breaking up

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by fogg098, Dec 1, 2010.

  1. fogg098

    fogg098 New Member

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    hi there...i've been a member of this forum for a while and thought this might be a good place to get some advice

    so i've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. and i do love him. i want him to be happy and the last thing i ever want is to see him hurt. however...things lately have been a bit rocky. i'm 23, he's 29, and he wants me to make him THE priority in my life. we don't live together, and right now i'm feeling like he really is pressuring me to move in with him. he talks about it almost every time we're together, says things like "oh that would be nice if WE had a place," or "that would look good in OUR place." And the thing is...i'm not ready. i'm not even out to my family, how would that work out if they visited? also, both of us are in school, and working full time, and the thought of making a relationship THE priority in my life does not seem practical for the both of us. and sexually...i'll admit i have lost intersest. i love to cuddle with him, but not really anything else.

    so my questions are...does it seem right that i have been seriously thinking of breaking this off? and, what is the best way to go about breaking up with someone you've seriously been with for more than a year? he's my first boyfriend and i've never been in a situation like this before. my friends say to end things, but i just feel torn. i don't want to hurt him, but i dont think things can work out.
     
  2. dangly

    Verified Gold Member

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    The best policy is to talk to him about it. Be honest about what's going on. But be straightforward and nonjudgmental about it; the last thing you want is for him to think that you're pushing him away when you're trying to reach out to him.

    That's the only way you're going to move forward.

    If things don't work out, they don't work out, but at least it's much better to see what you can make of the hand you're holding than to just walk away from it.
     
  3. curiouscam

    curiouscam New Member

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    If you are not ready to make that next step there is nothing wrong with that. Right now it may feel like you don't want to hurt him, but if you stay for that reason you will resent him eventually. Sounds like the lack of interest sexually is really secondary in the situation. You should talk to him though about all of it and let him know you are not ready to make him the sole focus of your life. No one should ever be the center of your world or your "focus" at all times anyway. That to me sounds very selfish on his part. If you think this can all be worked out and you are willing to put in the work then by all means you should. If you don't think you can or just don't want to then don't be afraid to call it quits. One day you will be ready for all of it and maybe that day is just not today. Best of luck whatever you decide
     
  4. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    If you break up with him, it will hurt him - no matter how you do it. But you need to put yourself first. Don't hang around in a relationship that no longer feels right to you
     
  5. erratic

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    All the above advice is spot-on. And dude, this is your first relationship. Of course you're not ready for what he's looking for. And that's fine.

    Like they said, be honest with him and understand that it's going to hurt in the short term, no matter the outcome. That's natural. That's human. But in the long term honesty and open communication are always the best.
     
  6. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    Your bf is pretty young and moving in together is probably something he has always wanted with a a partner. I agree discussing it with him now is the best way to go. Moving in together changes everything. It's so good you know this now. Best wishes
     
  7. XSILVER

    XSILVER Well-Known Member

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    Talk to him about everything mentioned above and be kind yet firm. Bring up all of your concerns and thoughts. Tell him that you are not ready what so ever to move in with him (or anyone for that matter). He can NOT be the priority in your life and he has to be ok with that. Who knows, he may not be able to accept that and may suggust to YOU that your both go seprate directions. All-in-all.... sit down with him and talk about what you are feeling and get it all out in the open befor making any decisions, give him a chance. Good luck what whatever avenue you choose and please let us know how it paned out.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    Two reasons to explain to him:
    1) you only like to cuddle with him nowadays, whether or not there is anyone else

    2) you are not 'out' yet and not ready to be 'out'.

    These are both good and reasonable reasons. Explain gently but calmly, and invite him to cuddle unofficially as much as before, but not more.
     
  9. fogg098

    fogg098 New Member

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    thing is that even though he's 29 he thinks he SOO OLD and is running out of time to find a meaningful and permanent relationship. i know that if i end things he's going to feel like he has no hope and his time is up (and i "know" this because he's said that to me before).

    thanks for all the advice everyone. i think my biggest problem is just actually DOING IT and talking to him about it. and honestly, i don't think i want to work things out. i want to get into grad school and a relationship is probably the last thing i need in my life right now.
     
  10. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    I think it's very smart of you to focus on your personal and professional development!! Please remember that your life is yours. You are only here once and school is one of the most valuable gifts that you will ever give yourself.

    You appear to be both sensitive and caring, and it will be painful to break off the relationship. But this is your life and letting someone hold you back and/or drag you down is never a healthy path to follow.

    You'll find the words to do this is a thoughtful and caring way. You already have the honesty and courage. Best wishes.
     
  11. curiouscam

    curiouscam New Member

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    One thing to remember is in the gay community youth is a commodity. It's not uncommon to look at your mid to late 20s as old, even though there is nothing further from the truth. I say that because it makes sense that he would feel that way however, his urgency to settle down just tells me he may want it for the wrong reasons. Not to actually be settled but to ensure he won't be alone. You can't concern yourself with how he will feel if you break up. Your reasons are valid and if he truly loves you he will understand that.
     
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