"Business trip" sex: convenience gets complicated

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ramwella, Jul 3, 2007.

  1. ramwella

    ramwella Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2007
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast
    About every 2-3 years, my job sends a group of reps to a national conference. I've been 4 times, and the last 3 times I've hooked up with a guy who's from the midwest office in Chicago. We're both about the same age, both married, both with great jobs for a great company. And quite frankly, the sex is "off the chain". He's in my "top 5" personal best category.

    Basically it's us releasing total pent-up sexual frustration-- about 2 years worth! So we would just "hit it and quit it". What made it work so well was our "no-strings" policy. After we hooked up, there were never any emails or phone calls. In fact, we've been on several conference calls at work and barely acknowledged each other. (but my dick was hard the whole time)

    Well, I just got an email from this guy today. The company is transferring him to one of our mid-atlantic offices-- and my office is on the list!! He doesn't know which one yet, but the whole thing SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!! I did not reply to his email yet.

    I'm really nervous about this, b/c I'm in the middle of a seperation. This guy would be too much temptation, and way too close for comfort. It really complicates things for me. Maybe my extra-marital activities are catching up to haunt me. Or, maybe all this is happening for a reason. I'm usually very rational and objective, but I truly don't know how to figure out this one.

    I need some advice. And I'd really appreciate some wisdom from you older guys-- the "Been There, Done That" tribe.
     
  2. ramwella

    ramwella Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2007
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast
    AFTER 15 HOURS AND 175+ REVIEWS, WHY NO REPLIES?

    ANY FEEDBACK ON THAT, SOMEONE?-- ramwella
     
  3. CBS1

    CBS1 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2007
    Messages:
    97
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Let it happens, perhaps is your destiny too get together Whit this guy and your 80% strait will go dawn to 20%:smile:
     
  4. fortiesfun

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    4,692
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    I haven't been in your exact situation, but my experience in similar situations is that it is easy to overestimate how interested he will be. Casual sex histories suggest a preference for keeping it cool. Even if he moves to your area, you might still occasionally hook-up, but I suspect he has as much reason as you do, or more, to keep things very loose.

    Respond to the guy, but stick to business. Tell him you'd like to have him as a professional colleague. (Talking about your sex lives over the e-mail, unless it is strickly private addresses on both ends, is a bad idea. Keep any direct mention of your past OFF the company servers.)
     
  5. FrankPipeliner

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2005
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    unless you're self declared 80/20 balance has changed cousel the guy to take the position that suits him best professionally.
     
  6. EFH33

    EFH33 Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2004
    Messages:
    197
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Well... if you are going through a separation it means something in your marriage isn't working. Sounds to me like subconsciously this guy could be a reason why. The fact that you get hard just hearing his voice on a conference call seems to lend some credence to that thought. I am not sure you're really scared of the sexual temptations. I think you're more scared that, for you, this guy is more than just a a sex partner. As his friend I think you have to just be supportive of him. Who knows? Maybe having him closer will be a blessing in disguise for you.

    However, nothing is final with his move yet, so be supportive of him and wait and see. You might be getting all worked up over nothing.
     
  7. bimale

    bimale New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2006
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Mexico
    Just relax and see what the universe has planned for you. Don't stress...take it day by day...the worst thing that can happen is you'll have a convenient fuck-buddy nearby. The best thing that can happen has unlimited potential. Just kick back and let is all roll over you...
     
  8. ramwella

    ramwella Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2007
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast
    A convenient fuck buddy is EXACTLY what I don't need to complicate my life. It will only cloud my mind regarding the decisions that I have to make.
    I'm a decent, intelligent guy, but I can do some really stupid things when my hormones go in over-drive. It's like my dick has a head of its own.
     
  9. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    So basically you are a normal American male. :tongue: Sorry, I couldn't resist.
     
  10. bendigoboi

    bendigoboi New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2007
    Messages:
    716
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bendigo, Australia
    You also don't say what his situaton is with his wife - he may have a lot more reasons than you now to keep it cool, so may actually be more anxious than you about what this move will mean for him.

    Remember the old rule - what happens away, stays away!
     
  11. ramwella

    ramwella Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2007
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast
    In his email he included his family. I going to send him a reply today. Probably will keep it short and simple-- esp. since it's on the company server. But I'm glad that I had the holiday off to think about it.
     
  12. F_Man

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,179
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    586
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Helsinki (FI)
    - - -

    It seems you have tons of guilt. Decisions based on or guided by guilt are the most stupid things to do. Decency, intelligence, hormones and dick all should belong together, trying to keep them separate will complicate your life more than any convenient fuck buddy.

    Think of yourself as a whole with various needs, hormones overdrive is part of that.

    Cheers,
    FinnMan
     
  13. Big Dicked Nerd

    Big Dicked Nerd New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2007
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Send him a reply in which you generically wish him well with whatever posting may come his way. Mention his that you hope his family adjusts quickly to the new surroundings and nothing more.

