Break up but be friends?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by thirtyseven, Jun 16, 2011.

  1. thirtyseven

    thirtyseven New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2011
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Just wondering out there.. how many of you are still friends on good terms with exes out there?

    How would this be possible for you? Meaning, how did the relationship end, and yet you are able to maintain a friend relationship. Also, what are some no-no's that ruined a relationship and you can't be friends ?

    I'm wondering this because... My ex stupidly got drunk on his birthday ( We have a long distance relationship and I couldn't be there at the time). He ended up being pissed out drunk and he's a top. But he got butt-fucked on his birthday and just long story short, he kept it secret for a while until I dumped him and the beans spilled.

    I want to be friends, he's a good guy, messed up once, didn't tell me immediately because he knew I'd be gone in a heart beat. But I don't know if we can be friends or if I'm going to ever fully let go of what happened. The accident mess up, not so much the issue, the lying about it was the issue..

    I kind of want to maintain contact, but I feel like, the scar is too deep. Gotta let it go.. But nothing's set in stone!

    Shared my story, what about yours?
     
  2. hitro

    hitro Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2011
    Messages:
    49
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    31
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Slovenia
    It depends on what terms you ended the relationship.

    For me, cheating is a no-go, so I wouldn't stay friends with an ex if she cheated. I believed her, and she betrayed my trust.
    Happened to me a while ago, a long-distance relationship, and out of the blue, she tells me that she can't take it anymore, blah blah. One week later, I found out that while we were dating, she messed around with someone. That same guy is now her boyfriend.

    My point is, I'm going to say hello to her, out of sheer politeness, cause I'm bound to bump into her someday, but I'm not going to maintain a close friendship, cause she doesn't deserve it, no matter what kind of person she is.
     
  3. thirtyseven

    thirtyseven New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2011
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    It ended in their odd behaviour because of all the guilt and shame and self-hate they had for themself. That behaviour eventually unintentionally shut me out and the relationship couldn't go on. Which eventually lead to me understanding why everything went wrong and finding out the truth.
     
  4. NightFish

    NightFish Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2008
    Messages:
    533
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    90
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Maine (US)
    I used to do good with my exes. hanging out, playing cards. Once the weather got colder I always ended up in the sack with them and then it ended badly.
     
  5. pinf

    pinf New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2008
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Has always ended in sex for me
     
  6. I23

    I23 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2010
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    The only contact I've ever had with an ex has been unexpectedly passing them in the street (in which case I try to be polite to them, without getting actually involved in a conversation), and once I texted an ex for advice (I was thinking of going into the same career as she had just qualified for and we split up on -relatively- decent terms, so seemed the go-to place to ask about the job), it's generally gone well. Another ex of mine texts me every few months or so trying to "just be mates" but I just ignore it now, she is a bit of a bunny-boiler and has come out with some strange strange stuff. I've never managed to maintain a friendship with an ex, just found it never really works. I guess the exception could be if you were good friends in the first place for a decent length of time before getting romantically involved, might be easier to go back to that, but I've not been in that situ.

    I think you can tell quite a bit from someone about how they refer to their ex's. I don't see any reason not to be civil to someone who is civil to you, but there again there are some who are the type it is best to not have any contact with whatsoever, good luck telling the difference. You've also got to bear in mind the feelings of whoever you might be with at the time on the whole thing.

    It's also worth drawing those boundaries in your own mind so you don't end up overstepping them and ending up where you've been before - remember, there's a good reason why they are your ex and not your 'current' in the first place!
     
    #6 I23, Jun 16, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2011
  7. Gecko4lif

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2010
    Messages:
    2,294
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    26
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pensacola , Fl
    All my exes love me. Gift and a curse.
     
  8. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Europe
    The only way I could be friends with an ex is through a natural progression where I realised that our interactions were healthy and pleasurable.

    I've had bad experiences in going the let's be friends route, actually taking it seriously, arranging to do things and such only to see that the ex isn't keeping up his part of the bargain. And to experience his anger when I stop.

    I don't think asking for someone's friendship is a smart thing. So they say yes, then where do you go after that? If you want to be friends with your ex, then simply suggest doing something together and see how it goes.
     
  9. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    7,871
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3,781
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Florida
    I wish I were closer to my ex-husband so I could stab him in the heart easier. A mixed blessing that he's underground now: one, I don't get to see him ever again, but two, he owes tens of thousands of dollars in back child support. Please no advice on how to collect. The asshole's an expert at evading everything after five judgments.

