Calling it quits after 38 years together

lookin4d

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Well it looks like after 38 years together we're going to call it quits and get divorced. For the last couple of years we've grown further and further apart. I have completely moved out of the master bedroom and into the guest room. We are not even room mates at this point. We hardly speak to each other and when we do it usually turns into a fight. I am going to turn 57 at the end of this week. He turned 65 in July. I was 19 years old when we got together in 1985. We both worked very full time our entire time together and mostly had opposite schedules. So, we didn't see each other nearly as much as we do now. I was forced to retire in 2014, because of a bad heart. He just retired 2 years ago. I know everyone changes over time. I think a combination of spending too much time together and us both changing over time has made us incompatible. We each want different things out of the life we have left. I want to work around our place on the yard and home improvements he does not. He wants to travel. I do not. We went to Hawaii, The Netherlands and Belgium last year, I was so glad to be home. We were supposed to go to India this year but I've decided I'm not going. He just applied for his visa to India. I hope a couple of weeks apart will help each of us to put our relationship into perspective. I found out last year he was smoking. He lied and lied about it but the proof was substantial. A pack of cigarettes and lighter in his glove box of his vehicle. We got into a huge argument and he told me I couldn't trust him and that he was going to continue to lie to me. I think that has made me realize that I no longer love him. If I can't trust you, I certainly can't love you. Continually lying means there's no basis to try and build on, in my opinion. I just don't know what to do. I cannot, no, I will not live in an environment where there's no trust and no honesty. In my mind your significant other should be the one person you can, without a doubt, know that no matter what happens they will always have your back. I'm not saying I'm an angel. I have my faults and short comings but hell at least I don't lie to him and I did ALWAYS have his back. Did. I don't know if I would lay down and die for him. In the past if I had been asked if I would take a bullet for him without hesitation the answer would have been, YES! Now, I'd have to think about it before answering. Another aspect is, our lives are so intertwined I don't see how we could ever untangle them from each other. It's going to be a very stress filled time ahead for me.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Now I have to go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Breath,breath....
I've attached one of our wedding photos.
 

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Ryanlove3456

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Well it looks like after 38 years together we're going to call it quits and get divorced. For the last couple of years we've grown further and further apart. I have completely moved out of the master bedroom and into the guest room. We are not even room mates at this point. We hardly speak to each other and when we do it usually turns into a fight. I am going to turn 57 at the end of this week. He turned 65 in July. I was 19 years old when we got together in 1985. We both worked very full time our entire time together and mostly had opposite schedules. So, we didn't see each other nearly as much as we do now. I was forced to retire in 2014, because of a bad heart. He just retired 2 years ago. I know everyone changes over time. I think a combination of spending too much time together and us both changing over time has made us incompatible. We each want different things out of the life we have left. I want to work around our place on the yard and home improvements he does not. He wants to travel. I do not. We went to Hawaii, The Netherlands and Belgium last year, I was so glad to be home. We were supposed to go to India this year but I've decided I'm not going. He just applied for his visa to India. I hope a couple of weeks apart will help each of us to put our relationship into perspective. I found out last year he was smoking. He lied and lied about it but the proof was substantial. A pack of cigarettes and lighter in his glove box of his vehicle. We got into a huge argument and he told me I couldn't trust him and that he was going to continue to lie to me. I think that has made me realize that I no longer love him. If I can't trust you, I certainly can't love you. Continually lying means there's no basis to try and build on, in my opinion. I just don't know what to do. I cannot, no, I will not live in an environment where there's no trust and no honesty. In my mind your significant other should be the one person you can, without a doubt, know that no matter what happens they will always have your back. I'm not saying I'm an angel. I have my faults and short comings but hell at least I don't lie to him and I did ALWAYS have his back. Did. I don't know if I would lay down and die for him. In the past if I had been asked if I would take a bullet for him without hesitation the answer would have been, YES! Now, I'd have to think about it before answering. Another aspect is, our lives are so intertwined I don't see how we could ever untangle them from each other. It's going to be a very stress filled time ahead for me.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Now I have to go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Breath,breath....
I've attached one of our wedding photos.
At you guys' age, it's best to get to know each other again and get counseling. Dating is harder for us as we age unless your goal is to be alone for the rest of your life. As a married guy, i emcourage you to work it out because there is NOTHING out here in these streets.
 

