Can't figure wife out...help!

[D_u56frvi]

Hey there....my wife and I have been together a total of 6 years. Overall, a great relationship in and out of bed but she always manages to surprise and confuse me along the way....the biggest confusion usually results from her submissiveness in bed. She's not real vocal about what she wants so that usually leaves it to me to lead or in many cases, experiment with something new....here are a few examples: 1) by experimenting and being playful, I found out that she really enjoys being spanked during sex - she never communicated this to me before and this happened more than 2 years into our relationship...we now do it often in bed 2) found out that her best sex outside of our relationship was also with the biggest cock that she had....asked her if it was the size but she would only say that it was a "better fit" than other boyfriends.....isn't this really just saying that the bigger cock felt the best? I pressed her on this but she would never admit to liking the bigger cock, based on size alone.....

With all of this said, she is very open when it comes to trying new things....toys, role play, positions, etc. Is she a true submissive....she says no and I say yes. I do not want her to get a hang up about this but I would like to have her initiate more rather than me coming up with the ideas or always leading. I feel like I will be depriving her of some things she likes but she leaves it to me to lead....Any ideas or suggestions?

 

[helgaleena]

There is a difference between being passive and being submissive. There is also the dimension of how creative and inventive a person is. She might simply not have a lot of ideas, or she might be cooperative but actually find doing the same things all the time reassuring.

Why don't you guys try some free online quizzes designed to help understand each other and yourselves better? Here's one.

OkCupid: Take The What's your sexual style? Test

 

[D_u56frvi]

Thanks for the link and the reply...I agree that there is a difference between passive and submissive - good point. I think my wife is a combo of both.....definitely not submissive in the sub/dom sort of way. Thanks again and it will be interesting to see the results!

 

[conntom]

imma P

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

I agree with the first reply. I don't think she's submissive, I think she's passive and/or shy. Maybe she doesn't know what she likes, therefore it can't be communicated. Maybe she's ashamed to ask for things because she feels they're too dirty or kinky. Depends on her upbringing and her views on sex in general, really.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

If she is enjoying spanking and role play, then I would say she is a tad more than just passive...she does show some submissive tendencies.

That said, "submissive" is really just a label that encompasses a variety of sexual preferences. If she doesn't want to label herself "submissive," then she certainly doesn't have to.

The catch is that if she is submissive or even just passive in nature, she very likely wants you to take the lead in suggesting new sexual activities and directing them.

My ex-husband was very passive, and I tried many times to get him to take the lead in things, but it was like banging my head against a wall. Over the years, I got very, very tired of always having to be the leader, especially because I am submissive (although not really passive).

I guess I say all this to get across that if she truly is that passive, you may not be able to get her to take more initiative. She may totally lack the ability to do what you're asking -- it's just not a part of her psychological makeup and trying to do it would be like trying to get her to be someone else.

If you are willing to accept this and be the leader in the sexual part of your relationship, then I think you will do quite well together. It might make your job a bit easier if you can find a way to expose your wife to a lot of different sexual ideas, gently prodding to see if she has any interest. If she is shy, it may require some finesse to coax the truth out of her. But if you accept and encourage her sexuality, it might help her come out of her shell.

See if she would at all be open to the idea of visiting an adult book store with you. Examine some toys together and see if any excite her. Explore the idea of reading books or watching videos of sexual instruction.

And if you can really, really get her to be openminded, you may try watching some porn with her -- maybe even mildly Dominant/submissive porn. If you can get her to do this, try to discuss as you watch together whether she would like to try any of the things she is seeing.

Her lack of creativity may be partly due to total lack of exposure to her options -- here is your opportunity to open up a whole new world to her!

Good luck!

 

[B_subgirrl]

Hey there....my wife and I have been together a total of 6 years. Overall, a great relationship in and out of bed but she always manages to surprise and confuse me along the way....the biggest confusion usually results from her submissiveness in bed. She's not real vocal about what she wants so that usually leaves it to me to lead or in many cases, experiment with something new....here are a few examples: 1) by experimenting and being playful, I found out that she really enjoys being spanked during sex - she never communicated this to me before and this happened more than 2 years into our relationship...we now do it often in bed 2) found out that her best sex outside of our relationship was also with the biggest cock that she had....asked her if it was the size but she would only say that it was a "better fit" than other boyfriends.....isn't this really just saying that the bigger cock felt the best? I pressed her on this but she would never admit to liking the bigger cock, based on size alone.....

