Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex.

canadian_guy486

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I’m having an issue that I’m sure other people have had, and I’m not sure how to make it stop. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, boyfriend and I’m worried it’s affecting my current long term relationship.

Just to give some background, I’m in my 30s and I’m a late in life gay. I never allowed myself to truly try anything with a guy until about 5 years ago. I met my ex on tinder when I was travelling, and continued an online only long distance relationship. I was 100% in the closet when I met him and kept him a secret for a long time. After about a year of FaceTiming and texting and talking on the phone, we finally met in person. He was 23 at the time and I was 32. He was my first everything. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first guy I ever kissed, the first dick I ever sucked, the first everything. He was also new to a lot of things as well (or so he says) so we were a pretty good match.

We fell pretty hard for each other, especially him. He was my first love, and was truly my best friend. This continued on for about 3 years, where we would see each other at most, 2-3 times a year. It was difficult with the distance as he lived in the southern US and I in Canada, and it got pricey trying to see each other frequently. The distance started to cause tension between us, and I still hadn’t come out (that’s a whole different set of issues with me). He was growing frustrated of not being able to see me or touch me or share me in any way in his life, so we would argue often.

Because I was still in the closet, and experiencing all of these new things with him for the first time, he ended up getting the full brunt of all my insecurities and self shame. When he would visit me, I never wanted to go out for fear of “being caught”. I tended to be distant to him because I was dealing with my own self shame and internalized homophobia (being gay and raised in a catholic european household really fucks with your head), but he put up with all of that. He always wanted to try new things when having sex and I just wasn’t having it. But again, he continued to put up with it.

Out of the blue one day he basically told me he’s had enough of the secrecy and me not being out and suggested we end things. I was blindsided and completely heartbroken. A part of me knew it was probably for the best, because I was never going to move there, and he wasn’t moving here any time soon, so our future was really up in the air and I really didn’t know where we were going. I was really upset and asked him if he had met someone else and he assured me no. He said he wanted to continue to be friends, but I couldn’t watch him blossom in a new relationship at some point while I was here alone with no one. So I cut off all communication with him. My mistake was not blocking him on social media.

After about 2 weeks of not talking to him, my heart got the best of me and I had to see if he was missing me at all, as much as I was desperately missing him. I learned that he moved on real quick and met someone new. My assumption was he had already met this person while still with me, but kept it hidden until we ended things. After many upset texts sent by me to him, I cut him out of my life cold turkey. No contact, no social media. Just gone.

I spiralled and went to a dark place I had never been to before and was just so heartbroken. Fast forward to 3 months later, and I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful guy online again (after a few dating/hookup bumps along the way...). We are 2 years into a relationship and he’s been so wonderful to me. Kind, caring, his family adores me, and while I’m still not fully out to everyone, the people that do know, love him too.

So now is my issue. I keep going back and thinking about my ex. Like he just lives rent free in my head. There had been a few times where he tried reaching out to me. He would text me and I would just ignore it. I did creep his Facebook once and discovered he was no longer with the guy he left me for. The last attempt he made at contacting me was last May, and I decided to creep again and discovered that he was with someone new and seems fairly happy. I don’t know why I keep thinking about him. It may be because I never fully got closure. Like I said, he was my first everything. And I did truly love him, and the way things just abruptly ended, I never got to feel totally done.

I am happy in my current relationship and I love my bf very much. I obviously have not spoken a single word of this to him as I know this would just hurt him. Like there is zero chance of my ex and I ever getting back together (not that I want to), or ever seeing each other ever again, but I just can’t get him off my mind. I think back to how I treated him because of all the issues I was dealing with at the time and I just feel so much guilt. I think about how much better things could have been with us if I just gotten past my issues. Then I think about how he is probably so much happier with his new relationship that he probably regrets ever wasting so much time on me. It’s so stupid that I feel this way because we are both in relationships now so I should be over him. But I don’t think that I am.

How do I move past this? How do I get him out of my head? Will this feeling ever go away? I have a really good thing going with my current bf and I don’t want to ruin it.
 
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Evenflow618

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Dude write it down on a piece of paper that you are happy right now and you dont need your exboyfriend. Read your statement that you wrote many times for the next 21 days. You wont have a thought about your ex.
 
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cedarizzo

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There is a reason you are not with him anymore and from how you described it, I really doubt he would be interested in being with you again. You were at 2 totally different stages in your sexuality. They don't work out together. And sorry, but from how you are describing things currently, you don't sound very mature. I hope you find the help you need before you ruin it with your current partner. Or you will be soon creepily stalking both of the exes.
 
