Break the Silence

D_Barbi_Queue

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I'll admit that mine definitely affected my trust in people. I still have an inherent distrust in men, and especially when one is around my two little boys.
 

B_Stronzo

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sexycobra said:
Stronzo, my feeling from reading your post is that this definitely constitutes abuse. Some forms of child abuse are perhaps less traumatic for the child than others are (it's obviously your case), but I don't think that the criteria for defining abuse should be whether the child felt pressured, threatened, repulsed or forced to do something he/she doesn't want to do.

My definition is: having sexual activities, of any kind, with an underage person constitutes abuse. Period. What's wrong is the adult using his/her power and authority over someone who is too young/not mature enough to understand what's happening and to object - from that viewpoint it is irrelevant whether the child actually suffers and is thereatened or not, although it goes without saying that some agressions are much more severe and traumatizing than others.

Thanks cobra. I appreciate your take. I have mixed feelings about my situation. I felt surely that someone would say what happened to me was abuse and perhaps it is techinically but as in most things the degree, situation, severity and circumstance influences the effect. Such, I suspect, is the case with me.


And indeed adults "abuse" power in many forms with their children. Being a too strict disciplinarian is one sure form. Force-feeding them one specific religion is easily another.

The nature of the parent-child or adult-child relationship is one of near autocracy so it's pretty hard to wrap absolutes around it in my opinion.

Either way, it's not something I dwell on nor do I wish to make into anything more or less than what it was.
 

D_Barbi_Queue

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I forgot to chime in on Stronzo's case...

I agree with Sexy too. While I also have a very best friend who's boys I would take care of and treat lovingly in a heartbeat, I find it odd that she took her time and I'd feel even more odd undressing in front of them at that age. I'm already having a hard time undressing in front of my 4 year old. And even though I would feel comfortable enough to wash all areas of them, I certainly would do the more private parts quickly....although at age 7 I would expect them to be able to do it on their own.
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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Me too, when I was 4 and again at 8. The worst part was when my parents called me a liar. In anger, I spewed forth in gory detail to my father and we haven't spoken of it since. For the record, the first perps were friends of his (a man and a woman). I've had lots and lots of therapy and this is as adjusted as I'm going to get. I think all child molesters should be castrated and I'm ready to defend that statement to anyone.
 

B_Stronzo

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TexAssgirl said:
I forgot to chime in on Stronzo's case...

I agree with Sexy too. While I also have a very best friend who's boys I would take care of and treat lovingly in a heartbeat, I find it odd that she took her time and I'd feel even more odd undressing in front of them at that age. I'm already having a hard time undressing in front of my 4 year old. And even though I would feel comfortable enough to wash all areas of them, I certainly would do the more private parts quickly....although at age 7 I would expect them to be able to do it on their own.

It wasn't about washing. That's clear. It was sexual. I'm sure of it.

And yes TexAssgirl, I understand how you feel. I just didn't walk away feeling abused or harmed. I am only retelling my own personal take on it and after all it happened to me, no one else.

We can examine everyone's motives 'til the cows come home but in the end no one truly fits the same human mould. We're all different as are our reactions.

Perhaps she was and "abuser" but I wasn't abused if I walked away from it unharmed. That's my reaction to it all these years later and I know the situation first-hand.
 

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TexAssgirl said:
I still have an inherent distrust in men, and especially when one is around my two little boys.
I guess we can only see things through the light of our own experience. I've had my share of negative experiences with women, most of them white and (upper) middle-class. Some of them straight up embarrassed me. These broads truly have a glitch in their motherfucking brain stem.
 

