"Business trip" sex: convenience gets complicated

novice_btm

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Eesh, I'm not exactly sure what to say, but honestly, I actually hope the guy does NOT get moved to your office. I just think that whatever you're dealing with, and which ever way it goes, that you should be allowed to do it, and handle it, on your OWN time, not because you're forced into it.
 

Bbucko

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I'm a decent, intelligent guy, but I can do some really stupid things when my hormones go in over-drive. It's like my dick has a head of its own.

Gay sex isn't some "stupid thing", and men who have sex with men can be both "decent" and "intelligent".

The utter self-loathing in these two sentences really stands out, bud. Time to get a grip and cease the panic.
 

ramwella

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It sounds to me like several things are going on here....news that this fellow is potentially moving to your city/company has triggered a form of "gay panic," dredging up a fear that you've been living at least a partially fraudulent existence vis-a-vis your wife, friends, and colleagues.

Inevitably, no matter what happens concerning this guy's potential move, you'll have to ask yourself whether the turmoil you're experiencing is something you can live with indefinitely,.....or start being more honest with yourself, and with others.



There's a reason he sent the e-mail..... so many people "read-into" what actually ISN'T THERE.

Does he want a local fuck-buddy? Does he think there are sparks and wants to see if maybe there are for your you too? Maybe you are just the only person in the company he trusts for helping him make a decision as to which office is best for a transfer? The fact that your office is on the list may have no real meaning, other than it might be a good place to work.

STOP READING INTO WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

Call him... You could be whipping yourself into a frenzy that you really don't need to.


Thanks so much for your advice. It was very practical-- the splash of cold water I needed to snap me back to my senses.

I sent him a quick email and and left a voicemail at his office to call me over the weekend. We talked via cell phone on Saturday for about 20 minutes. NOTHING WAS RESOLVED! It was like he was totally oblivious to the situation. I asked several questions to lead us into the discussion, but he wouldn't take the bait. My conversation yesterday with Miguel was exactly as I would have had with any other co-worker/friend-- no difference! It is confusing and frustrating to think that he would act so clueless-- like nothing ever happened.

And I don't want anyone here to think that I'm over-exagerrating our guy2guy thing. It was not just a puberty jerk-off session. Our last time together, I actually fucked this guy HARD-- pinned him spread eagle against the window of his hotel balcony at 3am in the morning. I remember he kept mumbling in Spanish, but I didn't understand what he was saying. I didn't care. We left drool, sweat, hair and body prints stuck to the window. It was hardcore "CSI"!

How could anyone forget or pretend that nothing happeded? I hate leaving things open-ended. Even if he never wants to hook-up again, that's fine. I'm totally cool with that-- in fact, it would be a relieve. I just want us to be on the same page and agree to whatever it's going to be. Then again, maybe he was leaving me a clue by NOT saying anything at all. You know what I mean: "What happened between us in California, stays in California...and then Colorado...and ILLINOIS!!" We've been secretly fucking across America. I just want to know what's bound to happen in Pennsylvania!

Oh, and here's another monkey wrench to this friggin' situation: He and I are among the AVP candidates (Associate Vice-Presidents) promotion, which is a big part of his transfer. So, in another year (and unless we're promoted together), one of us will be in a supervisory position.

This damn scenario is like the urban sequel to "Brokeback Mountain". But for now, I guess I can feign denial, too, and act like nothing ever happened. "¡Yo lo quise, también, papi !!"
 

ramwella

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Gay sex isn't some "stupid thing", and men who have sex with men can be both "decent" and "intelligent".

The utter self-loathing in these two sentences really stands out, bud. Time to get a grip and cease the panic.



Well, you and I actually agree on the same things: Gay sex is not stupid, and many consenting men are both decent and intelligent.

Unfortunately, my statement was misunderstood. What I meant was when I am sexually charged, sometimes even I-- an otherwise rational and practical person--can make big mistakes and stupid decisions. Being late twice for a staff meeting b/c I was having good morning sex with my wife is a big mstake. Charging $300 for a hotel room to have sex with my ex-roommate is a stupid decision.

And I also partly agree with you on the "self-loathing" comment. But I don't hate myself for having sex with a guy. I hate that I am compromising my integrity, and for my lack of character and honesty toward my family and friends.

Just wanted o clarify. Thanks for your reply.
 

cgttown

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I can actually relate to you in a few ways. First, as a married guy who identifies as primarily heterosexual, I have still had several m2m hook-ups over the course of the years. These are not necessarily something I'm proud of on the one hand, because they are not in keeping with the promises I made to my wife and family. On the other hand, I can't seem to stop, and, at times, don't want to. When I traveled more for business, I would hook-up when I could on the road. Now that I don't travel much, I've made a few fuckbuds locally that I visit when we can work out the schedule.

However, I think you're letting your guilt over the sex, and, frankly, your clear enjoyment of not just the sex but the connection you and your co-worker make when you do have sex, cloud your professional judgement some. You say you are a "go-to" guy for people, and your bud may see you the same way, which would help explain his e-mail from a professional perspective. So be cautious of reading into it more than is there.

His avoidance of the issue despite your hints isn't all that hard to figure out, really. He may not have been in a place he could talk about it, or he might be in major denial. If you really want to know if your hook-ups are playing a part in the consideration of the move, then ask him straight out. I think you may be hesitant to do this because you don't know what you'd do if he said "Yes, they are, and I'd enjoy being closer to you." You are, in a word, conflicted.

I would relax, and then be honest with the wife. Since you don't have kids and you aren't being honest now, you'd probably feel better if you told her that you liked men, too, and are feeling torn and dishonest about that. At least if you divorce, you'll be on clear terms. If she knows you row both ways, and yet still wants to be married, then maybe you have something to build on. Isn't it the infidelity (regardless of the gender with whom you cheat) that makes the relationship unstable? Be honest with her and yourself.

As for the potential fbud in town, and potential competition for the same job, I think you need to be honest with Miguel, too. Tell him you think he's sexy and that you feel a connection that is hot as hell when you're together, BUT you don't know what to do with that. Then, let him tell you what he's thinking and feeling.

In short, be honest with yourself, your wife, and your fuckbuddy. Then re-evaluate.
 

Stealthblade

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Hmmm, well, if it makes you feel any better, my married lover of many mooms ago was Latino as well, and, when setting our assignations by phone, or speaking when out in public together, gave no hint of any sexual "vibe" between us--it was like a switch that he turned on in the bedroom, and immediately snapped off otherwise. Maybe the similarity here is coincidence, or perhaps it is a strongly ingrained cultural trait? I do feel for you, and hope this resolves itself favorably.