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hi, my name is Declan. I have a true story to tell, which - having read some of the stuff in these forums - is more suited to LPSG even though it isn't about penis issues. I would appreciate any feedback from guys or gals who have observations or similar experiences, or even just psychological curiosity.
I'm 51 bi guy previously from N carolina now in michigan, in a relationship with a teacher from Germany who i've known for a decade. She knows i'm bi, we're monogamous. About 2 years ago a good looking str8 guy of 28 I met in gym befriended me. I was very flattered and attracted to him. I couldnt understand why he was so fascinated by me but he was, pouring praise on me for being a nice successful person he looked up to, and bombarded me with texts. The bromance got intense very quickly, he seemed to toy with me sexually, altho no doubt he is str8 (cheated multiply on his girlfriend but their relationship is relaxed in that way). I saw him naked a couple of times in gym and was physically attracted to him, nice uncut cock, beautiful body. But it was his personality I fell for. I told him everything about myself, my secrets, stuff i have only ever told my girlfriend. He didnt tell me much about himself as he appeared so enraptured with me that I didnt care.
One night, after a night out on the town, he stayed at my apartment as my girlfriend was away. He brought a woman back with him who he had picked up earlier, and they fucked in my spare room, her panting and moans were the hottest thing I have ever heard. At one point, I walked into the kitchen where he was pouring himself water and he said she was awesome and asked if I wanted to join them for a devils threesome. Lust got the better of me, it was the horniest I have ever been, and I said yes, yes, yes, but when he went back to ask her, she was against it, so it never happened. I am pleased, in hindsight, because my girlfriend would have been upset. I was thinking with my cock.
After 9/10 months, I noticed he was quite possessive of me. At first I was flattered, and didnt discourage it, finding it amusing. My girlfriend and I started to argue more, and my bromance poisoned my relationship. It wasnt just that she was jealous, but she met him about a few times and just plain didnt like him,even though she admitted he was very good looking and could see why I liked him. Once we met him and his girlfriend for a movie, it was a nice evening, but my girlfriend didnt like the way he spoke to his girlfriend. He started making more demands on my time, getting ugly when i said no. Then, very subtly, things changed. He started in every conversation to belittle me, critisize and use the things I'd told him about myself against me.
At first I excused it, telling myself i had lost my sense of humor and was taking myself too seriously (this is what he told me as well). But it amped up and up, some things he said were the cruelest things anybody has ever said to me (too many things to go into here, but really awful). Slowly, I started to wise up. I began to dread seeing him or talking to him. I changed my gym times and didn't answer my phone everytime he called. But I had a major problem - all the secrets I had told him would seriously embarrass me if he told anybody else (such as my bisexuality). He had even joked a couple of times: 'imagine all your friends and family know the real you'. We had a few friends in common and I had no doubt he would burn me if he I blanked him. My true breaking point came when he ignored me/didnt call for a month to 'teach me a lesson' because I had chosen to spend time with my girlfriend instead of going to have a drink with him.
During this time, I started to look into something he had once joked about himself that I hadnt believed at the time. He said he loved manipulating people (especially girls to get them into bed), and had laughed saying I was very susceptible to manipulation. Now I have always believed 'narcissism' is just a word that is bandied about to describe someone who is a bit full of themselves, like Trump. But I had never known about 'narcissistic personality disorder'. I started reading online, and to my horror, realised I was dealing with someone with full blown NPD (they are quite rare, despite the word narcissist being used freely). The more I read, the more the full horror dawned on me. We had gone through the phases: idealization (when he had poured praise on me); devaluation (the criticisms that started to come through); and discard (when he ignored me). He has no empathy, is openly manipulative and has very few friends, who he bitches about, and he is cruel, using things he knows against me to get a reaction, which is known as narcissistic supply.
But wait... arent narcissists supposed to be showboats who are flashy and loud and larger than life? That is what I had always thought. My friend, though, was quiet, deferential, introverted. How could he be narcissistic? Reading further, I discovered there are 'covert narcissists' which are even more dangerous because you dont see them coming. I hadnt seen this one coming! A first indicator of a 'covert' is that they are victims - everything is everybody else's fault, the world is against them, they are quick to take offense, and truly believe they are superior and their brilliance is unrecognized. This was him, 100 percent.
