Boyfriend Advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Canuck, May 11, 2008.

  1. Canuck

    Canuck New Member

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    Ok a little background. I'm bi, but probably more like gay and in denial. Everyone thinks I'm straight, and I don't really plan on ever coming out.

    Last year I met a guy online. It started as a cyber sex kinda thing but he was really nice. We talked alot online and eventually on the phone until the point where we were talking everyday. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all and I knew he was so I made it clear that I was looking for friends with benefits at the most. He persisted and along the way I developed feelings for him as well. It was more an experiment on my part, seeing what it would be like dating a guy. Even though I now think of him as my boyfriend, he is more serious about it than I am.

    Its been a year since we met online so of course he wants to meet in person. He's already tried to make plans to come see me several times. I keep making excuses because in my mind, when we meet that makes the relationship real. Thats scary because I never really thought it would go this far. Now he says that the first week of June he's making a trip to see me, no matter what.

    I don't know what to do. In one way, it would be fun to actually have a date with a guy instead of pretending to be straight all the time. Being myself in public sounds pretty appealing. But at the same time, he is more invested in this relationship than I am, and meeting will just make that stronger. I don't want to hurt him, but I honestly don't plan on spending my life with him, or any man for that matter.

    I need some advice. Am I leading this guy on if we meet, or am I just trying something new and finding myself?
     
  2. D_minimum balance

    D_minimum balance New Member

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    I would say stop being a little pussy and try something new and if something more comes out of it than more power to you and him...and about not coming out WOW that's just being a little scared pussy
     
  3. B_The Greek Dude

    B_The Greek Dude New Member

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    Two questions:

    Do you have a good idea (more than one photo, preferably a webcam) of what he looks like, and vice versa?

    How far away does he live?


    I'm asking the first question, because just about everyone - including me - has had the experience of meeting someone they've talked to online, and realizing that they look or sound nothing they did in that image, or over the phone.

    I'm asking the second question, because if he lives more than a few hours away, it could potentially be too serious; he would feel that if he traveled all that way just to see you, that you must love him and he would expect more of a serious commitment than it seems like you're ready for.

    I'll try and give more advice when you fill in those blanks for me.

    Edit:
    Wow, a troll! That's interstin'.
     
  4. Canuck

    Canuck New Member

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    The to first reply, at this point in my life I don't feel I want to live an openly gay lifestyle. Thats my choice, I don't think that makes me a pussy, but to each his own.

    To the second post, yes I've seen many pictures, talked on webcam hundreds of times, I know what he looks like for sure.

    He lives in New Jersey and I live in Toronto. So thats a fair distance.
     
  5. Sklar

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    If he's looking for a relationship and you're not, do not meet him at all.

    If all this time you have been telling him that you do not want a relationship and he's still persuing you, red flags should be waving all over the place. Especially if this has all been on line. He's had plenty of opprotunities to find someone who IS looking for a relationship and for some reason has zeroed in on you, who has repeatedly said no to wanting a relationship.

    My advice is to block this guy before he starts stalking you in real life.

    Sklar
     
  6. Canuck

    Canuck New Member

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    He's not like a stalker. I mean, at first I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship but now, slowly, thats what I have with him. Although he's more into the relationship than I am. At times that makes me feel like I've lead him on because he is so in love and I'm just seeing what it feels like to have a relationship with a guy.

    I do care about him and just don't want to hurt him or lead him on any further.

    I don't know if its selfish of me to want to meet him to see what it would be like to go on a date with a guy or just be myself around someone. I dunno what will happen, but it looks like I'll find out. He e-mailed me hotel research tonight.
     
  7. headbang8

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    No, it's not selfish to want to meet him. And it's especially not selfish to want to just be yourself around someone. That's what we're put on the planet for. To find that soulmate--or to find many of them.

    You know what? If he cares for you, that's what he wants for you, too. Two people who click, spending time together, enjoying each other's bodies and catching a moment of intimacy. It need be nothing more, and you'd be cheating yourself out of a great experience if it were anything less.

    You've had many chances to break your friendship, but you didn't. You actually want to be with this guy. Do it, and enjoy it. And stop thinking about whether it's a "relationship" and just enjoy your time together.

    The "gay in denial" line worries me. You don't need to come out to have a fulfilling personal life with another man (or men). But it's a lot easier, and more fulfilling. And coming out always seems harder than it actually turns out to be.
     
  8. vindicator

    vindicator Member

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    I think you REALLY need to figure out what you want in terms of your partners and sexual life. I mean, you need to figure out what is going to make you happy. You said you are bi leaning toward gay. So i assume you get more pleasure from a man then from a women. Have you been with a guy before?

    If you're into guys more, it will most likely always be that way. No one said you have to come out to have a relationship with another guy. If you do lean toward men, what is the point of trying to push against it when you might meet someone who is a really good guy and may ultimately make you more happy?

    I would say meet the guy and go from there. You can take it slow or just hang out or whatever. If nothing happens or you don't feel comfortable, then thats the way it is. But you should probably at least meet with him and see how things go. Just take it slow and explain to him the situation. I'm sure he will understand where you are at.
     
  9. PWRSTRK

    PWRSTRK Member

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    He ain't your boyfriend if you've never seen him in person. Give me a break. I've seen it all and I know for damn sure that until you see a guy in flesh and blood it isn't 'real'. Loosen up on your emotional ties unless you can have a real friendship with a person whom you can see once in awhile.
     
