Although, if it's too much too soon, it may scare me off. It's a fine line.
Well, my post turned into a whole THING.
TL;DR I concur. It can be hard to tell the difference between an emotional leap of faith and some sheisty asshole, but I believe experience is a good teacher.
If you make it all the way through my stream of consciousness, thanks. And. Sorry. LOL
Too much too soon, and I will be triggered. It won't feel authentic to me. If it does seem authentic, I will worry about codependency. I have a tendency to make other people's problems my problem. I overwhelm myself. That's fine if the relationship is real. But if it's just to artificially instill a sense of intimacy, well, I've had my heart broken that way before.
I have written here before about a relationship I had with a probable sociopath. This was a warning sign I ignored. He was just so wonderful in every way. It was like he was made just for me to love. Of course, that was all an act. The goal was to make me fall in love, specifically to hurt me.
The most glaring example came about a month after I agreed, finally, to be exclusive. He saved my life. I will be forever grateful. We were in my old neighborhood, where I grew up. He went out to get me some food in the hope that would strengthen me. I had just had a diabetic emergency, and while my blood sugar was too low, a virus took root.
As I lay in bed, nearly delirious from fever, my phone seemed like it was going to explode. I got countless phone calls and texts from people who recognized my (very unique) name, but not the man in tears at the pizza shop, literally crying to my former neighbor (his cousin) "[AlteredEgo] cannot die! I love her so much! I love [AlteredEgo]." Or some such nonsense.
Though the words had not been exchanged, I did already love him. That trip, an urgent and complicated errand, was meant to test the strength of what we were building, and I planned to tell him I was in love with him at the end. I also felt loved. So, I wasn't put off by the declaration itself. The drama of it would have seemed contrived if it had been anyone else.
But when I had him explain his tattoos to me, I learned that his fiancee had been murdered while he was at boot camp. He did eventually marry someone else, but he said until his daughter was born, he had never loved anyone else quite as much. He just had not been open to it. His daughter had opened his heart and soul. He fell deeper in love with his wife.
Then, while he was on a deployment, his wife cheated on him. He forgave. Unfortunately, during another deployment, she became an addict. Then, during a later deployment, she left him. She took off with their daughter, and over a year passed before he found them. He won custody for a while, but then she won it back, probably because he was a single, active-duty Marine.
So, knowing he'd suffered these kinds of losses, and that I had only half an hour before been in the late stages of shock in front of him, I figured he was allowed to be dramatic. He really did take excellent care of me. Without his help, I probably would have died. No joke.
But no. It was too soon. I never loved and felt loved so deeply so quickly. I should have seen that, and the public spectacle a mere month or so after we decided to be a couple was a giant red flag. I caught it, too. But I let it go. I do not do that anymore.
Another man was trying to convince me we should be exclusive. Honestly, I think he just wanted me to agree to fluid bonding and unprotected sex. I wasn't open to any of that with him. He claimed to be an open book. Always said I could ask him anything. I always found his answers stilted, he was always holding back. I barely thought of him as a friend. Suddenly he goes mushy on me. He loves me. He has to be with me. He knows I'm his soul mate. Okay, Buddy. That's nice, but I do not know you. Buh-bye, Phony.
On the other hand, I had a friend-with-benefits tell me after the first time we had sex some of his deepest secrets. Some of it he told because he wanted me to sleep over, and he felt he needed to explain the source of his boundaries. I think he told the rest because of how I reacted to what he shared. He shared the first thing, and then immediately wanted to crack jokes and lighten the mood. I did not need that. I hushed him, pulled him close, and soothed him. With me, he knew, there would be peace, and no judgement. So, he vented his entire spleen.
The next day, we were in a serious car accident. There was a fatality. It was the jaywalking pedestrian or me. One of us was going to die. He made his choice and I lived. I soothed him then, too. We remained very close friends for a really long time. (Until he became a flat Earth theorist. I cannot abide that shit. I would still show up for him if he needed me. But I just cannot be around crazy. His is the craziest version of the theory I have ever heard. )
His confessions were intense, an unsual amount of vulnerability for the debut of a casual sex relationship. But he was the real deal.
Some years later, he had a stalker who tracked me down and said he was coming to kill me, and he was going to bring me to my friend and make him watch. I thought it was a hoax, called the guy a pussy, and then a pussyclaat. I asked him what kind of grown man has a beef with a dude, and then starts tracking down affiliated women. I took him seriously when he told me my address. He thought I was the main girlfriend, mother of his sons. We do kinda look alike. I did not correct him. I was afraid for the boys. He then said he wanted to keep me alive to watch him shoot Dude.
My friend showed up (with lots of rough back-up) to protect me. When the time came, he diffused the situation himself. Over the years, whenever I needed a friend, a real friend, he had my back. He was the genuine article from jump. Not like these other cats.
I like to think my experiences have taught me the difference. I guess time will tell.