dolf250

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I thankfully was never assaulted/molested. I know far too many people who were and in some cases they were able to get their lives back in order, in many cases they are either dead or on their way there. My ex-stepfather had a really shitty childhood. I do not know all the details, but he was sent to the residential schools set up for natives in Canada where he was sexually abused numerous times. (I do not think that the school was the only time/place where it occurred.) His mother drank while pregnant (as I understand it this means that no matter how hard he tries he is less likely to beat the alcohol.) And he was kicked out before the age of 16. All of his brothers and most of his cousins died violent premature deaths and he is (once again) in counselling for addiction. I also know several ladies who are prostitutes and I would say that most were abused when they were younger. Only a few of them had what would be considered a “healthy” childhood.
It is good to see that we have so many members who are fighters and survivors. People who grew up to have a good life and beat their past. Thanks for starting the topic and posting the info Lex. I never know quite what to say when somebody has shared their past with me. I know most people dont want me offering my sympathies or apologies (I said “sorry” once and was told that it was not the right choice of words as I was not the perpetrator.) I think that perhaps this lack of knowing what to say or do is at least in part responsible for the fact that most of us try to not to confront it head on (particularly if we were never victims.)
 

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Props to everyone who posted their stories so that we could be reminded of how serious and prevalent this problem is. I'm impressed by your courage, and continually saddened by how sick some people are.
 

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Appreciate your posting this topic Lex--just hoping some day in the not too distant future I really will come to terms with all of what happened (both when I was intoxicated and when I was not). Every time I think I finally strangled the demons forever they come fighting back tougher than ever as was found out by me a few months back when I ended up destroying what little was left of my life. The lingering shame of what happened (especially those times when I was inebriated and in my twisted mind asking for it--nobody EVER asks for this and I need to get that into my thick skull) has left me constantly on edge, trusting nobody to this day for more than a few minutes since I am convinced that the world knows and blames me. Someday I'll find the ability to move forward. So far the biggest progress was when I got past the point of wishing to God that they had killed me off. Life may not always be grand but at least I still have it--so there has been mild progress.

Again, thanks for the post and also the helpful links.
 

Lex

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Onslow--we are all in this together man. You are not alone. None of us is.

We all struggle with inner demons and will probably be haunted until we die.
For me, I struggled with these questions:
  • Was I attacked because I was queer (and did not realize it)?
  • Am I queer because I was attacked?
  • Had I not been attacked, would I have figured out being queer earlier (Did the attack force me to repress my queerness)?
I know the above questions are preposterious and I struggled with them anyway.


My story:
I was playing outside and was called over by Bill (my cousin James' buddy) becasue he wanted to give me a message for james. Bill and James were probably around 17 or so and I was about 11, IIRC. Bill was sitting on the top step (quite a ways up) and I noticed his cock. He was wearing shorts and was freeballing and there it was. He caught me looking and chided me. No big deal. Or so I thought.

Later that day, I was in my room with my cousin when james came bursting in.

"I heard about you today" he said as he started pounding me.
He eventually, pushed me face down on the bed, assaulting me until he was rock hard, hitting me, pretending to fuck me, and yelling things like "Is THIS what you want--fucking cock watcher!! HUH? Is it??!"

"Look at what you did!!" he said, making me look at his erection. "YOU DID THIS!!"
"FAGGOT!!"
"If I ever catch you looking at someone's cock again, I'll fucking kill you!"

I hate him for that.
 

naughty

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Lex,

What a nasty coward. He probably had homoerotic feelings himself and was projecting them on you a curious little boy. NO doubt that was a set up from jumpstreet. Judging from your baby pictures, you have always bordered on pretty and some people do not know how to handle the attraction they feel. Sweetie, that just hurts me to my heart. This is a case where the good did not die young.


Naughty
 

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naughty said:
Lex,

What a nasty coward. He probably had homoerotic feelings himself and was projecting them on you a curious little boy. NO doubt that was a set up from jumpstreet.
Sure seems like it.

Slightly off-topic, have you ever noticed how closet gays make it a point to stay away from alcohol/drugs?
 

Onslow

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Dr. Dilznick said:
Slightly off-topic, have you ever noticed how closet gays make it a point to stay away from alcohol/drugs?


They do?

Speaking from my closeted (married twice) days I drank more weekly than any normal human being would in a lifetime (I didn't get to the drugs until after the accident at which point I became pals with several deadly pain killers). In my out of the closet days (now) I have met up with several men who are secretive and married and heavily into drugs and booze--and are also more than willing to beat a homosexual to a bloodied pulp when their (the 'hetero') mans friends are around. These guys are more than slightly in the closet. Maybe I just hang out with the wrong crowd--


Or were you refering to carpenter types of gay men who build closets? They tend not to drink mainly because of the dangers of mixing alcohol and circular saws and other bladed equipment.
 

