Can you ever be friends with your ex?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Andreas Sukov, Oct 15, 2009.

  1. D_Andreas Sukov

    D_Andreas Sukov Account Disabled

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    id love to say yes, but the more i see her i think no. whenever i see her it just conjours up the feelings of when she left me. i saw her this evening and knowing id see her made me feel like shit all day. we were sitting down with other people in a club, abd depressed as i was, she brushed my arm which made me start to well up. ill admit im a depressive person but id like to be friends with her, it just seems even when im happy to see her, seeing her makes me feel like shit. i should be over this now, we split 2-3 months ago, there has been girls since her, just not ones worth pursuing. although ill say i dont see the point of a relationship right now. maybe i wont be over her untill i have someone else, which, if im right, wont be till i finish uni in 3 years.
     
  2. Bbucko

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    The answer is yes, but it takes a little time. In my experience, no one knows you like an ex, and if you can get past the hurt, you'll have one of the frankest and most supportive voices possible at your ear.
     
  3. Ethyl

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    ^^^What he said. Plus, 2-3 months is usually not enough time if it was a long relationship. Both parties need time to deal with the emotional aspects of the relationship/breakup. I'm friends with most of my ex's but it didn't happen overnight and usually required some time apart first.
     
  4. AngelKOF

    AngelKOF New Member

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    It really varies greatly. Some relationships are honestly a mistake in retrospect, and those will never become the close firend you'd hope for. But others were something significant, and given time the friendship CAN return and you become that strong support for each other.
     
  5. rob_just_rob

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    It's possible, but probably not until you are over her. Which may be, as you say, when you've been with someone else.

    I get along well with one exgf, mainly because we both apparently realize how awful things would have been if we had stayed together. That kind of perspective wasn't possible for about 8 months after the breakup.
     
  6. CUBE

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    Both of me ex's are now best friends. I love them but almost forget I have had these dating periods with them now
     
  7. molotovmuffin

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    Not me... once your an ex your history. See ya, don't call, don't write and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
     
  8. B_stu.kay823

    B_stu.kay823 New Member

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    My most immediate ex and I work in similar fields (law and real estate), her office is just on the corner of the next block, we work in the same bar and we have a pretty good relationship still. In many ways, I think being her friend/colleague is much easier than being her bedfellow
     
  9. Countryguy63

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    I sincerely believe that it all depends on the behavior of each. My ex wife (5 yrs) Went in my opinion, the lowest she could have gone during our divorce. I know that things are almost always said and done that are not meant, and usually those can be gotten over.

    However, when you insinute that a Father has been sexually innapropriate with his daughters (example-showing the oldest who was 9 at the time, how to apply vaginal cream only on the exterior, because Dad was always the only one at home with them) just to try and get custody, THAT, I'm sorry, is unforgivable. Especially, when those girls have been his life since they were born. Not to mention using the girls as pawns ever since the divorce.

    I know it's possible, but there are times it's not.

    given that and the following longterm gf who financially sucked me dry (what little the ex didn't get) before asking her to leave makes me wonder...Am I feeling more gay, or just liking women less, lol
     
  10. D_Harry_Crax

    D_Harry_Crax Account Disabled

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    Every time I read something like what Countryguy63 said, I think again about how glad I am I'm gay. And I'm very close friends with my 2nd and 4th long-term partners, and on friendly terms with the 1st one. Only the 3rd one and I don't talk.
     
  11. invisibleman

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    Friendship with an ex...I couldn't be a friend with an ex.
     