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38 years is a long time to throw it all way, things change and couples grow. perhaps counseling. ours brains change as we age, and that is something we have to think about. Additionally, as people get older, they may not care about their health, not because they don't care, but something like drinking or smoking could be the only pain reliever.
 

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just kidding! sorry it's not working out, if it were me, why not just do your separate hobbies and then share your stories when your together. I like doing both of those things, idk if i could just do one, but i think id also hate traveling with another person, well, at this point, i think you both hate each other now, so no going back, but hey nothing ever lasts anyways
 

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Well it looks like after 38 years together we're going to call it quits and get divorced. For the last couple of years we've grown further and further apart. I have completely moved out of the master bedroom and into the guest room. We are not even room mates at this point. We hardly speak to each other and when we do it usually turns into a fight. I am going to turn 57 at the end of this week. He turned 65 in July. I was 19 years old when we got together in 1985. We both worked very full time our entire time together and mostly had opposite schedules. So, we didn't see each other nearly as much as we do now. I was forced to retire in 2014, because of a bad heart. He just retired 2 years ago. I know everyone changes over time. I think a combination of spending too much time together and us both changing over time has made us incompatible. We each want different things out of the life we have left. I want to work around our place on the yard and home improvements he does not. He wants to travel. I do not. We went to Hawaii, The Netherlands and Belgium last year, I was so glad to be home. We were supposed to go to India this year but I've decided I'm not going. He just applied for his visa to India. I hope a couple of weeks apart will help each of us to put our relationship into perspective. I found out last year he was smoking. He lied and lied about it but the proof was substantial. A pack of cigarettes and lighter in his glove box of his vehicle. We got into a huge argument and he told me I couldn't trust him and that he was going to continue to lie to me. I think that has made me realize that I no longer love him. If I can't trust you, I certainly can't love you. Continually lying means there's no basis to try and build on, in my opinion. I just don't know what to do. I cannot, no, I will not live in an environment where there's no trust and no honesty. In my mind your significant other should be the one person you can, without a doubt, know that no matter what happens they will always have your back. I'm not saying I'm an angel. I have my faults and short comings but hell at least I don't lie to him and I did ALWAYS have his back. Did. I don't know if I would lay down and die for him. In the past if I had been asked if I would take a bullet for him without hesitation the answer would have been, YES! Now, I'd have to think about it before answering. Another aspect is, our lives are so intertwined I don't see how we could ever untangle them from each other. It's going to be a very stress filled time ahead for me.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Now I have to go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Breath,breath....
I've attached one of our wedding photos.
hi, not judging, but the basis of this break up struck me "We got into a huge argument and he told me I couldn't trust him and that he was going to continue to lie to me. I think that has made me realize that I no longer love him. If I can't trust you,"... just makes me wonder, why does he have to lie? was he under someone else rule that he could not smoke? Other things too- drink, stay out? Why cannot he smoke if he wants to? Relationships are about relating, not dictating. He obviously felt it was something he needed to hide it. if he is lying about things like that, that might be more of control issue he is going to escape. If he is lying about who he loves and is sleeping with, that is different. Its not about taking a bullet for the one you love, dieing for them, its about living together in a home. So he likes to travel, you do not need to go, he wants to smoke- just not in the house. after 38 years, people are going to change. Anyway, Might be too late, but some counselling and discussion might help. ON the hand this might just be the excuse, but the reason is bigger. Again, no judgement and I might be way off.
 

