Can You Fuck The People You Love?

flatiron

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If ‘soulmates’ exist, I reckon I might’ve found mine, and assuming Australian governments can rein in their overinflated egos and get their fucking jobs done, I’ll be marrying her later this year.

We’re best mates in just about every sense. We talk about everything, we have daggy in-jokes that nobody else understands, we rely on each other emotionally to the almost complete exclusion of anyone else, and we sleep in the same bed every night. But we don’t have sex, and the lack of sex is almost completely because of me.

My sex drive is healthy, and working from home means regular tugbreaks, so it’s not as though I’m sexually frustrated. But there’s a deeper problem.

My partner is beautiful to me, but the problem is I can’t fuck people I love. Tension and anxiety aside, hookups are totally fine to me. There’s no emotional involvement in a hookup, it’s just friction and grind and pump and release and there goes the semen. And then it’s a shower, a handshake/hug/kiss and ‘see you next time’ or ‘have a nice life’.

I’m bisexual, and my partner has known this since day one (I’m not a fan of keeping secrets). She’s largely OK with me hooking up with guys (she knows I have a grindr profile etc), and this is probably because I’ve said to her that I could never imagine being in a relationship with a dude. But if I fucked another woman, shit would probably go down, and I’m absolutely not willing to go there anyway.

I’ve seen a sex therapist to try to understand why I can only have sex with people I don’t really know, and I still don’t think I really know why I’m wired this way. I *have* fucked people I love in the past. I’ve been in two longterm hetero relationships where I was 100% faithful both times. There *was* sex in both of these relationships, and sometimes it was awesome but it wasn’t always great, and to be honest I’d prefer to enjoy all the non-sex benefits of a relationship while fucking my hand on the side.

I can give my partner – my future wife – everything under the sun, except my dick.

I just can’t fuck people I love. I wish I could, and I don’t know why I can’t. I can only have sex with hookups, or with myself. This feels unusual, and I would seriously love to hear what others think.
 
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flatiron

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Just so I grasp this, are you boinking her now?

what’s her opinion on your issue and therapy?
I’d wonder why my partner wouldn’t get it up with me, but was chasing strange.

yeah, i know. that's why it's weird. probably 99.9% of people would probably think the way you do.
 

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Flatiron, I don't think think what you've described is unusual; in fact, I believe it's quite common. I think this happens because many guys are hard-wired to 'spread their seed'. Numerous studies contend that men have evolved to be sexually promiscuous and to prefer sex with multiple partners over having one stable romantic partner. It sounds like this is the situation you find yourself in.

Of course, this doesn't immediately explain the 'sex with yourself' (masturbation) component - but if you examine the fantasies you're having while masturbating, the same state of affairs is probably at play. Are the fantasies you have (or the porn you consume) while wanking related to having sex with your soulmate – or do they pertain to hooking up with people you don't love? I bet it's the latter.

I'd like to think that we as men are more than what we're hardwired to be; that there's an element of choice in our impulses and desires. And I do think there's an element of choice. But just that: an element. For better or worse, I think the overriding factor in who we find attractive and why comes down to our raw, animalistic hard-wiring.
 
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flatiron

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Flatiron, I don't think think what you've described is unusual; in fact, I believe it's quite common. I think this happens because many guys are hard-wired to 'spread their seed'. Numerous studies contend that men have evolved to be sexually promiscuous and to prefer sex with multiple partners over having one stable romantic partner. It sounds like this is the situation you find yourself in.

Of course, this doesn't immediately explain the 'sex with yourself' (masturbation) component - but if you examine the fantasies you're having while masturbating, the same state of affairs is probably at play. Are the fantasies you have (or the porn you consume) while wanking related to having sex with your soulmate – or do they pertain to hooking up with people you don't love? I bet it's the latter.

I'd like to think that we as men are more than what we're hardwired to be; that there's an element of choice in our impulses and desires. And I do think there's an element of choice. But just that: an element. For better or worse, I think the overriding factor in who we find attractive and why comes down to our raw, animalistic hard-wiring.

Thanks, that helps a lot. For me, I think that's true, but it's something slightly different, I think. My previous relationship (which went almost 10 years) ended for a variety of reasons. People grow, people change, people's priorities shift, and I get all that. But overlaid on top of that was I loved my partner but I couldn't fuck her. I kind of put her on a pedestal, and because of that, the only way I could have sex with her was very delicately. It was like fucking her meant defiling her. This took so much mental effort that I eventually stopped trying, and so of course she thought I wasn't attracted to her anymore and so on, which was absolutely not true. I just didn't know how to have the conversation because I didn't know what was going on inside my head.

Maybe this is what I mean - I can't fuck people I love because I feel like I'm defiling them. The only people I can fuck are strangers, and more often than not, I want them to defile *me*. This must be a million kinds of weird. I'm just glad that my current partner kind-of gets where I'm coming from. Or, at least, I think she does. It's really hard to explain to her, but I do my best.

