Bottoming without being submissive

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1050059

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Posted this in the ask a bi man section as well.

So I opened up to my girlfriend recently about enjoying a few dicks in the past. She is extremely bisexual and has had many many threesomes and all that stuff, so she understands the whole hyper-sexual nature of my personality.

She was not upset or thought anything negative of it, especially because I had not disclosed this information to anyone before. She even immediately asked if I wanted to start having threesomes with guys. She's great.

Anyways, the one thing that she had an issue with was thinking of me as bottoming and being submissive. I have a very alpha and dominant personality in and out of the bedroom, which she is extremely attracted to. So, thinking of me in a submissive and beta situation was a huge turn off for her. I had to explained to her that my personality and alpha type of personality did not and has not changed WHATsoever.

I just started thinking about it a lot. Why the fuck can't a normal guy enjoy sex with another guy without being viewed as being submissive or beta. Why? Who ruined this for everyone? It seriously makes me hate the gay community because they have permanently established the image that if you like sex with guys, you are a feminine bitch who wants to be treated as such. Look at every singal gay pride event, walk into a gay bar, hell even have a conversation with 8/10 of them. Lisp, skinny/weak, zero masculinity whatsoever, etc etc.
When you take away every social stigma and meet with a guy who has a compeltely normal (i.e. non flamboyant bitch personality)(which is what I did), it's two people having fun.

I really hate how sex with guys is viewed, I really do. I wish the image wasn't so fucking submissive and lame. Guys like myself should be able to have sex or engage in sexual acts with one another without the beta stigma. Regardless of whether you engage in or support guys banging other guys, the mental image should not be so fucked up as it is.
 

windibundu

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Posted this in the ask a bi man section as well.

So I opened up to my girlfriend recently about enjoying a few dicks in the past. She is extremely bisexual and has had many many threesomes and all that stuff, so she understands the whole hyper-sexual nature of my personality.

She was not upset or thought anything negative of it, especially because I had not disclosed this information to anyone before. She even immediately asked if I wanted to start having threesomes with guys. She's great.

Anyways, the one thing that she had an issue with was thinking of me as bottoming and being submissive. I have a very alpha and dominant personality in and out of the bedroom, which she is extremely attracted to. So, thinking of me in a submissive and beta situation was a huge turn off for her. I had to explained to her that my personality and alpha type of personality did not and has not changed WHATsoever.

I just started thinking about it a lot. Why the fuck can't a normal guy enjoy sex with another guy without being viewed as being submissive or beta. Why? Who ruined this for everyone? It seriously makes me hate the gay community because they have permanently established the image that if you like sex with guys, you are a feminine bitch who wants to be treated as such. Look at every singal gay pride event, walk into a gay bar, hell even have a conversation with 8/10 of them. Lisp, skinny/weak, zero masculinity whatsoever, etc etc.
When you take away every social stigma and meet with a guy who has a compeltely normal (i.e. non flamboyant bitch personality)(which is what I did), it's two people having fun.

I really hate how sex with guys is viewed, I really do. I wish the image wasn't so fucking submissive and lame. Guys like myself should be able to have sex or engage in sexual acts with one another without the beta stigma. Regardless of whether you engage in or support guys banging other guys, the mental image should not be so fucked up as it is.

How about you just, 'you do you' and just let everyone else worry about themselves? If I had to guess I would say your problem has more to do with your own insecurities (or your gf's) then anyone else's behavior. Instead of attacking your percieved sterotypes of the gay community why don't you start by explaing to her that youre a macho dude that happens to like his prostate? No big deal.
 

BillM

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Stud, Let Me see if I get correct you want to bottom however you do not want to look like a flamboyant bitchy gay man with a lisp?? So just be like so many hot alpha type men do and be a hot guy that loves to get fucked!!
 
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How about you just, 'you do you' and just let everyone else worry about themselves? If I had to guess I would say your problem has more to do with your own insecurities (or your gf's) then anyone else's behavior. Instead of attacking your percieved sterotypes of the gay community why don't you start by explaing to her that youre a macho dude that happens to like his prostate? No big deal.

Wrong. I am not insecure, otherwise I wouldn't do many things that I do, freely, and enjoy it. She is not insecure by any means. My point is that I can't even simply tell somebody that I like that stuff without the immediate assumption of my personality changing to a submissive one. There is a reason for the public opinion and I'm stating my opinion as to why that is.
 
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Stud, Let Me see if I get correct you want to bottom however you do not want to look like a flamboyant bitchy gay man with a lisp?? So just be like so many hot alpha type men do and be a hot guy that loves to get fucked!!

That's what I do; however, that's not the point. See my reply above.
 
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windibundu

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I dont want to get in a argument with you about whats inside YOUR head- how can I possibly know? But, the truly self confident are usually impervious to unfair criticism.

Let me say this. I take issue with you calling femme guys lame and blaming them for your problems. You want your gf to be open minded enough to understand you like the D but arent submissive- thats fair, but you cant even be broad minded enough to understand some people like to be femme some masucline and some neither?
 