The moment I knew he has NPD, I had a dilemma. The only way to get rid of these people is to cut them out completely. Unless they are family or ex spouse or fellow workers or they have 'dirt' on you - in which case, you have to use something called 'gray rock method'. This means you tell them nothing except the essential facts, no drama, no passion, no complaining, just dry, boring facts. When you deal with them, you imagine you are observing a parasite under a microscope and instead of being injured by their bite, you become fascinated that you are able to observe someone with a terrible disease up close. By doing this you 'bore' them out of your life. They want 'supply' and when you fail to provide it, they move on. And by not 'blanking' them or rejecting them, you allow them to exit the relationship on their terms, thinking they have won. This means you don't trigger their 'narcissistic injury' which leads to 'narcissistic rage', which is when they take revenge by doing anything legal to hurt you back.
'Gray rock' method worked for me. My friend became bored, stopped calling, and I havent heard from him in several months. He works for a large accountancy firm and is being transferred to another branch out of state. I hope I never hear from him again.
BUT... just as me and my girlfriend were getting back on our feet (we went to visit her family in Germany and had a wonderful time, it healed our wounds, although I dont think the damage will ever be completely repaired), an acquaintance from my past contacted me out of the blue. We had worked on a contract together five years ago and he had looked me up to reconnect. And you guessed it - he's exactly my type, even looks like my previous friend, in his twenties, beautiful body, good looking, very straight. The biggest difference is that he is more outgoing and confident than my old friend, he already has his own business in biotechnology and is going to go very far in life. Why he would be interested in hanging out with someone 20 years older, I dont know, but he is displaying the exact admiration I saw in the beginning from my previous friend. We have now been hanging out twice a week, playing squash and going for a drink. He seems to be a really nice guy but I am now very suspicious of anybody his age developing this type of interest in me. Could he be another narcissist? Am I an empath, and that's why these young guys are pursuing my friendship, because they subconsciously sense that about me? It doesnt help that I am more 'open' to them than I otherwise would be because they are young and sexy.
Anyway, this is my story so far. I would love to hear any comments and observations. If youve made it this far down the page, I am grateful!
Declan
I'm 51 bi guy previously from N carolina now in michigan, in a relationship with a teacher from Germany who i've known for a decade. She knows i'm bi, we're monogamous. About 2 years ago a good looking str8 guy of 28 I met in gym befriended me. I was very flattered and attracted to him. I couldnt understand why he was so fascinated by me but he was, pouring praise on me for being a nice successful person he looked up to, and bombarded me with texts. The bromance got intense very quickly, he seemed to toy with me sexually, altho no doubt he is str8 (cheated multiply on his girlfriend but their relationship is relaxed in that way). I saw him naked a couple of times in gym and was physically attracted to him, nice uncut cock, beautiful body. But it was his personality I fell for. I told him everything about myself, my secrets, stuff i have only ever told my girlfriend. He didnt tell me much about himself as he appeared so enraptured with me that I didnt care.
One night, after a night out on the town, he stayed at my apartment as my girlfriend was away. He brought a woman back with him who he had picked up earlier, and they fucked in my spare room, her panting and moans were the hottest thing I have ever heard. At one point, I walked into the kitchen where he was pouring himself water and he said she was awesome and asked if I wanted to join them for a devils threesome. Lust got the better of me, it was the horniest I have ever been, and I said yes, yes, yes, but when he went back to ask her, she was against it, so it never happened. I am pleased, in hindsight, because my girlfriend would have been upset. I was thinking with my cock.
After 9/10 months, I noticed he was quite possessive of me. At first I was flattered, and didnt discourage it, finding it amusing. My girlfriend and I started to argue more, and my bromance poisoned my relationship. It wasnt just that she was jealous, but she met him about a few times and just plain didnt like him,even though she admitted he was very good looking and could see why I liked him. Once we met him and his girlfriend for a movie, it was a nice evening, but my girlfriend didnt like the way he spoke to his girlfriend. He started making more demands on my time, getting ugly when i said no. Then, very subtly, things changed. He started in every conversation to belittle me, critisize and use the things I'd told him about myself against me.