BBB2.5

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It was really brave of you to share your past with us. I know it can be difficult, but once you let it all out in the open. You are on your way. This is no mistake. You have turned out to be a caring, concerned gentlemen.
A Great Big Hugg...( LEX )
bbb2.5
:tongue:
 

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Sorcerer said:
Quite the opposite. The self-hatred has nowhere to go and must be medicated.
I meant in public. Wasn't Dr. Dre for the most part a pretty sober dude, like he admitted he didn't really smoke weed, probably because he'd probably relax and start talking some high-minded free love type shit. Remember that "I'm so drunk right now with Kurt Loder" bit? Anyone here who saw that shit knows what I'm talkin about.

This theory is still a work in progress.
 

madame_zora

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Thanks Lex for your bravery and honesty in bringing up this important topic. I'd think a good many of us here had been molested or raped, because people who are victimised are more likely to be seeking answers, especially where our sexuality is concerned. I hope this is one of the functions of this board, as a support group.

I was abducted, raped and cut on for several hours when I was in my 20's. The guy was a stranger, but the bad part was that I was already being stalked by an insane ex-boyfriend. The crazy ex started impersonating the rapist on the phone and in notes, so I actually thought I was being stalked by both of them at the same time. I had to go to both first and second grade with my daughter to keep him from kidnapping her, and I was even homeless for a time.

I echo the sentiments of everyone else who said I don't often talk about it (anymore) because I really don't need or want sympathy, it's just something that happened in my life. I put a lot of hours into counselling and self-help, and it played a part in my eventually quitting drinking.

Anyone who think's there's no way back, even if you happen to be in a horrific situation, I just want to let you know- there is. Each of us has inside us everything we need to repair our brokenness, but it begins with self-acceptance and understanding that we did not cause the events. Knowing that made me feel powerful in affecting my recovery, and so I hope it is, or can be, for others.
 

dolf250

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I just re-read my post and read Mme.Z’s post and realize that my first post was not really positive and rather seemed as though I believed that once somebody is a victim they are a victim for life. It was only meant to show the possible long term destructive effects of abuse if it is left to linger. My step father had no counselling until the last year. I know first hand of many people who have made it out and live healthy well-adjusted lives despite the abuse that occurred. I (presently) work in the not for profit sector during the day and see people who have suffered horribly make it through some very dark times with addiction, suicide and self-esteem issues. Some who are immigrants and were raped and made to watch while their family was slaughtered. Some who were abused in one way or another from a young age and some who were unfortunate enough to wind up with “the wrong guy” (and though people do not realize it happens very often- the wrong girl.) All stories could break your heart, and yet I have learned that people can get through anything with friends, determination and often help from outside sources.
I really hope that this clarifies my position. I truly did not mean to seem so negative on the first post.
 

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TexAssgirl said:
The average serial child molester has between 360-380 victims in his lifetime.

What a sobering and terrifying statistic. I can't even begin to get my head around that.

I am so proud of everyone here who has found the courage and generosity to share his or her abuse experience. As has been said here, community and compassionate support can encourage the recovery process. I wonder how many out there have simply never been told "it's not your fault"?

I've worked in adult ed for fifteen years now, and during that time I've worked with a shocking number of victims of abuse, people whose lives were derailed by the heinous acts of another. Heck, our prisons are full of sexual abuse victims who have found themselves on a path of destruction to others as well as themselves as a means of dealing with the pain.

I can't count the number of times I've had grown men (some of them felons who have done terrible things themselves) break down in tears as they let it out, sometimes for the first time. I'm not sure there's anything more disarming than a situation like that---seeing someone whose life has truly become a shambles over this sort of thing and who has had neither the opportunity nor the emotional, financial, and interpersonal resources necessary to cope in a healthy manner.

Realizing that makes me even more proud of the work you guys are doing to heal those wounds. You have my undying respect and appreciation.

:hug: