Can you have a happy and fulfilled life in the closet?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by earllogjam, Dec 28, 2011.

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Can you live a happy fulfilled life in the closet?

  1. Yes

    50 vote(s)
    40.7%
  2. No

    73 vote(s)
    59.3%
  1. earllogjam

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    Interested in hearing from gay men on this. Of course there are different degrees of closetdom but I'm talking about being in the closet with your family and close friends, not necessarily with acquaintances or work people.

    Is being in the closet a roadblock to personal happiness in your experience?
     
  2. dtzg

    dtzg New Member

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    Oh yes, yes it is. Now that I can allow myself to be myself at home I realized that I am generally in a much happier and satisfied mood. Even when I wear my straight mask when going out of the house, I can rest knowing that the act only lasts until I get back home.
     
  3. crescendo69

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    Yes, the lies seem to lead to a kind of neurotic, deperate way of dealing with many situations, like in an "I Love Lucy" show. I'm not saying that coming out to family/friends will automatically make you happy, either. But at least the lying is over.
     
  4. crescendo69

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    An amazing amount of "yes" votes here.
     
  5. erratic

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    No, you cannot live a happy and fulfilled life in the closet.

    You can have a life with happiness and fulfilment in some areas, yes. But when it comes to coupling and family - you know, the things that are most important to people when they're thinking back on their lives at the end of it all - you have a limited number of terrible options.

    You can live alone, wallowing in your lie.

    You can ruin someone else's (or many other people's) life by coupling with them in a relationship that you know is founded on lies - and therefore destined for abject failure. This is regardless of the gender of the person you couple with.

    Of course, if you have no other choice but to live in the closet - if your safety relies on secrecy - then it is the best choice of a bad lot. I don't look down on my nose at people who remain closeted for safety's sake. But building a life on lies is like building a house on mud.
     
  6. erratic

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    Closeted people have to buy in to the possibility that they can be happy that way. If they don't, the truth can be unbearably terrifying.
     
  7. bimetaldude

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    yeah i thought i was fine and happy but really was much happier after i came out to family and close friends in april of this year.
     
  8. mickstl

    mickstl New Member

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    I think you need more than a "straight" yes or no... For me, at least, it is far more complex...

    I am closeted, and most of the time am perfectly content. When I do feel lonely, it is due more to not having someone to share my life with -- more than how I identify myself. My personal life rarely comes up with my family and friends -- and never at work. People may wonder and want to ask "that question", but no one ever has.

    I haven't felt the need to come out, as I don't have (nor have I ever had) a relationship that warranted doing so. However, if and when I do have that person, it is probably something I will do -- especially if it is important to the other person.

    EDIT: One other thing -- there are a fcukload of out gays and even more straights who are completely miserable with every aspect of their lives. I don't think your proclaimed identity is the be all/end all of what makes you happy. If your life is happy, it's happy -- and if it's hell, it's hell. There are just varying degrees of happiness...and hell... ;-)
     
    #8 mickstl, Dec 29, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2011
  9. blankagus

    blankagus Member

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    Yeah, I'm in the closet as well and I'm generally pretty content. I agree with everything mickstl says. It will probably change when I do have a relationship and when I really do need to come out. But I'll cross that bridge when it comes.
     
  10. dramlick

    dramlick New Member

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    If you are basically passionate about women and only hedonistically interested in cocks, then it is possible to enjoy your basic life and also enjoy the pleasures of cock when you are able to have them. I think that exxplains the high number of yes votes. It depends upon which closet you are in.
     
  11. nudeyorker

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    I think that each person has his or her own moral compass on this question depending on their family and what kind of relationship they have with them.
    I chose to talk to my family so that I never needed to be asked again if I was seeing any nice girls (while I was at UCLA) I usually replied that all the girls in my department were tramps and none of them put me up on a pedestal where I belonged, or that all the jewish girls were already pinned.... etc etc etc... I thought of all the smart ass things I could think of to say until I told them the truth. The fact of the matter it was very liberating getting the facts on the table. I decided how they dealt with it was their issue and not my problem. Suffice to say I think our family invented the phrase "Don't ask... Don't tell or as my late mother would say... "Let's not speak of this again."
    I don't scream from the rooftops that I'm gay but I certainly don't make any secret of it if asked. I'm happy with how I handle my life but I've said to many people here and in my own life that " You have to do whatever your comfort level allows you to do... but sometimes you need to take a leap of faith and put your preconceived fears behind you whether it's taking sky diving lessons or trusting your family with one of the most important truths about who you are."

    Sorry if I rambled.
     
    #11 nudeyorker, Dec 29, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
  12. Bbucko

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    IMO, the closet is a lie. I voted no.
     
  13. yhtang

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    I suppose much depends on how one defines "happy" and "fulfilled life." I would believe these states may wary from one person to another.

    Perhaps a married man who likes, and has, sex with another man is perfectly contented with his personal situation would answer "yes." Such a man may be quite happy to return to his wife and kids after a romp with his male companion.
     
  14. travis1985

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    I'm voting yes. It's very possible to find contentment and happiness in life even if all your desires aren't openly available to you. Some find it easier to find than others.
     
  15. dude_007

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    Not real happiness, no. Hiding yourself from the people you love has to do with shame.

    So yes, being in the closet is a total roadblock.
     
    #15 dude_007, Dec 30, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
  16. erratic

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    This is a very good point. Living in the closet means living shame. It means accepting or enacting the shame that a homophobic society tells you you should have. In my opinion, that makes it like accepting racism, or accepting misogyny, or accepting any of the other systems out there that are meant to shame, belittle, and intimidate people into believing they're less-than.
     
  17. Bsthotel4now

    Bsthotel4now New Member

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    I work in a city far from my home, it's a very conservative work environment. While I'm not dishonest about my sexuality at work, I'm not open about it either. If someone would ask me directly, I would say yes, I'm gay. In my private life I am open.
     
  18. D_Judith K Rantz

    D_Judith K Rantz New Member

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    No, you're hiding who you truly are and just putting on a facade to please the people around you.
     
  19. D_Peter_Parkit

    D_Peter_Parkit New Member

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    raised in a very conservative southern family here, came out to immediate family and extended family that i'm close to, with the others its a don't ask, don't tell thing. Everyone knows i'm gay and most don't want to deal with it and who am I to pop that bubble. All that im open to are very accepting and love my partner to the others i say screw them i don't ask for acceptance just tolerance, After all i tolerate them being stupid.
    The only thing that matters is that you are happy with who you are, you don't hide it but you don't have to flaunt it either, just be you
     
  20. Bsthotel4now

    Bsthotel4now New Member

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    Not putting on a facade at all, I act no differently at work than I do anywhere else. Not all gay men fall into a stereotype, nor do all straight men for that matter. I do not pretend to be straight, I just don't feel I owe anyone an explanation. My sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with my job, therefore there's no need for me to make any proclamations. Again, if asked, I would say I'm gay, cannot be more honest than that, other than that I have no more of an obligation to proclaim my sexuality than a straight person does, and to expect that would be a double standard.
     
    #20 Bsthotel4now, Dec 30, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
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