I just can't imagine myself in a sexual relationship with someone I love and to want to tear each other apart in the sack, but I don't really know why.
 
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flatiron

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One thing many on this board will tell you, if there’s no good love making, including sex now, there never will be.

I think the problem with me is I can't have a conversation about it. *puts monocle on, checks fob watch* "...how would you like me to fuck you tonight, darling?..." With strangers, you skip past that.

I think I'm gonna ask my partner to peg me. I haven't done that before. Will be interesting to see how she responds.
 
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Scarletbegonia

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I think the problem with me is I can't have a conversation about it. *puts monocle on, checks fob watch* "...how would you like me to fuck you tonight, darling?..." With strangers, you skip past that.

I think I'm gonna ask my partner to peg me. I haven't done that before. Will be interesting to see how she responds.
Seriously? You won’t touch her but want her to be basically a service top? how selfish can you be?

why won’t you talk about it? Do you have a Madonna whore complex?
she needs to look into ethical polyamory, so her needs can be met.
And I say that as a demisexual monogamist.
 
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nixco

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Thanks, that helps a lot. For me, I think that's true, but it's something slightly different, I think. My previous relationship (which went almost 10 years) ended for a variety of reasons. People grow, people change, people's priorities shift, and I get all that. But overlaid on top of that was I loved my partner but I couldn't fuck her. I kind of put her on a pedestal, and because of that, the only way I could have sex with her was very delicately. It was like fucking her meant defiling her. This took so much mental effort that I eventually stopped trying, and so of course she thought I wasn't attracted to her anymore and so on, which was absolutely not true. I just didn't know how to have the conversation because I didn't know what was going on inside my head.

Maybe this is what I mean - I can't fuck people I love because I feel like I'm defiling them. The only people I can fuck are strangers, and more often than not, I want them to defile *me*. This must be a million kinds of weird. I'm just glad that my current partner kind-of gets where I'm coming from. Or, at least, I think she does. It's really hard to explain to her, but I do my best.

I just can't imagine myself in a sexual relationship with someone I love and to want to tear each other apart in the sack, but I don't really know why.

Oh, I see. Yeah, that *is* a little different. Hmmm ... still, I'd encourage you not to get too caught up on it being "unusual" or "a million kinds of weird". The more I see, the more I realise there's no such thing as unusual or weird in the world of sex. ;-)

The 'defining' thing is interesting. I wonder if it's something that only applies to females? It makes me wonder if you've ever been in love with a guy – and if so, did having sex with them feel like you were 'defiling' them? If not, why not? (You don't have to answer, of course – and it's more of a rhetorical question anyway – but exploring that might be useful.)

Another thought that occurs to me is that not wanting to 'defile' your significant other could still be a manifestation of that 'spreading your seed' thing – but a more complicated, nuanced version.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. Interesting thread. I think many people feel like you to some degree or in some ways (myself included) and I'm interested to read the replies.
 

flatiron

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Seriously? You won’t touch her but want her to be basically a service top? how selfish can you be?

why won’t you talk about it? Do you have a Madonna whore complex?
she needs to look into ethical polyamory, so her needs can be met.
And I say that as a demisexual monogamist.

My partner has the exact same rules as me - she can fuck whoever she wants. We don't own each other.

My partner and I are best mates in every sense other than sex. We love each other deeply. We sleep in the same bed, we share the same in-jokes, we share our problems and joys, and we love the same cat. She's lying next to me right now and our cat is between us. We're each other's best friend, and to me, it just kind of feels weird fucking your best friend. This is what I'm trying to understand.

I'm probably explaining all of this quite badly, but I feel like I'm feeling attacked right now. I probably do have a madonna/whore set of issues, my therapist has brought this concept up, and I've been unpacking this with her so that I *can* talk with my partner about it.

I thought this was a safe space, but I want you to know I don't feel safe right now.
 
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@flatiron - never think that you're the only one who feels this way - you 'may' be in a minority, but thats fine and if you and your soul mate have discussed this and you're both fine with how it is now then why worry? And if not hurting or deceiving each other, then its really no-one else's business how your relationship works.

That said and as you've raise it here, all I'd add to the comments here is that sex does not always equal fucking? You talk about fucking strangers, that implies full penetration - but sex doesn't have to involve that.

Maybe the kisses and cuddles etc is where you need to focus first - put the penetration out of your mind for now - and then let what ever happens naturally between the two of you just work it course naturally? And don't refer to fucking your partner, make love to her instead - different words for different situations help to differentiate this in your mind perhaps?

The other thing I'd say is that intimacy is also not the same as fucking but can be sex - intimacy is sharing all those good things that you do have in common - the in jokes, the complete honesty, the openness with each other, the trust, the life together, the sharing the bed with the cat between you. Again if you continue to concentrate on all of those things first??

Sometimes these things are about 're-framing the question' or looking at things a different way?

So don't ask why you're not interested in fucking you partner, but instead refocus as to how you love to be intimate with her?