  10. B_retracted

    B_retracted New Member

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    You're leading this guy on if you continue to talk to him every day and NOT meet. What are you so scared of? You say you're bisexual but could actually be totally gay. Do you really give other people's opinions about your life that much credence that you'd enter into a loveless miserable marriage instead of being with someone you actually have feelings for? Stop being such a baby and meet the guy. Quite frankly, if I were him, I'd have dumped you. No way I'd talk on the phone to a love interest every day for a year if they kept making excuses for not being in the same room as me. Or did you lie about how you look or something and you're afraid that you'd be busted for not being a blonde adonis with a twenty inch dick?
     
  11. DC_DEEP

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    WOW aren't you a judgemental little prick? Yeah, it would be better if every bi or gay person would come out, but that's not always practical. It's not your business to set any other person's timetable.

    OP, sorry, no advice for ya.
     
  12. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    Seeing it from the other guys POV he is just really interested in you and would like to take your relationship (meaning, the bond you have and not the 'dating' type of relationship) to the next level. If you're not keen then I think you should save the other guy a lot of further upset (and money) and just tell him it isnt a good idea to meet up in person just yet.

    You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, and until you decide what it is you want, I would just tell him that you want to take things slowly and continue to chat and have fun online - if he cares about you, he should be able to respect this.

    Man, I should have my own chat show - watch out Oprah.
     
  13. marleyisalegend

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    just report him like i did and move on, no need to lower yourself to his level of personal insults.
     
  14. Canuck

    Canuck New Member

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    I've decided to just meet him and have that experience. Afterwards if I don't want to be with him, I can break up with him. At least then I'll know for sure.

    I'm not at the best place in my life and haven't dated anyone in a long time. I don't want to hurt anyone while I'm still undecided about what I want in life. This just sorta happened, so I guess I'll ride it out and see how it goes.

    I do feel like he's my boyfriend. I mean a long distance relationship is still a relationship. We talk on the phone and webcam, we exchanged birthday and x-mas gifts. Meeting face to face will just solidify all that, and I guess I'll see how I feel after it happens.
     
  15. Canuck

    Canuck New Member

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    **Update**
    Well I did it. He came up here this week and I met him and hung out with him all week. I have to say, I had an amazing time. I was expecting to try things out with him and then once he went back, breaks things off before they got too serious. Instead we're planning more visits and talking about permanently moving closer (me move there or him move here).

    I'm fairly shocked at how well it turned out. It felt so amazing being out on date with a guy who loves me instead of being out lying to myself and others pretending I'm straight. I just never realized how much better I would feel about myself if I lived my life more honestly.

    He is such a sweet guy and the more time I spent with him the more I realized I didn't want us to be apart. And I'm not some hopeless romantic, at best I'm usually quite cynical. Now all of a sudden here I was at the airport when he was leaving, just bawling my eyes out.

    I'm wondering what I should do next. Should I come out to my family/friends? I never imagined that I would ever come out ever, under any circumstance. Now I just keep thinking if I want a relationship with this guy, I need to come out at some point.

    Any opinions?
     
  16. D_ShiaLeTubeSteak

    D_ShiaLeTubeSteak New Member

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    dont come out just yet. I mean, its been a year, not twenty. It could ruin the relationship you have with your family. I've had this before, you have to put family before some of your relationships, then again, if you really feel strongly about it then maybe you should ?
     
  17. Canuck

    Canuck New Member

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    I am worried that If I come out and then I broke up with this guy I might be doing it for nothing. Basically if I come out its a big commitment and there's no going back. I do feel strongly about him, but I dunno if I should give it more time first. Its just really hard to sneak around with him.

    When you say you've had this before, what do you mean?
     
  18. kundalinikat

    kundalinikat Member

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    Okay where to start... I write all of this with respect, you asked for advice :)
    So you would like to act more like yourself in public, and perhaps even "come out" and be bi or gay 24/7 at some point. Remember that "coming out" doesn't always mean saying "I'm 100% gay." Coming out (whatever you take it to mean) will make things much simpler, that's for sure, though of course it doesn't necessarily "make everything easier".
    But right now you don't want to be out and single.
    On the other hand, this guy is not "the right guy" for you. (This should be obvious by now.) Maybe no guy is the right guy for you, for now.
    Leading-on someone smitten or involved with you, while you're basically not into it and unable to return the level of commitment, is not the worst thing you've ever done (or will ever do) but if you keep it going much longer (like for another year?) it could have a fighting chance...!
    The truth is that this relationship is very real, at least for him even if it is not true for you. And it will only get more tricky, and potentially unstable if you don't tell him what you are afraid of (that you and he are wrong for each other in a real way). Do you really think that when you meet him, the character of the relationship will change?
    What you need to think about (re: staying with him and growing closer together) is whether you want to live in the same city and start dating, or just move in together, whichever more suits your pace. Because that's what coming up if you stay together.

    This is my real piece of advice: Being with him (meeting and staying together somehow) and being yourself in public are not the same acts. You can do one without the other, or even both!
     
  19. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

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    if you did decide to come out & this relationship didn't work out, you wouldn't have come out "for nothing"...you will have just been honest about who you are & what you want...sneaking around is no way to live...

    sounds to me like you already know what you really want but you're afraid of what it might mean in the future...

    finally I will say give yourself some time...don't rush into anything...
     
  20. green carnation

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    How fascinating.

    Before you met him I was definately going to tell you that of course you are leading him on and you are going to hurt him by using him as an experiment in 'finding yourself'-find yourself on your own, dont drag in other people...

    BUT, now you've met and are going to live happily ever after...by some miracle you did the right thing. Congratulations. Dont start talking about living together yet, take things slowly, there are still a lot of issues to resolve, as others have highlighted, and the real work has only just begun. Remember relationships are not novelties. Please do keep us updated!
     
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