Bunch of jokes :)

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Principessa, Jul 19, 2009.

  1. Principessa

    Gold Member

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    Why men have better friends

    Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
    Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there
    *~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
    Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

    She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds.

    The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    Rick has been missing since Friday. :biggrin1:
    *~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

    • Tourist: $5
    • Broiled Missionary: $10
    • Fried Explorer: $15
    • Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100
    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politicians?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all morning.”
    *~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*

    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?"

    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

    "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
    *~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*


    Patrick was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

    He'd done this several times, and Patrick still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Patrick went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
    *~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
    *~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*


    A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
     
  2. dtw-W-Boy

    dtw-W-Boy New Member

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    As funny as the jokes are, just reading the tags list made me laugh
     
  3. Principessa

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    :biggrin1: Hope I didn't disappoint you. :tongue: If you give me a day or two maybe I can come up with a joke about a bunch of blonde cannibals. :lmao:
     
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