Hi this seems like a good place to post this, How do you guys and girls feel about your boyfriend/girlfriend watching porn behind your back and denies watching it when asked, its only porn but does it have to be such a secret and hard to admit? would that be considered a red flag? just a question...
boyfriend watching porn.....
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Depends on so many factors... how long you have been with him, if it's an open relationship, if you are "open" or "closed" about how much you discuss turn-ons outside of your partner, etc. etc.
The simplest answer would be that he should always make himself available to you, and anything outside of that should be a BONUS, and not a substitute. If it stands in the way for you then it's a problem. If you have to ask LPSG, it might be a red flag.
I have friends who have adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" method which seems to work for them- but everyone is different.
The simplest answer would be that he should always make himself available to you, and anything outside of that should be a BONUS, and not a substitute. If it stands in the way for you then it's a problem. If you have to ask LPSG, it might be a red flag.
I have friends who have adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" method which seems to work for them- but everyone is different.
I know some girls that get really upset when they find out that their bf's watch porn. Personally, I don't get it. I know my bf watches porn when I'm not around, and it doesn't bother me at all, I've done the same thing. I guess the difference is we don't hide it from each other, but still, even if he did keep it a secret and I had just found out cause I had caught him or something, I still wouldn't be upset.
For me, my g/f got pissed off when I watched porn. But the problem was that she would ask me if I was watching it and I told her no. AKA a lie. But, after I told her that I would watch porn she was happier that I told her the truth. Since then she hasn't really brought up the issue. But, its not like I watch porn right in front of her we've got a separate office and when I'm working I might take a break here and there and might look at some porn. She's even told me (once or twice) that she's watched porn and for me I could really care less.
I guess everyone is different.
I guess everyone is different.
thanks everyone. we been together for 14 months and its a closed relationship, I have no problem with him looking at porn, I enjoy porn every once in awhile myself, i guess the fact the he wasnt honest and denied it even with proof, thats what bothered me, I am cool with it as long as I know we will be sleeping next to eachother at night anyway and maybe can watch porn together.....lol I just hope hes as open about it as I am.... 
Ill post the results of what works best for us. thx again......
Ill post the results of what works best for us. thx again......With couples the desire for sex is not always coordinated to where both want something at the same time. I would wonder what is behind the fear or denial with regards to the admission of watching it? To me that is the more significant thing here. Is there some reason that the BF would deny watching it?
Many years I had a dating relationship where the other person totally freaked if I watched porn even if we were not able to be together as if porn was in some manner being unfaithful.
This is one that needs a ton of discussion to see where his head is at.
Many years I had a dating relationship where the other person totally freaked if I watched porn even if we were not able to be together as if porn was in some manner being unfaithful.
This is one that needs a ton of discussion to see where his head is at.
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this is also probably a issue that is viewed differently between MM, MF and FF couples...
B_subgirrl
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watching porn is healthy and normal and a self choice. Some choose privacy, some do not. And for a variety of reason. Some healthy and some questionable.
It always astonished me when people say, "I" have no problem... or "I" don't have a problem... bla bla bla ... with my partner watching porn.
Sex is about yourself. Love is about the pother person. And clearly porn is about sex.
watching porn can be a valuable tool to augment sexual and love making interactions.
To stigmatize it in such a way that one places any relevance on another persons persona - based on your choices and beliefs can diminish the fluidity of one of the best facets of the human condition.
It always astonished me when people say, "I" have no problem... or "I" don't have a problem... bla bla bla ... with my partner watching porn.
Sex is about yourself. Love is about the pother person. And clearly porn is about sex.
watching porn can be a valuable tool to augment sexual and love making interactions.
To stigmatize it in such a way that one places any relevance on another persons persona - based on your choices and beliefs can diminish the fluidity of one of the best facets of the human condition.
arthur
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Watching porn/wanking and relationships/sex are two totally different spiritual and physical acts. Don't think the former stops whent he other begins. Was in a terribly controlling relationship, albeit for a very short time, that got jealous when I watched porn or masurbated. When I said, plain and simple, I would never change and will continue doing it. It's a lay it on the line situation, and agree with many of the former posters that it's probably not so much about the watching 'Chi Chi LaRue' as it is the lying about watching 'Chi Chi LaRue'...
- Crex,
I agree that this likely varies from M/M, F/F, M/F couples.
I personally don't mind it. I know he watches porn. I watch porn. We're young college guys on entirely different sleeping/work schedules, am I to expect him to just sit around and wait for me to take care of his needs? I think it's completely healthy, and the feelings I get from watching porn/jerking are not entirely sexual - it's a way to spend time with myself and better understand what I like/dislike.
I personally don't mind it. I know he watches porn. I watch porn. We're young college guys on entirely different sleeping/work schedules, am I to expect him to just sit around and wait for me to take care of his needs? I think it's completely healthy, and the feelings I get from watching porn/jerking are not entirely sexual - it's a way to spend time with myself and better understand what I like/dislike.
Id say that you have to look at the root of his denial. Why is he denying it? May be he was in a relationship befor where he had to hide it. With me and my B/F, we never really talked about it until i found it open on his lap top when i turned it on (i always ast befor jumping on his comp) I made a joke about him "rubbing one out" and he got all shy about it. We had a good laugh. I guess it was an ice breaker and it let him know that i was ok with it. like really...common...its porn. May be you should make a joke about it to let him know that it is no big deal. or may be suggest watching some together. Try not to make this personal as it probably has nothing to do with you or your relationship.