As I said above, look on it as you fuck strangers, but you make love with her?

And any therapist will tell you that these things take time, its retraining your brain!!

Good luck hope it works out
 

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My partner has the exact same rules as me - she can fuck whoever she wants. We don't own each other.

My partner and I are best mates in every sense other than sex. We love each other deeply. We sleep in the same bed, we share the same in-jokes, we share our problems and joys, and we love the same cat. She's lying next to me right now and our cat is between us. We're each other's best friend, and to me, it just kind of feels weird fucking your best friend. This is what I'm trying to understand.

I'm probably explaining all of this quite badly, but I feel like I'm feeling attacked right now. I probably do have a madonna/whore set of issues, my therapist has brought this concept up, and I've been unpacking this with her so that I *can* talk with my partner about it.

I thought this was a safe space, but I want you to know I don't feel safe right now.
You are safe! I’m trying to understand.

So, M/W complex highly simplified is over assigning sort of Victorian aspects to women. Too pure/mother of children. If that makes sense. I’m not yet caffeinated. (Ha)
You say you have random sex with men. Do I understand correctly that you do not form friendships with them? At all?
As I said before, I’m a demisexual, which means my wiring is I can only have sex with people with whom I have connection.
It almost sounds like you have the opposite.
So I’m struggling to understand, truly.

How does she feel about not having intimate time with you?
Is this a life you both see going on for decades?
 
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flatiron

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You are safe! I’m trying to understand.

So, M/W complex highly simplified is over assigning sort of Victorian aspects to women. Too pure/mother of children. If that makes sense. I’m not yet caffeinated. (Ha)
You say you have random sex with men. Do I understand correctly that you do not form friendships with them? At all?
As I said before, I’m a demisexual, which means my wiring is I can only have sex with people with whom I have connection.
It almost sounds like you have the opposite.
So I’m struggling to understand, truly.

How does she feel about not having intimate time with you?
Is this a life you both see going on for decades?

thank you so much for that! -- i think i understand where you're coming from now. yeah maybe we are opposites, but to be perfectly honest, in terms of this question, i'd rather be you than me. my partner and i are still intimate. we kiss, we hug, we give each other handies, we stick buttplugs in each other's asses, but i can't put my penis in her vagina. every time i try, i go soft.

(i don't have random sex with men, but i have the occasional grindr hookup. but when i do, it's like 'hey nice to meet you', we don't arrange to meet up for a beer the following weekend or anything like that.)
 
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thank you so much for that! -- i think i understand where you're coming from now. yeah maybe we are opposites, but to be perfectly honest, in terms of this question, i'd rather be you than me. my partner and i are still intimate. we kiss, we hug, we give each other handies, we stick buttplugs in each other's asses, but i can't put my penis in her vagina. every time i try, i go soft.

(i don't have random sex with men, but i have the occasional grindr hookup. but when i do, it's like 'hey nice to meet you', we don't arrange to meet up for a beer the following weekend or anything like that.)
What about previous women?
 

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I fucked her, she fucked me, we fucked the shit out of each other last night and she's my wife, my best friend, and the love of my life. I've never loved anyone more intensely than her. We do crazy wild sex things to each other and with each other and she tells me "fuck me" and I tell her "I want to fuck you so bad" but we also make love and have sex. I think if you are in love and have an open honest sexual relationship with each other and good communication you can certainly fuck the person/people you love :)
 

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@flatiron honestly I’ve been thought almost the same thing (and I was quite surprised to see this post ‘cause I often wandered if more people also went through that).

I’m a gay male who can’t really fuck somebody I’m into emotionally. I mean, I can fuck them, but not in the same way I fuck strangers and one-night stands.

It’s weird ‘cause I feel like I can’t be 100% me when I’m lying down with some guy I like for a reason I don’t know. One friend suggested it was some sort of “shame,” another suggested it could be to not “put the guy I like in the shoes of people I just fuck with,” which brings me to a conclusion I had in therapy a while ago:

Being a gay man often using apps and consuming a lot of porn for the last 8 years made separate affection from sexual desire. It’s frustrating because when I meet someone I like, I just can’t bring sex into play the same way I do with strangers—which in turn makes me miss the thrill of sex, and I ended up just making up some reasons to leave the guy and be alone.

I’ve thought about doing some sort of role play during sex or trying to do something nasty with somebody I’m affections with (sex in cars, stairwells, garages, etc), but the relationship never lasts long enough to do something like that (which I do with strangers often).

Maybe you could try like that with your fiancée?

(Thanks for creating this post——made me feel less alone in this too)
 

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Yes but there are two loves--platonic and romantic. Friends and lovers. I keep the two separate.

If I fuck a platonic it changes everything between us. Even if we go back to being "just friends" I consider them ex-lovers not friends. Too many have come back for more or disappeared from my life because we were intimate.

My long term core group of close friends are platonic. Never going to fuck them.

In my experience there's a whole new dimension and tension that comes from being intimate. It is never forgotten and never disappears entirely.
 
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