Bothered by husband's fetishes

B_Heather36

Just Browsing
Joined
Nov 18, 2011
Posts
5
Media
0
Likes
0
Points
36
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Female
The range of responses here have been helpful. Thanks everyone.

If I may make a few points in my defense, as some have indicated that I might be unrealistic in my expectations.

Relationships are indeed built on trust. However, setting up the monitoring software was triggered by secretive behavior by my husband and misrepresentation of what he was doing and when he was doing it. That is very different than simply investigating without cause.

I assure you that he checks our credit card statement closely because of a spending spree that I went on during a girls weekend with friends from college. The drinks were flowing, I was with great friends, some of which I hadn't seen in years, and the spending got out of hand. He had not previously monitored my spending closely but he felt that since I stepped outside of a boundary that was acceptable to him, he has the right to monitor me going forward (and he does).

I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to masturbate. I am saying that it shouldn't replace his relationship with me. He has claimed to be "working" at night in the study when I am in bed and ready to make love. To claim he is working when the entire time he is looking at women defecating, or black men belittling white men and having sex with their wives, is dishonest. I don't think asking me to idly accept his lies as simply part of male sexuality is reasonable. I don't lie to him, and when I was called out for spending money behind his back I told the truth.
I love to spend money as much as he likes sex, but because I have the desire doesn't give me the right to sneak around and do it, or to allow it to become an addiction.

Eating, shopping, drug and alcohol use, etc., are compulsions for some people. For some, it is sex. I think if a spouse becomes overweight and is secretly binge eating, or becomes an alcoholic and is secretly drinking, or whatever, the other spouse has a right to "spy". Again, I sure don't feel "spied on" because my husband monitors my purchases because I "cheated" financially by stepping outside of very clear rules we have in place.

Sorry if I sound defensive. A few more points, if I may. It is likely that many people here are far more sexually liberated than me. So, my thoughts are skewed relative to the forum concensus. Another point is that it was my understanding that porn involving feces was illegal,which is a whole differen issue. Perhaps I'm wrong on that. At a minimum, it is incomprehensible to me how it could sexually arousing, and that it is preferable to a fit, loving woman waiting for him in the bedroom.

Thanks again for all of the thoughtful responses and you've given much valuable information to consider.
 

Drifterwood

Superior Member
Joined
Jun 14, 2007
Posts
18,677
Media
0
Likes
2,811
Points
333
Location
Greece
Another point is that it was my understanding that porn involving feces was illegal,which is a whole differen issue. Perhaps I'm wrong on that. At a minimum, it is incomprehensible to me how it could sexually arousing, and that it is preferable to a fit, loving woman waiting for him in the bedroom.

Shit happens.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Honestly - I think your huband is a bit bored with your sex life. There is nothing wrong with being standard vanilla, but clearly your husband's mind is drifting off onto other possibilities. Of course this might just be in his mind and actually doing something about it might not be his intention.

Do you have any fantasies or little kinks that interest you?

Edit - I see that you have logged off, but there is a big difference over time in being available for sex and communicating a desire to want to have sex. There must be a million books out there about keeping the passion alive in LTRs. I am afraid that I have never read one, so I can't make a personal recommendation.
 
Last edited:

B_Heather36

Just Browsing
Joined
Nov 18, 2011
Posts
5
Media
0
Likes
0
Points
36
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Female
Wow. Okay, lots of stuff to cover and I couldn't sleep at all, tonight. I'm kinda bleary, so forgive me if any of this reads as blunt. I'm going to try to balance helpfulness with brevity, here.

Firstly, nothing you described strikes me as indicative of someone who is unbalanced or in need of counseling.

Second, men and women are very different creatures where sexuality is concerned. I don't mean this as a criticism, but women often try to ascribe meaning to male behavior where there simply is none. Like your husband, I've watched porn that has all kinds of twisted stuff in it. That doesn't mean I have any interest at all in trying any of that stuff in my actual sex life. Hell, I've got loads of bisexual porn in my stash, but I haven't been with a woman in years and I have no desire to go looking for one, now. The fact that I am able to get off to bisexual porn means only that - I am able to get off to bisexual porn. It doesn't mean I harbor secret fantasies or am actively trying to ignore some itch that I have a desperate yearning to scratch.