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ss_london

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I’m having an issue that I’m sure other people have had, and I’m not sure how to make it stop. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, boyfriend and I’m worried it’s affecting my current long term relationship.

Just to give some background, I’m in my 30s and I’m a late in life gay. I never allowed myself to truly try anything with a guy until about 5 years ago. I met my ex on tinder when I was travelling, and continued an online only long distance relationship. I was 100% in the closet when I met him and kept him a secret for a long time. After about a year of FaceTiming and texting and talking on the phone, we finally met in person. He was 23 at the time and I was 32. He was my first everything. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first guy I ever kissed, the first dick I ever sucked, the first everything. He was also new to a lot of things as well (or so he says) so we were a pretty good match.

We fell pretty hard for each other, especially him. He was my first love, and was truly my best friend. This continued on for about 3 years, where we would see each other at most, 2-3 times a year. It was difficult with the distance as he lived in the southern US and I in Canada, and it got pricey trying to see each other frequently. The distance started to cause tension between us, and I still hadn’t come out (that’s a whole different set of issues with me). He was growing frustrated of not being able to see me or touch me or share me in any way in his life, so we would argue often.

Because I was still in the closet, and experiencing all of these new things with him for the first time, he ended up getting the full brunt of all my insecurities and self shame. When he would visit me, I never wanted to go out for fear of “being caught”. I tended to be distant to him because I was dealing with my own self shame and internalized homophobia (being gay and raised in a catholic european household really fucks with your head), but he put up with all of that. He always wanted to try new things when having sex and I just wasn’t having it. But again, he continued to put up with it.

Out of the blue one day he basically told me he’s had enough of the secrecy and me not being out and suggested we end things. I was blindsided and completely heartbroken. A part of me knew it was probably for the best, because I was never going to move there, and he wasn’t moving here any time soon, so our future was really up in the air and I really didn’t know where we were going. I was really upset and asked him if he had met someone else and he assured me no. He said he wanted to continue to be friends, but I couldn’t watch him blossom in a new relationship at some point while I was here alone with no one. So I cut off all communication with him. My mistake was not blocking him on social media.

After about 2 weeks of not talking to him, my heart got the best of me and I had to see if he was missing me at all, as much as I was desperately missing him. I learned that he moved on real quick and met someone new. My assumption was he had already met this person while still with me, but kept it hidden until we ended things. After many upset texts sent by me to him, I cut him out of my life cold turkey. No contact, no social media. Just gone.

I spiralled and went to a dark place I had never been to before and was just so heartbroken. Fast forward to 3 months later, and I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful guy online again (after a few dating/hookup bumps along the way...). We are 2 years into a relationship and he’s been so wonderful to me. Kind, caring, his family adores me, and while I’m still not fully out to everyone, the people that do know, love him too.

So now is my issue. I keep going back and thinking about my ex. Like he just lives rent free in my head. There had been a few times where he tried reaching out to me. He would text me and I would just ignore it. I did creep his Facebook once and discovered he was no longer with the guy he left me for. The last attempt he made at contacting me was last May, and I decided to creep again and discovered that he was with someone new and seems fairly happy. I don’t know why I keep thinking about him. It may be because I never fully got closure. Like I said, he was my first everything. And I did truly love him, and the way things just abruptly ended, I never got to feel totally done.

I am happy in my current relationship and I love my bf very much. I obviously have not spoken a single word of this to him as I know this would just hurt him. Like there is zero chance of my ex and I ever getting back together (not that I want to), or ever seeing each other ever again, but I just can’t get him off my mind. I think back to how I treated him because of all the issues I was dealing with at the time and I just feel so much guilt. I think about how much better things could have been with us if I just gotten past my issues. Then I think about how he is probably so much happier with his new relationship that he probably regrets ever wasting so much time on me. It’s so stupid that I feel this way because we are both in relationships now so I should be over him. But I don’t think that I am.

How do I move past this? How do I get him out of my head? Will this feeling ever go away? I have a really good thing going with my current bf and I don’t want to ruin it.

You need to forgive yourself for the guilt you're holding onto about your behaviour with your ex. People change and grow as they have new experiences, and hopefully you're a different person and in a different place now. It might be worth talking this all through with a counsellor or therapist because it sounds like you're going through a lot mentally.
 
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