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You might consider staying together as companions and not lovers. Having spent so much time together - and yet apart - it's not easy to suddenly become a single person, living alone, doing things alone, on one's own. Even though you value the time you spend apart there is always the return to come when some small part of you must be grateful space is being filled.
Just think very clearly about the cons and pro's.
Having gone through a breakup after 12 years, selling the matrimonial home, dividing up the assets, finding out my friends were his friends first - the list is endless.
Of course there will be those out there who will say go for it in a bit way, you're still young enough to start again, but will you, will you ever feel you can trust a person to that extent again?
 

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Well it looks like after 38 years together we're going to call it quits and get divorced. For the last couple of years we've grown further and further apart. I have completely moved out of the master bedroom and into the guest room. We are not even room mates at this point. We hardly speak to each other and when we do it usually turns into a fight. I am going to turn 57 at the end of this week. He turned 65 in July. I was 19 years old when we got together in 1985. We both worked very full time our entire time together and mostly had opposite schedules. So, we didn't see each other nearly as much as we do now. I was forced to retire in 2014, because of a bad heart. He just retired 2 years ago. I know everyone changes over time. I think a combination of spending too much time together and us both changing over time has made us incompatible. We each want different things out of the life we have left. I want to work around our place on the yard and home improvements he does not. He wants to travel. I do not. We went to Hawaii, The Netherlands and Belgium last year, I was so glad to be home. We were supposed to go to India this year but I've decided I'm not going. He just applied for his visa to India. I hope a couple of weeks apart will help each of us to put our relationship into perspective. I found out last year he was smoking. He lied and lied about it but the proof was substantial. A pack of cigarettes and lighter in his glove box of his vehicle. We got into a huge argument and he told me I couldn't trust him and that he was going to continue to lie to me. I think that has made me realize that I no longer love him. If I can't trust you, I certainly can't love you. Continually lying means there's no basis to try and build on, in my opinion. I just don't know what to do. I cannot, no, I will not live in an environment where there's no trust and no honesty. In my mind your significant other should be the one person you can, without a doubt, know that no matter what happens they will always have your back. I'm not saying I'm an angel. I have my faults and short comings but hell at least I don't lie to him and I did ALWAYS have his back. Did. I don't know if I would lay down and die for him. In the past if I had been asked if I would take a bullet for him without hesitation the answer would have been, YES! Now, I'd have to think about it before answering. Another aspect is, our lives are so intertwined I don't see how we could ever untangle them from each other. It's going to be a very stress filled time ahead for me.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Now I have to go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Breath,breath....
I've attached one of our wedding photos.

...Oh, NO ya don't, Baby....DO NOT do this.....38 YEARS!?? ..there are Straights that don't make it to that stage! ...you got to work on it, because THAT'S what a real relationship is....

...I get that you're both in various stages of Life, albeit similar....I'm assuming the Hubby wants to 'live', w/ enjoying vices (smoking), traveling, & sharing time w/ his Husband...YOU, want a stable Home life ('...I was so glad to be home...), and, possibly...POSSIBLY... came off as 'negative Nancy' to him, not sharing the same experience(s).....

...AND, w/ both of you now retired, you have to find outlets that give you BOTH what you want (individually), yet, can share, respectfully.....I also 'get' that you feel betrayed by his lying about smoking, but did you point out to him about your Heart condition, and what it can do to YOU!? ...he probably would re-think it....

....Babe, I was in an 8 Year relationship (1997-2005), and when the Ex asked me to move in w/ him, I was scared, yet elated...BUT, he was so 'scared', he moved....and didn't TELL me, where he moved to! ...It was his way of 'breaking up' w/ me, to get out of the relationship.... you want THAT, to happen to YOU!??....haven't dated anyone SINCE...

...So, when I see someone contemplating a Divorce / breakup, I felt that I should let them know, that it ain't easy, after a certain time period .....'85 is VERY different, from 2023....

....remember the happiness of the Two of you in your Wedding Photo....THAT, is what you should cherish.....try to make it work, Kid.... for better, OR, worse......
 