    Should he end up in your office, STOP FISHING FROM THE COMPANY PIER. SOMEONE WILL NOTICE AND EVERYONE WILL START TALKING as sure as the sun rises in the east. I have seen what were supposed to be highly secret office affairs time and time again. The office talked about it because it gave others some petty excitement in their otherwise dull lives.

    As you are going through a separation, do not date colleagues or either gender.

    Good Luck to you.
     
  14. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    This is the best advice so far.

     
  15. rico 9x6

    rico 9x6 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    los angeles
    Just curious- does your wife know that you are bi? is that the reason for the seperation?

    Regarding your co-worker, just take it in stride and keep everything as it was before, I am sure if he is moving with his wife, he doesnt want to cause any waves.

    Good luck!
     
  16. bstexas

    bstexas Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    578
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston
    I've read some good bits of advice here for u. But there were the questions about ur sexuality ... did it have to do with the break up? If itt did, is it because u are getting more interested in the 20% side? And if so, are u afraid to let that part of ur sexuality out ... afriad to be found out by friends and coworkers? Or do u still just wanna mess around onnce a year with guys and the rest of the time with the ladies?

    Well, I say be an adult about the coworker and wish the guy well where ever he's headed. He has only a one chance in 5 of being in ur area (and as others said, keep personal stuff off ur office emails.) If he does end up being at ur office, you guys need to deal with it. Ignoring him would be totally weird for each of you (and coworkers) so dealing with it would be the best thing to do (unless you really wanna fuk some things up with ur mind, his family and ur office). Let him know that it was a fun out of town thing you had but it is not going to occur in town. If u have the jones to hook up, get online to some site and meet people or go to your local pick up stop. If you are afraid ur gonna fall for him (and that frekas you), u definitley should confront him unless again, you really wanna fuk some things up with ur mind, his family and ur office.

    Just my thoughts on it. I'm not inn favor of messing a good thing up or being a downer, but if he is in ur office it sounds pretty difficult to deal with it.
     
  17. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,027
    Likes Received:
    21
    Never been in your situation but here's my 2 cents....

    Don't get worked up by things that haven't happened yet. Don't read into things that are only in your head. If you can't handle the worst case senario nip this in the bud. He'll probably be around in 1 or 2 years if you decide to change your mind anyways.

    If the worst case senario is you falling in love with a married guy with kids and the accompaning heartache - all I can say is that I passed up many man-to-man experiences when I was in the closet that I regret to this day. When I did have sex for pleasure the worst case senarios in my head never materialized. Some rare heartaches but it was nothing time couldn't heal. Don't miss out on life because of your fears. I don't think there is a middle road here. Seems pretty clear cut to me.
     
  18. ramwella

    ramwella Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2007
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast
     
  19. LouisVauban

    LouisVauban New Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2007
    Messages:
    467
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Montreal, QC
    So much time is wasted wondering what someone else is thinking...

    There's a reason he sent the e-mail. There's a reason you get hard on conference calls. There's a reason this is making you crazy.

    My suggestion is getting a number and CALLING this guy. E-mails are subjective emotionally.... so many people "read-into" what actually ISN'T THERE.

    Maybe plan a "business trip" to mutually decided-upon city. Separate Rooms. Fuck each others' lights out and then TALK!

    Does he want a local fuck-buddy? Does he think there are sparks and wants to see if maybe there are for your you too? Maybe you are just the only person in the company he trusts for helping him make a decision as to which office is best for a transfer? The fact that your office is on the list may have no real meaning, other than it might be a good place to work.

    STOP READING INTO WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

    Call him... If he still has a family, than he undoubtedly doesn't want to screw up his life. And it doesn't sound as though he knew ANYTHING about your split. How could he?

    You could be whipping yourself into a frenzy that you really don't need to.
     
  20. Stealthblade

    Stealthblade New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2007
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Colorado
    You've been given some good advice here, and have been posed some pointed questions.

    It sounds to me like several things are going on here. On the one hand, you self-identify as 80% straight, and only 20% gay, but state that this guy is one of the top five most compatible sexual partners you've ever experienced. On the other hand, you're emotionally vulnerable because of the separation from your wife. So, news that this fellow is potentially moving to your city/company has triggered a form of "gay panic," dredging up a fear that you've been living at least a partially fraudulent existence vis-a-vis your wife, friends, and colleagues.

    Inevitably, no matter what happens concerning this guy's potential move, you'll have to ask yourself whether the turmoil you're experiencing is something you can live with indefinitely, and continue to keep that 20% of you hidden (and, not knowing your full situation, that may be the path of least resistance), or start being more honest with yourself, and with others.

    I'm not being judgmental, believe me: many years ago, before meeting my partner, I had an ongoing "Same Time, Next Year" affair with a married father of two who came to my city 2-3 times each year. But the parameters of the relationship were crystal-clear: despite an off-the-charts sexual connection, I knew he self-identified as bi, would never leave his wife and kids (nor did I want him to), and knew that, even though we got on fine outside the bedroom, the relationship basically boiled down to great sex. In a "normal" context, nothing about the relationship would otherwise have worked, and, given this guy's own family situation, the same may hold true if he moves there.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted