Calling all bi and gay guys...! need some assistance!

[tim36]

I would echo what many said here, let your friend discover for himself his true feelings on his identity sexually, at his own pace and just be there to support him every step of the way, you value him as a friend and truly care about him, that is great and something that all people want to have, someone who truly cares about him/her and will stand by them through the good times and the bad.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

I would echo what many said here, let your friend discover for himself his true feelings on his identity sexually, at his own pace and just be there to support him every step of the way, you value him as a friend and truly care about him, that is great and something that all people want to have, someone who truly cares about him/her and will stand by them through the good times and the bad.

I am definitely letting him discover his true sexuality. I am here for support, but he is also pushing me to do things...and I want him to take this slow, and not rush into anything!

 

[DC_DEEP]

Chance, there have already been some excellent posts, so I won't repeat what they have said so well.

One thing, though, in your original post - he's from a conservative family, and that weighs on his mind.

I went through the same thing, agonizing over that for several years, wondering "what will they think? what will they say? how will they react?"

Through a strange series of circumstances, I ended up coming out to one of my sisters, before I had actually planned to. We were always pretty close. She actually cried, and said "I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you all these years, having to be two people. You have to come out. You have to do it now."

I thought about that conversation for a while, and started asking myself, "If my family really loves me, will it make a difference? If it does make a difference, what is more important to me - to be who I really am, without them, or to keep letting them love a person who is not really me?" That's what really made up my mind. I mentally prepared myself to tell them "I'm gay; I'm still the same person you've known all our lives. If you're ok with that, great. If you're not ok with it, have a nice life without me." It went well, we all get along great. But I really was prepared to leave behind anyone who would reject me simply because they learned that I was gay.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

Chance, there have already been some excellent posts, so I won't repeat what they have said so well.

One thing, though, in your original post - he's from a conservative family, and that weighs on his mind.

I went through the same thing, agonizing over that for several years, wondering "what will they think? what will they say? how will they react?"

Through a strange series of circumstances, I ended up coming out to one of my sisters, before I had actually planned to. We were always pretty close. She actually cried, and said "I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you all these years, having to be two people. You have to come out. You have to do it now."

I thought about that conversation for a while, and started asking myself, "If my family really loves me, will it make a difference? If it does make a difference, what is more important to me - to be who I really am, without them, or to keep letting them love a person who is not really me?" That's what really made up my mind. I mentally prepared myself to tell them "I'm gay; I'm still the same person you've known all our lives. If you're ok with that, great. If you're not ok with it, have a nice life without me." It went well, we all get along great. But I really was prepared to leave behind anyone who would reject me simply because they learned that I was gay.

Wow...that sounds great! Bryan is very close to his mother and I think she will be fine with it! His father lived in Alabama, and might not be so much! He is not that close to his father and his parents are divorced. His sister and him have not been close really ever. They don't see each other that much, and when they do, it is not for very long.

 

[DC_DEEP]

Wow...that sounds great! Bryan is very close to his mother and I think she will be fine with it! His father lived in Alabama, and might not be so much! He is not that close to his father and his parents are divorced. His sister and him have not been close really ever. They don't see each other that much, and when they do, it is not for very long.

:biggrin1:If he and his mother are close, she already knows. Trust me.

I didn't mean for my previous post to sound like I advocated you pushing him; he has to go on his own time line. But the part about which is more important, their love along with all the deceit, or the 50/50 chance of love or rejection when he comes out, is something important that he really needs to start turning over in his mind.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

:biggrin1:If he and his mother are close, she already knows. Trust me.

I didn't mean for my previous post to sound like I advocated you pushing him; he has to go on his own time line. But the part about which is more important, their love along with all the deceit, or the 50/50 chance of love or rejection when he comes out, is something important that he really needs to start turning over in his mind.

His mother and him are very close, but he has always said he has a girlfriend when ihe didn't or had one as a beard. He now is single and she knows that...but she did meet some of his ex-gf's too! I think a mother generally knows too...but does that always hold true?

 

[silvertriumph2]

I read a British medical report some time ago regarding a study made to learn if mothers of gay or lesbian children intuitively and instinctively knew the sexual identity of their children. Although I had always assumed that mothers knew more than they disclosed, I was extremely surprised to learn how many knew, accepted it, but chose not to disclose it. I tried to find the report on the Internet again, but couldn't.

