Can you have a happy and fulfilled life in the closet?

Can you live a happy fulfilled life in the closet?

  • Yes

    Votes: 50 40.7%
  • No

    Votes: 73 59.3%

  • Total voters
    123

rbkwp

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Voted no, as per the 'happy and fulfilled life' part of the topic
just cant see that as being totally achieved

Agree and have lived similar as yourself cdg688 post 19
those who need to know / want to know .. get the respect, dont believe in the total flaunting either..
 
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Catharsis

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I would say "no" in the poll. I would want nothing more than to be myself in front of my family. Assuming, of course, that I wouldn't be dejected by them. I have homophobes on both sides of my immediate family... And I consider myself almost fully dependent on them. I will come out to none of my family until I am completely independent and when I can stand on my own two feet. But as it is, I am still 19 years old and struggling to pay for college... And I am not ready to come out to them.

On my mom's side of the family, I have an extremely old-fashioned stepfather who is very supremist... He is homophobic as well as racist and sexist, on top of being an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong, he's a very nice guy, but you have to be on his good side to experience that. But when he's drunk, his every thought comes out and that's when you realize that he filters a lot of what he says. When I want him to know about me, I don't want to be living in that household.

On my dad's side of the family, homophobia is pretty extensive. My father himself is very conservative and very religious. He is under the belief that homosexuality is a choice and it can be "fixed" with therapy and counseling. Moreover, his parents (my grandparents) are helping me to pay for my college tuition, and they are worse than he is. My grandfather has a history of completely dejecting homosexuals from his life. Granted, none of them were his family, and I would hate for anyone to think that I'm using them solely for their money... But I would think it to be silly, stupid, and ignorant of them to stop aiding me simply because I happen to like other guys. I'd rather no one on this side of the family knew about me quite yet.

I do believe, however, that my mom would fully support me being gay and being who I am. Some of my friends would, too... the female ones, anyhow. I am unsure of how my male friends would take it. I've hung out with them while they made fun of one guy who has recently come out to very few people about being gay although denied it through high school (although it was pretty obvious, to be fair - he fits the stereotype pretty well with his manners, fashion, and hobbies). He came out to a few friends who fully support him, as well as his family who do not support him as much. Apparently, his brother is very harsh toward him being gay... Which I think is so sad.

I think coming out of the closet is a lot more extensive than it sounds. I read another topic on here that had some very good points and tips for coming out, and it sounds so true to how I'm living. So for myself and learning from others' experiences, I've decided not to come out to them until I've settled into my own life. My friends will have to know sooner than later... I'm just not sure how to tell them.
 

rbkwp

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to me, one of the better posts to end the year Catharsis
ALL makes heaps of sense, and thanks for putting it out there, feel sure many other young folk like yourself will take much of that on board, get heaps out of it
 

kayman

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Nope, and it just contributes to having unhealthy personal and intimate relationships. The whole 'walking the fine line' and 'tip-toeing' in your adult life will cause you feel as though you can never be yourself around anyone.

Personally, I am out to friends and a number of members of my family including my sister. I am financially independent but visit my parents frequently so it is what it is how they feel about my love life. When I was as an adolescent, my parents were very homophobic, but I used to scold them over their prejudices towards LGBT people (yeah I know funny a child scolding their parents over their comments but have been very outspoke my entire life). As they know I have an academic background in social psychology, so I can argue with the best of them on human sexuality and behavior. Over time, they have mellowed on their views on it to the point they are 'it is what it is' about it.

Funnily, they have talked on the phone and met some of my past boyfriends. Once I find a guy that I feel is going to be long term relationship material then he will be brought around my family and friends. They'll have to accept it or deal with me not being in their lives like that because I'm not going to pretend to be something I am not.
 

erratic

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On my dad's side of the family, homophobia is pretty extensive. My father himself is very conservative and very religious. He is under the belief that homosexuality is a choice and it can be "fixed" with therapy and counseling. Moreover, his parents (my grandparents) are helping me to pay for my college tuition, and they are worse than he is....I would hate for anyone to think that I'm using them solely for their money... But I would think it to be silly, stupid, and ignorant of them to stop aiding me simply because I happen to like other guys. I'd rather no one on this side of the family knew about me quite yet.

...

I think coming out of the closet is a lot more extensive than it sounds. I read another topic on here that had some very good points and tips for coming out, and it sounds so true to how I'm living. So for myself and learning from others' experiences, I've decided not to come out to them until I've settled into my own life. My friends will have to know sooner than later... I'm just not sure how to tell them.

This is where I hedge on this topic and say you have to balance what's best for your health and your future.

There is absolutely no shame in remaining closeted to someone on whom you rely for food, shelter, or financial stability if you think that coming out will endanger that. It's hard to live a happy and fulfilled life if you can't pay the bills.
 

Scott2005

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I don't think there is a definite answer to this question. It is definitely up to the individual person. I can only speak for myself and say that there is no way I could have had a happy life while still being in the closet. After I came out, there was this million lb burden that lifted off my chest.

I feel so happy to be able to simply be me. But at the same time, being out of the closet isn't exactly a stroll through tulips or anything. It's really difficult to have people judge me and be rude to me for simply being me. And I'm not that flamboyant.

