Bouncing from one relationship to another, is that a bad sign?

[deleted924715]

A lot of my friends started college while they were with their high school boy/girlfriend, sometime not in the same town or even the same country.
Pretty much none of them went through a long distance relationship because it was safe but because they were attached one to another.

Some stayed together while they were apart, for others the relationship didn't survive the distance for many different reasons. Like drifting apart (which can happen when they live completely different lives), not wanting to settle down, or not wanting to have to go through 5-7 years of long distance.

Exactly! The concepts of affection, connection and attachment, for some reason, appear to be beyond the OPs comprehension

 

[sangheili90]

Well, it sounds like you don't think this girl is the right one for you. You've got questions, and are uncomfortable asking them. Since you are looking for a more committed relationship, once she mentioned her boyfriend, I would have started asking questions and finding out the details and arrangements. I'd want to know why it was okay for me to have my hand up her skirt, if she is in a committed relationship with someone else.

If you wanted the sex, or were okay being her affair, then that's cool too. But, if you want a monogamous or full time relationship, then you need to be clear about that.

@nailz , @EllieP , @Brodie888 : I certainly get where you're coming from, but that isn't always true. I respect your boundary there. However, one mistake will never be enough for me to throw away everything. I try and remember a few things, (1) my best friends have been married 10 years (together for 14 years) and started off as an affair; and; (2) I fell in love with my husband, but he is human and makes mistakes. Does this include him sleeping with someone else? I can't say, until the situation is in front of me; and (3) men are stupid. And while stupid can equal careless, careless doesn't always equal "not caring" or "untrustworthy".

I think what happened is that we started talking casually and it just naturally built up from there. She moved to a new country, with the boyfriend hours away, and is probably a bit lonely, in need of some male attention and horny.....so naturally she acquired some of those things through me, though not necessarily had done so intentionally. It makes sense why a young woman would enjoy the attention of a tall, fit and attractive young man.....how far she intended on it going I have no idea, though it makes perfect sense that given enough time this all could have lead to something much more. So, I personally don't see this individual as a horrible person who is always a cheater, I just think the biological processes of physical/sexual attraction slowly built up over the cumulative time that we had spent together.

 

[Lee_M]

Sorry to say but i think its a very bad sign.

If she had respect for either of you guys she would have ended her previous relationship before allowing anything to happen with you, physically or emotionally.

A girl like that is someone to be wary of.

 

[Brodie888]

Well, it sounds like you don't think this girl is the right one for you. You've got questions, and are uncomfortable asking them. Since you are looking for a more committed relationship, once she mentioned her boyfriend, I would have started asking questions and finding out the details and arrangements. I'd want to know why it was okay for me to have my hand up her skirt, if she is in a committed relationship with someone else.

If you wanted the sex, or were okay being her affair, then that's cool too. But, if you want a monogamous or full time relationship, then you need to be clear about that.

@nailz , @EllieP , @Brodie888 : I certainly get where you're coming from, but that isn't always true. I respect your boundary there. However, one mistake will never be enough for me to throw away everything. I try and remember a few things, (1) my best friends have been married 10 years (together for 14 years) and started off as an affair; and; (2) I fell in love with my husband, but he is human and makes mistakes. Does this include him sleeping with someone else? I can't say, until the situation is in front of me; and (3) men are stupid. And while stupid can equal careless, careless doesn't always equal "not caring" or "untrustworthy".

Someone can have a rattlesnake as a pet and never get bitten too. But if they do get bitten, they only have themselves to blame really.

 

[KennF]

True.

And, someone can have a dog or cat, and get really hurt. Someone can stay inside their homes afraid to go outside, but still slip, fall and crack their head open on the kitchen floor.

Life doesn't come with guarantees and everything is a risk.

And, while someone looks for "picture perfect", the "practical ideal" may be staring them in the face.

I am not saying that cheating is good or right. I am saying that people consider different things as cheating, and that a blanket absolutism that all cheaters are 100% untrustworthy is just as naïve as having a list of qualities that must exist before dating.

We humans are far to messy and imprecise in our communication, so relationships need a level of listening, and forgiveness.

Flirting isn't the same as fucking, I'll grant you, but, my friend Don's first wife Paula felt that it was.
Should she have dumped him?
Would everyone here on the boards say that Don was a good for nothing cheater that couldn't be trusted ever?
Is Don a rattlesnake?
Or.... would you say that Paula's definition of 'cheat' was off and unyielding?

And once you entertain that evaluation, you are already weighing what cheating is, and what it isn't.

For our OP, she says she has a BF. But we don't know what she means by that. Is it a guy she's seen once; a couple of innocent dates; been dating for a while; committed; monogamous; sexual; engaged; planning a wedding date; raising a child before the wedding? What is it?

