Calling all bi and gay guys...! need some assistance!

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

One of my best friends is supposedly "straight"! However, back in January he was bicurious or bisexual; and has always been interested in going to the gay bars and clubs. I keep noticing him staring at my crotch when sitting across from him or when laying down on his sofa. I have also noticed that he watches me when I am naked too.

He said things would be much easier for him if society was more fair, but it is not currently! He also told me that his parents are rather conservative, and that hinders his feelings as well. He has been in two long term relationships with women (one was 1 year and the other was a 3-4 year off and on relationship)but never seems happy with them, and only seems to keep them around as a friend. He also has expressed he does not want kids and wants that in his partner as well. He currently lives in NYC, but would consider a second home in San Francisco, Seattly, Chicago, Washington, D.C., where we lived previously, Vancouver and Portland Oregon. He wants me to go with him to South Beach this November, and also take a quick jaunt to the Keys.

When I talk to him my gaydar goes off BIG time and he always holds eye contact with me very well. I asked him where he is on the spectrum and he siad he does not believe in black and white, but shades of gray. He said at first he was a 90 on a scale of a 100 being completely straight. I believe he is more like a 20 or 30 than he actually purports to be, but he is deeply closeted at this time. As I stated before he enjoys the gay clubs and bars, and takes me to them when we go at times. He however, does go to the mixed clubs I prefer as well.

All of my gay friends thought him and I were having a relationship, because they thought or know he is gay and we hang out all the time. He is truly a wonderful guy, but he just needs some direction in life, to be a bit more comfortable with himself. He was never really into sports, but played football in M.S. and H.S. after he quit playing soccer. He also does not watch any sports and just likes to shop, travel, hike, run, bike, and go clubbing. I am trying my best to introduce him to the otherside. He has told me on many occasions that he has feeling for me and cares about me, but he just does not know how others would react! He enjoys being touched by other men whether it be just a back rub or holding his hand, and he has never pulled away.

Everytime I have introduced him to another gay friend or friends, they always ask, "is he in the closet or out"!

What should I do?

 

[Jake77]

I think the best advice is to be supportive, he has to find his own path and by having true friends to support them, he will eventually find the path that is right for him.

Be patient and understanding, and just be a good friend, and not push him into anything that you and he might regret later.

Life is a long road, we can turn right or left and only time will tell if it is the right path.

 

[sbeBen]

I don't think you should do anything rash. He sounds like he needs time. You are a really good friend to him and I would suggest you just carry on doing what your doing.

As you already mentioned: your friend does not think black and white. I am in agreement with him! Labelling can do harm sometimes I think.

What to tell your friends? why tell them anything? Tell them to ask him themselves if they want to know. I think labels can do no good in the prevention of predjudism.

Good luck to you both!

 

[rocck333]

Hey Chance

I am a 55 year old gay straight acting male. My best friend is a gay straight acting 33 male. We are best friends. Have been for the last 8 years. We have partied together, slept together and been thru alot together. We have never had sex. Thats the truth. I am fairly good lookin for my age. He is very good lookin. We talk about everything: sex, ass fuckin, relationships, masturbation. Its great to have a friend you can express anything to. The thought of having sex with of course has entered both our minds, but it is not a priority. Our friendship is the priority. Thank God I have him. He has told me the same thing. Hope this helps.

 

[sexplease]

Hi Chance,
All people and all life forms unfold and grow at a pace that is unique to themselves. Growth can be influenced of course, hastened or slowed, but the beauty of all of us, and all living things and creatures is the journey made from beginning to end.

What should you do? Enjoy the time you have to spend together.

Michael*

 

[collegedude1]

Just be of support to him and let him deal with things in his own ways and own time. Don't force anything.

 

[Dorian_Gray]

Gosh... I had this same kind of experience/problem. My experience was with this "straight" friend of mine. He had every sign of being bi or even gay to an extent. But he would never act on it at all. He had the most sensual voice that would just make you drool if you listened to him talk for longer than 30sec. I know he had relationships with women but he hadn't had one in months and there were several women that he could have had at anytime he wanted. He also never played any kind of contact sports or anything, just track and he did love some shopping... it got to where we would go shopping so much and stuff like that that people thought that we were going out or something. But I just gave him some time and eventually he came around.

