Can anyone help me?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Imported, Nov 1, 2003.

  1. Imported

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    Just_Michael: Hi all,

    I have been lurking on this site for 10 weeks and have found you all to be very caring and helpful. Just for the record Im only 7x6 but I have come here for a different reason. Youre Help.

    I am having a relationship with a wonderful woman online. We met 8 weeks ago on Yahoo and really hit it off, chatting online quickly lead to speaking on the phone. We have spoken to each other every single day since we met and normally more than just once a day plus we have exchanged pictures just to put a face to the voice. We agreed to meet and so I offered to meet her at her location because I did not want her to travel so far to see me. She gave me her address and I booked the tickets and flew up to see her a few days ago. I arrived at the airport to find that she had not turned up, I waited for a couple of hours but realised that she would not be meeting me, so I thought I would get a taxi to her place and see if everything was ok. To my absolute horror the address was a fake. I have never felt so bad in all my life. Anyway I returned home the next day, still unable to contact her. We have spoken over the phone several times since I came back and she seems genuinely mortified at how she has behaved and cant stop apologising. She basically got cold feet and decided to hide out at a friends place instead of see me.

    The crux of the problem is that I think I have fallen in love with her, and I still want to see her and Im more than willing to wait until she feels comfortable with meeting me. But she is so shocked with her reaction that she is slowly distancing herself from me. I dont want her to do that, I just want her to talk to me and to see if we can work this out.

    Does anyone here have any advice that could help me out, I want to salvage our relationship not confine it to the bin.

    Thanks everyone

    Michael :'(
     
  2. Imported

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    sammygirly: Firstly, nobody is ever "just" 7x6 ~winks~

    Secondly - on to the situation at hand.

    We don't know why she got cold feet or what reasoning she's given you. Maybe it was too soon...but maybe it was something more telling. And that's fine, we all have to do things at our own pace. But my problem with this is that she lied to you.

    Would you have been terribly upset if she'd said she wasn't ready for a meeting? I doubt it. Disappointed maybe - certainly...but angry? I would hope not.

    It is my opinion that a relationship based on dishonesty right from the beginning is one that is going to have issues from the beginning. Relationships are hard these days - and the internet does not make things easier. There are safe and secure ways of meeting and getting to know in person someone you've met online. Maybe she doesn't know them - or didn't have the proper safety nets in place that would allow her to meet someone so new. My first suggestion would be - not to meet the person on your own for the first meeting.

    But she lied...extensively...more than once. She was NOT there when you came. She did NOT want you to come. She did NOT live there.

    I don't like it.
     
  3. Imported

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    Just_Michael: Thanks sammygirly

    I have been constantly thinking about the lies she told me, and her explination is that she was scared and paniced so she gave me the wrong address etc. If she had told me it was to soon I would have backed off and waited until she felt more comfortable. Also since you mentioned about meeting her on her own I really should have suggested that I meet her with her parents or friends? But Im new to this as well, I just did not think that she would be so afraid.

    Michael

     
  4. Imported

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    sammygirly: Mmhmm, meeting her with a friend or parent is wise. That's one step better than having someone simply know where she is. Much safer.

    The real question is, do you BELIEVE she's sincere when she says she's sorry. Do you BELIEVE her reasonings?

    And...can you trust her enough not to be lying about other things?

    How well do you REALLY know her?
     
  5. Imported

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    Just_Michael: Hi Sammygirly,

    The problem here is that in reality I dont know her very well at all. I think I know her from our discussions we have had over the phone. But do I really know her, No. Do I believe her apologies, yes she does sound sincere. This is why I posted, so that I could have peoples help trying to work out whether or not Im thinking everything through. Thank you for your help Sammygirly.

    Michael :)
     
  6. Imported

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    Tender: ok you are saying that you dont know her that well.
    which means she doesnt know you very well either.
    so suffice it to say, once in a long while some woman gets snatched hauled off and butchered by some sweet man she met on the net.
    maybe she just freaked out.

    the other thought i have is you said, that you exchanged pics. to put a face to eachother.
    but did the pic include your full body?
    perhaps she thinks she is overweight ect so that she is embarassed to meet you, but doesnt know how to bring it up?

    anyway, meet with someone else present next time.
    also, you should see if she would want to meet you next time, since you were the one *out* a trip...

    as far as wanting to continue the relationship, id stick to the net for a while until things calm down some. and then try again. have you told her esentially what you have told us here? honesty is usually best in these kind of things...