Ryanlove3456

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...Oh, NO ya don't, Baby....DO NOT do this.....38 YEARS!?? ..there are Straights that don't make it to that stage! ...you got to work on it, because THAT'S what a real relationship is....

...I get that you're both in various stages of Life, albeit similar....I'm assuming the Hubby wants to 'live', w/ enjoying vices (smoking), traveling, & sharing time w/ his Husband...YOU, want a stable Home life ('...I was so glad to be home...), and, possibly...POSSIBLY... came off as 'negative Nancy' to him, not sharing the same experience(s).....

...AND, w/ both of you now retired, you have to find outlets that give you BOTH what you want (individually), yet, can share, respectfully.....I also 'get' that you feel betrayed by his lying about smoking, but did you point out to him about your Heart condition, and what it can do to YOU!? ...he probably would re-think it....

....Babe, I was in an 8 Year relationship (1997-2005), and when the Ex asked me to move in w/ him, I was scared, yet elated...BUT, he was so 'scared', he moved....and didn't TELL me, where he moved to! ...It was his way of 'breaking up' w/ me, to get out of the relationship.... you want THAT, to happen to YOU!??....haven't dated anyone SINCE...

...So, when I see someone contemplating a Divorce / breakup, I felt that I should let them know, that it ain't easy, after a certain time period .....'85 is VERY different, from 2023....

....remember the happiness of the Two of you in your Wedding Photo....THAT, is what you should cherish.....try to make it work, Kid.... for better, OR, worse......
Please let her know because the girls out here in 2023 are ruthless lol
 

MrTMT

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@lookin4d, thanks for sharing your story. My inputs on this are:
You should focus on yourself, take care of yourself first.
We can only control our own behaviors, not others.
This may be a silverlining as you'll likely end up somewhere much better.
You've done a few things right by removed yourself in situations that you don't feel comfortable, such as no longer sharing the same bed and refused to do things you no longer enjoy.
It's good to build a supportive relationship with others so that you don't feel so alone, if possible.
Don't jump into another relationship so quickly.
 
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PutItInHere691

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38 years is a long time to just toss away like an old dirty wash cloth.. couples argue all the time.. it the working it out. Is where it comes meaniful to the relationship/ marriage ..

arguement about trust issues? They happen from beginning or a relationship and until it dies

my mom and stepdad had been together for 28 years then she cheated on him.. Blaine’s it all on him.. but they both were to blame.. worked it out and been together ever since..

there be time my stepdad would. Mention it to me and I told him the moment you fforgave her for what she did.. that’s the end of that chapter of theirs marriage and life and been together since ..

Think about what argued about set it aside don’t even bring it up and try to talk civilized. To each other .. you’re not two little brats arguing and fighting over a candy bar.. but your love for each other ..
But if bitch about same shit daily over few years.. set it aside… don’t bring it up .. and try to find what made the two of you love each other in first place
 
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GS_PL

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I'm looking forward to the "kisses on your pink parts" guy to chime in, as he has excellent advice when he gives it. Here's my observation.

To me, the traveling on your part, reluctantly, appeared to be more of a back-breaker more so than the smoking. NOBODY should be dragged to places they don't have a personal interest in visiting. I can't fathom how horrible that must have been for each of you. You for not being home where you're most happy, and him for having you as unhappy company the entire time. Imagine how many people you each know who would have LOVED to visit those places you saw.

As for the trust issue, I can't at all side with anybody when this is a crux. As wild as this may come off, why do people give a damn about the level of trust one has? Do. Your. Thing. "I can't trust you" is one of the stupidest, over-used, argument festering phrases people say to one another. Nobody is always honest. If they are, they aren't real.
 

yearites

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What’s the issue with the smoking? Why did he have to lie about it x
I think that's pretty messed up too, like why censor someones intake like that. you goona be that petty ur not goona let ur man smoke if he needs to smoke? I'd avoid people who make rules like that right away, and not because im a smoker