Camming - Computer Infidelity or Interactive Porn?

[OscarM]

I consider most things that involve flirting with a third person as cheating (if there was no prior communication or mutual agreement with your partner). Maybe they're fine with it, but maybe they aren't either. Ask your partner!

To me, this is a variation of "Do you mind me talking/flirting with another guy?", especially if there's chatting involved.

 

[Oxnard]

So reading all of this i decided i should ask for some advice. ive been dating a guy for about 8 months now and i am absolutely in love with him. Overall our relationship is great; hes sweet, caring, supportive and helps me in every way possible. We even recently moved in together. Our only issue is that he has a major camming addiction. We have fought about it countless times and even broke up over it once for a little while. He keeps telling me he knows its wrong and hes trying to stop, but that its been a big part of his life for many years (his first long term relationship and hes 27) and its hard for him to just stop. He does seem to be trying, i really think its an addiction and/or compulsion rather than him just not wanting to stop. Im trying to be understanding and patient but its causing a huge amount of anxiety and stress, especially now that hes visiting family and back to being alone a lot of the time. He promised he will tell me when he goes on, and he admitted to it once already since he left a week ago, and i found out that hes been on again since then which he hasnt told me about. I just dont know what to do.... i love him and dont want to lose him but this is so hard for me.

It's not an addiction, it's a habit.

Not that habits are easy either.

Just throwing spaghetti at the wall, but have you tried camming with him?

 

[Ki_re478]

It's not an addiction, it's a habit.

Not that habits are easy either.

Just throwing spaghetti at the wall, but have you tried camming with him?

I brought it up briefly once, he said something along the lines of "he doesnt want to see me like that", as he sees them as "just sex". but i think he thought i meant in separate cam windows, i dont know what he would say to us uhhhh performing together on skype lol but knowing him i doubt he would be into it, hes not really the adventurous type sexually. Personally im not hugely into the idea either but i would be willing to try it to see if i like it and/or see if it improves our relationship.

 

[techpump]

I brought it up briefly once, he said something along the lines of "he doesnt want to see me like that", as he sees them as "just sex". but i think he thought i meant in separate cam windows, i dont know what he would say to us uhhhh performing together on skype lol but knowing him i doubt he would be into it, hes not really the adventurous type sexually. Personally im not hugely into the idea either but i would be willing to try it to see if i like it and/or see if it improves our relationship.

If he's not the "adventurous type" then what's he getting out of camming? you can be anything and see anything on cam, it's about as adventurous as it gets in my opinion. if it's not adventurous then it's just like normal life, which to me make it more real, which makes it more like cheating.

You should totally cam with him. It could take his safe zone (camming) away from him and transform it into a totally new thing. He may move on from it once you've liberated his comfort zone (camming) by being a part of it. You know what I mean??

 

[ManTubeula]

I brought it up briefly once, he said something along the lines of "he doesnt want to see me like that", as he sees them as "just sex". but i think he thought i meant in separate cam windows, i dont know what he would say to us uhhhh performing together on skype lol but knowing him i doubt he would be into it, hes not really the adventurous type sexually. Personally im not hugely into the idea either but i would be willing to try it to see if i like it and/or see if it improves our relationship.

what do you feel hurts your relationship about his "addiction"? is it because he feels guilty about his cam obsession or is it because you feel put off by it? or maybe a combination of both. It's probably good that he doesn't hide it from you, but if he kept it private would that help the relationship? just a friend hoping to offer a thought or two but i feel like this story is missing a crucial element.