 

[rusty__]

I agree with all of the above....well said guys!!!
Let nature takes its course and continue being the good friend you are chance! :smile:

 

[silvertriumph2]

Chance, don't push it.

He knows how you feel and if you want to keep his friendship, which I think is indeed the case, you must let him make the first move. I'm sure making that move will be very scary for him. So, if he does make that first move, for heaven's sake don't go all crazy and jump his bones, and scare him to death! Take it slowly and ease into the new relationship.

It sounds like you have some real strong feelings for him (maybe love?), although you haven't come out and said it. If you cherish this friendship, but want something more, be supportive and know that it will probably be a huge life changing experience for him to come out to you, or to declare his true feelings for you.

You won't be sorry, my friend. I know, since it has happened to me.

Good Luck

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

Hey Chance

I am a 55 year old gay straight acting male. My best friend is a gay straight acting 33 male. We are best friends. Have been for the last 8 years. We have partied together, slept together and been thru alot together. We have never had sex. Thats the truth. I am fairly good lookin for my age. He is very good lookin. We talk about everything: sex, ass fuckin, relationships, masturbation. Its great to have a friend you can express anything to. The thought of having sex with of course has entered both our minds, but it is not a priority. Our friendship is the priority. Thank God I have him. He has told me the same thing. Hope this helps.

We just had a very interesting conversation on Saturday...and he has opened up much more...believe he will be coming out soon!

Hi Chance,
All people and all life forms unfold and grow at a pace that is unique to themselves. Growth can be influenced of course, hastened or slowed, but the beauty of all of us, and all living things and creatures is the journey made from beginning to end.

What should you do? Enjoy the time you have to spend together.

Michael*

Exactly...he and I had a deep conversation on Saturday..and I believe he will be coming out soon!

Gosh... I had this same kind of experience/problem. My experience was with this "straight" friend of mine. He had every sign of being bi or even gay to an extent. But he would never act on it at all. He had the most sensual voice that would just make you drool if you listened to him talk for longer than 30sec. I know he had relationships with women but he hadn't had one in months and there were several women that he could have had at anytime he wanted. He also never played any kind of contact sports or anything, just track and he did love some shopping... it got to where we would go shopping so much and stuff like that that people thought that we were going out or something. But I just gave him some time and eventually he came around.

I agree with all of the above....well said guys!!!
Let nature takes its course and continue being the good friend you are chance! :smile:

I believe I have assisted him with "showing him the way", because we had a conversation on Saturday where he said to me about how much I opened his eyes..

Chance, don't push it.

He knows how you feel and if you want to keep his friendship, which I think is indeed the case, you must let him make the first move. I'm sure making that move will be very scary for him. So, if he does make that first move, for heaven's sake don't go all crazy and jump his bones, and scare him to death! Take it slowly and ease into the new relationship.

It sounds like you have some real strong feelings for him (maybe love?), although you haven't come out and said it. If you cherish this friendship, but want something more, be supportive and know that it will probably be a huge life changing experience for him to come out to you, or to declare his true feelings for you.

You won't be sorry, my friend. I know, since it has happened to me.

Good Luck

I won't push it! He wants to go back packing in October, and said that our previous conversations have helped him come to terms with what he buried when he was 14. He said he just wishes society would not be so cruel and accept others for who they are.

I do love him...yes, you're correct!

 

[silvertriumph2]

I believe I have assisted him with "showing him the way", because we had a conversation on Saturday where he said to me about how much I opened his eyes..

I won't push it! He wants to go back packing in October, and said that our previous conversations have helped him come to terms with what he buried when he was 14. He said he just wishes society would not be so cruel and accept others for who they are.
(DON'T WE ALL!...MY COMMENT!)

I do love him...yes, you're correct!

Beautiful, now you've actually said it and it's out in the open. You love him! Now we all know.