This one may sound harsh, but I couldn't think of a more diplomatic way to phrase it. My apologies, in advance. Thing is, you would benefit greatly, I think, from the realization that your husband's porn viewing habits are not about you. Also, is it really your place to decide for him how much is too much porn? Jumping to the conclusion that he's no longer attracted to you based on the fact that he looks at porn is huge stretch. Women who feel like their loves are cheating on them when they look at porn, or feel that it is somehow a negative commentary on their relationship when the guy seeks sexual satisfaction through masturbation as a solitary act grossly underestimate the male libido. No one person, no matter how fabulous and sexually desirable could ever completely satisfy all of a man's sexual urges, single-handedly 100% of the time (nor would anyone care to, if they truly understood was a tremendous undertaking that would be). If he's given you no reason to believe he's cheating (which porn-watching is not, I would argue), then I would suggest you try to set your mind at ease and be glad that he's exploring his sexuality within the confines of your committed relationship and without trying to drag you along with him into fetishland.

Last, the bit about his obsession with penis size sounds like simple insecurity, to me. Are you two verbal at all when you make love? It seems to me that an easy answer for this would be to tell him encouraging and reassuring things about his size during those steamy moments. Can you see how that would go further toward quelling his insecurities than a matter-of-fact, "Yes, honey. I think you have a lovely penis," that he coaxes out of you during one of those discussions that make you uncomfortable?

And it's a two-way street, you know. You're perfectly entitled to mention to him that you wonder if he still finds you desirable and that lately you've been afraid that he'd rather get off to porn than with you. If you can tend to his insecurities, then he can most certainly return the favor. Although, you may have to smack him on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper to get his attention, first. We men can be quite oblivious. Subtlety is completely lost on most of us and we often need things spelled out in the plainest possible manner.

Damn. I tried to keep it short, but failed miserably! I hope you find comfort, at least, if not solutions in some of what I said. You're not the first woman to wrestle with the fear of becoming a Porn Widow, I assure you.

This is a particularly thoughtful post, so I thought I would respond. It is your view that masturbating to porn frequently is not cheating. It is my view that cheating is what is done outside of the boundaries upon which the spouses have agreed.

If a couple agrees to "swing", then it isn't cheating because it isn't a violation of their contract. If a wealthy husband has a mistress known to the wife, which I have learned through my professional experience is more common than one would think, then it isn't cheating because the wife has stated she would rather approve the mistress relationshiop than divorce.

My husband specifically agreed to a monogamous relationship, and he stated when were dating that he was not into porn. We also discussed likes and dislikes in detail when dating.

I think it is completely wrong to tell someone "this is how I am" and then be leading a double life. If he is gay, or prefers masturbating to poop than being with a real woman, then it would have been nice to know before I married him. Don't get me wrong, I love him. If he said, "hey, I'm going to masturbate to poop for hours every week, even when you're available to me", I don't know how I would have responded. Perhaps I wouldn't have married him.

In case you're wondering, I hid none of my sexual desires or fetishes from him prior to marriage. I understand that men have a strong libido, but having a strong libido and being honest with your spouse are not mutually exclusive. I love to shop. If I'm shopping online and depriving him of financial resources while I claim to him that I'm "working", is that just a female thing that should be overlooked? Sure, I desire it, but it doesn't give me the right to do it and lie because I'm embarrassed or ashamed, in my opinion.

Thank you again for your thoughtful post. I am going to seek a counselor and ask how to approach my husband about my concerns.
 

tamati

Sexy Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Posts
1,875
Media
7
Likes
94
Points
308
Location
NorCal
Verification
View
Gender
Male
I wonder what heather's husband would think about his wife joining LPSG...?

