Boundaries/Insecurities

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Incocknito, Mar 29, 2011.

  1. Incocknito

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    I read an 'advice' / 'agony aunt' column today it went a lil somethin like this:

    "My girlfriend always points out other guys when we are out. She says "ooh isn't he hot", "look at him", etc. When she is out with her girlfriends she dances with other men. When I am alone I don't look at another girl and would never dance with one on a night out."

    The agony aunt basically said that the guy was insecure and needs to sort out his own insecurities. On the other hand, I thought the guy was right to feel that way and that his girlfriend has crossed the line.

    How would you feel about that sort of situation? Been in it yourself? I have.

    I also wanted to ask what sort of boundaries you have eg what is okay and what is not with regards to your partner and members of the 'attracted' sex.

    For example is it okay for your partner to see their ex/s?
     
  2. nudeyorker

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    I think Agony Aunt should find a new career. This is an issue that will vary for each couple. It all entirely depends on the extent of the looking and pointing. If I'm with my partner on the street we will make comments to each other about other people. We have been out with friends and danced with other people... but that's us.
    She should have said if it makes you uncomfortable talk to her about it so that she understand your feelings and you understand her motives.
    In terms of seeing Ex's... the only time I've seen it work is if the three of you go out and develop a friendship first.
     
  3. HiddenLacey

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    It really depends on what each person in the relantionship is truely comfortable with. It's VERY important in my opinion to be up front and honest and tell your partner when something bothers you.

    Speaking from personal experience I can give examples of things that have bothered me.

    I've had a partner that talked to his ex-girlfriend on the phone, her friends, her family. It was tolerable, but not my favorite thing in the world. When people are from the same area and around each other in social situations I understand it's not polite to ignore them. Crossing the line came more when their conversations revolved around me. Mostly when she tried to compare herself to me repeatedly and he would come back and tell me about. First of all I knew what she was doing and it wasn't ok at all and him coming back and telling me and continuing the phone conversations after that made me uncomfortable in the relationship. Which I told him. Yet when he went out of state he still met her for drinks, still not ok at this point because I had told him it was making me uncomfortable. Obviously he wasn't to concerned about my feelings or he wouldn't have met her. I'm pretty easy going. Once the lines have been crossed there is no getting that feeling back. Trust is gone and in my opinion the relationship is through.

    Honestly, I very rarely ever find someone attractive by looking at them. It's normally something that someone does that makes them attractive to me. I'm not quite sure why that is. I've discussed tons of guys in public with my girlfriends and I've yet to see one worth the fuss. I think the more important someone is to me the more attractive they become. I would never ever point out another man while with a partner and talk about how attractive he was. I just wouldn't do it. Personally I find it rude.

    As for dancing I think it depends on the type of dancing. I've been to a few dance clubs and I've only danced with a guys friend if they were both dancing with me and he seemed ok with it. If a someone asked me to dance somewhere I would immediately look to my partner to see his reaction and make sure he was ok with it. It's not about having his permission, it's about respecting him. I don't want some strange guy rubbing his body against mine in a club, especially knowing it might make my partner uncomfortable. I've dated some guys that could care less and others that would be enraged.
     
    #3 HiddenLacey, Mar 29, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 29, 2011
  4. Ramsey

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    This is why you're such a fantastic lady! You show a level of respect that some women don't show.

     
  5. Incocknito

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    Yeah this agony aunt is not the best. She advises women who have cheated on their boyfriends/husbands not to tell them about it. Which I think is very wrong. And this is in quite a popular (albeit tabloid) newspaper.

    Maybe I'm old fashioned (or just weird) but I have a hard time believing that a male and a female - especially ex partners - can be "just friends". I think that a person talking to their ex will either want to get close with them again or the ex will want to get close with them again.

    Which is a recipe for...temptation :eek:
     
  6. Kotchanski

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    Pointing people out and making the odd comment here and there I have no issue with, the key is reading my reaction and not pushing it when it becomes clear I'm unhappy/uncomfortable with the situation. This is also how I deal with things from my side... If I make a comment, I leave enough time to read the reaction before even contemplating making another.

    Dancing with someone else, well that isn't an issue for us... There isn't enough money in the world to make him dance with anyone. I however have danced with others and he's more than fine with that since it means I stop nagging him :rolleyes:

    As for seeing ex's... No, not a chance in hell, ever.
     
  7. arthur

    arthur New Member

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    This is something that depends on couple to couple. Personally I don't mind a bit of comment on other men. That is a sign of confidence in your partner and more importantly in your relationship with each other. Dancing with others... you can tell when a dance is just the 'macarena' or a meaningful dance. Gotta assess the indidvidual situation.

    Exes again only depends if you are up front and honest about your feelings... personally I am a why be in a relationship if your gonna cheat on someone kind of guy. No point settling down?!?
     
  8. petite

    petite New Member

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    Good question!

    Nudeyorker is right, it's to complicated to generalize about. It depends on the man I'm with. I am in an ideal situation for myself right now, which is a good thing because I'm married.

    Personally, I hate dating jealous or insecure men. It makes me roll my eyes a lot and it annoys me. I've never cheated on a man or started a new relationship before the old one was over. I've been with jealous men and they have made me miserable. One was outright abusive, which only strengthened my feelings. If I'm going to leave a man, it won't be because of some guy's abs or because I danced with him, no matter how hot he looks. I wouldn't treat the person that I'm with disrespectfully and I expect to be treated with respect, but at the same time I don't expect that the person I'm with should cease to find all other human beings attractive, so it's all about how it's done.

