Can fetishes go to far?

petite

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Understood. I thought it was more one sided than usual coming from you. I should have known you weren't just seeing one side of it, but there's so much negativity out there about it, I think I jump into defensive mode automatically.

That's cool! :smile:

I should have written a disclaimer to make it clear that I wasn't criticizing just anyone who is into BDSM to avoid this sort of misunderstanding, and to avoid biasing anyone who doesn't know much about BDSM who reads what I wrote.

Agreed. There have got to be a few. On a less extreme level you see plenty of so-called 'Doms' who think 'yay, this BDSM stuff means I get to have total control over a chick and she'll do anything I want' and don't get what it's really about at all. They scare me quite enough. But their presence indicates the presence of more extreme forms of the same kind of thinking.

I've noticed those guys! Yeah, there are a few of them. I think most of those guys are just sexist jerks who don't get it at all.

No limits is fucking terrifying. That means they can literally do ANYTHING and you've given consent. Gives me the heebies.

Not everyone in the community plays responsibly and it gives me the heebies, too! I've noticed a certain social phenomenon on FetLife that probably contributes a lot. There seems to be a culture of machismo amongst the masochists and submissives, a competitiveness about who will go further, who trusts their top more, who will play in riskier ways, etc. I don't know why anyone would feel like it's a competition to be the most extreme, but it seems like a lot of subs think it is.

I agree. Even in my fantasies there is someone I know and trust involved and PRESENT at all times (although I might not know he is present). Once total strangers are involved, logic-brain comes into play.

That's really good to hear! I knew that you weren't the type to make unintelligent choices about how you like to play.

It's sort of like having sex without a condom. We might find it more satisfying, but there's enough real risk involved that we should be thinking with our head instead of our genitals.

Good analogy! Yeah, I agree. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to play responsibly.

I like the term 'consensual rape'. Mine really are 'rape' fantasies, but there definitely needs to be consent . . . and limits . . . and a safety net of some kind.

I totally agree!

Thank you for writing such an in depth post. You did a fantastic job describing both sides of BDSM and 'consensual rape' (ie. the side I do and the side I DON'T like to think about). It's reminded me that there really are bad sides that should be thought about and talked about, not just pushed aside to a corner of my brain for thinking about only when necessary.

Oh, thank you!

It's hard for me not to think about the bad side when I've run across some of the images and writing on FetLife that I have. Maybe I'm being unfairly critical, but some of the things that people write and the photos that they have displayed have disturbed me and TheBF.

Remind me to tell you about "fake snuff film" guy some time. :eek:
 
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B_subgirrl

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The rest is pretty much a blur but how I managed to get out of the house I can't remember but I do remember that I was parked a little down the street and he was still coming after me. I may have made my escape when he was either in the bathroom or in the kitchen but I made sure I made it back home.

It sounds like you were lucky to get out safely. Variations on this sort of story are what makes dating sites scary for me.


...That is, until the same dude was caught breaking in the barracks room two doors down from mine a little while after I saw him pacing the laundry room hall. The girl who occupied the room was asleep at the time. By the time she woke up and saw him standing over her bed pulling her comforter back, he already had a pair of her underwear (which he'd taken from her dresser drawer) on his head. He didn't know she was Level 3 Combatives trained though, and she beat the hell out of him before some of us heard the commotion, woke up, came to her room and sat on him until the MP's showed up. The scary part? He had panties stuffed in his pockets and down the front of his own underwear when the cops arrested him. So I (and some other girls) found out what happened to our "missing" underwear.

Gosh, I think the scarier part is what might have happened to that girl if she didn't have the training she did. Underwear theft is creepy, but doesn't directly harm anyone. It sounds as though he was about to take it further though.


That's cool! :smile:

I should have written a disclaimer to make it clear that I wasn't criticizing just anyone who is into BDSM to avoid this sort of misunderstanding, and to avoid biasing anyone who doesn't know much about BDSM who reads what I wrote.

I think we both jumped in without thinking on this one (or rather, we were thinking, but we were both rather focused) :smile:.


I've noticed those guys! Yeah, there are a few of them. I think most of those guys are just sexist jerks who don't get it at all.

It always worries me that they'll get hold of some inexperienced sub (who is obviously pretty silly for not learning the ropes with someone experienced) and do immense psychological damage.


Not everyone in the community plays responsibly and it gives me the heebies, too! I've noticed a certain social phenomenon on FetLife that probably contributes a lot. There seems to be a culture of machismo amongst the masochists and submissives, a competitiveness about who will go further, who trusts their top more, who will play in riskier ways, etc. I don't know why anyone would feel like it's a competition to be the most extreme, but it seems like a lot of subs think it is.

I've seen this a lot too. I suppose it comes from a combination of a human desire to be the best and the sub's desire to please. But honestly, they need to be using their brains! In BDSM even more than anywhere else, because of the power imbalance and the possibility of physical harm.


Oh, thank you!

It's hard for me not to think about the bad side when I've run across some of the images and writing on FetLife that I have. Maybe I'm being unfairly critical, but some of the things that people write and the photos that they have displayed have disturbed me and TheBF.

I doubt you're being unfairly critical. I think you are maybe more likely to be able to look at things clearly than many of the people on those sites because you're not as heavily involved as many of them are (as far as I know!). Also, the BDSM community does tend to be rather accepting and polite where people's kinks are involved. So even if someone seems a bit extreme I think most people are reluctant to step in and judge them on it - even when 'a bit extreme' starts to cross dangerous boundaries. I guess this makes the extremists feel more able to indulge in their scariness.


Remind me to tell you about "fake snuff film" guy some time. :eek:

Do I want to know about this one? I'm not sure I do . . .