bring it up or let it go?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by the_reverend, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. the_reverend

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    so i've been hanging out with this girl a lot in the last several months who i met a little over a year ago. we get along great and there's definitely an attraction there, but we pretty much decided when we first started hanging out more to just keep it at the friendship level because every other guy in her life is pretty much trying to date or sleep with her and i felt like she could use just a guy friend around with no agenda. since then, we spend so much time together and are so familiar with each other that many of our friends assume we're dating. which, minus the sexual component, is kind of true. in every other way, it feels like a relationship. we've joked about it often. there's a bit of an age difference, though, and she's said many times that sexually she just wants to play the field and have fun without anything serious right now and is worried if we took anything further, we'd ruin this amazing friendship.

    but now i find myself stuck in this kind of dilemma, where i don't know if i'm falling for her or if it's just the mixture of loving her as a friend plus being sexually attracted to her. i don't want to sacrifice our friendship if nothing's going to come of a more involved relationship, but i also worry that if i don't do anything our attraction is somehow going to interfere with the friendship anyway. and at my age i probably should be looking for something a bit more serious, or at least the beginnings of something more serious, which would probably mean scaling back our time together to keep from scaring off other potential girlfriends. it just feels like this nebulous in-between thing right now, and i'm starting to feel anxious about not being sure which way it's going to fall.

    we've never fooled around or anything. she did recently see me naked when she spent the night, which has oddly been on my mind a lot, but other than that and our standard level of flirtation with one another, nothing has happened. do i need to bring this up and air it out with her to figure out where we stand or should i just let it go and accept that nothing's going to happen now, or at least nothing good long term?

    (i've oddly been through this a number of times before in my life...so you'd think i'd know what to do by now. sigh...)
     
  2. WiltChamberlain

    WiltChamberlain New Member

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    what's the age difference
     
  3. jacko_9

    jacko_9 New Member

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    has she said anything about seeing you naked? you could use this as a good convo start to talk about something more sexual. Comments asking her what she thought because she hasn't said anything, almost a funny apology, saying '"sorry you had to see all that, hope you didn't mind?" your looking for compliments but it may answer how she feels about you sexually?

    a good drunk convo you've seen mine can i see yours but i think thats more a last resort if your looking for something more serious
     
  4. beachbum1971

    beachbum1971 Member

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    It is very hard to remain "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex that you are attracted to. Why don't you deliberately distract yourself with another girl and see if she gets jealous or not? Seems to me that if she was really interested in more than friendship, she would have let you know by now. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
    Or, I know this sounds crazy, tell her how you really feel. Tell her that as you have gotten to know her, the more you know about her, the more you really like her, on more levels than just friends, but you respect the fact that she is not interested in more than that. Either she confirms that all she wants is to be friends, or, she surprises you, but at least it's out there.
    The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing but expecting different results. Either be happy for what you have right now, or make a change.
     
  5. the_reverend

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    about 8 years.

    yeah, i've mentioned it jokingly a couple of times since. hard to get a read on her response, though. she tends to be very laid back, so she just laughs it off (which, since they're jokes, is a good response. lol).

    thing is, i really have no problem being friends with females i'm attracted to. in fact, i've almost always been closer to girls than guys, and i'm pretty much attracted to all of them. even the ones i wind up falling for, even when i've told them about it before, still wind up some of my best friends. it's just been a while since i've had to deal with it, and what we have feels so on the cusp between a friendship and a relationship, just without that "physical" component that it's kind of confusing...

    you're right, of course, though. she hasn't expressed a desire for anything more and has in fact said outright she's not looking for anything serious and doesn't want to jeopardize our friendship by becoming anything more and having it go wrong since she's NOT ready for that right now and she needs this in her life right now. so it's more for me than for her whether i say anything or not, to let her know i'm having these feelings so we can adjust the parameters of our friendship accordingly or say nothing and spare us the awkwardness.

    or maybe we just need to make out and get it out of our system. lol!
     
  6. eyescream

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    It wouldn't surprise me if she felt the same way. Almost every guy she knows is asking her out and she turns to a guy for comfort? That's just weird. Do one of two things: either get her to see you with someone else so you can find out if that will get her jealous, OR tell her how you feel.
     
  7. B_jeepguy2

    B_jeepguy2 New Member

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    I have known several girls who ended up married to the guy they turned to for comfort. One of them was this really hot chick who could have any guy she wanted and she ended up marrying this short kind of nerdy guy who was her best friend since high school.
     
  8. the_reverend

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    well, after seeing all these guys go after her, i told her she needed just a good guy friend who didn't want anything else. and i meant it with all sincerity. it's just since then...i've started to want more. but how do i say that without undermining what we've developed to help her trust men? at this point, i've almost accepted that i'm some kind of stepping stone to help her realize there are good guys in the world that she can pursue a deep and meaningful relationship with...it just feels less and less like that guy is me. and it irks me. lol.

    we went out tonight, and ran into a guy we'd hung out with a few times before and they got into some kind of argument. she insisted that he take her home so they could resolve the argument. and that bothered me a lot. ugh...i'm just getting too old for this shit. lol
     
  9. eyescream

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    Urgh...that doesn't sound too good. It's time to let go just a bit, you're trying to prove to her that you're a good guy so now that you have feelings for her it's best to keep some boundaries until you feel ready to tell her how you feel.

    You can't keep going on pretending to her that you don't feel anything. If she's single and not seeing anyone right now then you have every right to ask her out.

    If you fear that telling her how you feel might ruin your friendship, then worry not - the friendship has already been ruined because you now have feelings for her and that's not what she signed up for.
     
  10. Notaguru2

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    Forget the psycho-babble. Make a move.
     
  11. the_reverend

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    i would disagree. like i said, i've had feelings for plenty of other female friends before, even come right out and told them. sometimes it goes nowhere, sometimes it starts to go somewhere and we decide not to take it further, sometimes we take it further and it ends for one reason or another. but in just about every case, i'm still great friends with the girls. in some cases, best friends. so i don't think my having feelings for her ruins our friendship anymore than it did the others.

    it's just having gone through those times before, i kind of know how this dance goes and even if it doesn't ruin the friendship, i don't know that i want to do all of that again. but it's also hard to keep things from her and i want to be honest. and i also have to wonder if going through that with the girls before is what helped make our friendships so lasting and strong now.

    life would be so much easier if i just wanted to get laid. lol!
     
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