Im sure she was honest and told him about her new internet persona on a site devoted to big dicks, right?
 

B_Heather36

Just Browsing
Joined
Nov 18, 2011
Posts
5
Media
0
Likes
0
Points
36
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Female
I wonder what heather's husband would think about his wife joining LPSG...?

Im sure she was honest and told him about her new internet persona on a site devoted to big dicks, right?

You seem emotionally invested in this and I'm not sure why. I thought there were some reasonable, intelligent women here that might offer something of value. I really think you're missing my purpose. I'm here because I thought some of the women could offer insight in the "women's issues" section of this forum.

If my husband reads my words here, they are my true feelings. I don't think when I bring this to his attention I need to lie about the fact that I sought counsel in the matter. So, yes, I will disclose I went to a sexually oriented site and sought input without disclosing his or my identity. It doesn't need to be some awful secret, so yes, you are right regarding disclosure.

If the roles were reversed, and my husband went to a site called "Large Breast Support Group" to the "Men's Issues" section where he asked about me lying to him about porn, I would not be offended and in fact would be pleased that he loved me enough to try to seek counsel and work through the problem. I want to improve my relationship, not end it. I'm not judging his fetishes, I'm upset about his preoccupation with his fetishes to the point where he is lying and allowing it to affect our intimacy.
 

ManlyBanisters

Sexy Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2007
Posts
12,253
Media
0
Likes
58
Points
183
But is she posting about big dicks? Answering personals? Perusing the adult sites section? All I see her doing here is looking to get some advice from people who may have more of a handle on this than she does. I don't think that is particularly wrong of her. Where else can she ask candidly about stuff like this? Only other sites on the same vein as this one. Cut her some slack.

I don't agree with the monitoring situation - and looking at credit card bills after the fact i not the same as installing spy software. At all. That's me though - I wouldn't do it to my man and I would go ballistic if I found anyone doing it to me.
 

D_JohnUpHerPipe

1st Like
Joined
Jul 30, 2007
Posts
148
Media
0
Likes
1
Points
161
I would highly recommend Coveryerteeth's response over any other I have read. And, in the most respectful manner possible, advise you to ignore any advice from women, it is a man you are having issues with, therefore you need advice from others with a similar psyche i.e. a male, to help you come to a solution.

And just to help you out a little myself. I will tell you that generally, I will masturbate at lease once a day, and also have sex as many times in a day as possible. Most of the time I stay hard after cumming and want to go again right away, especially if I am with somebody. We men just like our sex so much so that when a man/woman is not available we use our hands.

But as said before, I would highly recommend taking Coveryerteeth's advice.
 

sdboy30

Just Browsing
Joined
Mar 16, 2008
Posts
6
Media
4
Likes
0
Points
86
Location
Bonita, CA
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
My husband specifically agreed to a monogamous relationship, and he stated when were dating that he was not into porn. We also discussed likes and dislikes in detail when dating.

I think it is completely wrong to tell someone "this is how I am" and then be leading a double life. If he is gay, or prefers masturbating to poop than being with a real woman, then it would have been nice to know before I married him. Don't get me wrong, I love him. If he said, "hey, I'm going to masturbate to poop for hours every week, even when you're available to me", I don't know how I would have responded. Perhaps I wouldn't have married him.
QUOTE]

Your husband sounds a lot like myself. I have very similar fetishes minus the defecating women. I too went thru a phase where I was secretly looking at this kind of porn.
After a while though, I came out of my shell and gently hinted to my wife the things that arouse me. When the mood is right she sometimes teases me about my penis size now or plays to some of my other fetishes, as far as she is comfortable. I have encouraged her to do the same. And while she admitted that she does not understand how some of the stuff arouses me, she accepts it, because she loves me, as I would do the same for her.
What you seem to forget is that people and relationships evolve. Please forgive me, but you sound a little like a relationship-nazi to me.
The boundaries were set at the beginning and no one is to cross them. Sex has to be a certain way and everything else is weird and gross.