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I dont want to get in a argument with you about whats inside YOUR head- how can I possibly know? But, the truly self confident are usually impervious to unfair criticism.

Let me say this. I take issue with you calling femme guys lame and blaming them for your problems. You want your gf to be open minded enough to understand you like the D but arent submissive- thats fair, but you cant even be broad minded enough to understand some people like to be femme some masucline and some neither?

I'm not trying to argue either and I'm not taking your comments as such.

But again, that's not the argument. It's not that some people like to be with submissive sex partners, it's that the general view is that at least one of the guys involved is submissive/beta/feminine.

I thought the example of what my GF said might help but I guess it didn't. I'll try another:

If I were to tell just about any of my friends or any random aquaintance that I like being fucked by guys, the immediate thought is that I must be a feminine/submissive/beta to be able to do that. Needless to say, that is far from the truth.
 

windibundu

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I'm not trying to argue either and I'm not taking your comments as such.

But again, that's not the argument. It's not that some people like to be with submissive sex partners, it's that the general view is that at least one of the guys involved is submissive/beta/feminine.

I thought the example of what my GF said might help but I guess it didn't. I'll try another:

If I were to tell just about any of my friends or any random aquaintance that I like being fucked by guys, the immediate thought is that I must be a feminine/submissive/beta to be able to do that. Needless to say, that is far from the truth.

If thats true, then its up to you to change it, if thats your bag. But, ill say it again, nothing done between concening adults with their own personalities is, "lame", or anything other than "normal".
 

halcyondays

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Why the fuck can't a normal guy enjoy sex with another guy without being viewed as being submissive or beta. Why?

Why do you care how other people view you? It sounds like insecurity--an affront to the masculine persona you need to maintain. A bruise to your ego.

It's not the way you want other people to think of you but you can't control what other people think of you. Stereotypes, biases and prejudices abound. People are gonna think what they think. Let em. You'll always know who you are.

You've been penetrated by guys before without feeling "beta" or submissive haven't you? So what has changed now? That your girlfriend knows?

Normal guy? What's that? For a fem bottom being a fem bottom IS normal. So is being a masc muscle bottom for a masc muscle bottom. So is being bi or gay or vers or whatever.
 
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1222288

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Posted this in the ask a bi man section as well.

So I opened up to my girlfriend recently about enjoying a few dicks in the past. She is extremely bisexual and has had many many threesomes and all that stuff, so she understands the whole hyper-sexual nature of my personality.

She was not upset or thought anything negative of it, especially because I had not disclosed this information to anyone before. She even immediately asked if I wanted to start having threesomes with guys. She's great.

Anyways, the one thing that she had an issue with was thinking of me as bottoming and being submissive. I have a very alpha and dominant personality in and out of the bedroom, which she is extremely attracted to. So, thinking of me in a submissive and beta situation was a huge turn off for her. I had to explained to her that my personality and alpha type of personality did not and has not changed WHATsoever.

I just started thinking about it a lot. Why the fuck can't a normal guy enjoy sex with another guy without being viewed as being submissive or beta. Why? Who ruined this for everyone? It seriously makes me hate the gay community because they have permanently established the image that if you like sex with guys, you are a feminine bitch who wants to be treated as such. Look at every singal gay pride event, walk into a gay bar, hell even have a conversation with 8/10 of them. Lisp, skinny/weak, zero masculinity whatsoever, etc etc.
When you take away every social stigma and meet with a guy who has a compeltely normal (i.e. non flamboyant bitch personality)(which is what I did), it's two people having fun.

I really hate how sex with guys is viewed, I really do. I wish the image wasn't so fucking submissive and lame. Guys like myself should be able to have sex or engage in sexual acts with one another without the beta stigma. Regardless of whether you engage in or support guys banging other guys, the mental image should not be so fucked up as it is.

First of all..wow. You really need to adjust your aggressively negative view of the gay community.

Second, get over yourself. Your use of language is simply..offensive. Not only towards others, but of the distorted image you have of yourself. Then, combined, you are blaming an entire community for your insecurity.

Alpha. Beta. Submissive. Dominant. You are using a lot of labels, and not in a healthy way. Your overly strong insistence that you are a dominant alpha, and your feelings of personal assault that someone would dare think you were a beta submissive, is clearly rooted in insecurity. Rather than look at that, and address what it is inside you that makes you feel that way, you blame someone else: the gay community. Sorry, snowflake, the world isn't responsible for your fragile ego.

I would suggest doing some reading on how to work through your insecurity issues. There is a remarkable amount of material out there.
 

jpk338

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If you are on your hands and knees with your ass in the air waiting to get fucked, I say you are in a submissive position. Dominant/submissive relationships have been around for thousands of years. Way before gay rights.
You need to ask yourself why are you afraid to apply the word to yourself. Because everyone has a little bit of Ying/Yang in themselves. Whether you want to accept it of not. Peace
 

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Well I am similar to you. I do not look at myself as being submissive however. Sex is sex how ever you want to enjoy it. Yes I love pussy, eating,licking,fucking etc.,etc. But on occasion I like to stroke,suck or be fucked by a dildo,vibe or cock. Really would like to be with a transexual male to female with her plumbing intact. I have fantisized about caressing her tits as I suck her cock or fuck her ass and having her do the same to me. My perfect sonario would be to have a male, transexual and a women in a sex orgy. I have a question though can you be a bottom dominant? I want to be the one giving orders. Telling others what to do to me and what I want to do to them. Is that possible? I love women and would never consider a relationship with a man outside of a sexual one. I would consider a relationship with a transexual though. Pretty fuck up heh.
 

