Breaking up survey

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by GI SUPRISE, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. GI SUPRISE

    GI SUPRISE New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2007
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    About 5 hours ago my boyfriend of 14 months told me that he has been cheating on me for the past 6 months. He said that he loves me and that sex with other guys means nothing to him; "it's just sex." He said he wants us to have an open relationship. I am very big on monogomy and have never cheated. I have also grown very fond of the guy over the course of our relationship.

    Break Up? or Let him sleep around?

    Just want to see what the group feeling is on here about monogomy.
     
  2. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2007
    Messages:
    3,337
    Likes Received:
    8
    There are a few people here into swinging etc. Its an individual thing. But if you don't condone cheating, don't accept. I don't like cheating and never do it because apparently I'm just a puppy. Loyal as a dog :tongue: I lick my balls and piss on lamp posts too!

    Anyway, would probably best to break up and move on if he doesn't meet your criteria.
     
  3. jakobshay68

    jakobshay68 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    R U Kidding tell him its Me or nothing, find some one who LOVES YOU!!!
    Never settle for less, Keep your Ways, Who knows what STD he could bring home to you. Its not worth it..
     
  4. jakobshay68

    jakobshay68 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    I Meant to say YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN SECOND BEST.
     
  5. Osiris

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2007
    Messages:
    2,725
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wherever the dolphins are going
    Unless you are going to change your mind on monogamy or he change his mind on cheating, you are destined for pain and failure.

    ScaredLittleBoy is right about the "swinger" quotient and only a select few members (who I might ad will also tell you have boundaries in that arena) have succesful relationships in the area. They can be very hard especially when the two people involved are not on the same page.

    I would say you are probably two wonderful people just on two seperate paths in relations right now. In this situation, he has already "cheated" on you and the swingers on this forum will tell you, you are ALWAYS told about what is going on before it happens. I think he is using "open relationship" as a red herring. Again, I'm not saying he is intrinsically bad, but he has lied to you. Cheating is lying.

    He is probably still very young and wants to play the field, nothing wrong with that except you do not get in a committal relationship or start dating someone who wants one.

    Be true to yourself. You are not a doormat and no one should be walking all over you. Get out of the relationship.

    NJQT would tell you her trademark right now:

    Doubt means Don't!
     
  6. jakobshay68

    jakobshay68 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Very Well put OSIRIS!!
     
  7. Osiris

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2007
    Messages:
    2,725
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wherever the dolphins are going
    Thanks. :smile: Just call it like I see it.
     
  8. MacBuddy01

    MacBuddy01 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2007
    Messages:
    16
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear GI Surprise,

    Osiris is so correct in his statement. My ex who I loved more than life itself, cheated on my big time. He got fucked up on coke, meth and alcohol one night of playing the field behind my back. He let five guys bareback him and he became infected with HIV. He didn't know how to tell me, about everything, the drug problem, the getting infected. He made my life a living hell for 6 months until I got a letter from the dept of health telling me that one of my sexual partner had tested positive for HIV and now had full blow AIDS...I must be tested. I showed the letter to him and he still denied it. Until I reminded him that in florida a person knowing having HIV and not disclose it to his partner can and will be charged with manslaughter as a minimum sentence. He broke down and told me everything. The drugs, the parties, the orgies. I felt betrayed big time. I got tested...HIV NEG...I'm a top which has a lower risk infection...don't know if true or not.

    But what hurt me the most was after we broke up and people found out about the break up...how many of our friends would tell me that they were sorry and that they hope it wasn't cause of one of them sleeping with my ex..so the moral of this story was I wasn't just betrayed by my ex, but also but most of our friends.

    it's been Five years since the break up and I'm still NEG and I will never put myself through that ever again. I'm a great man with a lot to give to a greater man. And someone who cheats, truly doesn't love you. If you don't set your standards and truly respect yourself...then who will? Hope you find someone who really would show you what LOVE is!

    Best to you buddy!
     
  9. braumeister

    braumeister New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2007
    Messages:
    116
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    exiled to New England
    Osiris speaks the truth, listen to what he says.
     
  10. darkone

    darkone New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2006
    Messages:
    721
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    You should get out too just because you don't know he is sleeping with and might bring home something you don't want. You want someone you can trust.
     
