Came seeking condom help. Got it. Now seeking 'open marrriage' advice (lengthy)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by NoGoodSense, Nov 24, 2009.

?

What's the status of your relationship/marriage?

  1. Closed (both monogamous)

    8 vote(s)
    40.0%
  2. Half-open (only one partner fucking others)

    3 vote(s)
    15.0%
  3. Open (both partners fucking others)

    6 vote(s)
    30.0%
  4. Groupish (only fucking others if both partners involved, i.e. 3-some)

    3 vote(s)
    15.0%
  1. NoGoodSense

    NoGoodSense New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2009
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Japan
    Hi everyone,

    28 straight, married, American male in Japan. Found the forums while searching for condom help.

    Nothing I'd bought over the years had ever been big enough around (6 in. circumference), but after reading around here, I ended up trying the TheyFit sizing kit and turns out I'm a D22 when fully erect.

    Just ordered 3 packs from condomania. Hoping they'll prove a better experience.

    You may be wondering, why does a married guy suddenly go in search of condoms?

    That brings me to my next topic of inquiry:

    Recently my wife and I have begun talked about possibilities of open marriage status.

    Some background:

    After dating for 2 years, we got married 4 months ago.

    The whole open marriage discussion began as follows:

    Almost a year ago (before marriage), during a rough patch, we discussed our ideal relationship with each other. i.e.: the relationship you have when you completely trust your partner and don't harbor insecurities about the love you have for each other.

    We both agreed that a relationship of that caliber needn't be limited to a 2-person-only structure. If either of us wanted to branch out, be it emotionally or physically, to other people, we would be free to do so, so long as the branching-out doesn't negatively alter the relationship we have with each other.

    The presumption is that there would be no fear of jealousy involved given the deeply-set sense of trust in one another, and the inner knowledge of "They are my #1, and vice versa".

    Then a time passed in monogamy. No problems. Quite happy. Got married. Happier. Going well..

    And then!

    A 21 yo college student I've met just recently has begun showing obvious interest in a sex-based relationship.
    Being male and finding her very attractive, I felt tempted.
    Being married, I was obliged to turn her down.
    Being male (?), I felt disappointed at having to do so.
    Being irritatingly self-aware, I sank into a funk for almost a week as a result of this internal misalignment.

    I've always held lofty ideals regarding marriage. And in some way I felt I was not standing up to them.

    I felt that I was somehow flawed for experiencing that set of emotions.

    From simple obvious doubt.....
    Did I marry too soon? Was I not ready yet?
    Should I have not felt tempted?
    Should I have not felt disappointed to turn her down?

    Should I just shove these feelings down and forget about it/her?
    Or is it better to talk to my wife about it?

    ...to larger themes:
    Is it not enough simply to know she wants to fuck me?
    Is the physical act necessary? And if not, why the temptation?


    Finally, I brought this up to my wife.

    Thankfully she handled it understandingly and openly. Her attitude towards the topic seems to be that she's already had the idea in the back of her mind to experiment with a situation in which we are both knowingly sleeping with other people, and is just waiting for me to jump onboard.

    During the discussion I expressed some doubt over how serious the girl is (as she knows I'm married), and my wife responded by asking if I'd like to place a bet on it. Almost daring me to put $50 down on whether or not I could make it happen. Weird. Amusing. Unexpected.

    It almost feels like she wants me to try sleeping with the girl.

    I'm still unsure how to such a situation would pan out, but I'm open to thinking about it.

    We've both agreed that, should we move in that direction, we would not develop romantic feelings for any external parties, always give each other priority, and not conceal anything. Safe sex is also a no-brainer. And if at any point either of us wants to 'close' the relationship up again, the other will follow suit.

    But still a lot of detail-y questions I'm not sure about.

    Do we introduce external parties prior to fucking them?
    Do we tell each other when we'll be seeing/fucking other people?

    I'd welcome any advice from any members with relevant experience.

    I apologize for the lengthy intro post ;)
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2002
    Messages:
    83,922
    Likes Received:
    34
    Welcome.
     
  3. NoGoodSense

    NoGoodSense New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2009
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Japan
  4. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Marriage is synonymous with commitment for a reason. :rolleyes: :duh: If you wanted an open relationship you shouldn't have gotten married. That said I don't know how old you are but I'm sure it's flattering to have a 21 year old college co-ed express interest in you. It's called temptation. You should be able to resist temptation whether it is chocolate or women.
     
  5. Gillette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,309
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nova Scotia
    I suppose next you'll say marriage is only between a male and a female for a reason, too.

    There are many married and otherwise committed couples who have an open relationship. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't give you leave to berate someone who does.



    Speaking of committed, can we get a straight jacket for this woman?
     
  6. NoGoodSense

    NoGoodSense New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2009
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Japan
    Commitment comes in many flavors. Physical and emotional commitment are different things. Love ==! Sex, and vice versa. (At least I think I got the syntax right there..)

    Someone obviously didn't read the original post :\

    And resist I did. The question is whether or not it's necessary to do so. According to my wife, it may not be.
     
    #6 NoGoodSense, Nov 24, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2009
  7. NoGoodSense

    NoGoodSense New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2009
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Japan
    Bumpity. Any real responses or advice to
    be had?
     
  8. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    I love you Pecker! :popworm:


    But seriously, you and your wife seem both honest and able to communicate. She means what she says!

    Especially if she is a local raised in that culture. You two would need to be completely honest I would imagine to overcome cultural differences in the first place. You may have married for more practical reasons like visas. No shame in that, if so (but i am speculating wildly)

    I am one of those in an 'open marriage' in your poll, and as I consider myself married to both my hubbies and they both have many other partners though I do not, I could have maybe answered in another category as well.

