Boyfriend raising money issue, looking for insight....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ConstantComment, Feb 28, 2011.

  1. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    I was diagnosed with cancer last fall. I have been working on contract, no permanent work (the recession being what it is). I finished my contract before my first dose of chemo, end of November and have not been working since.

    I know that some people who are in permanent work can hold on to their jobs. These days a lot of things can be done on a outpatient basis as I am getting. But they are done during 9 to 5, prime office hours and as I have experienced, when my white blood cell count is too low, then chemo sessions need to be cancelled and rescheduled. How many bosses are going to put up with that with a new employee.

    I've been dating my guy since last June. And exclusively since October. It was he who urged me to get checked. He is a lawyer who has had the same employer since 2001.

    While he pays for the most part our going out, I have never asked him to pay for my necesseities. I do not ponder out loud how the mortgage will get paid or how to get groceries into my apartment. Whenever we go out, in London since we both live there about 5 tube stops apart, I always suggest public transport (which I pay for myself) or walking.

    So now I am wondering why is he asking me how I pay the mortgage. OR on Saturday evening when we agreed to meet at his place to watch more episodes of Mad Men, he asks me whether I picked up a the bottle of wine that my sister left for me at the hotel concierge..."that we could drink that night" or else he has to pay for it. Umm, it's easy to get a decent bottle of wine for GBP5 in London. (neither one of us is a connoisseur).

    I aksed whether he worried that I would be a financial burden, he said no. I did suggest that as a lawyer, he could investigate with his colleagues in HR, what rights a cancer patient has regarding work in the UK. He told me that I could find that information on line. He has told me he would pay for breast reconstruction if the NHS doesn't pay for it or if to upgrade it required extra money. (upgrade meaning better materials, not larger size).

    We see each other once during the week and on the weekends at least on Saturday to Sunday and sometimes, like last weeked, the whole weekend. My going back to my place to do a few things. I think both of us like our space so I'm assuming the both of us are happy to not spend every night and the whole weekend with each other.

    But perhaps some of you, male and female, can shed some light on this situation. I suppose he could look for someone with a permanent job. He may be that type of guy. If so, I'd like to know sooner rather than later.
     
  2. Hoss

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    I've bolded the areas which I think have the answers you need.

    He asked how you meet the mortgage payment. Since your ability to hold full time employment at this time is hampered by health issues, he may just be expressing concern that you are in financial distress, he further indicated this by asking about the wine purchase.

    2nd, he says he doesn't see you as a person that will become a financial burden. He may feel that you'll find the places which give financial assistance & he has indicated he'd pay for your breast reconstruction if need be.

    In the 2 above, it seems that your man is a caring individual with no intent of leaving you.

    When it comes to his fnding information regarding the law & employment he seems to be trying to not get his personal life mingled with his work. He did tell you that the information can be found on line, he didn't simply dismiss your concerns, rather he seems to feel there are things which can be done by you & that you aren't helpless, if there's something whch you can manage then take that action.

    Given your medical situation with chemo, meds and the awareness of mortality you may be reading more into things than necessary. If it is gnawing at you too much & to distraction, then have a sit down talk with him, find what the 2 of you expect & believe will be the future of the relationship.
     
  3. borntobeking

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    I agree with what Hoss said. It sounds to me like this guy is concerned about your well being. His questioning seemed sincere and in fact is something that I myself would do.
     
  4. D_Suckleberry Hound

    D_Suckleberry Hound New Member

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    Just talk to him rather than trying to guess what he is thinking.
     
  5. pinkpineapples

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    All 3 responses above are great ones. Should listen to them. You're having trouble and it just sounds like he's worried about you. And yeah. Talk to him.
     
  6. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    First I want to say how sorry I am for your diagnosis. I had a total hysterectomy due to endometrial cancer 6 months ago. I'm very lucky to have caught it at an early stage and have not been through what you are going through. Nonetheless, I understand where your heart is here.

    I do agree with Hoss that your man sounds concerned. I can see why him telling you to look on the internet might be less than the response you wanted to hear, but perhaps he really doesn't have the time between paid cases to do this kind of research. I'm not sure how things work over in the UK but here in the US a person with your issues would apply for disability or some type of public assistance. Is your doctor aware of your situation? He may have resources that you aren't aware of and this could benefit you too. But I've digressed...

    Without knowing more, I can't tell you specifically if I think he's pulling away, but it sounds like your frightened. Your fighting for your life here and perhaps you need that extra assurance from him. Is he affectionate enough towards you? I know that my husband can be less than affection or quiet, making it seem like he doesn't care. This happened when I was diagnosed with cancer. When I confronted him about this he admitted that he was frightened and was just trying to be strong for me and our son. He was afraid of showing me how scared he was and felt that if he remained strong for us that I could weather whatever might come.

    I sincerely hope you talk to him, CC. You never know what's brewing beneath the surface unless you ask him. Good luck with your guy and your cancer treatments. Will you please keep us updated? I'm going to subscribe to this thread and keep an eye. If you need to talk 1 on 1 drop me a PM and we'll chat. :hug:
     
  7. nudeyorker

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    First I'm very sorry about your current health issues and wish you a long life as a recovered cancer patient.

