Can't Continue Anymore

[RoyalT]

My...'friend' with bulimia makes it impossible for me to help her or spend time with her or anything. Everything I say or do is WRONG. She was meant to be coming down tomorrow for a meal but now has said she can't...

It's always like that. She says she needs more space. It's five days since she told me she wanted to be alone on New Years Eve (I had stayed at hers the night before). So I guess its not much time.

So now I'm going to just leave her alone for an undefined period of time. It will be hard for me...I wanted to see her and help her and...'luv' her but she makes it impossible for me. I'm not going to try anymore because it would just be met with more failure. Anyway, just need to vent.

I thought I could handle it but I can't. Bulimia is really hard to deal with. Not so much the illness itself but this knock on effect of depression and lack of esteem. The only person I want to be with doesn't want to be with me :frown1:

Goodnight people. I'll finish my 'Attack Of The 50ft Penis' masterpiece and post it in Funny Stuff sometime...

 

[Chrysalis]

There are some things you can't fix, no matter how desperately you may want to. My heart goes out to you.

 

[meatpackingbubba]

All you can do is continue to show her love and affection and try to help her improve her feelings of self-worth.

 

[freeballing]

Hang in there dude. Don't give up on her... Just try to be as patient and supportive as you can...

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

There are some things we can't fix for other people. She needs professional help with her mental illness. Bulima is from emotional problems. Poor lady.

 

[Gisella]

:hug:

I'm really sorry Royal..but as many said in situations like that our love is all we can give and they need profissional help, sometimes hard it can be we have to love at distance because the weight of issues get very heavy and our impotence in all of it affect us...and we love and care very much and it hurt when our friends and loved ones keep walking in circles and no improvements etc...

Please..try to have a time out with your other friends for a bit...they have missing you and want to support you too.

kisses.

 

[Lex]

RoyalT-- all you can do it try to be as supportive as you can. It's hard to rescue someone who hasn't decided to help themselves. Try to get more of a support system for her--let her parents and friends know. You can't do this alone. Good luck.

 

[JustAsking]

RoyalT,
Good advice in these two threads you made. Eating disorders are complex things and usually tied to very much deeper issues in the person. It is close to a certainty that you alone would not be able to make a dent in this problem no matter how much you love the person. Professional help is the only thing that can make a difference.

I can identify with your "giving up" on this. I have some advice about that, though, that I learned from experience with a dear friend who has ED among a number of other things. This person was never my girlfriend, but she has become a dear friend to me and my wife, and we care deeply about this person. I discovered that the way to be a good friend to her was to adjust my thinking to where I required absolutely nothing from the relationship including any desire on my part to feel like I was going to help her myself. So what I did was make it a goal to make sure she got professional help, and then just be unconditionally supportive.

You could do this with your girlfriend. A good model for this is when you have a good friend who is an alcoholic. Friends like this require a lot of work, your contribution to the friendship is mostly unconditional support, and you get very little in return. In fact, the person will even abuse the relationship from time to time.

In the case of my friend, the less I expected from the relationship, the more regard she seemed to have for it. So it became easier and easier for me to tell her the tough things she needed to hear including the fact that she needed professional help. Long story short, she now has this under control along with her other problems from getting good professional help. This all took a number of years, and a few suicide attempts on her part, so I don't want to suggest that there is anything easy about this.

I am not suggesting that you are obligated to do this, because this is really hard work. But it is a possibility you could consider.

 

[Pirate Wench]

What about her family or other friends ?
Would they discuss having an intervention ?

Trouble with those is the person has to want to help themselves and your girlfriend may not have reached the bottom yet.

I'm sorry that has happened and that you're having to live the hell that it makes trying to have a relationship.
From what I've read about bulimia, there's a degree of shame that goes with that, but the person is stuck in a behavior pattern that they can't get out of without professional help......
Maybe the shame thing is why she doesn't want you around ?
I'm just speculating here.....

I hope your girlfriend comes around soon and seeks professional help.

{{{HUG}}}

 

[wifeofalargeman]

My daughter and I both suffer from bulimia. I have been in therapy for it.
It is not something we discuss because of the shame. People donot understand and pass judgement which adds to it. with us it is a control issue. I have had it for as long as I can remember and she has a bit. I wouldn't seek help no matter what my family did till I was ready, as a matter of a fact most of what they did made it worse and I know that was not their intent. I did not pressure my daughter, I offered her support and ways to feel she had control over her life. She has recently agreed to therapy and is making progress. Bulima is not an easy road and not something one just decides to do. Usually people with bulima abuse laxitives also which is a whole added set of health problems.

 

[Rubenesque]

If only we could 'fix' the people we love, but we can't. We just have to be there for them until they can fix themselves.

It's hard, infact probably one of the hardest things to do, to sit back and bear witness to a slow and painful suicide, which let's face it, it is. The feeling of being so unable to do anything is frustrating and agonising. My heart goes out to those who suffer from anorexia/bulimia and to those who them.

I lost a friend to the disease.... and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't shake my head in disbelief at it all, and it was 10yrs ago now.

 

[setcub]

I don't care who says love is not a challenge. In fact its a job! Love can be so blindsighted sometimes. Sometimes it takes periods of being alone and adjustment before we see what we have. If she her illness isn't the priority in her life, then she may realize the love she has before her. If not, it will take a real eye opening experience. Good luck. I hope it works for the best.

 

[68306]

I've often found my eating disorders were linked to a ~lack~ of something... and they generally helped fill the gap.

Denying myself didn't make me feel any better.~