Chance, you are doing it exactly right, going slowly, having constructive and positive conversations together. You are preparing him to make the descision best for him, and for you too. I commend you for your insite and for helping him throught this difficult period of his life. Whatever, the outcome, your friendship should be greatly strengthened by your wisdom.

I want it all to go your way, which I'm sure are also your deep inner wishes. I'm a real, blubbering romantic, my friend, so I very much want to hear that you both will be riding off into the NYC sunset, to live a long, loving, and wonderful life together.

Good Luck, from another in NYC.
Silver

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Hey Chance

I am a 55 year old gay straight acting male. My best friend is a gay straight acting 33 male. We are best friends. Have been for the last 8 years. We have partied together, slept together and been thru alot together. We have never had sex. Thats the truth. I am fairly good lookin for my age. He is very good lookin. We talk about everything: sex, ass fuckin, relationships, masturbation. Its great to have a friend you can express anything to. The thought of having sex with of course has entered both our minds, but it is not a priority. Our friendship is the priority. Thank God I have him. He has told me the same thing. Hope this helps.

I like this response. I think it's super important not to let a horny desire for sex get in the way of a loving friendhship. I don't think that true friendships are very common, and i would never sacrifice that love unless both people are clear about what's happening. I've messed up some close connections with girls because I was horny.

 

[e1ectricfee1]

From the sounds of things, it seems like you're doing the right thing. When it comes up again, if he shows any sign of slowing down, just let him know that you're there for support. Tell him it's his life and you're leaving his decision in his hands.
I think it's important to play a strictly supportive role, though, or else you'll do what others have mentioned and rush too much on him.

Also, expose him more to people you know will accept him for who he is. If he catches onto that, he'll be more and more willing to come out.

Good luck.

 

[silvertriumph2]

From the sounds of things, it seems like you're doing the right thing. When it comes up again, if he shows any sign of slowing down, just let him know that you're there for support. Tell him it's his life and you're leaving his decision in his hands.
I think it's important to play a strictly supportive role, though, or else you'll do what others have mentioned and rush too much on him.

Also, expose him more to people you know will accept him for who he is. If he catches onto that, he'll be more and more willing to come out.

Good luck.

Excellent advice raien.l

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

Beautiful, now you've actually said it and it's out in the open. You love him! Now we all know.

Chance, you are doing it exactly right, going slowly, having constructive and positive conversations together. You are preparing him to make the descision best for him, and for you too. I commend you for your insite and for helping him throught this difficult period of his life. Whatever, the outcome, your friendship should be greatly strengthened by your wisdom.

I want it all to go your way, which I'm sure are also your deep inner wishes. I'm a real, blubbering romantic, my friend, so I very much want to hear that you both will be riding off into the NYC sunset, to live a long, loving, and wonderful life together.

Good Luck, from another in NYC.
Silver

I think he is coming around now...and hopefully will be coming out in the next few months. However, I plan to let him come out at his own speed!

I like this response. I think it's super important not to let a horny desire for sex get in the way of a loving friendhship. I don't think that true friendships are very common, and i would never sacrifice that love unless both people are clear about what's happening. I've messed up some close connections with girls because I was horny.

True friendships are very rare...and he is one of those. I believe true friendships are the best beginnings to wonderful full blown relationships.

From the sounds of things, it seems like you're doing the right thing. When it comes up again, if he shows any sign of slowing down, just let him know that you're there for support. Tell him it's his life and you're leaving his decision in his hands.
I think it's important to play a strictly supportive role, though, or else you'll do what others have mentioned and rush too much on him.

Also, expose him more to people you know will accept him for who he is. If he catches onto that, he'll be more and more willing to come out.

Good luck.

I keep intorducing him to other gay men and also straight men who will support him. He and i go out every weekend with our gay friends..

 

[silvertriumph2]

I think he is coming around now...and hopefully will be coming out in the next few months. However, I plan to let him come out at his own speed!

True friendships are very rare...and he is one of those. I believe true friendships are the best beginnings to wonderful full blown relationships.

I keep intorducing him to other gay men and also straight men who will support him. He and i go out every weekend with our gay friends..

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Chance:

I'm glad that it seems that he is coming around and that you are going to let him come out on his on.