  11. LongRod

    LongRod New Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2007
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NYC
    How lucky can you get. You have a wonderful boyfriend. At least he told you about his other affairs. Now it is up to you to put up with it or end the relationship. Understand this, he is not going to change. Furthermore, the risk of becoming HIV+ is far greater for him (and you) with him having affairs with men as opposed to other women. I, like you, happen to believe in a monogomous relationship. There is no reason for you to comprimise your values and standards just to maintain this relationship. If you find him likable, perhaps you should be good friends.....There is no need for you be in a relationship with him which is going to just be filled with frustration and misery. I don't know how you could continue in a relationship not knowing what infections you might be exposing yourself to each time you are intimate with him.

    It doesn't take much thought to know what you should do with this relationship.
     
  12. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2007
    Messages:
    5,008
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles, California
    This is a cool thread. I definitely don't think that "cheating" is always a deal breaker unless the other person is lying to you. If you really love your friend and the feeling is mutual, it may be worth the effort to talk things out. To me honest communication is the best way to find out the truth of your situation. All the best.

    Love isn't always easy.
     
  13. wldhoney

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2007
    Messages:
    1,176
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    U.S.
    For myself, cheating in itself is a deal breaker, not because I believe the person will always be dishonest, but because I would always wonder. There are those who can get past it and become stronger. Once you decide to move forward, however, you should not use the past against the person.

    That part aside, cheating is different than an open relationship. The question is, is it something you can live with on a consistent basis? Will it bother you? Will you always wonder if he likes the other person better, if he is going to leave you, is he being honest about his feelings?

    An open relationship requires a lot of trust and communication. If you are an insecure or jealous person, or if you start to feel resentful, or believe you have more invested emotionally, it will usually not work.

    It has to be something YOU want, not a sacrifice you are making for another. Otherwise, the relationship is no longer balanced, and can destroy self-esteem and cause a tremendous amount of pain, which you are basically inflicting on yourself.

    I know a number of people in open relationships. Some are very successful, and some are headed for a break-up or have done so already.

    You need to stick to what is right for YOU.
     
  14. SensualGoth

    SensualGoth New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2007
    Messages:
    217
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    San Antonio, Texas
    you nailed it ... Without Communication, there is nothing .... learned that recently...broke my heart.
     
  15. AttemptingZen

    AttemptingZen New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2006
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Lehigh Acres, FL
    I'm just gonna echo what most here have already said... I don't even think this is a question of whether or not you should swing. This is really more of a trust issue at this point. If you guys stayed together but had an open relationship, ask yourself honestly at this point whether or not you feel that you could completely trust him to tell you what he does on the side? I've been cheated on (multiple times :sigh:) and I can say now without a doubt it's a deal breaker for me. I can deal with most anything as long as I can trust you. Once that's gone, we're done.
     
  16. arliss

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2,780
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    leave....let him go ..he probably admitted such because he feels trapped..and wants so me breathing space..this oftentimes happens when one person is in love and the other is not..there becomes a strain on the person who is ''just there"...get out ...let him go...d not be used for convenience...
     
  17. nudeyorker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    42,918
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NYC/Honolulu
    Umm...you both need to talk to see that both of your needs are met. MY current BF and I have a deal; if we want to sleep with someone else we are a package deal and we both have to agree to it. So far we prefer each other, but sometimes we fing 3-ways hot!
    Has to work for you though!
     
  18. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2004
    Messages:
    680
    Likes Received:
    82
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Midwestern US
    Even an open relationship has its boundaries that must be agreed upon first. If I were you, I'd have no faith that he would stick to them even if you would agree to an open relationship. He has already broken the agreed upon rules before, and it didn't seem to bother him much since he did it for 6 months. Even open relationships are based on trust. He has violated your trust repeatedly over the past six months. If you don't trust him anymore than the relationship is already over. If you do still trust him, then perhaps there is something left to work with, maybe. The question then becomes, will you be happy in an open relationship? Lastly, don't settle for less than you are worth. (Also, being fond of him is no reason to stay with him.)
     
  19. TheRob

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2007
    Messages:
    5,002
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    624
    it's a decission only you can make
    but I don't think it's fair for you to have to give up your monogomy for him having 'just sex'
     
  20. GI SUPRISE

    GI SUPRISE New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2007
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Just want to say that I love reading all the responses. It appears that the overwhelming majority supports monogomy here. That's great!

    Update: I broke up with him that night. We spoke several times and he has attempted to visit me several times. I recently stopped returning his phone calls. It has been a month and I still can't stop thinking about him. While I recognize that the relationship has ended I feel a complete and total sense of loss. This is the first time in my life that I have felt alone (even though I recognize that I am not). It's tough. I just wonder when am I gonna feel better and "get over him."

    Thanks again everyone!
     
Draft saved Draft deleted