I don't remember the exact percentages, but I was impressed with the fact that more knew than those that said they did not know, and those that knew accepted it, unconditionally or reluctantly, because of their love of their child. I believe the percentages of the mothers that knew was 85%. Some of these mothers were did not have a close relationship with their child, but the largest percentage of these mothers had a long and very close and loving relationship with their son or daughter. The majority of the knowing mothers chose not to reveal it to their children unless the children admitted it to them that they were gay or lesbian.

Since Bryan, unfortunately, is not close to other members of his family, I am sure that it is extrememly important and worrisome to him that he not lose the love of his mother. I know that would be important to me too. Let's hope and pray that his mother is one of those 85% and will accept him as he is. I am quite confident that she will.

Again, Chance, I wish the best for you and Bryan for a great future together.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

I read a British medical report some time ago regarding a study made to learn if mothers of gay or lesbian children intuitively and instinctively knew the sexual identity of their children. Although I had always assumed that mothers knew more than they disclosed, I was extremely surprised to learn how many knew, accepted it, but chose not to disclose it. I tried to find the report on the Internet again, but couldn't.

I don't remember the exact percentages, but I was impressed with the fact that more knew than those that said they did not know, and those that knew accepted it, unconditionally or reluctantly, because of their love of their child. I believe the percentages of the mothers that knew was 85%. Some of these mothers were did not have a close relationship with their child, but the largest percentage of these mothers had a long and very close and loving relationship with their son or daughter. The majority of the knowing mothers chose not to reveal it to their children unless the children admitted it to them that they were gay or lesbian.

Since Bryan, unfortunately, is not close to other members of his family, I am sure that it is extrememly important and worrisome to him that he not lose the love of his mother. I know that would be important to me too. Let's hope and pray that his mother is one of those 85% and will accept him as he is. I am quite confident that she will.

Again, Chance, I wish the best for you and Bryan for a great future together.

Very interesting indeed! I would love to read that article sometime if you do find it! Thanks, about your comment about Bryan and I.

 

[Shiningdog]

Bullshit to all. Invite him over, give him a cold beer, put a male porno film on, and in about the 3rd beer, pull your pants off and stroke some hard dick, and look HIM in the eye. THEN you'll know where he stands. If he gets up and leaves, then close the door behind him. If he has been throwing out hints all along, then this is his golden opportunity. Quit trying to be his psychiatrist, and give him some dick and cum. THAT is what he wants, brothers!

 

[Falcon9]

Bullshit to all. Invite him over, give him a cold beer, put a male porno film on, and in about the 3rd beer, pull your pants off and stroke some hard dick, and look HIM in the eye. THEN you'll know where he stands. If he gets up and leaves, then close the door behind him. If he has been throwing out hints all along, then this is his golden opportunity. Quit trying to be his psychiatrist, and give him some dick and cum. THAT is what he wants, brothers!

no, you got it wrong... from the posts we know this gentleman has reservations about expressing his sexuality from living in an unaccepting environment ( a conservative family, possibly religious upbringing). To feel comfortable for some requires a lot more than watching a porn with a friend. In fact, those that seek a long term "life partner" as mentioned above are looking for other things that will make them feel comfortable... like establishing trust. Being someone's psychiatrist and genuinely loving someone and being careful of their feelings are two different things. Patience has its rewards. If the OP's patience and heart are strong, who are we to say what is best. If however he is sacrificing his own needs for receiving warmth and love, he may well need to rethink his position. Plenty of individuals will put others first, often falling for people that "aren't available." (It is a safe way of being in a relationship since by not having the other person, there is no real risk of losing the person.) In fact, sex for the sake of sex carries no real emotional risk in this same sense as no other deeper feelings are on the line. Each of us in our own way has to find where we stand. For some, intimacy and sex are linked with love and caring, for others sex is sex. My guess is that both of these gentlemen seek a deeper connection and not something based on a common denominator. With that in mind I wish them and any others in this search much luck and happiness.