    Tender
     
  7. Imported

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    jerkin4-10: dude...listen to me...i have experience here...a few years ago this happened to me as well...ill not go into the reasons why i was going to get out of my then 20 year marriage...other than we have worked them out...and the kids are both out of the house...*L*...you have fallen in love with a figment of someone elses imagination...she has read you much like one of these tele-psychics and told you what you wanted to hear...she is NOTHING anywhere remotely like what she has led you to believe...youve not fallen in love with an actual person...but your perception and the lies of what she has told you...the same thing happened to me...and im not a stupid person...just as you are not...forget her phone number...block it on your phone...block her email and erase all memory of her...as sammygirl so wisely said...if a relationship is based on dishonesty from the beginning...its doomed to fail...after this person didnt stop you from spending hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to come and meet her...and she never intended to meet you...how in the world could you EVER trust anyone like this...people that are honest and caring...like you sound like you are...cannot understand why someone would deliberately hurt someone else...and thats what shes done...so dont even try to understand her motive....because the answer isnt in you...be proud of who you are and the fact that your honest personality attracts people to you...do not give up your search for that perfect mate...as they are out there my friend...chin up...and try some singles functions...as most of the time they are looking for someone not to party with...but someone to find a common interest...looking for a mate...good luck...but know this...you have done NOTHING wrong...and have nothing to be ashamed of...
     
  8. Imported

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    prepstudinsc: Michael-
    There have been some good responses already, so I will just reiterate. The internet has forged all sorts of new types of relationships. 50 years ago, no one would have ever dreamed that people would be meeting each other on the computer, having relationships and affairs, without even knowing the other person. I hate that you were burned and hurt by what happened, but I think that if you want to meet someone online, it can be done, but it has to be done based on honesty. When she didn't show up to pick you up, that was the big sign that she was lying. You don't have anything other than a plane ticket invested, so chalk it up to experience, and try to find someone who is a better caliber person. It's like meeting people in bars....that's cool for a hookup, but it doesn't usually lead to any kind of long term relationship based on friendship and trust.
    Good luck finding someone who is worthy of your love.
     
  9. Imported

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    sammygirly: I just feel it necessary to clarify here that I in NO WAY meant to suggest that internet relationships do not, or cannot work.

    One just needs to take every precaution that you know who you're getting into things with
     
  10. Imported

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    wvalady1968: My best friend met a guy online like you did, and he flew from Texas to VA Beach to spend the weekend with her. He worked for Compaq and very much wanted to transfer to where she lived and continue the relationshipp, but she said she couldn't wait to get him back on that plane to Texas. He was not at all what she thought he'd be.

    Online love affairs are often very intense, but you need to be very careful not to fall in love with what YOU'RE projecting. And it's extremely important to not "play with fire" unless you want to start something hot. It can so easily get away from you and hurt you, her, and innocent parties.

    As to my friend, she must have not been too put off by that experience. She met her husband on ICQ and is expecting their second child in the Spring. We just spent Friday evening and night with them, and they are extremely happy.

    Be very careful and listen to what these nice people say.

    :-*
     
  11. Imported

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    gigantikok: It's scary as all hell meeting someone off of the internet.  I was supposed to meet a friend I had been chatting with for years.  I got cold feet and confessed that I wasn't comfortable meeting her.  We have drifted apart since then.  It is just the way it happens sometimes.  In regards to your situation, her error lied in making you waste hundreds of dollars on a lie.  She lied.  As others have said, she is probably not the best person to be in a relationship with.  I know how easy it is for someone to say "there are plenty of fish in the sea, find someone else", but I've been in the same position you've been in.  I've been burned.  It is hard to take that advice. You miss the conversations, you miss it.  I've been mysteriously blocked and ignored by many hopefuls, and they wouldn't ever even give me a reason for cutting me off.  Therein lies the real risk of internet dating.  You never know if the spark will be there in person, you never know if someone is sincere or not.  You have to keep that hope alive, though.  You have to keep from feeling jaded.  Hell, I am in love with someone online who frequently keeps disapearing.  She signs on frequently for long periods of time, and our love grows so much... then she gets busy and disapears for months.  Can't say I appriciate it, but I know she has her own life, and I have faith that she still cares for me whether or not she keeps signing on.  She's been gone for months, but I am sure she will come back. (To anyone who is wondering, I don't know what happened to her. She does this frequently, though, and should be back eventually.)

    Anyway, I kinda went all over the place with this post.  Let me see if I can sum it up:

    There are liars, there are fakes, there are cheats, and you will be burned as I was.  Don't let that make you lose your faith in the internet, or in dating in general.  Keep up hope, and I am sure one day you will find someone to truly love, whether you met her on the internet or in person.
     
  12. Imported

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    Just_Michael: Thank you all for replying, I definitely needed your points of view to help me think my way through this and its very much appreciated.

    Michael :)
     
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