    The thing that makes polyamory work is complete honesty. There is no social norm to fall back upon or hide behind. Since you have married, it is your duty as an honest being to share absolutely everything you do with your wife, and she with you. That is the difference between being married and merely being in a steady relationship.
     
  9. Countryguy63

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    14,488
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,447
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    near Monterey, Calif.
    Verified:
    Photo
    Helgaleena has it right on. The only thing I can add is to discuss and set boundaries that both of you agree on. That's where the trust is built and enhanced.
    The boundaries can be anywhere from very strict to very open, but when agreed upon, it can prevent many misunderstandings and akward situations.

    Sounds like you guys have done a bit of this already. An open relationship can be very rewarding and successful.

    I wish you all the success :smile:
     
  10. Guy-jin

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2007
    Messages:
    3,835
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    669
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Planet Earth
    First of all, welcome. Interesting story. I'm just going to warn you: I'm going to play fast and loose with the word "affair". I don't mean you're "cheating", it's just what I'm going to refer to your extramarital relationships as.

    Here's a thought: Maybe your wife gets off thinking about you with another woman.

    Have you discussed that possibility with her? Or is that the feeling you get from her? Because it seems that she is not indifferent, but in fact interested in seeing you have an affair with this girl based on what you've said.

    Introduce them to your spouse you mean? That's really between you and your wife and the person you're having an affair with, I think, unless you really want to set a rule where you each have to meet the other's lovers.

    Again, a question more to be asked to your wife than to us. Does she want you to tell her? Or does she want it to be a mystery? Or does she truly, deep down, not really want you to have an affair.

    I wonder who was really into establishing these rules you've set forth. Was it you or her? Based on your story, it seems your wife may get off on the idea of you having an affair... but is that similar for you? Or are you agreeing to an "open" relationship because you think it's only fair if you get to date other people, she should as well? I mean... are you truly comfortable with her sleeping with other people besides yourself?

    The one thing I think is fair, myself, is that you have to tell the person you're having an affair with that you have a wife. You don't have to go into the gory details, and I wouldn't. I would just make it known so there is no confusion about what type of relationship you're having. But that's me.
     
  11. NoGoodSense

    NoGoodSense New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2009
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Japan
    Guy-jin - Thanks a lot for the response!

    I don't sense that she finds the idea arousing, though I've not asked her directly. At first I felt as if she was ready for an open r'ship, wanted to try it out, and was merely waiting for me to get on board.

    After further discussion though, it turns out she also has some uncertainties. She's tried visualizing my sleeping with others, and has come away with mixed feelings. However she doesn't seem to be bothered by this. She's taking a "if we never try, we'll never know for sure" attitude towards it.

    I think she sees this as an opportunity to move in a direction towards our ideals.

    She's always believed a 'boundary free' relationship is ideal, but nobody ever agreed with her until she met me. We first touched on this topic when we first met, and then discussed it in depth almost a year ago, but it's not been a feasible path until recently. An open r'ship isnt something you should start doing without caution. It takes time and effort to reach that 'level' of stability and trust with a partner that enables an open r'ship to succeed.

    The introduction idea stems from an image I have of us knowing and being on good terms with each others' lovers. Ideally I'd like her to sleep with guys I approve of, get along with, and respect. Should a 3-some ever develop, those qualities would be very helpful. Also knowing I can trust them to be good to her and respect our relationship adds a lot of reassurance.

    We've even toyed with the idea of choosing each other's partners. For example, we walk into a bar looking for her a guy. I'd look around, find ones that have decent first impressions, and let her know the 'possible targets', and she'd choose from them. Has anyone tried this method before?

    The idea of intro-ing the our lovers was my idea, for the above-mentioned reasons. I don't think we want a mystery feeling about it. If we're going to see one of our lovers, we'd let the other know. This doesn't mean saying outright, "I'm going to go fuck So-and-So, be back later!", but it would be simply understood that fucking them is always a possibility.

    This is the primary issue for me. When I first mentioned my concern over this new girl, my wife's first reaction could be summarized as "Well, if you want to fuck her, go ahead, but realize that you'd have no right to be upset if I started fucking other guys as well. If you're ok with that, I don't see a problem."

    On one hand I don't believe in possessive relationships. I don't want to think of her as 'mine', and limit her within that concept. Also, I don't necessitate an association between sex and emotional attachment, and neither does my wife.

    On the other hand, this seems like a huge Pandora's Box that could open up emotional moires I can't possibly predict. That alone is scary.


    Absolutely. We both agree it's proper manners, both to each other and to the lovers, to state from the outset that we're happily married, our spouse knows about the affair, and that the affair could end at any time should and problems arise, either within our marriage or within the affair.
     
  12. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2007
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    You know, NJQT466, you have made many good comments on a bunch of different subjects over the time I've been on LPSG. But on this one, I gotta differ with you. I would agree with you *if* the OP had said, "I'm in a traditional marriage," but he didn't. In fact, what he said was that he and his wife had mutually decided their marriage would be different, and they were going to live by different rules in their marriage. Which they can do - it's sorta like saying there's only one way to be "gay" or one way to be "straight" - not sure that's really viable.

    So, given that the OP has talked about this as a different kind of relationship, I think he and his wife are both adults and can probably handle doing this. At least they've talked about it and laid down some ground rules - that deserves some positive credit, just for that alone.
     
  13. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2007
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Here's my advice, which matches what others have said - it depends on the circumstances, and what will matter to you and your wife in your relationship. Generally speaking as someone in a similar situation, the best thing to do is to do things that will build trust and confidence between you and your wife, knowing that her sense of "we'll never know until we try" is probably spot-on. You may find that there are unexpected things she or you might object to, and other things that turn out not to be problems. But checking in regularly, and being ready to stop and re-evaluate, are key to making this work.

    Good luck!
     
Draft saved Draft deleted