My wife also comes from a more prudish background and she also has problems exploring her sexuality beyond the norm or beyond what would be acceptable in Sunday church. Yet she is trying.
I did not force her to try anything, but we frequently have talks about these issues and from reading on the Internet she also found out that the majority of people masturbate or deviate from the sexual path of our parents.
Your husband is most likely keeping his habits from you, because he is embarrassed and he knows how you would react if you found out. And looking at your responses I think he is right.

As with almost all things in life, problems are rarely the fault of one person. It usually takes two. Yes, your husband should not be hiding these things from you. Then again, your statement that you might not have married him under these circumstances indicates to me that you truly do not understand men. I have yet to meet one who does not masturbate or has fantasies. You would be a very lonely lady if you are expecting perfection the way you define it.
If you do not see yourself ever opening up to his fantasies just a little, then you might need counseling. However, personally I think this is a very egotisitical behaviour, because basically you are saying if sex is not the way you expect it then it is not ok. If you truly love your husband you would at least try to entertain some of his desires. After all, there is more to a person and a partner than just sexuality. His sexuality is only a small part of the person that you married, albeit an important part.

The tricky thing is to lure him out of his shell, because he seems to have a pretty good idea that you do not approve of what he is doing.

Apart from that, installing spy software is wrong and not comparable with reading credit card statements. As mentioned earlier, it is at least as bad as reading someone's diary if not worse. If I had ever found out my wife did that, it would have seriously impaired my trust in her going forward.

I apologize if I offended you somewhere or jumped to conclusions, but your situation just seemed very similar ours.
 
Last edited:

coveryerteeth

Legendary Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Oct 9, 2006
Posts
185
Media
16
Likes
1,110
Points
598
Location
USA
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to masturbate. I am saying that it shouldn't replace his relationship with me. He has claimed to be "working" at night in the study when I am in bed and ready to make love.

This is perfectly sensible. Speaking for myself, chiefly, but I'm sure the others who responded to you would agree, I hope I didn't give you the impression that I think this problem is all in your head. You clearly feel threatened by an unexpected development in your relationship and that is an entirely valid concern.

Admittedly, I would certainly be bothered if my significant other chose to indulge his own fantasies rather than make love with me. The ultimate goal here is to find some common ground, tho. Isn't it? I'm just afraid that your discomfort with his newly revealed fantasies is causing you to hold out hope for a resolution that involves you sitting your hubby down and saying, "No more poop for you!" It's been my experience that when outside influences try to wrest a part of a person's sexuality away from them, entirely, it almost always blows up in their face.

I don't know if this sounds reasonable to you, but I think the answer to your problem would be to have that discussion with your husband and promise not to be judgmental of his fetishes, provided he doesn't let them take him away from you.

If you're in the mood and waiting for him in bed while he's in the den jerking it to poop porn, then his needs are being met while yours are being neglected and that isn't cool. Conversely, an ultimatum where he has to give up everything that makes you uncomfortable or you walk ends either in divorce (most likely) or your needs being met while his go neglected. I don't think you want that to happen, either.
 
Last edited:
1

185248

Guest
After reading much of the feedback to your thread. If you have not decided on an action, you probably never will.

The risk is if you say something, you are worried about the consequences, but it will be out in the open and more chance of the truth.

Say nothing, you become more paranoid and distrustful.

Which is the lesser of the two evils? Pretty simple to work out.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
6

693987

Guest
Firstly, obviously take all my advice with a grain of salt. Just like anyone else's. If I offend you, that truly isn't my intent, and I apologize. This is my outsider's perspective, based off of what I've read in this thread.

I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to masturbate. I am saying that it shouldn't replace his relationship with me. He has claimed to be "working" at night in the study when I am in bed and ready to make love. To claim he is working when the entire time he is looking at women defecating, or black men belittling white men and having sex with their wives, is dishonest. I don't think asking me to idly accept his lies as simply part of male sexuality is reasonable.