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@TheUnihorn: Ever hear of a power bottom? Maybe that's the term your g/f needs to hear to address the ignorance she has about sex. Better yet, if you two are adventurous, find some good power bottom porn videos. Then come back and tell us who's in charge! Redefines the terms "alpha", "butch" and "dominant".

Or if it's the prostrate stimulation you need/crave, perhaps you can investigate pegging. Or having a dildo in your ass while you pound her. Again, you'll have no problems finding internet videos of either.

But never should you feel any shame or insecurity about something you do sexually with other consenting adult(s) that brings both parties pleasure. Your g/f's ignorance has done a number on your psyche. She's hit quite the vulnerable nerve with you. And most likely unknowingly. Cuz your opening post was screaming "I'm insecure". And i don't think I'm alone with that take.

Your need to reinforce your posting with alpha, dominant, etc. labels, and then weave in blame on the gay community for your insecurity speaks volumes to me--you are struggling internally. And that's okay. We all do that. Maybe not about this particular issue, but we all struggle internally about something or the other.

It's what you do to resolve it that's most important. The first step is to admit it. To yourself. And then, once you come to accept you're human, meet it head on. Like you do in the gym with a lagging body part. Target it. Work on it. Whatever you need to do to get yourself back to where you were before you told your g/f about your occasional dalliances with the dudes.

Paraphrasing what others have said--Just Do You. Embrace it. Do you know how many guys would give their left nut to have their g/f or wives permission to fuck around with a guy?

And, why give one fuck about what others may think? Explain that analogy where you envision telling "others" such specific details about your sexual proclivities? How/why would that even occur? Yup, you're hurtin' right now. And again, that's okay. But you need to deal with it, or it's gonna begin to permeate other aspects of your life.

To me, one should strive to feel happy and secure. So, OP, what do YOU need to do to make YOU happy? To make yourself feel secure again? That's what you should address. Forget the other noise.

Oh, one more thought: It takes a real man to take a good ass fucking. It really does. But you already knew that, right? Best Wishes to you!
 

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It's too bad something so simple can be made so complicated. I have two friends, one identifies as submissive while the other doesn't. Both are very masculine and bi, one a mechanic and the other a cop.. No one would ever call either one beta as they are definitely alpha types in everyday life. When we get together we take on roles that suit us at the time. Afterwards we are all back to our everyday alpha roles, whatever they happen to be.
 

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Wrong. I am not insecure, otherwise I wouldn't do many things that I do, freely, and enjoy it. She is not insecure by any means. My point is that I can't even simply tell somebody that I like that stuff without the immediate assumption of my personality changing to a submissive one. There is a reason for the public opinion and I'm stating my opinion as to why that is.[/QUOTE

Being an alpha male myself. And on very rare occasions enjoying being on the receiving end of the D doesn't change the way I feel or live my life outside of that act....


It's the feeling of having my prostate massaged by someone who knows how to throw their meat the way I like to receive it.

Whether it's an all out bang me hard for everything I'm worth, or a good slow sensual fuck session.

Me being in the "beta" position doesn't make me any less alpha. We like what we like, and what feels good to us in the heat of the moment.

But then again when I'm looking to get with another guy, I'm looking for another alpha male. Someone who is on the same page as I am. A guy who takes care of himself the same as I do.

I'd say you were very brave in telling your gf about your escapades and that you like to get fucked in the butt. That took a lot of courage. Outside of this site I only talk about that with the guy that's going to take care of my needs and desires in the bedroom.
 
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1050059

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First of all..wow. You really need to adjust your aggressively negative view of the gay community.

Second, get over yourself. Your use of language is simply..offensive. Not only towards others, but of the distorted image you have of yourself. Then, combined, you are blaming an entire community for your insecurity.

Alpha. Beta. Submissive. Dominant. You are using a lot of labels, and not in a healthy way. Your overly strong insistence that you are a dominant alpha, and your feelings of personal assault that someone would dare think you were a beta submissive, is clearly rooted in insecurity. Rather than look at that, and address what it is inside you that makes you feel that way, you blame someone else: the gay community. Sorry, snowflake, the world isn't responsible for your fragile ego.

I would suggest doing some reading on how to work through your insecurity issues. There is a remarkable amount of material out there.


Damn, I had no idea. Go fuck yourself.
 
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1050059

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I appreciate all the replies. I would like to address something though. I am not insecure about my sexuality or anything relating to this topic.

Prior to me telling my gf, I had never really thought much about the social stigma attached to the person bottoming. Now that I've had to verbally explain it to someone, those thoughts came around.
 
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