The range of responses here have been helpful. Thanks everyone.
If I may make a few points in my defense, as some have indicated that I might be unrealistic in my expectations.
Relationships are indeed built on trust. However, setting up the monitoring software was triggered by secretive behavior by my husband and misrepresentation of what he was doing and when he was doing it. That is very different than simply investigating without cause.
I assure you that he checks our credit card statement closely because of a spending spree that I went on during a girls weekend with friends from college. The drinks were flowing, I was with great friends, some of which I hadn't seen in years, and the spending got out of hand. He had not previously monitored my spending closely but he felt that since I stepped outside of a boundary that was acceptable to him, he has the right to monitor me going forward (and he does).
I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to masturbate. I am saying that it shouldn't replace his relationship with me. He has claimed to be "working" at night in the study when I am in bed and ready to make love. To claim he is working when the entire time he is looking at women defecating, or black men belittling white men and having sex with their wives, is dishonest. I don't think asking me to idly accept his lies as simply part of male sexuality is reasonable. I don't lie to him, and when I was called out for spending money behind his back I told the truth.
I love to spend money as much as he likes sex, but because I have the desire doesn't give me the right to sneak around and do it, or to allow it to become an addiction.
Eating, shopping, drug and alcohol use, etc., are compulsions for some people. For some, it is sex. I think if a spouse becomes overweight and is secretly binge eating, or becomes an alcoholic and is secretly drinking, or whatever, the other spouse has a right to "spy". Again, I sure don't feel "spied on" because my husband monitors my purchases because I "cheated" financially by stepping outside of very clear rules we have in place.
Sorry if I sound defensive. A few more points, if I may. It is likely that many people here are far more sexually liberated than me. So, my thoughts are skewed relative to the forum concensus. Another point is that it was my understanding that porn involving feces was illegal,which is a whole differen issue. Perhaps I'm wrong on that. At a minimum, it is incomprehensible to me how it could sexually arousing, and that it is preferable to a fit, loving woman waiting for him in the bedroom.
Thanks again for all of the thoughtful responses and you've given much valuable information to consider.
If I may make a few points in my defense, as some have indicated that I might be unrealistic in my expectations.
Relationships are indeed built on trust. However, setting up the monitoring software was triggered by secretive behavior by my husband and misrepresentation of what he was doing and when he was doing it. That is very different than simply investigating without cause.
I assure you that he checks our credit card statement closely because of a spending spree that I went on during a girls weekend with friends from college. The drinks were flowing, I was with great friends, some of which I hadn't seen in years, and the spending got out of hand. He had not previously monitored my spending closely but he felt that since I stepped outside of a boundary that was acceptable to him, he has the right to monitor me going forward (and he does).
I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to masturbate. I am saying that it shouldn't replace his relationship with me. He has claimed to be "working" at night in the study when I am in bed and ready to make love. To claim he is working when the entire time he is looking at women defecating, or black men belittling white men and having sex with their wives, is dishonest. I don't think asking me to idly accept his lies as simply part of male sexuality is reasonable. I don't lie to him, and when I was called out for spending money behind his back I told the truth.
I love to spend money as much as he likes sex, but because I have the desire doesn't give me the right to sneak around and do it, or to allow it to become an addiction.
Eating, shopping, drug and alcohol use, etc., are compulsions for some people. For some, it is sex. I think if a spouse becomes overweight and is secretly binge eating, or becomes an alcoholic and is secretly drinking, or whatever, the other spouse has a right to "spy". Again, I sure don't feel "spied on" because my husband monitors my purchases because I "cheated" financially by stepping outside of very clear rules we have in place.
Sorry if I sound defensive. A few more points, if I may. It is likely that many people here are far more sexually liberated than me. So, my thoughts are skewed relative to the forum concensus. Another point is that it was my understanding that porn involving feces was illegal,which is a whole differen issue. Perhaps I'm wrong on that. At a minimum, it is incomprehensible to me how it could sexually arousing, and that it is preferable to a fit, loving woman waiting for him in the bedroom.
Thanks again for all of the thoughtful responses and you've given much valuable information to consider.