Can a women show caring without a man taking it the wrong way?

EllieP

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OK, I know the title is a mouthful, so I'll try to explain as much as possible.

I own a business where I might be in charge of five or six subcontractors on a single job. Each of these could employ three to five men, and it's almost always men.

Last week, one of the men hurt himself on the job. Not badly, but I just happened to be on the site and saw him right after it happened. It had been raining off and on, and they were trying to rush some things. Of course, he slipped and pulled a muscle.

I'm a momma first. Mothering is an instinct that evokes a first response, and I'll never be able to squelch it. So naturally I ran to help. Without even thinking, I took control of the situation even before the sub was on the scene. I had a couple of the guys bring him inside where I just wanted him to rest. And naturally I wanted to make him comfortable enough trying to figure out what the problem was with my limited Spanish. One of the men stayed around to help me translate.

He was fine after some rest, cold water and a pep talk.

So now fast forward to yesterday, I'm in the market picking up something for dinner when I see three men in the produce section, and they keep looking my way. I think I should know them because it seems like they know me.

When I finally pass by them and say hi they say hello, and finally one of them says "You're the pretty lady that likes Miguel."

I thought I misunderstood them until they told me about the scene last week with the guy that was hurt. He was Miguel. And because I helped him, now I like him. And I learned last night that "like" meant that he was now favored and supposedly we're an item because I spent time with him.

Had an interesting conversation last night with one of my best friends and my husband about a woman showing compassion to a man. It's what I do. It's what I was taught to do, and I do it without a second thought.

My husband says that some men will take it as a sign of affection and the first step towards starting a relationship. Apparently there's some truth to that with what happened on the site.

So the question in the title says it all: can a woman show that she cares for an man's welfare without implying anything further? If a woman showed some compassion to you is your first instinct to think this is an opening act?

I've already got butterflies in my stomach thinking I overstep my boundaries too much, and it makes me sad to have to pull back.

Of course, now I feel that I can't visit the site until that sub has completed his part.
 

julesq

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Ellie, I hear you. I am in professional practice and while all of my people expect me to compassionate, I have to be very careful. My husband is in the same business and he kind of feels the same way about his interactions with women. I was talking with a male friend about this about 2 years ago and he gave me some really good advice, so I'll pass it along. "You have to be who you are. you can't worry what someone is going to think about your intentions. You know where you are coming from and at the end of the day that is all that matters. People are going to believe what they believe regardless of what they know, you can't control. Go into even situation with good intentions and the hell with everything else." I have to tell you it is a bit cliche, but his words made a world of difference to my thoughts on a lot of things. It also reminded me of my mother telling me "You can only control your own actions."
I know it is bothersome when people misinterpret your intentions/actions, but that is their problem not yours. I personally think your concern is a good thing and more people should appreciate that there are genuine people out there who care about them in a non-sexual way.
As far as visiting the site...I call bullshit. It is your business and your job to be there. Do your job, and hold your head high. If this is what you regularly do, don't change it because of someone else.
 
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Baoka

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A lot of communication that women use looks maddeningly subtle (signals in place of words: madness), so men speculate to themselves and each other as though they were looking at some kind of puzzle or the stock market. We'll also mess with each other by suggesting all manner of idiocy, for fun, so don't take it too seriously. I don't doubt they were teasing Miguel for a second either. The best thing you can do is to be clear and upfront, preferably in his language.

I'm dense, and willfully so, so I don't bother reading between the lines. That takes far too much energy.
 
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Carpe_Diem420

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We think with our penis.

Let me translate for you

Attractive woman: "I see you're hurt, are you okay?"
Man: "I see you're hurt, let me help you by blowing you"

Attractive woman: "would you like some ice for your knee?"
Man: "does my tits look nice when I'm on my knees?"

Attractive woman: "are you sore from the accident?"
Man: "want to see my boobs?"

You see, we get confused easily because to us being nice=chance to get laid. Lol
 

Hoss

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First off don't stop being who you are, a caring and decent person.
Second, don't keep beating yourself up over this. You did nothing wrong.

These guys who are idiots. No other way for me to say it.

I could see them joking around among themselves giving Miguel a hard time about somebody taking an interest in him. Joke that he rigged the fall so he'd get an easier time at work. But that's where it ends. These clowns seem to think there's something real here. They are grade-A idiots. Miguel is as well if he thinks this is the first step in romance.
Would the lot of them behave the same way if a man had shown this kind of decency?

I worked for the DSNY for many years and occasionally a woman would be around (very male dominated occupation for some reason) and sometimes some guys would make a joke here and or there. Not within earshot of the woman, just not done. Of course we also made jokes about some of the guys if they seemed to be getting an easier time of things and not being trashed:biggrin1: for a misstep that most of us would have our heads handed to us for.

You didn't overstep any boundary that I can see of and it's terrible that you are feeling bad about this. As to the work site, you can still go, just be very business like, no discussions of anything other than work.
 

KindlyJedi

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Weird!

Is it an intelligence thing? I've never hit on a woman or assumed she was hitting on me just because she was being nice! I mean, should I assume somebody finds me attractive or wants to date me, just because she smiled at me, or was kind to me? That'd be a stupid assumption...
 

EllieP

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Thank you for your responses. I'm 42 so I doubt I'll change the way I act or react. I just never thought about implications from caring about strangers before. It's just something I do.

It was just a shocker to feel like I sucker punched myself with this. The men seemed very serious about it, and when I read your responses it might well be that he played it up even more.

The thing is, I've always been very careful around the workers. I don't get chummy with them, and I rarely communicate unless we're actually working side by side like in demoing a kitchen. I've had subs that ask me not to fraternize with his men, and I've always assured them that I have no intention of doing that. And I've also been asked to leave because I'm a distraction, and I understand that as well, and I usually comply after my task there is finished if I'm not the contractor.

I guess I'm angry and sad at the same time that my actions and intentions were misconstrued, and if it happened that time what have I done in the past?

I'm not unintelligent, for heavens sakes. But I also know it's a different world than the one I grew up in, and things are different today. I just get tired of having to learn new social rules.
 

need2bsexy2

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From Ellie:
So the question in the title says it all: can a woman show that she cares for an man's welfare without implying anything further? If a woman showed some compassion to you is your first instinct to think this is an opening act?

Answer:
No. I love women and their difference from men. You can be concerned for my well being without the threat of a hit on you.