    Now, I do have ex-boyfriends that I talk to every so often, especially when I go back to Austin to visit. Went for my high school reunion a couple of years ago, and while I only really dated one guy in school (my ex) I met a few of my classmates who wish I weren't going steady and wanted to ask me for a date then. Disturbingly they asked me for a date at the reunion... with my husband by my side... and they were married! "You know, just for old time's sake." WTF!!! I couldn't answer and my husband just laughed.

    One of my exes in Atlanta is married to a friend of mine, so I kind of have to see him by default when I visit her. Not too awkward, but a bit of a reality stretch.
     
  10. Osiris1234

    Osiris1234 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    0
    Don't take this the wrong way but were you the type of girl who went after the badboys in school because you wanted to have "fun" then after you finally got out of school and you then married the the guy but it turns out he couldn't provide for you or your kid so you left him (or he left you). Then when you went to the high school reunion you were hoping to find one of those guys who you didn't like back then because he wasn't popular or hot or was a nice guy but now you like him because he i actually making bank and can provide financial security.

    Im not saying it is true but ive seen this so many times. It actually happened to one of my very good friends but he knew better. He never really got dates much in high school and in college and all the girls he asked out turned him down because they wanted to have "fun" and go after the badboys. Then when he reached 30 he was making like half a million a year and now had a wife who could literally be considered a model. So when his high school reunion came up most of the girls who he asked out were single and had kids because they chose these guys to marry. So while his wife was gone to mingle with other people the girls who turned him down and started talking to him one at a time. They used the whole "You know I used to like you back then" and asked him if he would like to go out. He just said to them "If you liked me so much you would have asked me then, so why are you asking me out on a date now?" Then they would use some bullshit excuse saying they were dumb,etc. He just laughed and told them sorry but he now has a beautiful wife. The girls had lost their looks so bad while my buds new wife was beyond amazingly beautiful compared to the other girls.
     
  11. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    2,874
    Likes Received:
    42
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta GA
    I usually don't have contact with exes but the last one, which lasted almost 4 years, ended when I found out that he cheated - several times apparently. But he worked for me and while I tossed him out of the house he stayed on at work because to fire him would have been downright stupid - he actually brought a lot of value to the company. He's that good of a worker. The company was folded into a larger company and I was made a Senior Manager. He still worked for me but it lasted a year and I quit. Two reasons: the company was going down the tubes because funding from the American parent company stopped coming and because he was become impossible to work with. The people coming in from Chicago thought he was the best thing since slice bread and it went to his head. He started telling me how to do my job, criticizing me, asking about my private life, calling me constantly etc. I quit and have decided to move back to the US - in part just to get away from him. I know that's giving up a lot of power to him but that seems the only way to 'escape'. Now that he knows I'm moving he's talking about wanting the remaining shares of my company AND moving to the US too! What the hell is his problem? I've done everything but tell him to fuck off and die.
     
    #11 B_thickjohnny, Jun 17, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2011
  12. Catharsis

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2011
    Messages:
    988
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    165
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York, NY
    Verified:
    Photo
    I'm not on bad terms with either of my exes, but I don't keep in touch with my first girlfriend. My most recent relationship (that ended almost a year ago, so it's not so "recent") started as a growing friendship, and that's how it ended after just over eight months, when we decided that our relationship shouldn't be anything more than a great friendship. We're on very good terms with each other: there's no awkward, post-relationship, "my ex is sitting three feet away from me" feelings, and we still hang out with all our other friends.
     
  13. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    2,874
    Likes Received:
    42
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta GA
    I think that when you break up with someone you should cut off all communication, period. It's really the only way to move on. Then, after some time has passed (and you'll know when) you might be able to be friends but not before.
     
  14. Catharsis

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2011
    Messages:
    988
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    165
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York, NY
    Verified:
    Photo
    Well, in my case anyway, the relationship was starting to become awkward for us considering we were such great friends beforehand, I believe it to be one of the reasons we didn't have sex more than twice. Moving beyond our friendship was probably a bad decision in the first place, though.

    It was a very mutual decision to be just friends - there wasn't really anything to get over. :rolleyes:
     
  15. Countryguy63

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    14,488
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,447
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    near Monterey, Calif.
    Verified:
    Photo
    My ex wife is Satan itself, and there will never be any type of good feelings towards it.

    My ex girlfriend and I are very good friends. My daughter probably hangs with her more than me, lol :redface:

    I really only have contact with one former gf previous to geting married and we're on very good terms. We don't see each other often, but we'll hang out together if we end up being at the same place.
     
  16. D_Rufus_D_Dufus

    D_Rufus_D_Dufus Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2010
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    0
    Tried it and didn't work out for me. If I run into them somewhere we say hello, engage in some small talk, say goodbye and go separate ways.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted