Simple question I've wondered about. I think there is a great deal of confusion in the world these days about what love is. Especially for us men. I'm certain many of us have felt guilt or confusion over the depth of love we can feel for a friend - even causing us to question our sexuality at times because the feelings are so great. For example - I've personally felt such depth for my best friend. Strong feels of wanting to be around him, thinking of him throughout the day, and just overall positive thoughts about the man he is. Perhaps it's because this is not a common bond for men to experience and that our society wants to slap a label on it of gay - after all if we have strong feelings for anyone other than family or spouse than something's wrong. At times I've been infatuated with him and it's felt somewhat of a crush but NEVER have I wanted to have sex with him. It's not sexual or romantic like I feel for my wife but is as intense at times. What do you all think? Anyone else ever experience this?
Brotherly love or more?
- Thread starter str8bro1
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I think you're right in assessing that men can and should have good friends, trusted friends, very solid deep friendships - and that society today concludes such a thing is "gay". This is the same shallow society that wanted to call Frodo and Sam gay in "Lord of the Rings". And I think it's one of the reasons our world is in trouble: They've lost sight of the fact that women aren't the only ones who need close trusted "bosom companions" that are nevertheless NOT sources or recipients of sexual tension or energy.
i am one to believe that if we allow our feelings are fluid not concrete. when you try to controll them is where the frustration/confusion comes in.
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I think you have latent romantic feelings, which is fine. You need to explore this energy before it turns into something unmanageable. When it does, you wife will know...so discuss, explore, hug, whatever it takes to prevent it from turning into a wedge between your friend or your wife.
All humans need love. Love obviously comes in many forms. One love we men need is love of each other which society has a hard time acknowledging or allowing. It hasn't always been this way. Men can love each other deeply and purely without putting some label on it like it's gay or weird. I know this because of my life experience. I have male friends who I love very much and I try to express this to them as often as I can. It is normal to need and want this sort of thing in our lives. And it doesn't and shouldn't interfere with the love we have for wives or girlfriends. It's not as if love is finite. We have a great capacity for love just by being human.
Ironlion45
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well, "gay" describes SEXUAL attraction. If you are not sexually attracted to your friend, then your feelings for him aren't at all gay.
Love by itself has nothing to do with gender. WE love those who are closest to us... if they are also someone we are sexually interested in, then there is potential for the kind of relationship you have with your wife. But no, the label "gay" only describes sexual attraction.
Love by itself has nothing to do with gender. WE love those who are closest to us... if they are also someone we are sexually interested in, then there is potential for the kind of relationship you have with your wife. But no, the label "gay" only describes sexual attraction.
Here's a somewhat clinical look at love and different types of love. I read this years ago and found it packed with info. You may have to order it.
Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion by Ethel S. Person - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists
Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion by Ethel S. Person - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists
Personally, my opinion matters more than all the other comments on here.... It is hard to find someone, you can trust and be yourself with these days. It is natural to love something that is good for you. When you think of your favourite food and it makes your heart skip a beat, it doesn't mean you want to have sex with the food. So keep loving your friend, it is bonds like these that make life worth living. If you try to keep living your life by all these rules that are always changing, you will find you can't be yourself. Only once you start to get a woody when looking at your friend, then start to consider other stuff.
B_henry miller
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i think what the original poster writes about is far more common than people realize. i think it may be one reason many men are really pent up: because they feel love for one another and they are taught it is wrong. OR, if they feel lover for another man they are taught it is "gay." Whatever the case, feeling love for another man seems to be a "political" thing that seems to challenge a man's identity and standing in society. Women can be friends and love each other all they want and that's fine. But men can't. I think it makes men a little neurotic sometimes. Frankly, I've always thought this is why men are more homophobic than women: because men really form close bonds with one another but are taught they are wrong. That doesn't happen to women so much. scrubs - guy love - YouTube
dude, what you are experiencing is called friendship. deep good forever friendship.
there are two things about mankind that need to be said:
1: humans are designed to live for at least 100 years each. (*1) but our life is what we make of it, and unhealthy lives we lead cause people to live much shorter, stress, junk food, air pollution etc
2: humans are BIsexual beings.(*2) no matter what does your lpsg profile say about you, you are bisexual, cause if you werent there wouldnt be any friendships.thats why you can say, and mean it, and nothing sexual about it, that you LOVE your dad, brother, friend. dont be ashamed. i love my two or three best friends. if you ask me to choose between playing cards with my best friend or fuck eva longoria all night, itd be a very tough call...
so those feelings are completely natural and dont run from them. hug your friend and go and have a beer.(*3)
(*1) quotation, very famous cardiologist
(*2) quotation, even more famous, academic, neuropsychiatrist
(*3) me, from the bottom of my heart
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
the pre-christian Greeks called this Agape.
It was considered the highest form of love, and rooted in being able to fully identify with one another. ( as opposed to loving a woman, whose world view , interests and emotional reactions are entirely different from a fellow man's )
However... in the Greek world, tho Agape was considered completely different from Eros, or sexual love, it often did find expression in sex.
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I have one close friend who is gay. He and I have spent many hours together in various situations, but we have never had any sex (largely because of him.) He stirs me sexually. On occasions I have gotten tumescent just from hugs and stuff. I had another friend who was very close. He is straight and never stirred me sexually. However, I grew to love him. I demonstrated my affection with hugs, my arm around him on quite a few occasions, and things like that. He never protested. I did not go to excess in public nor did I embarrass him. I never made any sexual advances nor tried to seduce him verbally. About a year and a half after we had intimate discussions about things sexual and dropped the barriers to that kind of talk, he began to think I had designs on him. He interrogated me caustically, and after that told me our five-year friendship was over. I am very sad, because I would never have done anything he did not want, Had he wanted it, I might have tried to give him pleasure, but I should not have admitted that. I'm revealing this so that maybe some of you will be cautious.
One of the most problematic words in the English language is "love" simply because it describes so many different things. There are literally dozens of classical Greek words that translate into English as "love," but which have different meanings that are sometimes subtle and sometimes stark.
In English, we love our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, our cars, our food, and on and on. Tell me how one's love of fresh basil and the feeling of love during "lovemaking" are the same thing?
So please, OP, go ahead and love your friend. You're right that the prudish cultural norms that beset so many anglophone countries could confuse it for something gay, but that's culture's problem, not yours.
I agree with Cube but who should make the first move? He might feel just as bad about ending the friendship as you do.
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Mebench, consider yourself lucky to have such a good friend. If you don't have sexual feelings for the guy then I'd argue it can't be a "homosexual" relationship if you want to debate that kind of a label. Honestly, I think these relationships are rare, because men are so competitive and always posturing to show their manliness or dominance. It keeps us from sharing those parts of our thoughts that would make us vulnerable. If you and your buddy can put those things out there with each other when you're looking for another guy's take on a situation, you've got a great friend. If this describes what you and your buddy have, don't take it for granted. Nourish it and keep building it.
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