With all of this said, she is very open when it comes to trying new things....toys, role play, positions, etc. Is she a true submissive....she says no and I say yes. I do not want her to get a hang up about this but I would like to have her initiate more rather than me coming up with the ideas or always leading. I feel like I will be depriving her of some things she likes but she leaves it to me to lead....Any ideas or suggestions?

I've never been great at initiating stuff or telling people what I want, but I'm actually pretty open to trying a lot of things. If your wife is like this now, it seems likely she will stay that way. So I think you need to get used to being the initiator (or the Dom if she turns out to be a sub at heart).

If you want to find out what kind of things she likes, I suggest you get her to show you what porn she likes to read or watch (if any). I find this is an easier way to communicate than just telling people what I like. When my FB and I first started sharing what we liked sexually, I found it much easier to say 'Go to these websites'. When you try different positions, activities, etc, watch her body language to see if she is really enjoying it. I also feel like it's easier to answer questions about what I like when they are specific questions - eg. do you like/would you like to try anal sex? - rather than general ones - eg. what do you like?

Is she truly a sub? Only she can answer that, but she may not even know herself yet. She certainly has some submissive tendencies by the sound of it. And as Belly Dancer said, that she likes spanking is an indication that she may be. It might be a good idea to explore some light BDSM in the bedroom and see if she responds well. Or you could have a look at some of the stuff online with her and watch for her reactions (I'm guessing she won't actually TELL you if it resonates with her).

 

[B_625girth]

about 2 yrs in our relationship, and after our wedding, I found my wife sometimes liked to be, for a lack of better words, "gently raped". she liked to be suddenly pushed on the bed, hold her hands down, and fucked. the first time I did this she was surprised, only said "what are you doing" once, then giggled, she came rather quickly for her. usually lots of foreplay is required. we have reversed this role, she has pushed me down on the bed or floor. one day I just bent her over the sink while she was doing dishes. later, I found that my black neighbor lady had seen us thru the kitchen window.

other times she'll play a super horny slut. a couple times over a 2 yr stretch, she came home when I was there, and her gf, who lived next door, was over. anyway, she would walk in, over to me. open my fly, grabbing my cock, while telling her gf in a mysterious dark voice, "i'm gonna fuck. you have to leave NOW". the first time we did this the gf left but kind of freaked out. about a year or so later, that gf came over while I was napping nude and found out that I was hung. I was always a grower, not a shower. later that nite, she told me what she saw, and " you are HUGE, so thick!!!" after that she wanted 3somes, wife said no, "that's MY big dick."

 

[B_subgirrl]

about 2 yrs in our relationship, and after our wedding, I found my wife sometimes liked to be, for a lack of better words, "gently raped". she liked to be suddenly pushed on the bed, hold her hands down, and fucked. the first time I did this she was surprised, only said "what are you doing" once, then giggled, she came rather quickly for her. usually lots of foreplay is required. we have reversed this role, she has pushed me down on the bed or floor. one day I just bent her over the sink while she was doing dishes. later, I found that my black neighbor lady had seen us thru the kitchen window.

other times she'll play a super horny slut. a couple times over a 2 yr stretch, she came home when I was there, and her gf, who lived next door, was over. anyway, she would walk in, over to me. open my fly, grabbing my cock, while telling her gf in a mysterious dark voice, "i'm gonna fuck. you have to leave NOW". the first time we did this the gf left but kind of freaked out. about a year or so later, that gf came over while I was napping nude and found out that I was hung. I was always a grower, not a shower. later that nite, she told me what she saw, and " you are HUGE, so thick!!!" after that she wanted 3somes, wife said no, "that's MY big dick."

While that was very interesting, and I'm sure you're pleased to have such a wife, I'm not sure how it is supposed to help the OP.

 

[D_Hugh_G_Nutz]

You are asking to figure out a woman??? That would be an impossible task.

 

[MrMXYZPTLK]

You are asking to figure out a woman??? That would be an impossible task.

I gotta agree, figuring out women are pretty impossible. BUT if you are having fun and enjoy being with her. Don't ruin a good thing by asking about her past. Unless she's killed someone or is a Felon that's on the run. There really isn't any reason you need to know much about her past at all.