I push back and let him know I don't want to go down that road, but it seems he wants that discussion almost every time we have sex. Also, I think he is looking at porn on his phone to get aroused right before he approaches me for sex, as though I'm not arousing to him and he needs something else. I'm still reasonably young and fit and it hurts to think that he is no longer attracted to me. I don't know if the porn is why he is no longer attracted to me, or if because he is no longer attracted to me he turned to porn.

    Sorry for the long post, but I'm upset. Reading this site, and seeing what goes on in the chatroom, I think I feel worse, as the reality of my husband's fetishes is starting to hit home and I don't know if I can deal with it. I feel like it is getting worse all of the time.

    Any guidance in managing this is appreciated.
     
  2. coveryerteeth

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    Wow. Okay, lots of stuff to cover and I couldn't sleep at all, tonight. I'm kinda bleary, so forgive me if any of this reads as blunt. I'm going to try to balance helpfulness with brevity, here.

    Firstly, nothing you described strikes me as indicative of someone who is unbalanced or in need of counseling.

    Second, men and women are very different creatures where sexuality is concerned. I don't mean this as a criticism, but women often try to ascribe meaning to male behavior where there simply is none. Like your husband, I've watched porn that has all kinds of twisted stuff in it. That doesn't mean I have any interest at all in trying any of that stuff in my actual sex life. Hell, I've got loads of bisexual porn in my stash, but I haven't been with a woman in years and I have no desire to go looking for one, now. The fact that I am able to get off to bisexual porn means only that - I am able to get off to bisexual porn. It doesn't mean I harbor secret fantasies or am actively trying to ignore some itch that I have a desperate yearning to scratch.

    This one may sound harsh, but I couldn't think of a more diplomatic way to phrase it. My apologies, in advance. Thing is, you would benefit greatly, I think, from the realization that your husband's porn viewing habits are not about you. Also, is it really your place to decide for him how much is too much porn? Jumping to the conclusion that he's no longer attracted to you based on the fact that he looks at porn is huge stretch. Women who feel like their loves are cheating on them when they look at porn, or feel that it is somehow a negative commentary on their relationship when the guy seeks sexual satisfaction through masturbation as a solitary act grossly underestimate the male libido. No one person, no matter how fabulous and sexually desirable could ever completely satisfy all of a man's sexual urges, single-handedly 100% of the time (nor would anyone care to, if they truly understood was a tremendous undertaking that would be). If he's given you no reason to believe he's cheating (which porn-watching is not, I would argue), then I would suggest you try to set your mind at ease and be glad that he's exploring his sexuality within the confines of your committed relationship and without trying to drag you along with him into fetishland.

    Last, the bit about his obsession with penis size sounds like simple insecurity, to me. Are you two verbal at all when you make love? It seems to me that an easy answer for this would be to tell him encouraging and reassuring things about his size during those steamy moments. Can you see how that would go further toward quelling his insecurities than a matter-of-fact, "Yes, honey. I think you have a lovely penis," that he coaxes out of you during one of those discussions that make you uncomfortable?

    And it's a two-way street, you know. You're perfectly entitled to mention to him that you wonder if he still finds you desirable and that lately you've been afraid that he'd rather get off to porn than with you. If you can tend to his insecurities, then he can most certainly return the favor. Although, you may have to smack him on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper to get his attention, first. We men can be quite oblivious. Subtlety is completely lost on most of us and we often need things spelled out in the plainest possible manner.

    Damn. I tried to keep it short, but failed miserably! I hope you find comfort, at least, if not solutions in some of what I said. You're not the first woman to wrestle with the fear of becoming a Porn Widow, I assure you.
     
  3. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    Darling, I think you will need to confront him at some point. I don't think it's necessarily a disastrous road that he's on, but i think he needs to know you're uncomfortable with it.

    Yes, you may have to have a third party involved to mediate and to explain to each other why each of you feel a certain way.

    I think every male has questions about his penis size. My used to husband actually apologize for his bounty. I've come to realize why, but I'm not in love with his size - just him. I guess it's hard for men to come to that conclusion.

    I hope you do find help because it sounds like you truly love him. He just needs to realize that.
     
  4. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Excellent post, coveryerteeth. You should do it more often.
     
  5. D_Jacqueline_Boozann

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    Confront now; don't wait -- it'll only get worse. Why not consider counseling, if he won't go; do it alone: let him know you went, you are aware of his fetishes, and give him an ultimatum.

    Do not do anything against your will, never. Make every sexual experience an enjoyable one because you want to do it.
     
  6. nicenycdick

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    I find it interesting that you have listed your orientation as 50/50. It appears that you are at least open to non-traditional sexual encounters. Is it so diffficult to accept your husband's interests in light of your own apparent desires? Maybe a better way to look at it is to understand that your attraction to other woman does not mean that you have any less of a desire for your husband, so why should his fetish interest make you think he no longer desires you?
     