But despite the nasty looks, the rude comments, the bumps in public and the constant damnation from practically every religion....I'll never go back.
 

f0zzie05

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I've definitely been happier after I came out (5 years now) if your bi and in a relationship with a woman things could be tough. If you can feel things out and see what the sexual appetite is of your female partner being open might be the best thing you could do. You'll have a renewed energy and love and appreciation for the experience of life. The biggest thing about being in the closet that kinda sucks is that you're basically stuck in a small box. If you live in a conservative area you don't need to wave the pride flag, but standing up to intolerance and ignorance is what growing is all about. Sexuality is only one dynamic of personality and after I came out the people in my life changed for the better. Emotional freedom is the key to happiness and fulfillment. Come out, come out where ever you are because it gets better. Imagine loving bacon with eggs but having to go over to a buddy's house to cook it and telling the other person that you "love" that you had to "go to the store" or something else that's transparent. If the person you with can't accept that what it is you desire, are you with whom you desire? Or are you trying to be something that you desire of which you are not?
 

Dave NoCal

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It seems to me that there is a difference between choosing not to reveal and being committed to denying, especially to oneself. Being strategically closested in a work sitiuation, with one's support system when AGE-APPROPRIATELY financially dependent, or with physically vulnerable elders is qualitatively different than maintaining a lie when it is no longer necessary.
IMHO being out unless there is a real reason for maintaining ambiguity is far preferable in terms of my sense of living my life with integrity.
 

earllogjam

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To the guys who voted NO:

What about all the gay men before 1960 when the majority of guys were in the closet. Are we to assume that all of them led unhappy unfulfilled lives?
 

rbkwp

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To the guys who voted NO:

What about all the gay men before 1960 when the majority of guys were in the closet. Are we to assume that all of them led unhappy unfulfilled lives?

Voted no, as per the 'happy and fulfilled life' part of the topic
just cant see that as being totally achieved

Teen in the 60s so at a good age to 'fight for Homsexual Law Reform' as timid as i was, still felt i helped as best i could.... etc
YES' i would happily assume folk prior to the 60s did not live an overly fullfilling same sex life, the one relative who did open up to me, said his life was as miserable as hell, admittedly only one view. ..enuf in my books to get the picture.
 

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Can you have a happy and fulfilled life in the closet?

Is being in the closet a roadblock to personal happiness in your experience?

I was pleased to see that virtually all of the respondents to this thread are answering in an essay fashion. Some early "yes" answers didn't make it entirely clear to which of the two conflicting questions being asked by the OP the answer applied.

And I'll apologize up front for not being able to provide a gay man's perspective on the question, yet I feel compelled to respond anyway.

If you are basically passionate about women and only hedonistically interested in cocks, then it is possible to enjoy your basic life and also enjoy the pleasures of cock when you are able to have them ...

That definitely defines my situation.

It seems to me that there is a difference between choosing not to reveal and being committed to denying, especially to oneself. Being strategically closested in a work sitiuation, with one's support system when AGE-APPROPRIATELY financially dependent, or with physically vulnerable elders is qualitatively different than maintaining a lie when it is no longer necessary.
IMHO being out unless there is a real reason for maintaining ambiguity is far preferable in terms of my sense of living my life with integrity.

And that rings true to me on the broader intent of this question.

I can only guess what would be going through my mind were I a closeted male with romantic feelings for other men. I've just never had those feelings to hide. My best guess is that I could never be happy keeping it a secret. I am quite certain that I would want to be out of the closet if I were gay. And I think I'd feel the same way if I were a bisexual man who had the same romantic feelings for other men. I believe it's a little more complicated for most bisexuals. But I know that I am quite content in the closet as a bisexual man who only has romantic feelings for women, yet enjoys prurient time spent with like minded men. Explaining all that simply gets too sexually graphic to share with my family and loved ones.
 

bxtoni

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I think dramlick said it best when he said some people were only hedonistically interested in cocks. I don't want to make the fact that I kind of like to suck a little cock now and then my reason for being and I don't want people to base their opinions of me based on it, when in fact it's only a very small part of my life.
 

D_Sal_Manilla

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it's very simple. you can't be happy because you will always feel like a rat with a secret. you grow paranoid, and scared. you begin to judge other as fast as you think others are judging you. i think that slowly it becomes a self obsession; trying to keep your true self hidden. I feel sorry for those who are still in the closet. It's unfortunate that they are not strong enough to truly love themselves.
 

D_Sal_Manilla

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To the guys who voted NO:

What about all the gay men before 1960 when the majority of guys were in the closet. Are we to assume that all of them led unhappy unfulfilled lives?

Voted no, as per the 'happy and fulfilled life' part of the topic
just cant see that as being totally achieved

Teen in the 60s so at a good age to 'fight for Homsexual Law Reform' as timid as i was, still felt i helped as best i could.... etc
YES' i would happily assume folk prior to the 60s did not live an overly fullfilling same sex life, the one relative who did open up to me, said his life was as miserable as hell, admittedly only one view. ..enuf in my books to get the picture.



Culture has changed dramatically the last 50 years. you can't hold up yesterdays standards to today's reality.

it's like comparing the sound quality of a record player to that of a digital devise.