    I think your boyfriend is concerned about not only your health now but also your well being. Discussing financial matters are always uncomfortable for a couple to discuss. Like others have said I think the two of you should sit down and discuss the matter openly to quell any doubt or insecurity.

    On other matters I know someone who is also undergoing chemo and is able to work from home doing legal research and writing reports. Perhaps you could discuss some options with some former clients. With projects of this nature no one really cares the hours you work as long as the project gets finished.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts.
    Me ke aloha.
     
  8. rayray

    rayray Active Member

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    ConstantComment, I pray for your recovery, for i too had cancer and fought the battle.I know how unpredictable low counts are..I had to postpone a few of my chemo tratments because of it..I know you two have not been together all that long but it seems like you need to open up a broader channel of communication with him.Everything you wrote about the two of you seems to be very casual to me.I dont know what kind of assistance you can receive from your government,here in the states i applied for disability and received it but it took 2 years to receive my first check.I was lucky enough to have family and friends help me through a very difficult time.It sounds like your BF cares enough for you to stick around but i am sure he to is afraid of the unknown and may be answering the questions you ask with what you need to hear.How did you handle your first tratment??Mine made me extremely weak and working was out of the question.Did they catch your cancer in a early stage??When the time is right you need to sit and have a serious chat about your future with him.Find out exactly what his feeling and fears are.As a lawyer he should be making enough to help you out.The question about the wine could be and probably is his way of treading lightly about your finances.One thing i know is you have to keep a positive mental attitude no matter how your feeling,that really helped me,,Keep us all informed..You may not know me but i do care about what you are going through..If you would like to PM me feel free to do so..Take care and eat well and get plenty of rest....
     
  9. crossy

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    Good luck to you!
    Hoss has it right
     
  10. insert_8

    insert_8 New Member

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    It sounds like he is sincere and concerned. Granted, there are levels of "concern" - I demonstrated "concern" for the people of Japan when I contributed US$100 to a humanitarian relief fund, but that's not exactly the same kind of "concern" I have for my wife.

    It sort of depends on exactly what the relationship is between you and this guy. On one hand you call him "your guy", but is the relationship between you two closer to "life partners", or closer to "casual partners when it's convenient"?

    There's the old phrase in the marriage vows about "for richer, or poorer; in sickness, or in health". When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer 18 months ago, we were both working two part-time jobs, and had been without health insurance for 6 years. Under the U.S. guidelines, she qualified for treatment as a "Medicare" (welfare) patient and as of now I have no complaint about the care she received.

    I am sticking with her - because she's my wife, and that's part of the "rules" in our relationship. It may be appropriate for you and "your guy" to have some honest discussions about exactly what your relationship is about. You seem to analyze its details as financial transactions so I'm guessing that your personal philosophy is "management" (rather than Christianity, Buddhism, hedonism, etc). I'm not familiar with how that philosophy fits into interpersonal relationships, but I know that money, greed, and materialism are significant contributors to many marital breakups I'm somewhat acquainted with.

    We opted to NOT do reconstruction on my wife's mastectomy side, primarily for reasons unrelated to costs. She continued to work her jobs during chemotherapy and radiation, though with reduced hours. For me the scariest part of the treatment was the days immediately after the first two rounds of chemo, when she - quite literally - did not eat ANY food for two or three days. (I asked the physician about this, who told us to force food on her, and suggested some brands of protein-enriched nutrition supplements to try.)

    As others said, your medical, insurance, and employment laws are different so I can't eve tell you where to begin looking for answers and assistance. My wife is currently declared "free of cancer", but we have monthly medical appointments and tests for the next few years to quickly identify any recurrence. I wish a similarly successful outcome for you.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    I know a lot of people feel too proud to go on disability, but please do consider it. One of my authors recently found out that she could not get back to her job in a timely manner due to chemo and was forced to apply for federal aid. It's a great mental adjustment but I am glad she can now focus on getting well and writing more books for us.

    I was forced to bite the bullet and accept a permanent disability diagnosis about eighteen years back. In my case it's not life-threatening, but it's chronic, and I have younglings to think of. Now that the economy is going sour I feel most fortunate for the small but steady trickle which lets us live and lets me pursue a job that pays far too little to endanger my eligibility.

    You don't have to rely on your boyfriend for anything if you don't wish to. And know that breast cancer is no longer the death sentence it was. Another friend of mine had it and now runs her own strenuous cleaning business with far more energy than I ever had even in my youth. She looks like she's as young as her 20 year old daughter too.
     
  12. yoursgetsmine

    yoursgetsmine Member

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    Hoss is correct and to expand on one thing....by him (your man friend you're dating) "informing" you (not "telling" you which may make it seem like he's coldly pushing you around and being negative) about the information is available online...he's getting you involved which is critical in cancer patients or any other serious disease because it does make you concentrate on the positive aspect of putting you in "some" element of control, whereas the counter point is that you're doomed and all is negative from here on out.

    We've all probably had close friends or family with cancer, and I won't let my friends feel sorry for themselves when they start to give up and actually create a more negative situation than what they're in with the cancer. You have to maintain a positive attitude that with both modern medicine and your own "strong will" you WILL prevail, and that this is another curve ball in your life that you have to knock the "hell" out of the park......good luck!!!
     
    #12 yoursgetsmine, Mar 21, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2011
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