 

[KennF]

I think what happened is that we started talking casually and it just naturally built up from there. She moved to a new country, with the boyfriend hours away, and is probably a bit lonely, in need of some male attention and horny.....so naturally she acquired some of those things through me, though not necessarily had done so intentionally. It makes sense why a young woman would enjoy the attention of a tall, fit and attractive young man.....how far she intended on it going I have no idea, though it makes perfect sense that given enough time this all could have lead to something much more. So, I personally don't see this individual as a horrible person who is always a cheater, I just think the biological processes of physical/sexual attraction slowly built up over the cumulative time that we had spent together.

Great. Understandable.

How did you respond in the moment? Have you asked her about it?

Since she's brought it up, I think it would be a good idea to ask her about it and find out how serious it is and what are HER intentions. Then' you'll be in a better position to evaluate your feelings on the matter.

Based on your original question, do you find yourself in this situation often? Dealing with girls who are leaving their boyfriends for an encounter with you, or "bouncing around"?

 

[KennF]

Exactly! The concepts of affection, connection and attachment, for some reason, appear to be beyond the OPs comprehension

Wow. Where do you read into this?

The OP appears to have made a connection, is beginning to feel that affection and is concerned about her attachment to a guy in another country.

He is now questioning his feelings and looking for confirmation that this is something appropriate to question, and, maybe, what other people might have done in the past.

 

[rayray]

I'm not looking to just have sex, I'd like to develop a relationship with someone who I feel is a good fit for me.

Your missing my point . I was exaggerating . Kenn is right on . You don't know if her so called bf is casual dating or something more serious . Your lack of social skills are getting in the way . From what you have written I say she has been more than interested . What do you have to lose ? Are you actually afraid she might say yes ? Prove me wrong . After all who wants to go out with tall dark and handsome with a big dick ?

 

[sangheili90]

Great. Understandable.

How did you respond in the moment? Have you asked her about it?

Since she's brought it up, I think it would be a good idea to ask her about it and find out how serious it is and what are HER intentions. Then' you'll be in a better position to evaluate your feelings on the matter.

Based on your original question, do you find yourself in this situation often? Dealing with girls who are leaving their boyfriends for an encounter with you, or "bouncing around"?

I haven't seen or talked to her since the end of the semester but will very likely see her again in a few weeks. She didn't mention the boyfriend situation until the very last class before Thanksgiving. We were talking and I asked her what she was doing for the holiday, as a casual question with no real intention, her face got really red, she smiled and told me about her plans with the roommates here in AZ. Then later during the conversation she mentioned her bf going to another university back in Mexico, but that was it and I didn't press for more information. Prior to that she never had mentioned the bf, despite all the innocent flirtation and physical contact that had been happening. I did end up asking her out after Thanksgiving, knowing about the bf and all, but I could tell that she was put in kind of an awkward situation, since, prior to that nothing had been serious or implied that we'd be in a relationship.

I'm not really in any situations with the opposite sex, but over my very limited history with trying to connect with women the two variables that were universal were that they were already in a relationship and that they were all foreign born from a totally different culture than my own (Russia, Iran, Brazil and now Mexico).

 

[sangheili90]

Your missing my point . I was exaggerating . Kenn is right on . You don't know if her so called bf is casual dating or something more serious . Your lack of social skills are getting in the way . From what you have written I say she has been more than interested . What do you have to lose ? Are you actually afraid she might say yes ? Prove me wrong . After all who wants to go out with tall dark and handsome with a big dick ?

I've already asked her out but I haven't seen her since the end of the fall semester, though I'll probably see her again in a couple weeks.

 

[Brodie888]

True.

And, someone can have a dog or cat, and get really hurt. Someone can stay inside their homes afraid to go outside, but still slip, fall and crack their head open on the kitchen floor.

Life doesn't come with guarantees and everything is a risk.

And, while someone looks for "picture perfect", the "practical ideal" may be staring them in the face.

I am not saying that cheating is good or right. I am saying that people consider different things as cheating, and that a blanket absolutism that all cheaters are 100% untrustworthy is just as naïve as having a list of qualities that must exist before dating.

We humans are far to messy and imprecise in our communication, so relationships need a level of listening, and forgiveness.

Flirting isn't the same as fucking, I'll grant you, but, my friend Don's first wife Paula felt that it was.
Should she have dumped him?
Would everyone here on the boards say that Don was a good for nothing cheater that couldn't be trusted ever?
Is Don a rattlesnake?
Or.... would you say that Paula's definition of 'cheat' was off and unyielding?

And once you entertain that evaluation, you are already weighing what cheating is, and what it isn't.

For our OP, she says she has a BF. But we don't know what she means by that. Is it a guy she's seen once; a couple of innocent dates; been dating for a while; committed; monogamous; sexual; engaged; planning a wedding date; raising a child before the wedding? What is it?

People are entitled to date "rattlesnakes" and that's ok. If you date someone who has a history of cheating then by extension you accept the possibility they will do the same to you.

My point was that at the start of pursuing a relationship, there are easier choices than someone with baggage.

 

[lstiantian]

I'm going to do my best with this without rambling on or making this post a bit incoherent.