  12. Steinweg9

    Steinweg9 New Member

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    My ex and I were together from 1990 to 1997; fall of 97, I learned he had another lover for two years. They are still together. I'm German-Irish, he's Cuban. Can you imagine? Anyway there were other dramas surrounding our breakup, including his mother's death at that same time. I actually experienced psychic-numbing at her funeral, which was the first time I met my replacement. It was heavy.
    He's this hard-headed, stubborn little asshole. We were never sexually compatible, and we were both textbook codependents at the time. (I've worked my way out of that, it has taken so may years.) And I absolutely love him to this day, and he me. In additional to being a little difficult, he's also one of the funniest people I know. He can brighten up any party and throws great ones himself. He can be like a Santa Claus. We talk now and then, I go to his NYE and Oscar parties every year, and on the 4th, if he has a party. We would both do anything for the other. Earlier this year I had surgery, and who was there -- my Mom, my oldest sister, my friend Jenny, and him...so that's the way it goes. Neither of us ever wanted to lose the other. So we haven't. He and his partner have hosted me for dinner a few times. Last time I called he said he couldn't spend a dollar on anything right now so I think it's my turn to take them out.
    We did not make a good pair of lovers, but we are fast, devoted, and life-long friends.
    People do not understand love. It only comes when you give it away, so the more you give away the more comes. It multiplies itself. It has no end.
     
    #12 Steinweg9, Oct 16, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2009
  13. invisibleman

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    Is this good: in theory or in actual practice?
     
  14. dolfette

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    i manage it.
    the kids made it worth the extra effort.
    i even went to his wedding.
     
  15. Viking_UK

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    It depends on how you both behaved when you split up and the reasons behind the split.

    I'm really close to one of my exes. We'd been friends for years before we started dating, but after a while, we stopped being as close friends, if that makes sense. We became boyfriend and girlfriend rather than friends. I decided I'd prefer to keep her friendship rather than risk spoiling it and we had a long talk about it. Things were very awkward between us and with her friends for months after that, but eventually, we got back to being friends. She recently confessed that I broke her heart, but that she forgave me.

    There are some exes who I probably wouldn't spit on if they were on fire, and I'm sure the feelings are mutual. If you have an acrimonious split, chances are you'll never be able to be friends again.

    I think the best way to deal with a break-up is to try to be adult about it; be polite, behave with dignity and maintain your composure. If you're spiteful and start sniping at each other, chances are any arguments will escalate and things will turn nasty.

    Above all, don't expect your ex to want to stay friends afterwards, and even then, it can take years for the friendship to settle down again.
     
  16. Principessa

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    Oh thank GOD! Someone who thinks like me. :smile::tongue:
     
  17. D_Andreas Sukov

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    ive been very adult. the only time ive got annoyed is because her reasons have been pretty shit. she just doesnt know what she wants. whats ironic was that i was the one telling her to be more selfish in life. well that bit me in the arse. i havent talked shit to anyone about anything. im happy to see her, but when i actually lay eyes on her i feel like shit
     
  18. Viking_UK

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    My advice for now would be to just back off and not see her at all for a while while you sort yourself out.

    It sounds like you cared a lot for her and it's always rough on you when a relationship breaks up. Try to spend more time with other friends and try not to talk about her too much. There's more to your life than your relationship with her, so concentrate on getting everything else back on an even keel, and then, in a few months' time, if you both still want to be friends, take it from there.

    I'll warn you now though, if you're still holding a candle for her and think you may get back together, you're probably setting yourself up for more heartache down the line.
     
  19. the_reverend

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    absolutely. i'm friends with almost all of my exes. a few of them are some of my best friends now. a few others, it's still a bit awkward, but we cared enough about each other to stay involved in each other's lives. it depends to a great degree what your relationship was like prior to dating and how the relationship itself ended. though in one case, with my first real high school girlfriend, i cheated on her by making out with another girl...we broke up after, were estranged for about a year, became friends again, i helped hook her up with the guy who became her husband and now we're incredibly close friends. it's really all in how much you care about them, how much they care about you and how patient you can be to outlast the awkward phases...
     
  20. D_Jared Padalicki

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    I think you can, but at this age it doesn't matter that much man. If she gives you that feeling, then it is better to move on and avoid her as much as possible :smile:
    U will be fine, and u will have a new one soon, u know why lol
     
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