Can't cum with girl

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by waltz#2, Aug 18, 2007.

  1. waltz#2

    waltz#2 New Member

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    As some of you my have read in my introduction, I've only been with 3 different girls. This has met with mixed results.

    Girl #1, never ever got me off. Not with sex, not with oral sex, not with manual stimulation. Sex basically resulted in me having to save up pent up sexual anxiety until I could get to the sanctity of my masturbation cave, AKA my computer hutch.

    Girl #2, eventually was able to get me off. It took FOREVER though. "Gee, your lucky" no, not really. When you've given that much time and effort into such a small pile of white goo, you really question weather or not it's worth it.

    Girl #3, has yet to get anything out of me. She can't keep going (sex or oral sex) for as long as girlls # 1 or 2, but accepts my need to jerk off afterward, and is much more interested in my pleasure than either of the other two.

    Things I've tried so far that have not worked. Not jerking off, (the worst 3 weeks of my life!), alcohol (duh!), porn, my hand over her hand, among others. Actually, not jerking off makes it take longer for me by myself.

    Things we're too square for: anal play, and other people.

    I'm open to any ideas you may have. Medication, techniques, etc.
     
  2. sykray

    sykray Active Member

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    The best course of action is to discuss this with a sex therapist/ psychosexual counsellor. I was one before I retired, so here are some comments, which may or may not be helpful.

    You are labouring under a pressure to perform well. Sex should be fun, playful, a pleasure and not a duty or expectation. You need to cultivate an attitude where it doesn't matter whether you get hard or not, whether you cum or not, whether you penetrate or not. Just being with a person that you love and to whom you are attracted is what matters.

    It is also important to explain to your girlfriend that it is not something she is or not doing that results in no orgasm for you. Make it clear that she is attractive, hot and sexy for you but that for you an anxiety to perform well is inhibiting your ability to cum.

    Begin your physical and intimate relationship with massage. You massage her and then she massage you. If you get an erection then fine but you are not going to do anything with it together. You or she can touch it and play with it but the erection is not for having sex with or having an orgasm from. You can kiss, cuddle, caress - of course.

    Once the pressure to perform is off, your subsequent massage sessions can be a little more erotically focused but cumming is still not to be seen as the end result. You may each masturbate yourself to orgasm -either together or later alone. Again kiss and cuddle to show your affection.

    Next, you can bring her to orgasm with your fingers or mouth at the end of a massage exchange session.

    Then, after several sessions of not seeking orgasm, she can prolong the massage of your penis with her hands and/or mouth. If you cum then great. If not, it is still not a requirement or expectation. If it helps then use fantasy to heighten your arousal.

    Avoid making it a chore for her (or you) to get you off. If it isn't working within reasonable time then simply stop and move back to kissing, cuddling and caressing.

    You may still need specific help from a professional consultation if the above program doesn't sort it out. The sessions above should cover about 10 to 12 separate occasions with the same girlfriend over a period of about a month to 6 weeks. It could be shorter but don't try to speed up. Trying to sort it out quicker could be another aspect of your drive to end up by cumming. You can't try to cum any more than you can try to sneeze. It happens when it happens - if it happens. The goal of sex is to share pleasure and emotional intimacy not to get your rocks off (Many men see it as the latter).

    It may not apply to you, but some men cannot come because they feel resentment towards women - maybe their partner or maybe some other woman such as their mother or a teacher or a previous partner. This may need counselling.
     
  3. JMeister

    JMeister Member

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    Instead a finishing yourself, have you considered getting started by yourself and finishing with your girl.

    For example is she needs 15 minutes for the act and you need an hour get started for 45 minutes by yourself and bring her in for the 15 minute finale.
     
  4. waltz#2

    waltz#2 New Member

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    Wow, that was good!

    Is there any advice for the uncomfortalbe consequences of not being able to get off? Just deal with it, or relieve one's self?

    Not sure if this relationship is worth going to counseling for. Guess that's something I'll have to figure out, and might in and of itself be part of why it's a problem : /

    On a final note, I can put some pepper up my nose and make myself sneeze. I can also will myself to orgasm faster when I'm trying to get one off before I leave for work or something. That aside, your point that it is something that just needs to come (pun totally intended) is well taken.

    We have tried that JM, but thanks for that insight. That's actually how the 2nd girl got it done with intercorse. 95% done by oral sex and 5% with intercorse, then weening off the oral sex until it could be 100% intercorse. It's just that damn elusive first hand job : (
     
  5. Jovial

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    If you are used to only getting off by masturbating, then it does take some time to get used to cumming by another method. If your partner is willing to work with you I think you will eventually be able to relax enough and enjoy the different sensations enough to orgasm.

    Also, you didn't mention your penis size. Using a condom for sex makes it harder to cum especially if it doesn't fit well. Try different sizes or types if you haven't already.
     
  6. Love-it

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    Relax, letting go of your performance anxieties and revel in the feel of your girlfriends lips or pussy on or around your penis and learn to get off on her enjoyment of sex with you, if she loves intercourse and oral sex then you are more than half way to orgasm.

    Forget about your sexy hand.
     
  7. DangerZone8877

    DangerZone8877 New Member

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    hm, my first time i was thinking 'am i really doing this? whoa!' and my anxieties kinda took over and i couldn't get off. the second time we had sex, though, i was ready to go and so was she; it was amazing and after that, we were comfortable with each other. it was nice.
     
  8. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    How long, on average, does it take you to orgasm with masturbation?
     
  9. arliss

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    perhaps you should try guys...maybe girls are not for you...
     
  10. D_Peacocke Rimplougher

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    I had the same problem, then I met someone I really love and don't masturbate anymore. after 29 years of no being able to cum during sex, I now finally am able.

    I'm not sure what the solution is, but giving up wanking is going to have a deep and profound impact even if it didn't work out first time.
     
  11. SlimGuySB

    SlimGuySB New Member

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    29 years? Were you at it straight from the womb?!
     
  12. antonio

    antonio Member

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    I have this problem too and I think people don't discuss enough how much it could be biological. I think solving this could be a next frontier in chemistry (now that Viagra et al took care of the impotency thing, which everyone interestingly also used to say was purely psychological).

    It wouldn't surprise me if you have non-sensitive penile nerves combined with low serum testosterone. You need a motivated physician who is sympathetic and doesn't just shove you off to psychotherapy (which didn't work for me, sorry Mr. Counselor).
     
  13. B_beltboy

    B_beltboy New Member

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    When you masturbate, what are you thinking about? Be honest here...I am sort of on the same wavelength as Arliss. Maybe you should test drive with a dude, and see what happens. Have you ever experimented? Also, when watching porn, do you get off on the lesbian sex?
     
  14. CBS1

    CBS1 New Member

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    How old are you? not because I am thinking you are an old guy but just curiosity.
     
  15. hotman911

    Verified Gold Member

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    Was thinking the same thing try a bj from a dude bet he gets you off then go from there whats it going to hurt?
     
  16. 7x6

    7x6 Member

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    I've had this problem since my late 20s. Probably only cumming around 1 time in 3. Sometimes it's a problem: "i'm getting sore aren't you finished yet", other times it's an asset (some women need half an hour of solid fucking to cum) but it's always been something I have to explain. Most women understand when I explain that it's fun for me either way. That if sex for me was just about a few seconds of ejaculation i'd stick to masturbation.

    Sadly, for the woman i'm with now it's a huge issue, she originally took it as a personal insult which really didn't help much! This was particularly ironic in that she almost always makes me cum eventually (sometimes on the third or fourth attempt after a few hours :)

    Things are better now, i've stopped smoking and usually cum, she accepts I enjoy sex even if I don't but it was a problem for a while.

    I guess it's all down to what you are used to. When I met her she spoke very fondly of her ex husband, she reckoned he was the best she'd ever had. Her idea of good sex was very regular five minute quickies with his small but rock hard quick spurting cock.

    8 months on, she's rather more into being fuller for longer :)
     
  17. OPPinSLC

    OPPinSLC Member

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    I've had a similar problem with my current girlfriend for awhile now. We haven't really talked about too much, but I know it bothers her sometimes. There have been similar threads posted here. So if it helps, you are not alone.
     
  18. Freddie53

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    Masturbation is wonderful. But, it caused problems for me cumming during sex with my wife. I would get so far which was good and then when I reached a certain point, I was used to me stroking it just right and the right fantasies. So that made it harder to cum especially as I got older.

    Part of my problem though is I am turned on by men and I had secret fantasies during sex. I can't help but wonder if you are really turned on by men and not the ladies.

    Only you know what you fantasize about when you get aroused and as you cum. If you felt comfortable sharing that information, we might be able to help you more.
     
  19. waltz#2

    waltz#2 New Member

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    I am 22, nearly 23. Most people think I'm significantly older though.

    I've given good thought to weather or not I'm gay. I'm not. I'm not unattracted to men as human beings, it's that I'm significantly more attracted to women for specific sexual encounters. Does that make sense?

    Normal masturbation takes from 5 minutes to an hour and a half. Generally, beyond the hour mark I give up and try again later on.

    I can get off to lesbian porn, but it's normally straight porn. I find it more difficult to get off when there is more than one guy, and generally get rid of porno's with those scenes in them. I'm not spectacularly attracted to more than one girl. I'm actually kind of burnt out by pornography as a whole. Too much, and too much loveline and howard stern (while he was on public radio) I suppose.

    While having sex or jerking off without porn I try to think about all different range of things. Sometimes there is an image that "hits the spot," other times it simply makes me loose focus so I change it out. With girl #2 I generally thought about 1 on 1 pornography and (duh) the fact that there was a gorgeous girl on top of me. Sometimes it's a money shot, sometimes it's my girls ass, sometimes it's me trying to think hard about nothing, no real set pattern.

    I've never been a very aggressive or assertive human being, I could very well have low testosterone levels.

    She cums so quickly, so often, and is just generally worn out by the time I'd normally be getting into it, there is little hope for me to get off during sex. Haha, she really enjoys the LP portion of the LPSG :p That is fine by me, but I'd like to be in control of me orgasming in some capacity beyond the last 1/8th of a second.

    I talked with her this morning, we're all OK with the status quo, but are willing to work on making it better.

    Thanks for all the advice, keep it coming! Or, help me start coming... or... you get the picture.
     
  20. B_8strong8long

    B_8strong8long New Member

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    Hey Waltz#2, you seem very well balanced to me. Often, when we think of a guy who can't cum we immediately think of some kind of emotional problem. But I think you'r problem could very well be hormonal. At your age, I would think it particularly uncommon to require this much stimulation to ejaculate, and the fact that you have the problem also when alone masturbating tells me that it really isn't a form of performance anxiety.

    Testosterone, and high levels of it, are known to increase the ejaculatory urge in men. This is the reason that the sexual issue most men your age are troubled by is premature ejacuation (not an issue for you obviously).

    A) I would get my levels checked if I was you. B) I might also get a masturbation toy, instead of using my hand, something that simulated a vagina. I would certainly always use a lubed and loosly cuffed hand. Some of your issue could be a training issue from masturbation form, but again the fact that you have the issue also when you masturbate minimizes that.
     
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