Bumping heads

[LemacST]

I have a friend who I'm very close to. The only thing is that we also bump heads like crazy. We have for a long time. He's done things that have really pissed me off, I've done things that have really pissed him off. I've never had any other friendship like this, it's really awkward. There are certain things though that he did a long time ago that make me furious thinking about it now--I'd rather not go into them here though. Too uncomfortable to talk about, even here at LPSG (kind of says how bad it is, huh). They're actually very awkward things that I don't even know I could bring up to him. I feel the need to do it though since it's been bothering me a lot lately, the only problem is that it would probably kill our friendship. That's sort of my question--if I have these feelings towards him, should I even continue my friendship with him? We've been friends for maybe 3 years now and have had an amazing bond, although at the same time we've had huge fights. I'm not really bitter about the fights, it's just that these awkward things I want to bring up to him have been unsettling. I can almost say that this love/hate friendship is really 50/50 respectively, so I don't know which way to go.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? If so, what did you do?

 

[crescendo69]

Oh, yes. I have written some of them off, when the pain became too great. And some have written me off, usually because of my increased negativity toward their actions. You will have to decide how much the friendship is worth to you. Perhaps there will be a mutual "agreement to disagree" or a cooling off period where you two stay apart.

Perhaps some others here will give some advice that will help you.

 

[ganja4me]

One of my best friends from when I was about 4 till I was like 16 were like that. We have been in a couple actual fights and a lot of arguments up until I was 16 then we both had girlfriends and saw a lot less of each other. Never been in the exact same situation though because I always bring it up right away when something bothers me. My best advice would be to figure out if you want to remain friends with him. If you do and he's an understanding guy discuss it with him. If he's not the best thing would be to just put the past behind you and forget about it. I have had to do that with something one of my friends did to me. Took me a while to get over but eventually I did and we're still friends. If this bothers you so bad that you don't value his friendship anymore then I would say the best thing to do is confront him and let him know how you feel.

 

[LemacST]

Here some more important information.

I'm a very calm person. I don't start drama. I try not to offend people when they start acting up, even if I feel I should. I'm passive and non-confrontational with my friendships. Basically, I'll make friends with anyone, if they're just as chill as I am then we have no problems, but if they're not, then I let things that annoy me slide until I completely blow up and either let them know or stop being their friend. I feel I should stick up for myself more at times but for the most part, I'm pretty happy with having an ego or presence that isn't a burden on my friends.

My friend is the exact opposite of that. He's extremely agressive, assertive, judgmental and easily offended. Basically, if he gets the slightest tinge that you might possibly be avoiding him or something, he will assume the worst of the situation and take action. For example, if you call someone and they never pick up your calls, maybe after like the 3rd time you'd start thinking they might possibly be avoiding you. With my friend, miss his call once and he assumes you're avoiding him, tell other people that you're avoiding him and is a passive-agressive prick towards you until you do something that makes him feel comfortable that you're not avoiding him. Or something like that. I'm sure you all know someone like this.

Despite the things I just said, we actually have great times when we hang out, when we're not fighting at least. Which doesn't happen all the time, but still does every now and then, enough to piss me off in the long run.

My question is if I should fix this problem by fixing my attitude from a humble one to an agressive one, or if it's just too deep to where I should just slowly but surely cut him out. Our friendship continues on and on as a friends/not friends/friends/not friends. It's like a circle that appears to be a straight line. I'm wondering if I can actually break this or if I'm doomed to just continue this circle until I end my friendship with him.

 

[LemacST]

Like one thing I haven't learned yet (or mastered, really) is how to bring randomly bring up something someone does that pisses me off to them. I can do it if they do it to me and basically initiate a fight, but for some reason I have trouble just calling someone out for something knowing I'm about to get into a really heated debate

 

[ganja4me]

Well instead of being passive you should try to be more assertive but not aggressive. Being aggressive with another aggressive person will probably end in a fight. But being assertive as in trying to solve the problem without letting your emotions get the best of you but at the same time not letting the problem just continue. If you're not happy with the way things are you have to do something about it or just continue being unnhappy with it. The best thing to do in this situation is to try to handle it maturely as possible without huge confrontation. If you are a passive guy it shouldn't be hard for you to do this without violence being involved. If he gets angry with you about this it's probably best to give him some time to think about it and cool off but make it clear that you do still want to be friends if that is the case. I'm sure if you did that he would know that you still value his friendship and if he values yours he will treat you the way you want him to.

 

[ganja4me]

Another tip would be to make sure it is just you two alone and nobody else around. That would make it much easier for him to open up to you about this. If you call him out in front of some people he may think you're making him look bad if he apologizes so instead of work things out he would probably want to, well get aggressive with you.

 

[LemacST]

Good advice, Ganja.
I'm going to sleep. Thanks for the replies

 

[rimmer9]

Sounds to me like your in love.