Break-up to make-up, the proverbial middle ground.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by marleyisalegend, Aug 13, 2008.

  1. marleyisalegend

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    Just broke up with my partner of three years. There were good times (trips to the beach, shopping sprees, sitting at the airport overpass) and there were awful times (put a gun to my head, pulling knives on me, a 6 month affair). I don't feel like a victim because I CHOSE to stay with him, and don't have a single regret.

    Anywho, we've been living together for several years, and would sporadically become that break-up/make-up couple. The one that breaks up for about a day then gets back together. This time it's a bit more permanent. I've moved back in with my parents while I'm searching for a new place with a friend, and I think the simple fact that we're no longer living together makes it easier to say "This time it's fo' real". We've texted back and forth a bit but I genuinely feel free from the situation, I want to be a friend to him cuz I still love him but I'm not IN love with him anymore.

    I dunno, it just feels weird knowing that it's definitely over, although there is a liberation that was never there in our occassional "This time I mean it, we're really breaking up!" incidents.

    I don't have any intentions of gettin' back with him, but anybody (gay or straight, male or female) ever been in one of those situations where you break up Monday and you're back together Tuesday, breakup in June and you're back together in July? I'm sure sometimes it ends up working out, but it's needless to say that it's probably better to exit when one of you starts using "I'm gonna leave you" as leverage. Can we say "codependency"?
     
  2. surprise

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    Yes, unfortunately. I am going through this right now. Just as you, I don't regret a single moment.

    I feel that a new chapter is starting in my life. I haven't made a final decision, just yet, on how to proceed but in time I will know.
     
  3. invisibleman

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    Well I think that you should grieve or make peace with it. Move on and make new friends.

    You are exes for a reason. Friends...I dunno. I am not friends at all with my exes.
     
  4. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Went through it over and over and over and over again with my ex gay best friend. It was horrible. I'm still in love with him, even though he is wayyyy done with the situation.
     
  5. marleyisalegend

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    Yup. People who aren't willing to accept the good with the bad might find themselves unhappy due to unrealistic expectations.

    I have moved on, the break-up/make-up thing is something of the past, we're definitely over now since we don't even live together. I certainly have exes I don't call, but when you spend 3 years loving someone, friendship is a reasonable compromise.
     
  6. killerb

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    The problem with trying to remain friends with an ex is that sometimes you don't have enough time or space to deal with the loss of the romantic part of the relationship...lines can be blurred...old feelings can return...it can be a messy thing to deal with...

    It had always been my policy that once I'm done, I'm done...but once, after a long relationship, I tried the "let's still be friends" thing...sadly, there were some hidden feelings (not on my side) that weren't revealed until later, and the "friendship" definitely suffered for it...imagine a "friend" exhibiting "psycho jealous girlfriend" behavior unexpectedly...definitely not a good thing...

    From now on, I will keep to my original M.O. and if there are any future exes, they will ONLY be exes...
     
  7. marleyisalegend

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    I understand some people might find it difficult to remain platonic after a break-up, but it's not really a problem for me. I realize that everything we had was memories, I appreciate them but I don't obssess over them.

    Definitely been there, but with this guy, we're both above that kinda trivial "he's still my property" mentality. We're both adults and realize that both of us will sooner or later be dating other people. I think if you're mature enough, it's possible to be friends with an ex. I know people that have been divorced for decades but still remain good friends. A relationship ending doesn't always have to mean the friendship does.
     
  8. Not_Punny

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    Breaking up is hard to do.... (Hey. - there's a song in that!)

    Almost all my exes are friends with me. Easy-pie! (If you're over it, you're over it.) (Although one of them it took me a year to get over it. But I succeeded!)
     
  9. 007baby

    007baby Active Member

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    They say it gets better... I happen to be heart broken and utterly abandoned at this point in my journey... don't understand the lack of loyalty and commitment in some people... we're all flawed, and none of us are more or less imperfect and sinful than anyone... keep growing, looking inside you and recognize what you did wrong and humbly own up to it... forgive, love, and forgive... move forward (even if it means moving on for now)... once everyone's healed, if God wants it, and if you give it up to Him, you guys will reconcile, but... keep the faith is all I can really advise... trust in the lord.
     
    #9 007baby, Aug 14, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2008
  10. marleyisalegend

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    That sucks, sounds like she really strung you along, I wonder if she truly had intentions of soul-searching and coming back to you. Sometimes people are more attracted to the wrong one than the right one.
     
  11. 007baby

    007baby Active Member

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    Yeah... well, like I said in my re-write... I'm not judging her, and am forgiving her everyday so that I don't become consumed with bitterness... I've learned alot about my self and my own flaws... I'm just going to continue focusing on the future and what God wants for me... love and trust bro... it's what we all should do. At the end of the day, it's not the absence of accountability that brings happiness, but the grace we receive from those we hurt that empowers us to love better and be better and more complete as human beings... we're all imperfect, and whether we know it or not, without the grace of our Father, we're totally broken and lost... that's my truth anyway.
     
  12. invisibleman

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    My exes and I agree that we definately do not feel that friendship is an option. We have evolved ourselves to the point of not desiring a friendship. (Okay, I have evolved myself to the point of not desiring a friendship with them. That even extends to "sex with the ex" privileges. :biggrin1:)
     
  13. marleyisalegend

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    That's the best route to take. Friendship (if that's what you desire) is certainly plausible when both parties forgive one another. Forgiveness is, to me, one of the most noble concepts.

    At first I was worried cuz you seemed a bit distraught, but it sounds like you've got a good grip on things. After break-ups, some people look backwards, not foward. And put their life on hold for the sake of obssessing over someone. Kudos to you for having your priorities in check.
     
  14. 007baby

    007baby Active Member

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    Thanks bro. It's still hard sometimes not to look back and wonder, but things are still fresh and all things considered I think it's normal to mourn for a while, but like you said, you got to consciously tell yourself to look ahead and do what you have to in order to move on and heal. Sounds like you're doing the same (and it helps that you aren't IN love with your partner anymore...), so that is good for you bro, guess now you have to allow your ex to do the same for you, that is get over you. I think once both parties have healed and gotten over each other, and reconciliation has occurred, then friendship is definitely possible.
     
  15. killerb

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    I do think it's possible to remain friends if both of you are truly done & over it...

    but if one SAYS they're ok w/ being friends but is not really over it, it can be a really bad thing...
     
  16. marleyisalegend

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    Amen. They might SAY they're over it, but as soon as they run into you with your new love interest they go berserk. Some people just can't handle it.
     
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