 

[hypolimnas]

So reading all of this i decided i should ask for some advice. ive been dating a guy for about 8 months now and i am absolutely in love with him. Overall our relationship is great; hes sweet, caring, supportive and helps me in every way possible. We even recently moved in together. Our only issue is that he has a major camming addiction. We have fought about it countless times and even broke up over it once for a little while. He keeps telling me he knows its wrong and hes trying to stop, but that its been a big part of his life for many years (his first long term relationship and hes 27) and its hard for him to just stop. He does seem to be trying, i really think its an addiction and/or compulsion rather than him just not wanting to stop. Im trying to be understanding and patient but its causing a huge amount of anxiety and stress, especially now that hes visiting family and back to being alone a lot of the time. He promised he will tell me when he goes on, and he admitted to it once already since he left a week ago, and i found out that hes been on again since then which he hasnt told me about. I just dont know what to do.... i love him and dont want to lose him but this is so hard for me.

My view is that you are in danger of making it a bigger issues than it is. Don't sabotage the good things you have, these need to be nurtured by you both. What you could focus on are positive things and especially the way you spend time together or prepare to spend time together when you are apart.

Men do not want a replica of the disapproving mother relationship even if it might be familiar to them. If you (or he for that matter) subconsciously feel he is not good enough for you that is another problem.

If you work on communicating about the things you both do ---to consciously improve, and enjoy having fun within the relationship, then you might be surprised at how the things that have upset you either stop, or pale into insignificance.

If you want to work on your relationship and get to a level of increasing intimacy then acknowledge your judging and pressure have an impact, (in a negative way), and that what you are doing is not working for either of you. Try another way.

Work on communication and fun, accentuate the positive - I'd advise you to discuss this approach with him.

 

[Auggiecakes]

Loads of people cam, I have done myself, but if you're in a partnership and your partner isn't aware of your fun and games how do you view it, is it infidelity or is it just a form of interactive porn with no real connection? Should you always ok it with your partner, have you caught your partner doing it when you had no knowledge they were doing it and how did you react? Or do you view it like masturbation, your partner doesn't need to know every time you do it?

If you hide it from your partner cause they'd be upset if they found out then I consider it cheating and you'd be an asshole cause even tho you know this might hurt the person you ......love...... You still make the conscience decision to not care about their feelings.

If you think their point of view is unreasonable then you are with the wrong person.

 

[nailz]

if your partner is aware of it and approves then its just porn/entertainment

if you are doing it behind your partner's back don't kid yourself that it isn't infidelity.
the same goes for any other medium like sms/chat/phone/email/two soup cans attached with string.

 

[AlteredEgo]

In my current relationship, it would be cheating. In the past, that wasn't the case.

 

[AlteredEgo]

In my current relationship, it would be cheating. In the past, that wasn't the case.

I should expand upon this.

My dude and I are long distance and always have been. We have one more year apart to get through before we can be together. We met online in a game. He was looking for me. I wasn't looking, but when I see a gem I don't leave it on the table for someone else just because I don't have a setting prepared. Our first sexually charged interactions were not like similar experiences I had in the past. We were as nervous as we were insatiable. When we couldn't get off anymore, we'd fall asleep, still connected to Skype or on the phone. At first that wasn't deliberate. It was past bedtime, and we were trying to stay awake but just passed out. We never wanted to disconnect. Now, we deliberately go to sleep on the phone together. We say our good nights, remove headsets, employ speaker phone, blow kisses, and go to sleep. If one of us wakes up and doesn't hear the other snoring or breathing, it upsets the waking party. Our primary sexual interaction is still by phone or cam. We only meet a few times a year. I was supposed to be at his home this last weekend, but couldn't go. We haven't seen each other since December. If one of is used camming with someone else as an outlet, it would be a huge problem for the other one. First of all, we haven't made time to cam in ages. We haven't had phone fun in a while either. What message would it send to then be making time to do that with an outsider? Since it is our primary way to connect intimately, making similar connections, even lacking any emotional component, would demean what we do together. Not acceptable at all.