    Hypocritically, I can be quite jealous myself and I prefer to be treated a certain way. The unfairness works with the relationship I have with TheBF. It's not "fair" because we treat each other differently, but more importantly in my opinion, we each treat each other the way that each of us we like to be treated, which makes us both happy.

    He enjoys my jealousy because it makes him feel desired. I enjoy his trust, because it makes me feel honored that he considers me to be trustworthy. So that means that I express my jealousy, and he expresses his complete lack of that exact same emotion, and that makes us happy with one another because we're fulfilling each other's needs. It works for us so well, it's almost scary.

    (I say "hypocritically" but I don't actually expect any man to possess TheBF's superhuman confidence and lack of jealousy, because that would be a totally unrealistic expectation to have, but it is hypocritical in the sense that I truly enjoy his almost total lack of jealousy, even though I am incapable of being as secure as he is.)

    We're completely open with each other. If someone flirts with him, he tells me right away. I often enjoy it. Those stories are often entertaining and I like seeing how it made TheBF feel good about himself for a stranger to indicate that he was desirable. He is an attractive man, so of course women flirt with him. I agree with those women that he's flirt-worthy! If I feel jealous, I'm open with him about those feelings, too. Likewise, if someone flirts with me, I tell him everything! If I didn't, then that would mean something.

    It would be different if I felt like TheBF acted in a way that made women believe he was single and available, or if he initiated flirtation, then I would feel angry. I don't act in a way that intentionally invites men to pursue me, either, which would be disrespectful towards my husband. So there are obviously degrees, nuances that make a huge difference that are difficult for me to describe in text.

    TheBF encourages me to see my ex-es, to go out and catch up with them, even the ones who obviously want me back. He knows how important people from my past are to me, and that I try to maintain good relationships with them and it doesn't bother him. In fact, the more obvious it is that one of my ex-es wants me back, the more he seems to feel empowered, because knows that he's the one who "won" me (I've ended all my LTR). This has happened over and over again, since it seems like practically every guy I've ever dated has crawled out of the woodworks since we began dating and made a play for me again. Every single time, he's been completely confident that there's nothing anyone could do to steal me from him, so he could not be threatened. He's been 100% correct every single time, and I find his confidence to be incredibly sexy.

    He likes it when other men flirt with me, because he finds it entertaining to observe the things that men do in an attempt to gain my affection and he feels completely comfortable that I won't leave him, and it amuses him even more when I want him to "rescue" me from someone else's attentions (as long as I don't actually feel threatened). I've seen him encourage it when we've been at parties. I suspect that it boosts his ego when other men want me, and I choose him.

    I compliment men in front of him all the time, but he makes it fun because he says funny things whenever I do, and sometimes there is fun banter between us that is sparked by it, so I am encouraged to do it by him. In fact, once when I was in chat, he helped me think up sexy things to say because I couldn't think of anything and he was helping me by providing insight into what men want to hear. It was really weird, but oddly, it was also really fun and we laughed a lot while doing it. He's even encouraged me to cam, and I did a tiny amount of experimenting when I joined LPSG, just enough to confirm I haven't felt comfortable doing it, which we've discussed a lot. He has basically told me that he knows that my limits are so much more restrictive than his own that I wouldn't do anything that would threaten him. Again, he's right. I am naturally more prudish than he is, and given full freedom to do what I wish, I wish to remain a prude (at least relative to him, I'm certainly less prudish than many women are in many ways). That makes me the most comfortable. It's who I am.

    Now, here is where more of that unfairness comes in... I would NOT be comfortable if he cammed with other women, either talking to them when they're naked or getting naked himself, so he doesn't. We've talked about how unfair that is, and he doesn't care. Even though I don't want him to cam, he doesn't mind if I see naked men on cam and talk to them, and it doesn't bother him a whit that there's an inequality there. I wouldn't do anything that made him feel uncomfortable, though, and if he told me he changed his mind, then things would change and I would never do it again, no questions asked.

    The only exception for my husband is if I genuinely have feelings for someone else, and he knows me so well that I am transparent to him, so that he knows if I do. There's only one person he's ever felt jealous towards, and I cannot say that his feelings are unjustified. I do not wish to hurt him, so unlike with anyone else, I am extremely careful about what I do and say in regards to this one particular person. True to my husband's own code of conduct, he would never insist that we don't speak to one another or that I should behave differently because of him, and true to my code of conduct, if we speak to one another, I tell my husband everything just like I would with anyone else, because to keep it a secret would lend our interactions more weight and meaning than I want them to have and I would feel like I was cheating. It's not a large problem because we speak to each other very infrequently, and not at all in the past year, but I expect that we will again sometime in the future, but I will cautiously not call him if TheBF and I have recently had a fight or if things between us are less than 100% secure and happy, because I feel that those are the appropriate rules to abide by in this circumstance. In a way, it's comforting to me that my husband knows me this well, that we know each other this well. It gives greater meaning to his lack of jealousy towards everyone else.
     
    #8 petite, Mar 29, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2011
  9. helgaleena

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    I think the girlfriend was not out of line for expressing her appreciation for male beauty, but she needs to be told by this guy that it bothers him. If she can't stop hurting his feelings, THEN she would be out of line. But as you report it third hand here, it's hard to tell whether the girlfriend was aware of the effect of her comments or not.

    I have never minded when 'my' partner points out pretty people in the crowd. But then, I'm an artist and tend to attract other artistic types. The one time I found myself in a relationship with someone who was bothered, they ended up as an ex. It didn't have to be that way but it was a warning that the fellow was insecure.
     
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