In one of my college classes this past fall semester I met a girl and we seemed to hit it off right away. She moved here from Mexico this August and was living with some roommates in town. At first it was more friendly and casual but as the weeks progressed it was definitely starting to build ever more. It eventually got to the point where she'd allow me to have my hand on the inside of her leg and then some. Anyway, just before Thanksgiving we were going on about our plans and at some point during the conversation she very briefly mentioned her boyfriend back home who is going to another university there, which is many hours drive away. A couple weeks after that I had asked her out on a date but she said neither yes nor no, as I could tell she was put in a position to officially decide if she wanted to stay in her long distance relationship or possibly leave that for a new one. We still spoke after that but I never brought up the date idea again, which was a bit of a mistake looking back on it, but I could tell that she was possibly still interested. She told me she was planning on going back home to Mexico for winter break and will be coming back for next semester.

So, is it generally a bad sign that someone drops a current relationship for a new one or in the case of a long distance scenario is this made irrelevant? To me it makes sense that a young individual who just moved to a new city, let alone country, would keep the same bf/gf back home out of safety but then possibly move on to something more local. My cock was hard for a while so it was kind of difficult for me to come up with a logical conclusion to this, where as now I'm more detached from this situation and can look at this a bit more objectively.

I was told to ask if someone has boyfriend or not. I didn't follow that advice, and then ruined two relationships where both of them we had affairs to each other.

 

[someperson]

I think its a bad sign you keep posting these just as bad as wally

 

[someperson]

I've already asked her out but I haven't seen her since the end of the fall semester, though I'll probably see her again in a couple weeks.

She probably thinks you're some kind of stalker
the mix of these three
The Incompetent Stalker
The Intimacy-seeking Stalker
The Rejected Stalker

 

[kyle2457]

It takes a bit more than what is written here to qualify as a stalker. It's simply the case of a guy asking a girl out, her saying she already has a boyfriend, and the guy not giving up but at the same time not doing more.
A stalker would have been way more creepy bout it.

 

[sangheili90]

It takes a bit more than what is written here to qualify as a stalker. It's simply the case of a guy asking a girl out, her saying she already has a boyfriend, and the guy not giving up but at the same time not doing more.
A stalker would have been way more creepy bout it.

That is not how it went, I found out she had a boyfriend, then asked her out a couple weeks later without getting a definitive answer, still spoke to her after and planned on potentially pursuing her come the spring semester. This is all with a person I had spent a couple months speaking to one on one during what I call "insta dates" between classes.

 

[sangheili90]

It takes a bit more than what is written here to qualify as a stalker. It's simply the case of a guy asking a girl out, her saying she already has a boyfriend, and the guy not giving up but at the same time not doing more.
A stalker would have been way more creepy bout it.

However, I will add that there were moments she'd be totally into me and other times where she'd be much more distant and a bit nervous around me, which is when I'd pull back a bit.

 

[kyle2457]

Okay, but still none of that could qualify as stalking. At the very worst, you asking her out after she told you she had a boyfriend could be seen as pushy but then again, she didn't give you a flat no or tried to make you understand (again) that she was involved with someone else.
If she says no once more, give up on it if you would like to at least have her as a friend.

 

[sangheili90]

Okay, but still none of that could qualify as stalking. At the very worst, you asking her out after she told you she had a boyfriend could be seen as pushy but then again, she didn't give you a flat no or tried to make you understand (again) that she was involved with someone else.
If she says no once more, give up on it if you would like to at least have her as a friend.

I know it isn't stalking, I'm not the one who implied that what I did would be considered that lol. Anyway, if a girl has a boyfriend back home and is serious about their relationship shouldn't be flirting with another guy. She shouldn't be surprised or find it pushy if that guy asks her out on a date, especially when she touches him, allows him to touch her, bites her lip while making extended/deep eye contact etc etc. LOL

 

[KennF]

People are entitled to date "rattlesnakes" and that's ok. If you date someone who has a history of cheating then by extension you accept the possibility they will do the same to you.

My point was that at the start of pursuing a relationship, there are easier choices than someone with baggage.

No argument. You, however, did add a bit to the situation.

You gave the person a "history" with "cheating". And I would challenge both of those.

The girl in question has shown no "history", unless by "history" you mean she may be dating someone else, currently. We have nothing that suggests this is her modus operandi. No idea whether she has had any other person in her life, ever. Or under what circumstances she dealt with those situations.

And we have no evidence of "cheating", unless you assume that her relationship with the guy back home is a monogamous one.

Several people have jumped in, assumed that the girl was cheating and no good, dismissed the relationship without regard to learning any of the details.

Lastly, everyone has baggage. You will never find someone without some sort of personal drama in their lives. Line from RENT: "Life's too short, baby. Time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

If the OP asks about it, and finds she is a liar and cheat, then he can dump her. If he finds that she isn't lying, or it isn't a cheat, or that her boyfriend is an arranged thing that she never wanted, or half-a-million other possibilities, then why should he give up on it before he starts?