At first I excused it, telling myself i had lost my sense of humor and was taking myself too seriously (this is what he told me as well). But it amped up and up, some things he said were the cruelest things anybody has ever said to me (too many things to go into here, but really awful). Slowly, I started to wise up. I began to dread seeing him or talking to him. I changed my gym times and didn't answer my phone everytime he called. But I had a major problem - all the secrets I had told him would seriously embarrass me if he told anybody else (such as my bisexuality). He had even joked a couple of times: 'imagine all your friends and family know the real you'. We had a few friends in common and I had no doubt he would burn me if he I blanked him. My true breaking point came when he ignored me/didnt call for a month to 'teach me a lesson' because I had chosen to spend time with my girlfriend instead of going to have a drink with him.
During this time, I started to look into something he had once joked about himself that I hadnt believed at the time. He said he loved manipulating people (especially girls to get them into bed), and had laughed saying I was very susceptible to manipulation. Now I have always believed 'narcissism' is just a word that is bandied about to describe someone who is a bit full of themselves, like Trump. But I had never known about 'narcissistic personality disorder'. I started reading online, and to my horror, realised I was dealing with someone with full blown NPD (they are quite rare, despite the word narcissist being used freely). The more I read, the more the full horror dawned on me. We had gone through the phases: idealization (when he had poured praise on me); devaluation (the criticisms that started to come through); and discard (when he ignored me). He has no empathy, is openly manipulative and has very few friends, who he bitches about, and he is cruel, using things he knows against me to get a reaction, which is known as narcissistic supply.
But wait... arent narcissists supposed to be showboats who are flashy and loud and larger than life? That is what I had always thought. My friend, though, was quiet, deferential, introverted. How could he be narcissistic? Reading further, I discovered there are 'covert narcissists' which are even more dangerous because you dont see them coming. I hadnt seen this one coming! A first indicator of a 'covert' is that they are victims - everything is everybody else's fault, the world is against them, they are quick to take offense, and truly believe they are superior and their brilliance is unrecognized. This was him, 100 percent.
The moment I knew he has NPD, I had a dilemma. The only way to get rid of these people is to cut them out completely. Unless they are family or ex spouse or fellow workers or they have 'dirt' on you - in which case, you have to use something called 'gray rock method'. This means you tell them nothing except the essential facts, no drama, no passion, no complaining, just dry, boring facts. When you deal with them, you imagine you are observing a parasite under a microscope and instead of being injured by their bite, you become fascinated that you are able to observe someone with a terrible disease up close. By doing this you 'bore' them out of your life. They want 'supply' and when you fail to provide it, they move on. And by not 'blanking' them or rejecting them, you allow them to exit the relationship on their terms, thinking they have won. This means you don't trigger their 'narcissistic injury' which leads to 'narcissistic rage', which is when they take revenge by doing anything legal to hurt you back.
'Gray rock' method worked for me. My friend became bored, stopped calling, and I havent heard from him in several months. He works for a large accountancy firm and is being transferred to another branch out of state. I hope I never hear from him again.
BUT... just as me and my girlfriend were getting back on our feet (we went to visit her family in Germany and had a wonderful time, it healed our wounds, although I dont think the damage will ever be completely repaired), an acquaintance from my past contacted me out of the blue. We had worked on a contract together five years ago and he had looked me up to reconnect. And you guessed it - he's exactly my type, even looks like my previous friend, in his twenties, beautiful body, good looking, very straight. The biggest difference is that he is more outgoing and confident than my old friend, he already has his own business in biotechnology and is going to go very far in life. Why he would be interested in hanging out with someone 20 years older, I dont know, but he is displaying the exact admiration I saw in the beginning from my previous friend. We have now been hanging out twice a week, playing squash and going for a drink. He seems to be a really nice guy but I am now very suspicious of anybody his age developing this type of interest in me. Could he be another narcissist? Am I an empath, and that's why these young guys are pursuing my friendship, because they subconsciously sense that about me? It doesnt help that I am more 'open' to them than I otherwise would be because they are young and sexy.
Anyway, this is my story so far. I would love to hear any comments and observations. If youve made it this far down the page, I am grateful!
Declan