Broke up after 5 Years!

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
@Brodie888 your advice is spot on. I hope you don't mind me adding a bit to it.
@4_men I don't mean to be insensitive when I say this and I truly hope you don't take it that way. With due respect, you seem to be someone that clings to someone in a "needy" way. Stand on your own two feet guy and while you can grieve the end of the relationship, stop incessantly telling him over and over how you can fix yourself, etc. Chances are you don't need to fix yourself. Stand on your own and try to realize what you have to offer so you are not so dependent on him. Again, I don't say this to be cold and hope you don't take it that way. But even as I read your replies throughout this thread of yours, you come across as needy, dependent, and scared to stand on your own. Of course you are allowed to grieve the end of it all. But at some point you have to realize he is making no effort whatsoever to come back. Long story short, what that means is you have to brush yourself off, yes it hurts, but the hurt will fade with time, especially if you get back out there and stop being miserable at home. I think what you need to show him (stop answering his texts, if he doesn't chase to wonder why, he literally doesn't care). That said, he may love you as a person and doesn't want to hurt you, but he still apparently wants to move on from your relationship with him. You have to release your dependency on him and realize you have a lot to offer someone else, etc. You basically have to let go and like I said grieve it if you must. You obviously loved him but perhaps not in a healthy way. Learn from that and move forward. The right guy will want you as you are without strings, without a need to change, etc. I think the only thing you need to do is a disconnect from him and realize he's moved on. You can do this and in the short or even long run you just may find someone who appreciates you as you. I wish you well in time. Time heals.
Thank you so much for taking time to reply me. I am so aware and know that you are right. I just wish this pain eased down.
 

Stephenmass

Legendary Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Posts
2,591
Media
2
Likes
2,257
Points
333
Location
Boston
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
You are entitled to the pain of a 5 year relationship ending. We all grieve differently and some come back from it in a short time or a long time if need be. But at the end of the pain is a new beginning for you. Work on yourself a bit for YOU, not for him. Learn hopefully to have more confidence in yourself and that you don't need to be dependent on any one person, if you do that again and it ends, you will still have those dependency needs not being met. What you need to change, the only thing that I can see so far, is you feeling dependent on anyone. You have to love yourself before you can share that with someone else. Beyond that you seem like a nice guy. But you have to let go. It's hard to do knowing how you feel about him, but most others in the same situation would have at least accepted it by now. Like I said you can grieve that part as long as you wish. You do need to work on standing on your own two feet even if not in a relationship and feel better about yourself. Sounds as if he is caring enough to answer your texts, but he has not given you any hope of reconciliation. Accept that for what it is. It hurts, but I promise you in time it lessens a lot and you'll end up being a lot happier and if you meet another right guy won't have that need to be so dependent.
 

Brodie888

Worshipped Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2015
Posts
3,059
Media
0
Likes
12,729
Points
233
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Yes I started therapy from the first morning of break up. Although it’s been a month, the pain is growing even bigger. My therapist suggest me to see a psychiatrist to check if I need medication.

My boyfriend keeps communicating every single day but he stopped calling me by my name in his texts and started calling me “my boy” which we used to call each other and leaves hearts ❤️ to all my messages. I also started to call him “my boy” and he hearts it.

Today , early in the morning he texted me good morning and asked if I slept well and he was going to the beach with a friend of his. He told me that it’s really hot outside and I should be careful.

I started to cry coz his texts started to feel like he still loves me but he may still love me but not get back together. This hurts me very much. I keep praying God to bring us back.
Would you say you have had anxiety issues growing up or in the past? Most of the time these issues are there in the background for some time.
 

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Would you say you have had anxiety issues growing up or in the past? Most of the time these issues are there in the background for some time.
No I haven’t. All the pain I am going through is due to the loss of my dog and my boyfriend. I feel like I am all alone, abandoned.
As much as I love him, I am trying to move on but he makes it so hard by texting me every day , sending hearts and all. Yes I feel happy whenever he communicates but I cannot accept the break it. :(
 

ipex

Sexy Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2023
Posts
22
Media
0
Likes
46
Points
13
Location
Sydney NSW, Australia
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Please don't think I'm being mean, I'm not, I'm trying to help ... but to be blunt, you have to respect yourself and stop pining for him. And stop hoping you'll get back together. You deserve better than this. I would cut contact if I were you. If you're going to get back together, the only way this can happen is if he initiates it. So leave him be. In the (unlikely) event that he contacts you down the track and begs you to take him back, then you can consider it. But unless that happens, you need to do what's best for you - and that is to brush yourself off and move on.

You mentioned earlier that you asked him to collect his personal things from your house and he didn't want to. I don't know if he still has any things at your house but if he does, he needs to move them out too. Your home is not a free storage facility for him. You need move on and cut the cord. I know that's harder to do than say, but try to see it as taking control of the situation.
 
  • Like
Reactions: deleted690810

bravesoldier

Worshipped Member
Joined
May 1, 2007
Posts
3,169
Media
0
Likes
11,743
Points
418
Location
southern usa
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
I was in a relationship I knew would go nowhere for nearly five years myself. It is over now and I find even though I'm mad as hell at him for compromising our relationship, that I miss him. I remind myself constantly I miss the good times, not the bad and all the things he did that constantly drove me insane. That's the way a breakup works. You don't want to hurt and miss the good, not the things that probably drove you to the breaking point.
 

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Today is the third day that he stopped texting me. Tomorrow is his birthday and I think I would text him happy birthday.

As much as I appreciate every one you supporting me, you guys are missing the point that I am not the one who keep contacting but it’s him.

But I guess he also realized that he should stop texting me and move on. That’s why we have no contact for three days.
 

MisterB

Worshipped Member
Staff
Moderator
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
May 11, 2012
Posts
5,189
Media
0
Likes
17,929
Points
558
Location
Arlington, VA, USA
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Today is the third day that he stopped texting me. Tomorrow is his birthday and I think I would text him happy birthday.

As much as I appreciate every one you supporting me, you guys are missing the point that I am not the one who keep contacting but it’s him.

But I guess he also realized that he should stop texting me and move on. That’s why we have no contact for three days.
I've followed this thread from the beginning. Interesting journey you and your emotions have been on for sure! While I'm sad to read how unhappy you say you are, I'm going to offer you some advice that comes from experience. It's time for you to move on. Make you your number one priority.

You are clinging to hope. Hope that he comes back. Then what? It appears he's not happy with who you are. From some of your comments, I wonder if he ever really was? Could it be he was romanticizing your relationship, thinking you'd change to suit him? That he could change you? Newsflash: relationships take work, from both parties. And if he's not willing to put in the time and effort, why should you be doing all the work?

Changing oneself to think that will get someone back is fantasy. You don't want to not be your authentic self. And you want someone to love you. All of you. Warts and all.

That's not healthy. What's healthy is taking stock of who and what you are. Learning to love yourself, as you can't really love another person fully without healthy self-love. Even if loving yourself means accepting the fact that he doesn't want to be with you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

It's time to stop wallowing in your sorrow and self-pity and for you to take control of your life. Learn to enjoy time with yourself and your loved ones. Your friends. The biggest mistake one can make it to put aside all of that for one person, which it sounds like you may have inadvertently done. And if you don't want to start dating again now? That's fine. That time will come.

Ask yourself this: Do I really want to be in a relationship where I'm always walking on eggshells? Worried that I might somehow trigger him to leave again? That I'll always question whether he loves me, all of me? Because I don't measure up to what he wants? That's not living my friend.

I think you realize you've come to the point where you know it's time to take action. Move forward. Tomorrow is his birthday; good for him. Remember he's the one who chose to leave the relationship. Break off after five years.

I believe he's been stringing you along with his daily messages; giving you false hope. That you haven't heard from him in three days is actually a good thing. That's why I would NOT send him a birthday message tomorrow, nor would I send him any more messages.