- Crex,
^ Agreed.
One thing I forgot to mention, going along the lines of my first post - Porn is a private thing for a lot of people. We're taught at an early age (at least most of us) that it's wrong and shameful. Even if he was entirely comfortable with you in the relationship, it still might be hard for him to talk to you about and his first instinct might have been to lie if he felt like he was being shamed.
I know my mate watches porn and he'll still close the computer if I walk in on him on accident. I think it's kind of just a force of habit.
One thing I forgot to mention, going along the lines of my first post - Porn is a private thing for a lot of people. We're taught at an early age (at least most of us) that it's wrong and shameful. Even if he was entirely comfortable with you in the relationship, it still might be hard for him to talk to you about and his first instinct might have been to lie if he felt like he was being shamed.
I know my mate watches porn and he'll still close the computer if I walk in on him on accident. I think it's kind of just a force of habit.
We are taught growing up that masturbation is wrong and we should not indulge ourselves. All this does is teach us to lie and hide that we are doing it. Most people think of porn as prostitution, exploitation or sin. Males are primarily visual creatures so porn is appealing to us. Since men use porn to masturbate to, we hide learn to hide it too. It's the fear of social disapproval that keeps us lying about it. We don't want anyone to know the twisted stuff that gets us off, it's our deep dark secret. The porn industry primarily caters to men, straight and gay alike. Have you noticed that straight and gay porn have one thing in common, big cocks. How do you explain gang bang or double penetration scenes in straight porn? It's cause we get off on it and it's our dirty little secret. I say leave it alone, let us get off in private or watch it with us.
I mean honestly, who doesn't watch porn? Seriously and even if you say you don't... you do. lol thing is, im just a horny as any guy I know, Im pretty bad, worse than most but nobody knows it (except my exs)cuz im in hiding lol So when he or she (I'm Bi people lol)is watching porn, I prob am too ha ha. The only time when it becomes a problem is when you are replacing it with your relationships or making your partner feel like there not worthy because of what you see in movies, internet, etc. That's when its a problem because that's not cool, there's a difference between fantasy and real life. whats the point of having a fantasy lol
thanks everyone. we been together for 14 months and its a closed relationship, I have no problem with him looking at porn, I enjoy porn every once in awhile myself, i guess the fact the he wasnt honest and denied it even with proof, thats what bothered me, I am cool with it as long as I know we will be sleeping next to eachother at night anyway and maybe can watch porn together.....lol I just hope hes as open about it as I am....
So that means that you confronted him about the porn? How did that go? Did you sound mad? Appalled?
This is actually a more complicated question than just whether porn is okay or not, or if hiding porn is okay or not. It also depends on what kind of porn it is. If it's something that the two of you don't do, or if he's watching porn involving people who don't resemble you (ie, he's exhibiting attraction to a different type), or if it's a fetish that he's ashamed of or he's not ready to tell you about or that he's afraid you'll react badly to, then those are all different situations. Now if it's just regular ole hard pounding, I don't see why he would deny it. I'm just saying that the circumstances change everything.
I'm the one who brought up finding TheBF's porn. I forgot how it happened exactly, but he didn't do a good job of hiding it. He left a window open on his computer with porn on it. It wasn't the top window, but it's not like I went through his history or his bookmarks or anything. That night I started teasing him about it. I had this big grin on my face and I told him that I found some porn on his computer and I watched it. He immediately looked appalled and said, "Oh god, some of that stuff I just watched because it was weird. I'm not into that stuff!" I didn't have a clue what he was talking about, but I've done the same thing. You start watching porn that turns you on, but then you see a weirdly titled one and it makes you curious, not in a "I want to try that" sort of way, in the "What the hell?" kind of way. The porn he left open was the stuff I would expect would turn him on. He has very simple tastes, but he's powerfully attracted to what he likes. I wasn't surprised by anything I saw, but his reaction to thinking that I saw whatever weird thing he was talking about was hilarious.
Maybe that's what is going on with your guy. He didn't think he could explain why he'd click on something weird that he's really not into, so he went for denial instead. Or maybe you seemed like you were fishing for a fight, so he thought you were mad he watched porn. Or maybe he really is into something that he doesn't feel that you'd accept and he doesn't want to be shamed or rejected. Or maybe his last boyfriend had a problem with porn, so he wants to avoid the same issues cropping up again with you. There's a lot of different possibilities.
The only issue I've ever had is when he's able to watch porn and jerk off three times in one day, but when I try to initiate sex, he's not in the mood for it. In other words, if porn/hand is usually winning out over me in terms of sex, then I think there's a problem that needs to be addressed.
That's true.
The only time I ever remember feeling hurt over his porn watching was when I started getting big when I was pregnant and the baby had begun to kick, which creeped TheBF out, and we were having less sex than ever. I think it was a weekend when we were both at home. I caught him in his office watching porn and masturbating, and instead of just asking if I could watch, too, I felt hurt and I pouted a little bit and I said, "You know that I'm just downstairs. You could come downstairs and have sex with me... if you wanted..." because I was being pitiful. He hugged me and was sympathetic and then he fucked me, and those three things made it all better.
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