Does he KNOW you're "in the bed and ready to make love"? Or do you just think he should be a mind-reader and magically know? I DO think people should be honest about each other with their kinks, fetishes, curiousity, etc. I'm not excusing that he isn't communicating with you about it. I DO still think it's scuzzy that you're spying on him.

You can't say "asking me to idly accept his lies as a simply part of male sexuality is reasonable" when you haven't discussed it with him. If you ask him to his face "Honey, is there anything you're curious about sexually that you want to talk about? Am I fulfilling all your needs and desires? Let me know, I'm open to talk about things" and he flat out lies, then yes, you can call him a liar. It doesn't appear from your posts that you would've told him about your financial indiscretions if he hadn't discovered it. So don't blame him until you've actually talked to him.

TL;DR You and your significant other both need to talk and watch your accusations.
 

B_subgirrl

Sexy Member
Joined
May 15, 2010
Posts
5,547
Media
0
Likes
33
Points
73
Location
NSW, Australia
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Female
sdboy30's post was brilliant. It said everything I wanted to but didn't have time to type.

(Except for the 'you truly do not understand men. I have yet to meet one who does not masturbate or has fantasies.' bit. I would have been more likely to say 'few men or women do not masturbate or have fantasies').

Well said sdboy30.
 
1

185248

Guest
Heather is intrigued by what her husband is looking at, otherwise why post here, it's a good sign.

Be careful though, he might discover you have been visiting here the same way you discovered he was, unless....the truth and trust thing is not resolved. Might be a good way to bring things into the open?
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Drifterwood

Superior Member
Joined
Jun 14, 2007
Posts
18,677
Media
0
Likes
2,811
Points
333
Location
Greece
Heather is intrigued by what her husband is looking at, otherwise why post here, it's a good sign.

Heather, are you here because your husband visits this site?

Did you start tracking his internet usage after he discovered you spending money that you didn't have? Is it true that you have only overspent the once, or is this a bit more of an issue than you are letting on?

I hope you are not intending to out him if he is a member, because frankly that would be despicable.

In the last ten years since you got married, the internet has made almost everything easily and freely available. At the same time, your husband's sexual wishes may have changed, with no intended slur on your personal desirability. I agree that the dick size thing has just got so way out of hand and is causing insecurities and presumptions on men's minds about their partner's desires that are just dumb.

However, I think you should drop the spying, stop the judging, stop thinking it's all about you and ask the women here how you handle a husband/partner who has developed big dick envy and wants things that you don't want and are probably wrong for your relationship anyway.

I have a hunch that Helga could give you some more good advice.

Good luck.
 

Guy-jin

Legendary Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2007
Posts
3,836
Media
3
Likes
1,367
Points
333
Location
San Jose (California, United States)
Sexuality
Asexual
Gender
Male
There are so many worse things he could be doing. I think, as others have said, you need to openly talk with him about it if it bothers you. Sneaking around on both your parts will only lead, I think, to worse consequences. If he thinks he needs to hide things from you, what stops him from thinking he could go farther? And why does he need to hide from you?

Also, tangentially related, but why the anti-porn stance? Do you think a man watching porn is "cheating"? If so, could you somehow become a part of it? If you couldn't, I think you may be treating him unfairly. That would be why he feels he has to hide it from you.

Also, I've watched some terrible things on the Internet. Doesn't mean they get me off. Most of the time, it would be more out of pure spectacle, not because I even like it. Kind of like watching a gory horror film. Food for thought.
 

helgaleena

Sexy Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2006
Posts
5,475
Media
7
Likes
43
Points
193
Location
Wisconsin USA
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Female
Who died and made you profile police?
Elvis. :tongue:

She just got some confusion from people who couldn't understand why she wasn't more openminded sexually when her profile said that. I was just trying to be helpful. Cuz when my profile says 50/50, it MEANs 50/50.

And as Drifter's comments intimate, this marriage is suffering from miscommunications.