As for flirting, well. We're both attractive, and we're both huge flirts. I wouldn't want him flirting with someone he knows well in person, but I've heard him getting flirty with cashiers while I'm on hold on the phone. Doesn't bother me. I know he flirts with women online, and that doesn't bother me either. He doesn't try to hide it. I know some of them have gotten angry with him after he tells them about me. That's their issue. I'm only upset if there's no cheeky talk left over for me. I flirt all the time. I don't hide it. Some folks here can tell you I'm not flirty in private messages, no matter what is said to me, but I'll flirt with those same folks where it is publicly visible. I never want my dude, who is a silent but regular member here, to be able to say I was ever deceitful, and I'd like him to be able to tell me if he thinks my manner is crossing a boundary. I love and respect him, and what we are building together. It has been a long time since I looked at a man and wanted him to impregnate me. I want us to be family, and for him to always be able to respect me as his life partner. I moderate my behavior accordingly, and I expect him to do the same.

 

[KennF]

In my current relationship, it would be cheating. In the past, that wasn't the case.

Your situation is rather unique. It takes a lot of work and cooperation/coordination to make it work. But it appears the effort is worth it. *bigthumbsup*

 

[KennF]

if your partner is aware of it and approves then its just porn/entertainment

if you are doing it behind your partner's back don't kid yourself that it isn't infidelity.
the same goes for any other medium like sms/chat/phone/email/two soup cans attached with string.

While I agree in general, and that may be true for you, but I think your statement goes a little goes far.

My husband and I don't need to approve of what each other watch or how often we look/read or even if we flirt. So, in general, as long as we are both comfortable with each others' general behavior and the fact that he may read, look, watch, flirt, whatever, that's fine.

If the topic hasn't been discussed, then it is only half of an "infidelity". If one person has an expectation, but the other doesn't know that is the boundary or expectation, then they can't be violating it.

If the partners have spoken about it and one continues, that is a whole new situation.

 

[nailz]

awh, you're making me sound like a prude
i would have no problem with it if he did it openly.

If the topic hasn't been discussed, then it is only half of an "infidelity". If one person has an expectation, but the other doesn't know that is the boundary or expectation, then they can't be violating it.

with that same logic you could just outright cheat on your partner and if you get caught you could say that 'its only half of an infidelity since you didn't expressly state that i shouldn't be sleeping with anyone else'.

i think its pretty safe to say that by default most partners expect you not to cam with other people behind their back
i think it should be your responsibility to ask if its ok rather than expecting your partner to set every common-sense boundary.

 

[KennF]

awh, you're making me sound like a prude
i would have no problem with it if he did it openly.



with that same logic you could just outright cheat on your partner and if you get caught you could say that 'its only half of an infidelity since you didn't expressly state that i shouldn't be sleeping with anyone else'.

i think its pretty safe to say that by default most partners expect you not to cam with other people behind their back
i think it should be your responsibility to ask if its ok rather than expecting your partner to set every common-sense boundary.

*chuckle* I wasn't suggesting you are a prude, and I agree with your principle. You're suggesting that I am a good-for-nothing-low-life-cheat-and -<fill in the blank>.

It's just the unlimited portion of your statement that encouraged me to respond.

It boils down to expectations between the people and the security/insecurity of the people involved. There aren't any real "defaults" in a relationship. When you get down to the core of it, everything, absolutely everything, about the relationship is expectations and agreement/consent.

Cultural norms are ever evolving.

What's right in one place is wrong in others. For example, man could have multiple wives in some places. It may violate my morals, but it is it infidelity?




In the absence of discussion or comments or understandings, you don't have a right to assume that your partner knows that is your expectation.

 

[phillo12345]

Loads of people cam, I have done myself, but if you're in a partnership and your partner isn't aware of your fun and games how do you view it, is it infidelity or is it just a form of interactive porn with no real connection? Should you always ok it with your partner, have you caught your partner doing it when you had no knowledge they were doing it and how did you react? Or do you view it like masturbation, your partner doesn't need to know every time you do it?

I think a couple can call themselves monogamous and cam. That said, if you're "sneaking" it's shady. Honesty is so important to a healthy relationship and hiding any behavior will ultimately cause problems.