The above statement about True Friendships being rare and can be the best beginnings to a wonderful and full blown relationship (read love), is so true. I can vouch for it since my partner would have never admitted that he was BI, or for that matter neither would I, at the beginning. He was too involved with women (well I was too), but I felt there was something else. We had been best buddies for years and after military service, we had a ski house together, traveled the world skiing and were almost never apart, day and night. I knew that I loved him, but I couldn't say anything.

Well, after years I finally told him, and was shocked that he wasn't shocked. He said that he had known it for a long time. More years past, but he finally came around and we finally got together, and have been for 20 years. I a sure had I pushed it, we would not be together today. In addition to our love for each other, out friendship is stronger than ever!

Good Luck. I really would like to know the outcome.

Silver
(NYC)

 

[biguy_ondl]

Hi Chance,
All people and all life forms unfold and grow at a pace that is unique to themselves. Growth can be influenced of course, hastened or slowed, but the beauty of all of us, and all living things and creatures is the journey made from beginning to end.

What should you do? Enjoy the time you have to spend together.

Michael*

That my friend is one of the smartest things I read in a long time.:biggthumpup2:

 

[B_RedDude]

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chance:

I'm glad that it seems that he is coming around and that you are going to let him come out on his on.

The above statement about True Friendships being rare and can be the best beginnings to a wonderful and full blown relationship (read love), is so true. I can vouch for it since my partner would have never admitted that he was BI, or for that matter neither would I, at the beginning. He was too involved with women (well I was too), but I felt there was something else. We had been best buddies for years and after military service, we had a ski house together, traveled the world skiing and were almost never apart, day and night. I knew that I loved him, but I couldn't say anything.

Well, after years I finally told him, and was shocked that he wasn't shocked. He said that he had known it for a long time. More years past, but he finally came around and we finally got together, and have been for 20 years. I a sure had I pushed it, we would not be together today. In addition to our love for each other, out friendship is stronger than ever!

Good Luck. I really would like to know the outcome.

Silver
(NYC)

What a beauiful story Silver!

 

[BigHole]

Oh you do have to be so careful with these things, I once fell in lust with one of my best friends who identified as straight, and I was getting big vibes that he felt the same, unfortunately his girl friend was my bff, one night we got really really drunk and fell into bed together, she walked in and suffice to say, they're still together and I no longer talk to either of them. Most people aren't 100% either way, but they're worried about letting out feelings that society has certain problems with, if they poke their head out once and have a bad reaction they can go so far the other way you'll lose them all together. SLow and steady wins the race.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chance:

I'm glad that it seems that he is coming around and that you are going to let him come out on his on.

The above statement about True Friendships being rare and can be the best beginnings to a wonderful and full blown relationship (read love), is so true. I can vouch for it since my partner would have never admitted that he was BI, or for that matter neither would I, at the beginning. He was too involved with women (well I was too), but I felt there was something else. We had been best buddies for years and after military service, we had a ski house together, traveled the world skiing and were almost never apart, day and night. I knew that I loved him, but I couldn't say anything.

Well, after years I finally told him, and was shocked that he wasn't shocked. He said that he had known it for a long time. More years past, but he finally came around and we finally got together, and have been for 20 years. I a sure had I pushed it, we would not be together today. In addition to our love for each other, out friendship is stronger than ever!

Good Luck. I really would like to know the outcome.

Silver
(NYC)

Very touching story...congrats!

Oh you do have to be so careful with these things, I once fell in lust with one of my best friends who identified as straight, and I was getting big vibes that he felt the same, unfortunately his girl friend was my bff, one night we got really really drunk and fell into bed together, she walked in and suffice to say, they're still together and I no longer talk to either of them. Most people aren't 100% either way, but they're worried about letting out feelings that society has certain problems with, if they poke their head out once and have a bad reaction they can go so far the other way you'll lose them all together. SLow and steady wins the race.

I understand that....but he and I are more like each others family...than we are friends. I mean we are best friends, but he wants to be my life partner...he has already made a few comments like that..but he just needs to become a little more comfortable with himself.