 

[SoFla8]

I'm wondering if, despite his desires, he's not keen on picking a side/label. Maybe he's attracted to men sexually but isn't willing to identify himself as gay or bi. Some guys (myself included) are happy being "occasionally Bi".

I think a frank and honest conversation is in order. "Have you ever thought about being with a man?" might be a good start.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

no, you got it wrong... from the posts we know this gentleman has reservations about expressing his sexuality from living in an unaccepting environment ( a conservative family, possibly religious upbringing). To feel comfortable for some requires a lot more than watching a porn with a friend. In fact, those that seek a long term "life partner" as mentioned above are looking for other things that will make them feel comfortable... like establishing trust. Being someone's psychiatrist and genuinely loving someone and being careful of their feelings are two different things. Patience has its rewards. If the OP's patience and heart are strong, who are we to say what is best. If however he is sacrificing his own needs for receiving warmth and love, he may well need to rethink his position. Plenty of individuals will put others first, often falling for people that "aren't available." (It is a safe way of being in a relationship since by not having the other person, there is no real risk of losing the person.) In fact, sex for the sake of sex carries no real emotional risk in this same sense as no other deeper feelings are on the line. Each of us in our own way has to find where we stand. For some, intimacy and sex are linked with love and caring, for others sex is sex. My guess is that both of these gentlemen seek a deeper connection and not something based on a common denominator. With that in mind I wish them and any others in this search much luck and happiness.

He was raised Catholic similar to myself, at least the one side of the family, my other side is Jewish. Him and I however are Agnostic. You are correct, we wish for a deeper connection, but we do both like sex, but not just for sex, but to share our emotions.

I'm wondering if, despite his desires, he's not keen on picking a side/label. Maybe he's attracted to men sexually but isn't willing to identify himself as gay or bi. Some guys (myself included) are happy being "occasionally Bi".

I think a frank and honest conversation is in order. "Have you ever thought about being with a man?" might be a good start.

I don't see him being "occasionally Bi", he is either gay, or bisexual, but he leans more towards men!

 

[musclebutt2]

no, you got it wrong... from the posts we know this gentleman has reservations about expressing his sexuality from living in an unaccepting environment ( a conservative family, possibly religious upbringing). To feel comfortable for some requires a lot more than watching a porn with a friend. In fact, those that seek a long term "life partner" as mentioned above are looking for other things that will make them feel comfortable... like establishing trust. Being someone's psychiatrist and genuinely loving someone and being careful of their feelings are two different things. Patience has its rewards. If the OP's patience and heart are strong, who are we to say what is best. If however he is sacrificing his own needs for receiving warmth and love, he may well need to rethink his position. Plenty of individuals will put others first, often falling for people that "aren't available." (It is a safe way of being in a relationship since by not having the other person, there is no real risk of losing the person.) In fact, sex for the sake of sex carries no real emotional risk in this same sense as no other deeper feelings are on the line. Each of us in our own way has to find where we stand. For some, intimacy and sex are linked with love and caring, for others sex is sex. My guess is that both of these gentlemen seek a deeper connection and not something based on a common denominator. With that in mind I wish them and any others in this search much luck and happiness.

Wow, after that post I think I have a minicrush on Hardguard.

Ummm, just be careful Chance... if he is very close to his mother it might not be pretty if she decides to go through denial. My first boyfriend popped in'n'out of the closet multiple times with his mom because she always considered his non-hetero sexuality a phase. Throughout his coming out process I was supportive and asked him if he needed to talk. His response was that he had already dealt with it. Ultimately this wrecked our three year relationship and he has since gone back to dating women; we are no longer on speaking terms. These days I occassionaly see him out at gay bars, but steer a wide berth. He broke my heart once already but to be completely frank, his issues are no longer my problem. It's one thing to loose a lover, but to also loose a best friend can be very painful.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

Wow, after that post I think I have a minicrush on Hardguard.

Ummm, just be careful Chance... if he is very close to his mother it might not be pretty if she decides to go through denial. My first boyfriend popped in'n'out of the closet multiple times with his mom because she always considered his non-hetero sexuality a phase. Throughout his coming out process I was supportive and asked him if he needed to talk. His response was that he had already dealt with it. Ultimately this wrecked our three year relationship and he has since gone back to dating women; we are no longer on speaking terms. These days I occassionaly see him out at gay bars, but steer a wide berth. He broke my heart once already but to be completely frank, his issues are no longer my problem. It's one thing to loose a lover, but to also loose a best friend can be very painful.