Should he resume texting tomorrow, wish him a Happy Birthday. Ask no questions. That will make him think. And if he wants to get back together with you, make HIM work for it.

There is no relationship without both people working for the common goal. And that includes sharing the good times as well as bad. Talking through the rough patches. Coming out the other side a stronger couple.

Bottom line: Don't settle. Life is too short not to be happy. And you deserve to be happy. And I don't see him making you happy if it means you have to change who and what you are to do so.

Good luck! :)
 

ipex

Sexy Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2023
Posts
22
Media
0
Likes
46
Points
13
Location
Sydney NSW, Australia
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Today is the third day that he stopped texting me. Tomorrow is his birthday and I think I would text him happy birthday.

As much as I appreciate every one you supporting me, you guys are missing the point that I am not the one who keep contacting but it’s him.

But I guess he also realized that he should stop texting me and move on. That’s why we have no contact for three days.
So you've never replied to any of his messages? If you're replying at all, even if he's the one initiating it, you are still keeping in contact with him.

If what you're saying is correct, I believe he's been toying/playing with you. I think he gets an ego boost from stringing you along. He sounds like a narcissist.

The most powerful and best thing you can do is to cut all contact. That means not messaging him (except perhaps to arrange for his things to be removed from your house, if they're still there), not replying to him if he messages you again, and not wishing him a happy birthday.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MisterB and 4_men

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
@MisterB @ipex thank you for taking time reply me. Trust me you are helping me a lot.

I texted him happy birthday. He replied immediately and said I am the first one who remembered. I said I didn’t forget it to remember. I wished him to be always happy. He wished me the same and he said we will celebrate it on my company beach party.

He offered if he can help me with my cat since I’m staying at friends’ house to look after their dog. I said thanks , I can handle it even though it’s tiring.

since the birthday texting, no more communication! On his birthday, I visited psychiatrist as my therapist thinks the same. I cried a lot during the session. He didn’t proscribe any medication and told me to continue with psychologist.

I had beer with a friend and there it clicked me! I remembered my previous ex boyfriend. We broke up and I remembered how much relieved I felt the day he moved out. Of course I was sad but I felt relieved and excited about single life. This is exactly how my boyfriend is feeling now. Sad about leaving me but relieved and excited.

As he doesn’t have any friends , he is texting me to share his daily experiences. But I think he also realized that he should move on and stop texting me and that’s the reason I believe he doesn’t text anymore.

@ipex yes I also believe he is narcissists. He might even say “ why am the one who texts first and stops contacting me! Or he simply started dating and he doesn’t even think about me!

I am crying less. I started hurt less. Yes I miss and love him but I started to accept that he won’t come back and we will not be together again.

This Sunday, he will come to the company party. He might even change his mind coz the weather is really really hot here. So if he comes I will see him on Sunday night.

I wanna observe how he will act in front of many people who loves seeing as couple.
whether he treats me as friend or as boyfriend, this time I wanna talk to him that I can’t be his friend.

I’ll tell him that “ I am not moving on but it’s time to let you go! I might not text you good morning or good night but you are always in my mind and if you’d ever call and needed me I’d be there! But I need to focus on myself from now on! It’s hard! I can’t deny that I don’t miss you! I wish I could talk to you. But I know where I stand and I know my worth and importance! You’ll always be here with me and my heart will be open for you!”

It will be so hard and he is a narcissist, he won’t even understand my feelings.

Yeah it’s so hard but I need to accept that we will become history to each other!
 
  • Like
Reactions: ipex

ipex

Sexy Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2023
Posts
22
Media
0
Likes
46
Points
13
Location
Sydney NSW, Australia
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
@MisterB @ipex thank you for taking time reply me. Trust me you are helping me a lot.

I texted him happy birthday. He replied immediately and said I am the first one who remembered. I said I didn’t forget it to remember. I wished him to be always happy. He wished me the same and he said we will celebrate it on my company beach party.

He offered if he can help me with my cat since I’m staying at friends’ house to look after their dog. I said thanks , I can handle it even though it’s tiring.

since the birthday texting, no more communication! On his birthday, I visited psychiatrist as my therapist thinks the same. I cried a lot during the session. He didn’t proscribe any medication and told me to continue with psychologist.

I had beer with a friend and there it clicked me! I remembered my previous ex boyfriend. We broke up and I remembered how much relieved I felt the day he moved out. Of course I was sad but I felt relieved and excited about single life. This is exactly how my boyfriend is feeling now. Sad about leaving me but relieved and excited.

As he doesn’t have any friends , he is texting me to share his daily experiences. But I think he also realized that he should move on and stop texting me and that’s the reason I believe he doesn’t text anymore.

@ipex yes I also believe he is narcissists. He might even say “ why am the one who texts first and stops contacting me! Or he simply started dating and he doesn’t even think about me!

I am crying less. I started hurt less. Yes I miss and love him but I started to accept that he won’t come back and we will not be together again.

This Sunday, he will come to the company party. He might even change his mind coz the weather is really really hot here. So if he comes I will see him on Sunday night.

I wanna observe how he will act in front of many people who loves seeing as couple.
whether he treats me as friend or as boyfriend, this time I wanna talk to him that I can’t be his friend.

I’ll tell him that “ I am not moving on but it’s time to let you go! I might not text you good morning or good night but you are always in my mind and if you’d ever call and needed me I’d be there! But I need to focus on myself from now on! It’s hard! I can’t deny that I don’t miss you! I wish I could talk to you. But I know where I stand and I know my worth and importance! You’ll always be here with me and my heart will be open for you!”

It will be so hard and he is a narcissist, he won’t even understand my feelings.

Yeah it’s so hard but I need to accept that we will become history to each other!
Hugs to you @4_men. I understand the pain of break-ups. I had a relationship break up after six years and it was very painful at the time. The thing is that the pain decreased significantly in time. I know it's a cliche but time is a great healer. Now, several years later, when I look back at the relationship, I can see the break-up was for the best. I also wonder what I ever saw in him and why I was so desperate to keep the relationship alive.

It's good to hear that your psychiatrist didn't prescribe medication and told you to continue with your psychologist. The psychiatrist obviously thinks you are psychiatrically healthy/normal, and all you need to do is work through this navigate this tough situation with the help of a psychologist.

Again, very best wishes to you and I'm glad to hear we've helped in some small way. Take care and keep us updated on how things go!
 
  • Like
Reactions: MisterB and 4_men

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Hugs to you @4_men. I understand the pain of break-ups. I had a relationship break up after six years and it was very painful at the time. The thing is that the pain decreased significantly in time. I know it's a cliche but time is a great healer. Now, several years later, when I look back at the relationship, I can see the break-up was for the best. I also wonder what I ever saw in him and why I was so desperate to keep the relationship alive.

It's good to hear that your psychiatrist didn't prescribe medication and told you to continue with your psychologist. The psychiatrist obviously thinks you are psychiatrically healthy/normal, and all you need to do is work through this navigate this tough situation with the help of a psychologist.

Again, very best wishes to you and I'm glad to hear we've helped in some small way. Take care and keep us updated on how things go!
Thank you. Do you believe what I am planning to tell him sounds ok?
 
  • Like
Reactions: ipex
D

deleted690810

Guest
Please don't think I'm being mean, I'm not, I'm trying to help ... but to be blunt, you have to respect yourself and stop pining for him. And stop hoping you'll get back together. You deserve better than this. I would cut contact if I were you. If you're going to get back together, the only way this can happen is if he initiates it. So leave him be. In the (unlikely) event that he contacts you down the track and begs you to take him back, then you can consider it. But unless that happens, you need to do what's best for you - and that is to brush yourself off and move on.

You mentioned earlier that you asked him to collect his personal things from your house and he didn't want to. I don't know if he still has any things at your house but if he does, he needs to move them out too. Your home is not a free storage facility for him. You need move on and cut the cord. I know that's harder to do than say, but try to see it as taking control of the situation.
I was thinking the same thing!
 

ProudlyHung

Expert Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Posts
54
Media
0
Likes
129
Points
503
Thank you. Do you believe what I am planning to tell him sounds ok?
My story is too long to tell here. I had someone who moved from another country for us to be together. After a very short time I felt so trapped by this handsome, wonderful, thoughtful guy that I was really going crazy. He moved home and we were in touch for quite awhile. I felt terrible but it had to end. I've been on the other side of that story where I was devastated losing someone. In both cases I had to step back eventually and realize all of the great and varied people who came into my life. Even now I can't imagine not doing or seeing the hundreds of places I've been, friends I've met, etc. that I would not have experienced otherwise. Try to realize there's a whole wide world out there and all of the people waiting to meet you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4_men and ipex

ipex

Sexy Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2023
Posts
22
Media
0
Likes
46
Points
13
Location
Sydney NSW, Australia
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Thank you. Do you believe what I am planning to tell him sounds ok?
I'm not an expert and I've never met you or your ex-partner - so you must take that into account when considering my reply. But to answer your question, I believe that what you're planning to say should be a little firmer and should be stronger in its message of moving on. Below I'll post what you're planning to say and what I'd suggest saying instead:

Your version: “I am not moving on but it’s time to let you go! I might not text you good morning or good night but you are always in my mind and if you’d ever call and needed me I’d be there! But I need to focus on myself from now on! It’s hard! I can’t deny that I don’t miss you! I wish I could talk to you. But I know where I stand and I know my worth and importance! You’ll always be here with me and my heart will be open for you!”

My suggestion: "I am moving on, it’s time to let you go. I still care about you but will not text you good morning or good night, because I need to focus on myself from now on. It’s hard and I miss you, but I know where I stand and I know my worth and importance! Our relationship will always have a place in my heart and I wish you all the best."
 

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
He texted again 2 hours ago asking how am so dealing with heat wave. I told him that I am home with AC on.

He asked about my cat and again offered if he can come on Monday or Tuesday to spend time with her since I stay somewhere else. I said , No thanks, I am handling.

He told me that he had fish for lunch which was our Saturday routine and will stay home to relax.

@ipex I like your version of it. I hope I can have courage to tell him :(
 
  • Like
Reactions: ipex

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
So, tonight we are meeting at the party.
I asked him how we’d go. He suggested the public transport but it’s really hot outside and we will need to change several busses. I offered to meet him at his place, have coffee then go by taxi.

He said “ No, I am not fun of this idea! Let’s go separately and I’ll meet you there”

Right now I am so pissed off and disappointed with myself that I expose myself as needy :sob:

My God! Please accept my prayers or help me to get over and move on :sob:!!

it’s been more than a month and I am tired of suffering.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ipex

ipex

Sexy Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2023
Posts
22
Media
0
Likes
46
Points
13
Location
Sydney NSW, Australia
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
So, tonight we are meeting at the party.
I asked him how we’d go. He suggested the public transport but it’s really hot outside and we will need to change several busses. I offered to meet him at his place, have coffee then go by taxi.

He said “ No, I am not fun of this idea! Let’s go separately and I’ll meet you there”

Right now I am so pissed off and disappointed with myself that I expose myself as needy :sob:

My God! Please accept my prayers or help me to get over and move on :sob:!!

it’s been more than a month and I am tired of suffering.
Hugs to you @4_men. Sorry that you are suffering. You deserve better than this.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4_men

4_men

Superior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Posts
487
Media
11
Likes
5,443
Points
313
Location
Athens
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Hugs to you @4_men. Sorry that you are suffering. You deserve better than this.
Thank you so much @ipex
Weekends are the hardest! During the week , the work is keeping me busy but the nights and weekends are just killing me.

All I am asking from God is to give us another chance! Why am I suffering so much?!!!

I am 41 and I had heart breaks in the past. I guess I thought I’d never break up with the man I always dreamt to have!

This sucks!! It’s been more than a month and I feel like I am consumed by pain!