    #6 nicenycdick, Feb 2, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2012
  7. bobg4400

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    This thread should have been locked after coveryerteeth's post.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    In fact, OP, the fact that he is open about his fetishes with you shows that he values your sexual relationship and would rather have you included, rather than go elsewhere just to satisfy a kink. Everybody has kinks, which they are free to indulge to the extent that they don't break up a relationship or cause a partner discomfort. You found some of them out, because he is being open and honest.

    I suggest buying him a great big phallus toy, possibly one you could see yourself using with him/on him. Or if you really would rather not, you'd know he would be having fun with it by himself and not cheating.

    And the bit about masturbation being a valid part of one's life even when you have a partner is very true also. People all have different levels of sexual appetite, and the best way to even things out is for there to be wanking. It's even very nice to watch, now and then. Or not, as you prefer.
     
    #8 helgaleena, Feb 2, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2012
  9. Q Vee

    Q Vee New Member

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    I concur with the above. I feel that communication is the #1 key factor in every relationship. There is a BIG (no pun intended) issue that you two are not talking with each other about. Secrets are being maintained. What bothers you more, the interests are hidden or the interests themselves? It is one thing when there is an agreement on what is private in a relationship, and another when information is being withheld. How will he feel when you tell him you have been checking up on his activities?

    Sex and finance round out the the top three keys in healthy/unhealthy relationships. You've indicated 2 out of three.

    Counseling sounds like the way to go here. An impartial third party could help deflect the anger, awkwardness, embarrassment and fear. Perhaps a sexual therapist might be the best choice. Maybe you could research that and see if it sounds right for you - together or separately, if need be.

    Best of luck with whatever you choose.
     
  10. Fade

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    Firstly, Savage Love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    Secondly, I agree with the whole "Just because I've watched porn of it doesn't mean I wanna do it" to some degree.

    Thirdly, if his porn habits and his discussions with you about penis size are so concerning... those really are not the most out there kinks he could have. As a super kinky person, I recommend talking with him about it. But, you're already in a weak spot because you've basically been (in my eyes) prying. "I secretly began monitoring his internet usage" He's your partner, he isn't some young'n whose wrist you can smack and say "You're being bad!". He's an adult. Treat him like one.
     
  11. latinluva

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    ^ I second that!

    I can't help but to wonder what he would think of you being on LPSG and asking these questions. I mean you really wanna fuck with his head, let him find out you're on this website asking questions.

    Second, why is it a big deal that he MIGHT be interested in both sexes? You listed yours as 50% 50%....is that not okay for him?

    Counseling is only appropriate if he is missing work, not paying the bills or is cheating on you. Aside from that, you are lucky to have a man that is willing to explore the boundaries of his sexuality with you. As long as you both agree. Sexuality is not something everyone wishes to explore, and for some it is. Keep it safe and agree together. You're either on board or your're not.
     
  12. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    ^^^This.
     
  13. Fade

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    Also, yes, while I agree they need to discuss things... counseling? That seems a bit drastic. Ultimatums? Not typically a good thing.
     
  14. petite

    petite New Member

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    I thought she meant counseling for their relationship, which I think is a wonderful idea, not that he needs counseling because there is something wrong with him. Relationship counseling can most definitely strengthen a marriage if there are issues like these. It sounds like both of you need to work on your communication skills and a counselor can help you learn how to do that so that you're brought much closer together.

    If he is having problems getting aroused without porn, then he might have a porn addiction.

    Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem
     
    #14 petite, Feb 2, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2012
  15. imgr8

    imgr8 New Member

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    Yeah I agree with coveryerteeth, but want to add that really you're the one that's a fuckup here for secretly monitoring his internet usage. That is fucking ridiculous. Way to have some semblance of trust in a relationship.
     
  16. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    Trust cuts both ways.
    I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour but he hasn't been exactly honest himself.
     
  17. tamati

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    I have to wonder how would OP feel if she found out her husband was reading her diary?
     
  18. vibrationzzz

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    Sounds or reads rather more fantasy than fetish to me. It also sounds like he is exploring his own sexuality, discovering likes and dislikes. Not everything he is looking at will be to his liking, but a mere curiosity before deciding whether to look into it further.

    If you have found what he has been perving at on the pc, he wants you to find it. You can either explore with him, discover together each others likes/dislikes, or you will drift apart and the relationship becomes one of living together but separate from eachother.

    By finding this stuff you are asking yourself questions, it also gives you the opportunity to open discussion with him. There are much worse things to look at on the internet :)
     
  19. OlderGuy

    OlderGuy New Member

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    This is one of the best posts I've seen on this site, on any topic. Deep, thoughtful, on point. Wow. Great job. Keep it up.
     
  20. B_Heather36

    B_Heather36 New Member

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    Perhaps I'm unique on this forum, but anonymity is very important to me. My real name is not Heather, and I'm not attracted to women.

    Sorry for the confusion this causes, but I'm pretty guarded online, especially when dealing with something this personal.
     
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