I understand! I however, don't see myself ever losing Bryan as a friend. I think our relationship is becoming deeper, at least on a more emotional level too. I just wish I could assist him with getting him past his conservative family!

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

Does anyone else believe that I'm on the right track? I do wish to assist him, and don;t want to rush it! I however, think he is very depressed and I just am not sure what to do about that...

 

[silvertriumph2]

Does anyone else believe that I'm on the right track? I do wish to assist him, and don;t want to rush it! I however, think he is very depressed and I just am not sure what to do about that...

Yes, I think, no I know, that you are on the right track and that you are doing all the right things up to this point. It does seem, however, that Bryan is fighting a battle inside of himself and that, Chance, is a battle that he has to fight alone, and settle alone. You can only be there with your love, understanding, and your support.

You have to be the stronger one now. Probably even more that at any other time during your relationship. Tell him that you love him and how much you mean to him and how much you cherish his friendship. Make sure that he understands that, whatever his decision might be, that you will be supportive and love him all the same. And Chance, I am sure that he also is worried about what his decision may effect you, so he has a hell of a lot on his plate now. I really feel for him as much as I feel for you.

I hope that your forthcoming October trip together will be an awakening and will bring a happy ending for the both of you. Your brothers and sisters here at lpsg want the best for you both.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

Yes, I think, no I know, that you are on the right track and that you are doing all the right things up to this point. It does seem, however, that Bryan is fighting a battle inside of himself and that, Chance, is a battle that he has to fight alone, and settle alone. You can only be there with your love, understanding, and your support.

You have to be the stronger one now. Probably even more that at any other time during your relationship. Tell him that you love him and how much you mean to him and how much you cherish his friendship. Make sure that he understands that, whatever his decision might be, that you will be supportive and love him all the same. And Chance, I am sure that he also is worried about what his decision may effect you, so he has a hell of a lot on his plate now. I really feel for him as much as I feel for you.

I hope that your forthcoming October trip together will be an awakening and will bring a happy ending for the both of you. Your brothers and sisters here at lpsg want the best for you both.

Thanks silver, that means a lot to me! I Do know he is considering his decision and how it is going to effect me, that he has said already! I will be there for him always, and no matter what.

I think the October trip to the Catskills will be SUPER...and he is planning some things..which he won;t tell me yet!

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

I'm wondering if, despite his desires, he's not keen on picking a side/label. Maybe he's attracted to men sexually but isn't willing to identify himself as gay or bi. Some guys (myself included) are happy being "occasionally Bi".

I think a frank and honest conversation is in order. "Have you ever thought about being with a man?" might be a good start.

Please explain..."occasionally..bi", and what type of conversation I should have with him.

When I spoke with Bryan yesterday, he said he is now getting little sleep and keeps thinking about his sexuality. He said he has been meaning to ask me something, but does not know how to ask it! I think he is going to aks me about an LTR.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Please explain..."occasionally..bi", and what type of conversation I should have with him.

When I spoke with Bryan yesterday, he said he is now getting little sleep and keeps thinking about his sexuality. He said he has been meaning to ask me something, but does not know how to ask it! I think he is going to aks me about an LTR.

I've been thinking about that October get together and hoping the best for the two of you for so long now, AND holding everythng crossed for good luck, that I've got cramps! :wink:

I hope what you want to hear is what he wants to ask you, but if not, play it cool. What ever is meant to be, will be! Good Luck, buddy.

 

[D_Iskepee_Longwoodee]

I've been thinking about that October get together and hoping the best for the two of you for so long now, AND holding everythng crossed for good luck, that I've got cramps! :wink:

I hope what you want to hear is what he wants to ask you, but if not, play it cool. What ever is meant to be, will be! Good Luck, buddy.

Thanks Silver...That really means a lot! I hope those cramps...go away, but keep up the hopes!

I do know which way this will play out really...because of how our talks have been going recently...or at least I think I do!:nervous: